My friends disappearance

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Night89

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My close friends leave me, they say im a weight on their life. It's really depressing when you hear and notice that your friends stops answering their phones and or say that im a burden on their life. I don't know how i can balance the art of being open and close. It's like my fear of relationships, the pain when you loose a close friend is really though. It's like your soul being burned and stabbed at the same time. Ok, im not going on how much pity there is about myself.

But how do you balance your personality in order not to be a burden. I've suffered a lot of mental issues recently and been hospitalised. Because of this they say or think im a burden on their life. I'm a recovering alcoholic and attends AA one friend said i "endangered his sobriety". They say that i haven't done anything wrong, but they cant stand me apparently. It's like i take the victim role. But that doesn't lessen the hurt.

As i mentioned before i have autism, which probably complicates things further for me. It feels like every time i try to step outside my comfort zone i get punished by faith. I don't know what im doing wrong. I've come up with the strategy to keep for myself in order not to loose more friends. There is a saying that i relate to, it's like being on another planet. I feel that way some times, especially when I've lost friends by having them to close.

How do you dare to take down the wall?
 

VanillaCreme

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I think someone should tell you that it's not you. When people distance themselves, it's because of a reason they determined. However, if you really want to do something differently, try to think of what you actually do. If they're expressing that you may be a burden to them, think about if you're actually leaning on them a lot. I completely understand wanting to talk to someone, but sometimes, we want to so much, that we may not realize how heavily we're leaning on someone. And it is a lot to handle sometimes. Is every conversation with you dark and heavy? Or do you try to keep it light and clean for the majority of the time? And you have to remember that even if you keep it light for the most part, people deal with things differently. One thing could set someone off. Someone else might be able to shoulder a lot more.

Which all leads back to saying it's not you. There will always be someone who can handle something another person can't. Someone's "You're too much," will always be someone else's "That's all you needed?" so it's not you. If someone is expressing themselves like how you've explained in the post, sometimes it's one of those reading between the lines kind of thing.
 
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People suck now IRL. I avoid them and avoid all the problems associated with them. I feel sorry for the people that have the need to have friends IRL. Now a days you do have to keep much of who you really are hidden. You have to appear as a positive to someone else's life otherwise they will disappear.
 

Wayfarer

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My close friends leave me, they say im a weight on their life. It's really depressing when you hear and notice that your friends stops answering their phones and or say that im a burden on their life. I don't know how i can balance the art of being open and close. It's like my fear of relationships, the pain when you loose a close friend is really though. It's like your soul being burned and stabbed at the same time. Ok, im not going on how much pity there is about myself.

But how do you balance your personality in order not to be a burden. I've suffered a lot of mental issues recently and been hospitalised. Because of this they say or think im a burden on their life. I'm a recovering alcoholic and attends AA one friend said i "endangered his sobriety". They say that i haven't done anything wrong, but they cant stand me apparently. It's like i take the victim role. But that doesn't lessen the hurt.

As i mentioned before i have autism, which probably complicates things further for me. It feels like every time i try to step outside my comfort zone i get punished by faith. I don't know what im doing wrong. I've come up with the strategy to keep for myself in order not to loose more friends. There is a saying that i relate to, it's like being on another planet. I feel that way some times, especially when I've lost friends by having them to close.

How do you dare to take down the wall?
To be fair, I don't know the whole situation at all, but I don't think this is all on you, even if there were a legitimate reason for their behavior.
Some people can't deal well with anything uncomfortable, and may want to distance because of that, for example.
I have "scared some people off" with my "condition" quite some times in the past, but recognise that even if that is the cause, we should prioritise our well being, and hopefully real friends will understand and still stick with you, although they might want to distance for some time. I know it still sucks.

Honestly, maybe it would help if you could have a heart to heart talk (or message) with them, just to understand what they are going through too, and why they said those words (being called a burden is quite extreme, at least for me).
I would also try and give them some space, in case you've been calling or writing them to vent all the time.

People suck now IRL. I avoid them and avoid all the problems associated with them. I feel sorry for the people that have the need to have friends IRL. Now a days you do have to keep much of who you really are hidden. You have to appear as a positive to someone else's life otherwise they will disappear.
This is not true for every case, but is indeed a very common thing. However, I don't think one should change "their personality" as the OP said. It is always a welcome endeavor to try and "file down the edges" and generally improve ourselves, but I don't think one should willingly play as a different individual.
It is true that not everyone is equipped with the necessary skills to handle such situations and in any case that not everyone will even try to... I feel like I'm going off a tangent again so I'll keep this brief.


You can of course work on yourself and try to work on what you think are the partial causes of these people leaving; this is still not guaranteed to bring them back. However, do not read this as "do not even try", because it's not what I'm saying. If you have realized that your behavior might have had a hand in this, it is worthwhile to give it a try.
It could also be that these people need a break for a little while as they might be overwhelmed by their perceived inability to help you. For example - bit of a personal case here - they might say that you always say/do the same things / make the same mistakes all over again.
Some could have been friends only on a very light level, and maybe had no intention to even deal with other people's problems. Not everyone is empathetic, or to the same degree, in any case.

Whatever the case, I would advise to wait a little while, then maybe write a message trying to understand the reasons behind their choice, and at the same time, decide to what degree you are going to compromise, and whether to put how much effort into changing.
Also I realize this might be hard to do, but realize there's no "fault", so ideally don't blame anyone, neither these friends, nor yourself. You can of course think of ways to better the situation, but accepting some things (for example that some of these friends may need to be away) might also be something to consider.

That being said, I'm sorry if I've misread the situation.
 

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