Few days ago, at my work, I saw this gorgeous girl..
She wasn't EXTREMELY beautiful in the general term, but to me she was very very attractive. And what I liked most about her, was just her ...smile. Her smiling, vibrant, sunshine and lollipops look. Goodness gracious I was smitten, I couldn't stop looking. She didn't dress anything sexy or anything. She was just in a sweater and jeans and I guess average, but still.. she looked so... homely. Does that even make sense? Like.. someone you would want to come home to. Some one where you feel at home with, in terms of comfort, happiness, nurturing.
LoL this I felt all with just few glances at her. As silly as it sounds. But then this leads to my deep inner sadness, the fact that I can never be with anyone like that. I'm in a mess in terms of my personal life but even if all the issues were resolved, I don't think in any universe I'd be able to be with such a girl.
Physical attributed short-comings aside, it's just my emotional/mental state. There are happy go lucky people, and then some are the soul-sucking hopeless always sad people, like "dementers" from Harry potter. I fall in the latter category.
I'm just too needy, clingy, affectionate, loving, jealous, insecure of a person. I've craved love & intimacy my whole life, and I guess that need was never met in a satisfactory way. I've always been this overly passionate person about love and loving and affection and all that stupid crap. When I was with my very first gf (at age 23, and very very long distance), I was very happy because I could shower her with my affection and love and all that. But at the same time I felt so insecure, so clingy and needy. I pretty much ruined the relationship for myself. It was doomed to failure anyway but still, it was very hard for me.
My second relationship was the same way, though it lasted longer. This time, however, I controlled my insecurities and the relationship lasted longer. It also ended, because well.. the girl just fell out of love. (this was agian, another stupid long distance one).
So there it is. I didn't have my first loving/intimate experience with a girl until I was 23. Til then it was just years of frustration and pining over crush's and people whom were already taken or would never even consider me.
Sorry. Maybe I'm trying to justify my bad dark side (insecurity, soul sucking, happiness draining attributes). I don't mean to justify it.. but I guess just giving context.
I'm at a point in my life where I really don't see things getting better for me. At all. Even if my current personal circumstances were to change... I still don't know if that would change anything afterwards. I would still be the insecure clingy loser guy that no one ever wants...or at least the way I've felt 99.9% of my life.
I often hear people say "you have to love your self first" well... I do love myself. But I have this deep drilled fear/insecurity that no one loves me and ever will. Haha if I didn't love myself I wouldn't continue to exist.
I"m not sure why I'm writing all this. I don't know what to get out of this post. I'm just spewing out whats inside my heart. My deepest fears and deepest depths of hopeless ness.
I really don't know what to do. The past 3 years have been nothing but pain, stress, and anxiety. I don't know if there's anything to look forward to, for me at least. =/
She wasn't EXTREMELY beautiful in the general term, but to me she was very very attractive. And what I liked most about her, was just her ...smile. Her smiling, vibrant, sunshine and lollipops look. Goodness gracious I was smitten, I couldn't stop looking. She didn't dress anything sexy or anything. She was just in a sweater and jeans and I guess average, but still.. she looked so... homely. Does that even make sense? Like.. someone you would want to come home to. Some one where you feel at home with, in terms of comfort, happiness, nurturing.
LoL this I felt all with just few glances at her. As silly as it sounds. But then this leads to my deep inner sadness, the fact that I can never be with anyone like that. I'm in a mess in terms of my personal life but even if all the issues were resolved, I don't think in any universe I'd be able to be with such a girl.
Physical attributed short-comings aside, it's just my emotional/mental state. There are happy go lucky people, and then some are the soul-sucking hopeless always sad people, like "dementers" from Harry potter. I fall in the latter category.
I'm just too needy, clingy, affectionate, loving, jealous, insecure of a person. I've craved love & intimacy my whole life, and I guess that need was never met in a satisfactory way. I've always been this overly passionate person about love and loving and affection and all that stupid crap. When I was with my very first gf (at age 23, and very very long distance), I was very happy because I could shower her with my affection and love and all that. But at the same time I felt so insecure, so clingy and needy. I pretty much ruined the relationship for myself. It was doomed to failure anyway but still, it was very hard for me.
My second relationship was the same way, though it lasted longer. This time, however, I controlled my insecurities and the relationship lasted longer. It also ended, because well.. the girl just fell out of love. (this was agian, another stupid long distance one).
So there it is. I didn't have my first loving/intimate experience with a girl until I was 23. Til then it was just years of frustration and pining over crush's and people whom were already taken or would never even consider me.
Sorry. Maybe I'm trying to justify my bad dark side (insecurity, soul sucking, happiness draining attributes). I don't mean to justify it.. but I guess just giving context.
I'm at a point in my life where I really don't see things getting better for me. At all. Even if my current personal circumstances were to change... I still don't know if that would change anything afterwards. I would still be the insecure clingy loser guy that no one ever wants...or at least the way I've felt 99.9% of my life.
I often hear people say "you have to love your self first" well... I do love myself. But I have this deep drilled fear/insecurity that no one loves me and ever will. Haha if I didn't love myself I wouldn't continue to exist.
I"m not sure why I'm writing all this. I don't know what to get out of this post. I'm just spewing out whats inside my heart. My deepest fears and deepest depths of hopeless ness.
I really don't know what to do. The past 3 years have been nothing but pain, stress, and anxiety. I don't know if there's anything to look forward to, for me at least. =/