michael2
Well-known member
- Joined
- Dec 11, 2015
- Messages
- 208
- Reaction score
- 105
Im living off of 2 small pieces of frozen chicken a day. I've lost 25 pounds in 2 months. This guy I know said hes worried about how thin I've gotten. My pants are falling off. The other day I thought there was a hole in my stomach. It was just really sunk in and it scared me.
I can barely support myself. I cant get a job. I went in for an interview today and it felt like I was being interrogated for committing a murder. The guy didnt care for me at all. I let myself be vulnerable and as usual I got nothing in return. I called my sister to tell her I didnt get the job and she told me how stupid I was for handling it wrong and that I should have listened to her and applied for a different job. No sympathy just hate. I called another sister of mine and she said 'how many times do I got to repeat myself' when I was on the verge of tears on the phone. I just hung up. Then she texted me and said I was unthankful.
30 years old, never had a girlfriend, and no close friends. I keep getting this stupid thought in my mind that if a woman loved me suddenly I would have self worth and everything would be OK. Maybe its just a silly thing I dream about to keep me going.
All my life I've just been a big punching bag for people. I guess they know I want lash out back at them, so they treat me like garbage. Even my own family. I dont know if its intentional. Maybe they're just taking their frustrations out on me.
For my whole life until I moved out in my 20s I was constantly verbally abused by my father and siblings. Everyday I was told how worthless I was. How I would should never get married as I would ruin someone else's life. Every mistake no matter how small was put under a microscope and criticized.
I feel ashamed that recently I've started to get very angry and wanted to break things to let out my frustration. It makes me feel so bad. Like Im a bad person for having these thoughts. It seems lately I cry almost every day. I feel like a little girl. Its humiliating.
I keep trying to put up this front that Im a happy and confident person. But its as strong as a balloon. Its always popped so easily. Everytime I think I've turned the corner I always crash back down to reality. I try my best to be a good person who loves people, but its gotten me nothing or nowhere in life. Its just painted a big target on my back.
Most people at 30 have their own family and are happy. At 30 I just realized I failed at life. Nothing I've done worked. My life is ruined. I cant find decent work, women dont care for me. I really dont know what to say. Except that my father was right. I really am a screwup. The thing is, once you realize that, what do you do next? I feel like Im just existing. I wish I could go to sleep for the next 5 years. And then wakeup and maybe things would change. Probably not.
If you try and put the pieces back together, where do you begin? I cant even imagine the extent of damage to me on the inside. The temptation to just slip into a deep depression seems very attractive right now. Something is resisting my thoughts about just giving up. I wish it would give in.
I can barely support myself. I cant get a job. I went in for an interview today and it felt like I was being interrogated for committing a murder. The guy didnt care for me at all. I let myself be vulnerable and as usual I got nothing in return. I called my sister to tell her I didnt get the job and she told me how stupid I was for handling it wrong and that I should have listened to her and applied for a different job. No sympathy just hate. I called another sister of mine and she said 'how many times do I got to repeat myself' when I was on the verge of tears on the phone. I just hung up. Then she texted me and said I was unthankful.
30 years old, never had a girlfriend, and no close friends. I keep getting this stupid thought in my mind that if a woman loved me suddenly I would have self worth and everything would be OK. Maybe its just a silly thing I dream about to keep me going.
All my life I've just been a big punching bag for people. I guess they know I want lash out back at them, so they treat me like garbage. Even my own family. I dont know if its intentional. Maybe they're just taking their frustrations out on me.
For my whole life until I moved out in my 20s I was constantly verbally abused by my father and siblings. Everyday I was told how worthless I was. How I would should never get married as I would ruin someone else's life. Every mistake no matter how small was put under a microscope and criticized.
I feel ashamed that recently I've started to get very angry and wanted to break things to let out my frustration. It makes me feel so bad. Like Im a bad person for having these thoughts. It seems lately I cry almost every day. I feel like a little girl. Its humiliating.
I keep trying to put up this front that Im a happy and confident person. But its as strong as a balloon. Its always popped so easily. Everytime I think I've turned the corner I always crash back down to reality. I try my best to be a good person who loves people, but its gotten me nothing or nowhere in life. Its just painted a big target on my back.
Most people at 30 have their own family and are happy. At 30 I just realized I failed at life. Nothing I've done worked. My life is ruined. I cant find decent work, women dont care for me. I really dont know what to say. Except that my father was right. I really am a screwup. The thing is, once you realize that, what do you do next? I feel like Im just existing. I wish I could go to sleep for the next 5 years. And then wakeup and maybe things would change. Probably not.
If you try and put the pieces back together, where do you begin? I cant even imagine the extent of damage to me on the inside. The temptation to just slip into a deep depression seems very attractive right now. Something is resisting my thoughts about just giving up. I wish it would give in.