Middle ground between hook-ups and marriage

[TheRealCallie]

Still me who is rude, I suppose?

 

[ditakelly]

LMAO... perhaps you have met your match this time... You silly woman

 

[Nwahs]

dit: Working on it.

Cal: Yes, I shall live my life, despite differing opinions of strangers on the internet. No matter how compelling their arguments are. Hah.

 

[TheRealCallie]

LMAO... perhaps you have met your match this time... You silly woman

In rudeness?  No, I'd say you won.....

 

[AmytheTemperamental]

Anyway, in response to the origional question, what she is looking for is a 'partner' or  'life companion' it's entirely normal and achievable, but POF just ain't really the place to find them, I met my long term partners in real life, thing would last between 2 -6 years, sensible stuff no marriage or kids. The people who live like that tend to be educated, independent thinkers or artsy types.

Do me favour. Stop describing how "people tend to be". I get that you've had your head banged against the headboard a few times, but that's not a professional qualification.

 

[ditakelly]

But it's true, people as they get older tend to fall into one or two camps, they have either gone down the get married have a few kids route or thay did uni,career,travel,write a book type of thing. No one camp is better than the other,just different. It's good to know where you fit in in life,cos that's how you meet other similar types who you may find common ground with, that's why those POF type website dont really work, too many people from different walks of life all trying to find a connection which can't exist cos theres no common ground,for example it would be no good me dating a bloke who has a few kids cos we would have had different life experiences,like wise he wouldn't get my life experience either. That's not a bad thing,if anything it makes life easier to stick with your own type of person. (Bearing in mind I wouldn't ever date anyone again anyway) how could I ever find any common ground with someone who has had a compleetly different life from me, it would also annoy them as well. But like I said I would never have a relationship again and maybe because I've had closure about that, I just look at things objectively.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Um, you can do all of that honeysuckle. It's not one camp or the other. I have friends who didn't have kids until they were in their 30's.

Just because you want everyone to fit into your own perceived categories, doesn't mean that's what happens.....

 

[Melissaur]

Firstly lets clear up this: You can't have your cake and eat it (too) is a popular English idiomatic proverb or figure of speech. The proverb literally means "you cannot simultaneously retain your cake and eat it". Once the cake is eaten, it is gone. It can be used to say that one cannot or should not have or want more than one deserves or is reasonable, or that one cannot or should not try to have two incompatible things. The proverb's meaning is similar to the phrases "you can't have it both ways" and "you can't have the best of both worlds."
-Wikipedia

When my ex and I first got together, it was under the FWBs banner. I thought myself to be a highly self-aware, rational and mature person - enough to be able to consciously control any primal urges that might mess with a FWBs arrangement. I was wrong. About a month in and I was in love. Hormonal and neurological changes in the female brain when she is in love simply don't allow for FWBs. Or so I've read. Try googling it if you're skeptical, it's good to research before forming an opinion. I should have researched it before attempting FWBs, but I guess it was fine since he agreed to form a proper relationship when I asked. Too bad it didn't last since he wanted marriage and children. 

I wouldn't do FWBs again, nor would I recommend it - it can be really damaging to women. 
Men can benefit greatly from it, but it will usually be at the woman's emotional expense.

https://psychcentral.com/lib/friends-with-benefits-can-women-handle-it/
This article essentially says that for a woman not to become emotionally attached, it has to be purely sexual and she should have multiple partners.


So if you want to find a woman to provide a regular source of casual sex (eating the cake), you can't be friends with her (keeping the cake intact). Because these 2 things are not compatible, if you have regular sex with a woman you are friends with - her brain is wired to fall in love and want more. At least according to the literature out there on the subject. Sure there must be exceptions out there, women with hormonal mixtures different to the majority.

I class the FWB scheme as the same category as hook-ups.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Lol, we know what the cake expression means.

 

[ditakelly]

That's exactly what I was talking about Melissaur,well articulated,good call. I hope you find what you are looking for.

 

[Melissaur]

Um, you can do all of that honeysuckle.  It's not one camp or the other.  I have friends who didn't have kids until they were in their 30's.

Just because you want everyone to fit into your own perceived categories, doesn't mean that's what happens.....

