Lonely and...I guess I'm abused

[trulycommitted]

Hi, Miriam! I'm sorry you're experiencing all of this. Five and a half years is a long time to experience abuse in a relationship.  My heart goes out to you. Abuse is not normal. A healthy relationship is one in which you feel safe and which has no physical, emotional or verbal abuse. It’s important to ask for help as soon as possible. Is there anyone to reach out to? A counselor, mentor, doctor, neighbor? If you attend a local church, reach out to them for help. Make some calls and find someone who can give you some support. In the meantime, set clear boundaries about what you both consider appropriate interactions with each other. Be clear and consistent about voicing your concern when you believe that line has been crossed. I would also suggest praying about it. Sometimes we forget just how powerful prayer is. Don’t give up and don’t lose heart. This will turnaround for you!

Thank you very much. I pray a lot. It does help. Going for walks in the woods with the dogs helps a lot too. And no, there is nobody to reach out to here. I did call a woman's hot line, but their standard response is go to a shelter and then seek therapy. I know that's all they can offer, but it doesn't work for me. I can't afford therapy either. He's alienated all of the neighbours too. Worst case, I can see my doctor, he could refer me to a shrink, but I've gone that route too and I don't find it very helpful.

But...I did set a boundary last night and stuck to it despite his childish behaviour! Coming on this forum and talking about things has actually given me some confidence, so thank you!

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You're very welcome. We are here for you. I hope you can find the strength to do what you need to do.

In the meantime reach out to as many people and organisations in your neighbourhood as you can.

Thanks PaulE. I appreciate it.

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I've been in your situation and understand how scared and lonely it feels so sending you love and hugs,  but meanwhile on a practical note, is there an animal shelter you could approach and ask for them to give temporary shelter for your pets until you find yourself somewhere else to live and could have them back again?

Thanks Jently! I appreciate the hugs! AND your advice. 

I actually adopted 4 of the 6 pets from a local shelter on a foster care program and they shut down last winter!! The closest shelter would be about an hour away. But my heart can't do that anyway, they were all abandoned and I couldn't do that to them, even if it were for 6 months. Having them at home with me until I can move really helps my spirit and I feel their love. Taking care of them helps me feel normal!  I'm really stuck here until the end of the lease. Unless I have visible bruises, I can't claim domestic abuse to break the lease legally. If I just up and leave, then I'm facing a possible lawsuit for breaking the lease, it's frustrating.

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Hi Miriam,
   Thank you for sharing bits of your life with us.  It must have been very hard to do, but by saying it, and sharing it, shows that you are strong and brave!

I'd hate to see you wait until the Spring, but I understand not wanting to leave your pets.   Maybe you can find a local support group to go to while still with him, he doesn't have to know where you are going.  

You don't deserve any of the things he does and says, and just please remember that you ARE NOT what he says you are.

Please continue to reach out to us, try to find a local support group and please stay safe.

Thanks Danielle, that's very nice. I got to a point during the summer where I was questioning if everything he was saying about me was right. I even thought...maybe I'M THE ABUSIVE ONE. That's how crazy the emotional abuse is, it's like psychological warfare.

Oh gosh I wish I had a way to leave earlier...but spring it shall be. And yes, it was very hard to share everything. I'm always feeling ashamed that I got myself into this situation. I know it's not my fault, but I do take responsibility for not leaving sooner. And actually this forum has become my support group and I'm very thankful!

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I am glad you are taking some time for yourself. Long walks are a great escape. It gives you time to think about things. I am also glad you stuck with the boundary you set. All healthy relationships have boundaries! A relationship can’t be healthy until both partners communicate their boundaries clearly, and the other person respects them. Be clear with your partner who you are, what you want, your beliefs and values, and your limits. Stay positive because the tides will turn for you.

 

[Miriam1966]

Thanks trulycommitted .

I stuck to the boundary I set. I made another today and I stuck to that. But now I'm miserable lonely and hurt again because his reaction was hurtful and cruel. He's a bully and I'm finding it difficult to see past it and be strong. He cannot accept boundaries if they don't suit his immediate needs. This makes for a hostile home here. I'm seriously considering asking him to move out next month. I'm just so afraid he will refuse (since both of our names are on the lease) and he will deny me his portion of the rent. He has me over a barrel and he knows it. I need to go out and get an emergency loan or something. I sound erratic I'm sure, I'm very upset at the moment.

 

[jerrygooding]

wish there was a way to see if you was close by me somehow, hard to maybe believe but I am in a catch 22 situation so like you in every way almost. I kinda want to give you my e-mail address but I don't know if that is allowed etc.
take care hun please keep on believing in your dream and reply to me anytime.
jerry

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wish there was a way to see if you was close by me somehow,   hard to maybe believe but I am in a catch 22 situation so like you in every way almost.   I kinda want to give you my e-mail address but I don't know if that is allowed etc.
take care hun please keep on believing in your dream and reply to me anytime.
jerry

just noticed,   I think you can send me a e mail etc...…..

 

[Miriam1966]

Thanks Jerry, I'm trying to keep my head high today.

