Low priority for friend

[Erik20]

Hi, how do you guys deal with it when you just know you're not that important to your friend?
I used to share classes with this girl. Had a crush on her but she has a boyfriend so we could only be friends. The classes are over now but we still go to the same college. The problem is that I never see her. I only saw her twice last year and haven't even seen her once this year.
We did try to hang out a couple of times but every time she cancelled at the last minute. If it was me that would suggest hanging out, than I would get the hint but it were here own suggestions. It is kind of her personality to flake on plans because she also did it to me when we saw each other frequent. I never even try to ask cause she cancels 9 out of 10 times.

So now our contact is just a text every now and than. In the past I didn't really care about the lack of contact because I don't want to be one of her "girl friends" anyway and being friends was enough. (I don't have that many friends) However, now it's bothering me when it's pretty obvious that I really am a low priority for her. I know that she is busy with school and work but it gets to me when I see on her facebook that she does make time for other people or had parties to which I wasn't invited to.
Shoud I just let the friendship fade out? Tried to do it in the past but after some time she started sending me messages with "Haven't heard from you in a while, we should hang out", which of course didn't happen.

 

[someguy23475]

I've always felt like a backup friend. Actually, backup is too important. I was more like the last guy on the bench. I know how you feel, and it is a horrible feeling.

 

[jjam]

This discussion is all over the net and the #1 piece of advice that's given about this all over the net is to walk away. It's a solution that any victim THINKS of, but their heart tries to get them to stay. You want to stay to figure out if you're just failing to make key observations about the situation. You want to stay to give that person a chance to redeem themselves. You don't want to tarnish your positive view of the person. You just can't BELIEVE that a beautiful friendship is not possible, especially when it was all so positive otherwise. You want to like someone you liked. Makes perfect sense. But you have to look at her actions as malicious. They are. It is absolutely toxic. It is behavior that is NOT admirable. It is behavior that hurts your spirit, and what kind of "friend" would want to do that to someone they consider a friend? It is a poor piece of character. You may have wanted to like her. You may have wanted to love her. But realize that what she's doing is neither likeable nor loveable. Use that to remold your idea of her and let that constitute the strength you'll need to get over her.

Be pleasant to her when you see her, but stop making efforts to see her or speak to her. More importantly, start developing the attitude that you don't want to see or speak to her, an attitude that she doesn't have to learn about you through words but through actions. Channel your negative feelings of her to help shape this attitude.

It doesn't matter that you don't have many friends. You'll find other opportunities. You must believe this and NEVER settle/feel desperate. With "friends" like that, who needs enemies? Don't allow yourself to feel emotionally abused here. You don't deserve it.

MOVE ON! MOVE ON! MOVE ON!

Just read the last line of your post. You know, I don't get people who do this. It is a very cruel thing to do and the thing that shocks the most is that you would have never imagined them to be that way. What the heck is up with letting people have false hopes about a friendship? Again, move on. WHY she is doing this, I don't know. But you are letting her make you feel strung along. GET OFF the rollercoaster. And if she wants to know WHY the two of you haven't talked in a while, which it seems to me she'd be indifferent to, think of a pleasant response. You don't have to be critical of her in that response. It can be very short and to the point.
DON'T allow her a conversation beyond a couple of minutes. If she says she wants to hang out, tell her you no longer believe she's sincere about that.

PM me if you want to talk further. Trust me, I can relate to this big time.

 

[Erik20]

Thanks a lot jjam. Know that I have to move on. Sometimes I just have a weak moment where I forget about the bad and contact her. While writing this down I really realized how ridiculous it actually is that we haven't even seen each other this year. We go to the same college but her friends back home get to see her more than me! The rare times that we did meet was only when it was convenient for her. Like she had to go somewhere anyway and had some time left to kill.
I'm not going to confront her about it because she'll just get defensive and make up excuses. Also thinking about quiting facebook so I don't get tempted to look at her page.

 

[putter65]

Thanks a lot jjam. Know that I have to move on. Sometimes I just have a weak moment where I forget about the bad and contact her. While writing this down I really realized how ridiculous it actually is that we haven't even seen each other this year. We go to the same college but her friends back home get to see her more than me! The rare times that we did meet was only when it was convenient for her. Like she had to go somewhere anyway and had some time left to kill.
I'm not going to confront her about it because she'll just get defensive and make up excuses. Also thinking about quiting facebook so I don't get tempted to look at her page.

I'm in a similar position myself. People have told me to 'move on' - which is fair enough but what are you moving onto ? Nothing ! I'm not sure it's the same with you. Maybe you have plenty of friends both male and female so you can concentrate on them.

Women don't give me their mobile numbers, they don't want to spend time with me. I'm lucky if they add me on facebook. That's about my limit. I think the best thing to do is put it to the back of your mind if you can. Don't ask her anywhere, just send a text every now and again. Don't delete her from facebook or anything. Just concentrate on enjoying yourself with hobbies etc. If she comes back then great.

