Need advice after a first date

[omarlittle]

Hey guys, havent posted here in a while but I've still been lurking and reading. So about a month ago I finally bit the bullet and signed up for an online dating site. I figured it was a low risk, high reward. Most girls dont respond to my messages but I dont really get bothered by it too much. I did have some friendly conversations with a few, and even a couple flat out called me attractive/cute which REALLY boosted my confidence.

So the other day, I met up with this one girl I had been messaging. Now, I am only an average looking guy and I know its not good to put girls on a pedestal but man this girl is very attractive, def out of my league. I'm surprised because I didn't let this get to me and I thought the "date" actually went really well. She's really cool. We hung out for like 2 hours and the conversation kept going for the most part. We hugged it out at the end of the night. I texted her a couple hours after our date and we kept some friendly convo going on for a bit. I dont want to seem so needy though so I wont contact her for a couple of days.

Here's the tricky part...she's new to town and just moved like 2 weeks ago. So part of her online profile did hint that she was trying to make new friends in a new city. So what does that mean for me lol? Is that the only reason that a cute girl like her agreed to go out on a "date" with me? How do I avoid the friendzone (if I'm not already in it)?

So I kinda need some advice. What's the next course of action? Keep in mind that I have never been in a relationship before (loser!) so this is new territory for me. I really dont want to fresia this up! I'm planning to maybe ask her out again next weekend (1 week seems like a good enough distance). But how can I make sure that she knows I'm interested in being more than friends? And how can I tell if she feels the same way? Should I go in for the kiss on the second date? I dont want to quickly mess things up...but again I also dont want her to think we're just friends.

Sorry for the super long post but I'm not sure where else to go. I may be overthinking this but again, I'm new to this dating/relationship stuff. I am excited/nervous about the possibilities.

 

[Edward W]

Maybe you should just see what happens?

Would just having a friend be so bad?

Having a girl as a just a friend might get you introduced to more girls, one of which might become a girlfriend!

 

[khaoz_ferox]

Yeah, man. Just go with the flow.

If it feels right, go for that kiss. If you're uncertain, don't. There is every chance you'll get friendzoned, but like Edward W said, would it really be that bad? New friends open up new avenues. Good luck, bro.

 

[Badjedidude]

Try anal.

 

[Batman55]

No discredit to you, but you really need to be thanking your paycheck right now. Or perhaps, your manly job--are you good with your hands?

Yeah not to sound shallow or too assuming about the opposite sex, but my point is, there has to be something special about you. Even if she's just meeting you to make a friend, you've already achieved something envious. Strange as it may seem, my experience shows that even if they say they want "new friends only" in their profile, they will not reply unless you've "got what it takes." Therefore my experience with dating sites, limited though it may be, seems to indicate what I suspected all along: if you don't have "certain things" they're looking for, they're not interested in you, even if you want to be their guide to the new city. You can write creatively and try to be funny all you want, but if your profile doesn't indicate you have these "certain things," they will not show interest.

 

[theglasscell]

No discredit to you, but you really need to be thanking your paycheck right now. Or perhaps, your manly job--are you good with your hands?

Yeah not to sound shallow or too assuming about the opposite sex, but my point is, there has to be something special about you. Even if she's just meeting you to make a friend, you've already achieved something envious. Strange as it may seem, my experience shows that even if they say they want "new friends only" in their profile, they will not reply unless you've "got what it takes." Therefore my experience with dating sites, limited though it may be, seems to indicate what I suspected all along: if you don't have "certain things" they're looking for, they're not interested in you, even if you want to be their guide to the new city. You can write creatively and try to be funny all you want, but if your profile doesn't indicate you have these "certain things," they will not show interest.

That's really not true at all.

I am a janitor and only make 50k a year and I get dates from online sites all the time.

So not all girls are just judging you based on your job.

Being really tall and handsome never hurts though.

 

[Batman55]

That's really not true at all.

I am a janitor and only make 50k a year and I get dates from online sites all the time.

So not all girls are just judging you based on your job.

Being really tall and handsome never hurts though.

Some people don't even make half of 50k per year, and some are unemployed looking for jobs

I said the job is probably a part of it, but not all of it. I did say "certain things" in there right? Which implies, not just money. That could also mean tall and muscular, or even just confident. It seems like if you don't have any of these things, they will not show interest. And you can act as confident or funny as you want in messages, but it won't matter unless your confidence, your good looks, your ambition, whatever, is in your profile.

You can't fairly accuse me of lying, when it has been my experience. Basically, nobody gives a crap. They visit the profile and don't reply, don't message, yada yada... I challenge any woman on here to say they would act any differently if they came across my profile. He says he's shy? Strike one. Won't list job and income? Strike two. On and on it goes... I cannot come up with any other explanation as to why they all pass. I can't claim to understand your thought processes either... but I do know, an amazing profile ALWAYS gets more responses.

If I'm supposed to lie to make myself look better, that's against my principles.

 

[Punisher]

Here's the tricky part...she's new to town and just moved like 2 weeks ago. So part of her online profile did hint that she was trying to make new friends in a new city. So what does that mean for me lol? Is that the only reason that a cute girl like her agreed to go out on a "date" with me? How do I avoid the friendzone (if I'm not already in it)?

Not trying to be an ass or anything, but she will most probably forget about you after she meets more people.

