Loneillness
New member
Greetings, my future friends (I hope so)!
I have found this site just by googling for words "loneliness" and "forum". In fact, I do believe that the key to a friendship is understanding, and that only people who know what loneliness is can truly understand others who live in such condition.
I think it's time to present myself.
I'm 29 years old male. My loneliness was born with me and within me. From early childhood I was alone – alone playing in kindergarten, alone doing my homework, alone preparing to exams. I tried to make friends, and even found some people whom I call like that, but this didn't led to any inner satisfaction, just made my days a bit less murky. I still feeling myself lonely and misunderstood, sometimes to the point I wish to scream out all my inner state into the ether.
This condition wasn't chosen by me; on the contrary, I was chosen by it. I hardly remember all the events which led me into the state I dwell now: self-dismissal from children activity, playing alone, growing misunderstanding, weird behaviour, bullying from other kids in kindergarten and later in school, catastrophically low self-esteem, extreme social phobia and finally, depression.
Maybe it was some sort of autistic spectrum disorder like high-functioning Asperger's syndrome which ignited the fuse of fateful events – I don't know exactly and probably will never know. Time has smoothed manifestations of my weirdness and by now I've learned how to behave like a "normal". It takes a lot of effort to me, but at least I'm trying hard. But still, if you'll try to get to know me closer, I'm sure you'll face that ugly mask which I wear and will wear forever. I've locked my inner self in the cage of my fears and threw out the key.
How do I live now? A loner without a girlfriend (whom I never had), virgin (surprisingly, huh?), cat lover (indeed!), gamer (generally SP), atheist and heavy metal fan (\m/). I live in small town with mother (retired, but working on her own in the town's market) and disabled brother. 8 long years after university (university Carl!) I worked in a government institution for a shameful salary in the collective of old retired sea wolf and no less older ladies. I found out that I've developed AvPD (Avoidant Personality Disorder). The diagnosis wasn't put officially but my acquaintance psychiatrist (yeah, I have acquaintance psychiatrist, but that's another sad story linked to my brother's disability) confirmed my assumption. Also I overcame depression by means of medicamental treatment. As depression was linked to my thoughts and fears of being alone forever, now I have "depressophobia" as I call it – a phobia of thoughts that once led me to depression. I subconsciously prevent pathological thoughts from being comprehended killing them in infancy. I don't think of my future at all.
Time has passed, and I finally found new, better job. Now I'm a web programmer at the airline/railway tickets and hotel booking company (more like aggregation centre for retailers). My salary is 5 times higher now than when I worked for the government (and I still work there half-time). But the symptoms never gone – constant stress, fear of being ashamed, stiffness of movements and facial expressions. Every working day I have a lunch in my car because of fear of my colleagues. One day woman from my work noticed this and later said me: "No need to go crazy". All my thoughts in that moment was "I'm already crazy".
Sessions with a psychologist didn't help much. Sessions with psychotherapist were interrupted by me because of my disbelief that someone could help me. The natural need for communication was fulfilled by secretly talking with myself. I dread I'll rot in my sick thoughts without ability to share them with others. Apogee was when company where I work now has arranged a corporate party - it was too much for me - after "party" I walked home 30 km from the city where I work to the town where I live, at night down the empty road through the dark forest (huh, forgot to visit my grandpa lying in the cemetery halfway through the forest, lol
. It was fabulous and sick at the same time. The only word that was completely unsuitable is "fear". I felt fresh air, freedom, pain in my legs – but not fear. Because there were no other people besides me.
The last nail in my coffin's lid became psoriasis on my head and face. Great. Now my monster image is complete.
P. S. Ok, I think I already written too much. I'm going to spend this night on a duty. I'm sitting here, in 1899 German-built red brick building with high ceilings, writing these lines on my trusty laptop. My english is far from perfect, I know – it's not my native language. Forgive me. My laptop doesn't have cyrillic letters on its keyboard, so I've chosen to reveal my soul to the english-speaking auditory. (Sorry, that was stupid justification). And the most importantly, I ever dreamt to have friends all over the world. So, maybe you could help me?