 

[Erik20]

[/quote]

I'm in a similar position myself. People have told me to 'move on' - which is fair enough but what are you moving onto ? Nothing ! I'm not sure it's the same with you. Maybe you have plenty of friends both male and female so you can concentrate on them.

Women don't give me their mobile numbers, they don't want to spend time with me. I'm lucky if they add me on facebook. That's about my limit. I think the best thing to do is put it to the back of your mind if you can. Don't ask her anywhere, just send a text every now and again. Don't delete her from facebook or anything. Just concentrate on enjoying yourself with hobbies etc. If she comes back then great.


[/quote]

Yeah, concentrate on myself is the best thing to do. I was already sending a text just every now and then, about once a month. Not sure yet if it's better to have no contact at all or just a little. Basically being a backup friend or even less than that. It is frustrating to keep being dissapointed time and time again. I wasn't planning on deleting her from facebook, just myself not logging on anymore. Barely use it anyway. It sucks to see her making time for other people and saying things like "I' miss you" to other friends that she hasn't seen for just a couple of weeks while I haven't seen her in months.

 

[trZ]

Hi, how do you guys deal with it when you just know you're not that important to your friend?
I used to share classes with this girl. Had a crush on her but she has a boyfriend so we could only be friends. The classes are over now but we still go to the same college. The problem is that I never see her. I only saw her twice last year and haven't even seen her once this year.
We did try to hang out a couple of times but every time she cancelled at the last minute. If it was me that would suggest hanging out, than I would get the hint but it were here own suggestions. It is kind of her personality to flake on plans because she also did it to me when we saw each other frequent. I never even try to ask cause she cancels 9 out of 10 times.

So now our contact is just a text every now and than. In the past I didn't really care about the lack of contact because I don't want to be one of her "girl friends" anyway and being friends was enough. (I don't have that many friends) However, now it's bothering me when it's pretty obvious that I really am a low priority for her. I know that she is busy with school and work but it gets to me when I see on her facebook that she does make time for other people or had parties to which I wasn't invited to.
Shoud I just let the friendship fade out? Tried to do it in the past but after some time she started sending me messages with "Haven't heard from you in a while, we should hang out", which of course didn't happen.

She probably thinks you are trying to get together with her (relationship), those are my initial thoughts anyways.

But look, details aren't important. She's flaking on you time after time, you REALLY shouldn't accept this. Let it fade out, find someone worth your time and effort. If she sends you a message wanting to hang out, you play the ball onto her side of the court, and if she comes with something concrete (say, a movie wednesday) then accept, if not, don't bother.

 

[putter65]

I'm in a similar position myself. People have told me to 'move on' - which is fair enough but what are you moving onto ? Nothing ! I'm not sure it's the same with you. Maybe you have plenty of friends both male and female so you can concentrate on them.

Women don't give me their mobile numbers, they don't want to spend time with me. I'm lucky if they add me on facebook. That's about my limit. I think the best thing to do is put it to the back of your mind if you can. Don't ask her anywhere, just send a text every now and again. Don't delete her from facebook or anything. Just concentrate on enjoying yourself with hobbies etc. If she comes back then great.


[/quote]

Yeah, concentrate on myself is the best thing to do. I was already sending a text just every now and then, about once a month. Not sure yet if it's better to have no contact at all or just a little. Basically being a backup friend or even less than that. It is frustrating to keep being dissapointed time and time again. I wasn't planning on deleting her from facebook, just myself not logging on anymore. Barely use it anyway. It sucks to see her making time for other people and saying things like "I' miss you" to other friends that she hasn't seen for just a couple of weeks while I haven't seen her in months.
[/quote]

I'm in the same boat myself. This woman I think alot of, writing message to this bloke calling him 'her best mate' - you've just got to get on with things. She's just moved house, didn't tell me, I obviously don't mean that much. Yet when she wanted somebody to work in her shop she was texting with sweet messages and like a mug I went along with it. I really put myself out for her.

My other friends on facebook, yes they reply to my comments occasionally and one of them came on the chat. But there is like a barrier where they won't ask me anywhere and I'm always an after thought. If I had loads of friends and I made them easy then this woman wouldn't mean so much. But I have tried and nothing ever happens. So this woman is all I've got and yes, she's probably got about 20 friends ahead of me but she gave me her mobile number so I might as well use it.

 

[foreverforeigner]

The two of you, putter65 and Erik20, are spending way too much mental energy on your respective flakes.

Erik20: what you should do is delete her number on your phone. If the texting stops, you'll get over her. If it continues, you can tease her by saying you don't recognize this number, this will start a convo with her (more than the occasional text). Once this banter happens for a while, say you've forgotten how she looks or something. This could work itself into a genuine meetup since the woman is now intrigued as to why her backup friend doesn't remember who she is.

putter65:
She doesn't see you as a personal friend but a reliable person because that's what you are. We all try to butter people if we're trying to get them to cover our shift. I'm always nice to receptionists at the doctor's but I'm not their friend friend. Sweet messages are nothing to many women. They are just girly like that.

To both of you AGAIN: don't waste any mental energy on these two women!! Get them out of your system. Take a nice giant mental dump. That way, you have space for new friends.