Lets argue the "tend to" phrase she is using means "statistically speaking"

https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/products/databriefs/db232.htm
https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/products/databriefs/db152.htm

I can't work out if statistically woman (in America) have their children early or later in life... These reports are confusing

 

[ditakelly]

People do often have kids in their 30's it's true, I never said they didn't. Having children fundamentally changes a person in evey way, and so it should,it's a really important job. But for me the '30 something' mum, ain't gonna have anything in common with the '30 something' career girl, who is doing different things with her life, having a baby literally takes up every second of a woman's waking energy. I know this cos when I worked as a personal trainer I would get many women come to me trying to loose their baby weight, it would kill me making conversation for hour with those women,it was so painfully dull (of course i wouldn't let on that it was) so the point I'm making is it's easier to find your own type of person where conversation can flow freely, and for me that's non-parents.

 

[Melissaur]

I would reason that people who want a type of middle ground option would fit into one or more of 3 categories:
1 ) Those who feel their current lifestyle is precious and fulfilling; and wouldn't want it diluted or damaged by marriage and children. For example, a high-functioning business power couple who wouldn't have time to raise children themselves and don't want to be financially tied to each other through marriage. Or another example, a low-functioning gamer couple who spend all their free time and spare cash on video games and therefore wouldn't have the time and money for marriage and children.
2 ) Those that have been there and done that, divorcees, widows, single parents. It didn't go well for them the first time and the burn still hurts so they don't want to try again.
3 ) Those free-thinkers who reject the institution of marriage as pretentious and meaningless, especially given climbing divorce rates. And who don't want to contribute any further to the over-population and destruction of the environment by birthing more mass consuming beings called humans. Or some other school or thought leading to the rejection of these ideas, perhaps even a mental illness.

Can anyone think of another reason for seeking a middle ground option?
I fit into category 1 and 3,

 

[TheRealCallie]

I don't fit in any of those categories.....

 

[Melissaur]

People do often have kids in their 30's it's true, I never said they didn't. Having children fundamentally changes a person in evey way, and so it should,it's a really important job. But for me the '30 something' mum, ain't gonna have anything in common with the '30 something' career girl, who is doing different things with her life, having a baby literally takes up every second of a woman's waking energy. I know this cos when I worked as a personal trainer I would get many women come to me trying to loose their baby weight, it would kill me making conversation for hour with those women,it was so painfully dull (of course i wouldn't let on that it was) so the point I'm making is it's easier to find your own type of person where conversation can flow freely, and for me that's non-parents.

I absolutely agree on a personal level, it is mental torture for me as a childless woman trying to talk to or be friends with a woman who has small children. All they can talk about is their kids and maybe their husband, they have no hobbies or time to go out. Can't invite them to parties unless the children can come too. They only post on Facebook about their children. It's like when a women becomes a mum, she stops being a person. I'm sure there are exceptions to this too, but I haven't met any yet!

It's different with older women whose children are grown adults, I can converse with them fine. 

Looking at it from this angle I can see how is would probably be impossible for me to date someone with small children. Maybe if their children are teenagers it would be easier.

 

[TheRealCallie]

People do often have kids in their 30's it's true, I never said they didn't. Having children fundamentally changes a person in evey way, and so it should,it's a really important job. But for me the '30 something' mum, ain't gonna have anything in common with the '30 something' career girl, who is doing different things with her life, having a baby literally takes up every second of a woman's waking energy. I know this cos when I worked as a personal trainer I would get many women come to me trying to loose their baby weight, it would kill me making conversation for hour with those women,it was so painfully dull (of course i wouldn't let on that it was) so the point I'm making is it's easier to find your own type of person where conversation can flow freely, and for me that's non-parents.

I absolutely agree on a personal level, it is mental torture for me as a childless woman trying to talk to or be friends with a woman who has small children. All they can talk about is their kids and maybe their husband, they have no hobbies or time to go out. Can't invite them to parties unless the children can come too. They only post on Facebook about their children. It's like when a women becomes a mum, she stops being a person. I'm sure there are exceptions to this too, but I haven't met any yet!

It's different with older women whose children are grown adults, I can converse with them fine. 

Looking at it from this angle I can see how is would probably be impossible for me to date someone with small children. Maybe if their children are teenagers it would be easier.

Not every mom is like that....Some parents don't give a fresia about their kids at all.