 

[trulycommitted]

Thanks trulycommitted .

I stuck to the boundary I set. I made another today and I stuck to that. But now I'm miserable lonely and hurt again because his reaction was hurtful and cruel. He's a bully and I'm finding it difficult to see past it and be strong. He cannot accept boundaries if they don't suit his immediate needs. This makes for a hostile home here. I'm seriously considering asking him to move out next month. I'm just so afraid he will refuse (since both of our names are on the lease) and he will deny me his portion of the rent. He has me over a barrel and he knows it. I need to go out and get an emergency loan or something. I sound erratic I'm sure, I'm very upset at the moment.

Heart sigh. Setting boundaries is code phrase for standing up for yourself. Abusers don’t like that. I am not a professional in this area. You do what is best for your safety and peace. There is someone out there to help you. There is some organization, support group or person that can help you. God hears your prayers. Don’t give up. Sending love and hugs your way.

 

[Miriam1966]

Heart sigh. Setting boundaries is code phrase for standing up for yourself. Abusers don’t like that. I am not a professional in this area. You do what is best for your safety and peace. There is someone out there to help you. There is some organization, support group or person that can help you. God hears your prayers. Don’t give up. Sending love and hugs your way.

Thanks, I won't give up. I just have trouble coping at times. Talking helps, praying helps. So does baking...I tend to do a lot of baking when I'm upset, I call it "baking therapy" because I can eat it all after lol...

I know that abusers HATE when you stand up for yourself and stand up to them, they are like high school bullies. In my case, he gets even more abusive when I do that. Usually it's in the form of verbal abuse then silence. Usually what happens (or what has happened in the past, but not yet today)...is that I get to a point of such utter pain and loneliness that I fake apologize for causing trouble, causing him harm, causing him hurt or otherwise angering him. I grovel. He then tells me everything wrong about myself. I apologize again. Then I try to hug him, he resists, I cry, he hugs me and then he starts putting me up on a pedestal again. It's textbook.

I'm trying not to fake apologize this time to see what will happen. I want to be strong enough to take that first baby step towards my courage and confidence being restored. Yes, I'm hurting and I'm lonely, but I have to draw the line at some point and not give in.

 

[Purrfect]

Hi ALL friends,

I'm Miriam. I'm 50 years old. I've been in an abusive relationship for the last 5.5 years.

That first sentence took me nearly an hour to type out.

I met the bf in 2013. He is many years younger than I, unemployed, lazy, irresponsible...but very passionate and loving when he wants to be.

I know, I'm a sucker, I'm being used. But he can be so caring and maybe...oh, I'm so lonely...it's rough.

We are living off my disability income, he's on social security (welfare). He told me back in 2014 that if ever I needed him to get a job he would.

I asked him in June 2018 to get a job...he said he was never going to ever work again, even if I needed him to. He said his goal in life was to be a bum on welfare until he was old and grey. 

He routinely calls me names, swears at me, makes fun of me and gives me the silent treatment for days. I know he's abusive. Why can't I leave??? (good question)

Our rental lease ends in the spring of 2019 and that is my exit strategy. You see, I pay 95% of our bills with my disability check, and I'm broke... and whereas I was debt-free when I met him, I'm now over 20k in the red. We have 6 pets together.  I LOVE my pets. He routinely ignores and neglects them. The brunt of the work and expense is on my shoulders...so I'm kind of stuck here. I refuse to leave my pets to live in a shelter. I've seen him overly aggressive with the pets and I don't trust him with them, so I WON'T leave them behind.

My only hope is to save whatever money I can over the next 6 months, tolerate the abuse, and then rent a trailer, load the pets in and leave. He has told me he will never move out.

Anyway...it's a very lonely place to be. No friends or family...I'm just looking for some positivity. 

Thanks,
Miriam



Miriam,
please leave your boyfriend, he is mentally,physically,emotional abusing you, Things won’t get better,they will get worse,Do you have family and friends to help you,even take your pets in?
you really need to get as far away as you possibly can,

 

[Jokeshopbeard]

This thread has been really quite an eye opener for me. Not that I condone it in the slightest - I've been in an abusive relationship before and it's not something I would wish on anyone - but one can really see why it works in his favour to act this way.

He's got you trapped, used, and fawning over him. He holds all of the cards and you have next to none.

He's playing you, and likely doesn't give a honeysuckle about you. He sounds like a textbook sociopath.

I would run as fast as my legs could take me. There's no redemption for people like that.

 

[TheRealCallie]

He's playing you, and likely doesn't give a honeysuckle about you. He sounds like a textbook sociopath.

Actually, just because someone abuses does not mean they don't care.  A lot of them do. They just don't know any other way. 
Chances are high that they were abused in some way or have found themselves in situations that they could not control too many times.  

Not justifying the behavior, just saying that they can and usually do love the partner they are abusing.

 

[Jokeshopbeard]

Whilst I agree that abusers are almost always abused themselves, I really question your notion that they care.

To care is to put another before oneself - something I don't believe abusers are capable of.

Perhaps we're talking about a different level of care here. But that superficial honeysuckle aint worth the breath it comes out on IMO.