I have found this site just by googling for words "loneliness" and "forum". In fact, I do believe that the key to a friendship is understanding, and that only people who know what loneliness is can truly understand others who live in such condition.
I think it's time to present myself.
I'm 29 years old male. My loneliness was born with me and within me. From early childhood I was alone – alone playing in kindergarten, alone doing my homework, alone preparing to exams. I tried to make friends, and even found some people whom I call like that, but this didn't led to any inner satisfaction, just made my days a bit less murky. I still feeling myself lonely and misunderstood, sometimes to the point I wish to scream out all my inner state into the ether.
This condition wasn't chosen by me; on the contrary, I was chosen by it. I hardly remember all the events which led me into the state I dwell now: self-dismissal from children activity, playing alone, growing misunderstanding, weird behaviour, bullying from other kids in kindergarten and later in school, catastrophically low self-esteem, extreme social phobia and finally, depression.
Maybe it was some sort of autistic spectrum disorder like high-functioning Asperger's syndrome which ignited the fuse of fateful events – I don't know exactly and probably will never know. Time has smoothed manifestations of my weirdness and by now I've learned how to behave like a "normal". It takes a lot of effort to me, but at least I'm trying hard. But still, if you'll try to get to know me closer, I'm sure you'll face that ugly mask which I wear and will wear forever. I've locked my inner self in the cage of my fears and threw out the key.
How do I live now? A loner without a girlfriend (whom I never had), virgin (surprisingly, huh?), cat lover (indeed!), gamer (generally SP), atheist and heavy metal fan (\m/). I live in small town with mother (retired, but working on her own in the town's market) and disabled brother. 8 long years after university (university Carl!) I worked in a government institution for a shameful salary in the collective of old retired sea wolf and no less older ladies. I found out that I've developed AvPD (Avoidant Personality Disorder). The diagnosis wasn't put officially but my acquaintance psychiatrist (yeah, I have acquaintance psychiatrist, but that's another sad story linked to my brother's disability) confirmed my assumption. Also I overcame depression by means of medicamental treatment. As depression was linked to my thoughts and fears of being alone forever, now I have "depressophobia" as I call it – a phobia of thoughts that once led me to depression. I subconsciously prevent pathological thoughts from being comprehended killing them in infancy. I don't think of my future at all.
Time has passed, and I finally found new, better job. Now I'm a web programmer at the airline/railway tickets and hotel booking company (more like aggregation centre for retailers). My salary is 5 times higher now than when I worked for the government (and I still work there half-time). But the symptoms never gone – constant stress, fear of being ashamed, stiffness of movements and facial expressions. Every working day I have a lunch in my car because of fear of my colleagues. One day woman from my work noticed this and later said me: "No need to go crazy". All my thoughts in that moment was "I'm already crazy".
Sessions with a psychologist didn't help much. Sessions with psychotherapist were interrupted by me because of my disbelief that someone could help me. The natural need for communication was fulfilled by secretly talking with myself. I dread I'll rot in my sick thoughts without ability to share them with others. Apogee was when company where I work now has arranged a corporate party - it was too much for me - after "party" I walked home 30 km from the city where I work to the town where I live, at night down the empty road through the dark forest (huh, forgot to visit my grandpa lying in the cemetery halfway through the forest, lol
. It was fabulous and sick at the same time. The only word that was completely unsuitable is "fear". I felt fresh air, freedom, pain in my legs – but not fear. Because there were no other people besides me.The last nail in my coffin's lid became psoriasis on my head and face. Great. Now my monster image is complete.
P. S. Ok, I think I already written too much. I'm going to spend this night on a duty. I'm sitting here, in 1899 German-built red brick building with high ceilings, writing these lines on my trusty laptop. My english is far from perfect, I know – it's not my native language. Forgive me. My laptop doesn't have cyrillic letters on its keyboard, so I've chosen to reveal my soul to the english-speaking auditory. (Sorry, that was stupid justification). And the most importantly, I ever dreamt to have friends all over the world. So, maybe you could help me?