 

[Phaedron]

It's a yes or no thing from the very start so don't worry about it. A woman knows immediately after looking at a guy for the first time whether or not they will be having sex.

 

[theglasscell]

That's really not true at all.

I am a janitor and only make 50k a year and I get dates from online sites all the time.

So not all girls are just judging you based on your job.

Being really tall and handsome never hurts though.

Some people don't even make half of 50k per year, and some are unemployed looking for jobs

I said the job is probably a part of it, but not all of it. I did say "certain things" in there right? Which implies, not just money. That could also mean tall and muscular, or even just confident. It seems like if you don't have any of these things, they will not show interest. And you can act as confident or funny as you want in messages, but it won't matter unless your confidence, your good looks, your ambition, whatever, is in your profile.

You can't fairly accuse me of lying, when it has been my experience. Basically, nobody gives a crap. They visit the profile and don't reply, don't message, yada yada... I challenge any woman on here to say they would act any differently if they came across my profile. He says he's shy? Strike one. Won't list job and income? Strike two. On and on it goes... I cannot come up with any other explanation as to why they all pass. I can't claim to understand your thought processes either... but I do know, an amazing profile ALWAYS gets more responses.

If I'm supposed to lie to make myself look better, that's against my principles.

You could just be using the wrong site for your personality.

On OkCupid my response rate is really high and I get messaged a lot.

That's because there are more nerdy girls who are really into literature.

Then on Plenty of Fish, I will not get a single message or reply ever.

In four years of using it on and off I have never once got a message on it.

But that site is mostly girls who like gym rats or guido guys, like the type of guys who show their six-pack in a picture while standing in front of a Camaro.

It's just a waste of time for me to use it.

I had to cancel a date with this girl who seemed really awesome, I feel gross saying why but once or twice a year I get a cold sore, I have since I was a little kid.

It just happened to happen today, there is no way I am going to meet a girl the first time with something like that, she will probably think I am a dick for cancelling with short notice but there's really nothing I can do.

Just pure bad luck I guess.

 

[Peaches]

It's a yes or no thing from the very start so don't worry about it. A woman knows immediately after looking at a guy for the first time whether or not they will be having sex.

she does? we do?

 

[Batman55]

You could just be using the wrong site for your personality.

On OkCupid my response rate is really high and I get messaged a lot.

That's because there are more nerdy girls who are really into literature.

Yep, it's OKStupid, that's the one I'm using. The women sometimes reply, but then nothing further. A couple times the conversation will get to 4-5 messages with them, then I ask "email or chat off the site?" and then nothing or, "no thanks."

About literature, that's interesting. I do read sometimes and have read some of the classics, but I haven't bothered to put in more than a few authors or titles in the "book section" because I did not think it would help anything.

If you really think your literature choices are helping you get more responses, perhaps you could name some for me to list there, lol. It's not really lying if I haven't read them is it? It's just an "interest" and there's a lot of wiggle room for interpretation. One could say they like Shakespeare, without having read the old-english plays, right?

How 'bout this, copy and paste a bit of your "book section" or your "classic quotes" and I'll add them into my profile. It would be more fitting for me to add such things, as opposed to pretending I'm someone who loves long-distance running and skiing.

 

[theglasscell]

I am really into Anne Sexton and it seems like a lot of women have approached me based on that.

I usually just have my self summary be an Anne Sexton quote and nothing else.

And list her book of poetry, the Complete Poems of Anne Sexton in my books.

That has seemed to lead to a lot of interactions. It's not hard to get into her stuff, it's like poetry for people who would normally find poetry boring.

Another good one has been Flannery O'Connor.

I've found that being open about how much I like Katy Perry or Ke$ha has worked against me though, I've had people tell me that those were dealbreakers for them.

I never write to the girls who are really into sports or fitness, I keep in shape but it's not a big interest of mine and I can't really get along well with someone who is only into going to the gym or all that.

I would copy and paste some of mine for you but I actually deleted it last week. I had the one date lined up before I deleted but I really needed a break from all that and had to take some time to build my confidence again.

You have to be creative about some things without lying straight out, like my job is basically a janitor but it's also a career as far as I am in an excellent union and my pay increases a lot each year as part of our contract. But most people associate janitor with loser or poor so I write that I am a foreman for a company that does building maintenance. Foreman just sounds better than head janitor.

The stuff about books and film is generally good if you are into girls who are very intellectual or artsy.

For some kinds of girls it's really just all about your body and your pictures, when it comes to that you can't really be that creative, you are who you are.

It's always a crapshoot though.

I wish I'd be able to make that date this yesterday just to see how it would have gone.

Hopefully I'll be able to reschedule for another night.

Instead of saying email or chat off the site, after four messages if it's going well just ask them for an in person date and send them your number.

You might lead with saying, "I don't mean to be forward but maybe you'd like to meet up sometime?"

Everytime I've done that it leads to getting their number at least, sometimes after the date is made they text the day of the date and cancel, but that's just how it is.

I've done that myself several times, and it has never been because I didn't want to meet the girl, it's always been because I was feeling out of it that day and felt like it would be a waste of time to meet the girl if I couldn't put my best foot forward.

It's usually good to just propose a coffee date for the first in person meeting.

Anything too elaborate can end up being terrible. Like I took a girl to a Broadway musical once on what was basically a blind date, and it was an amazing show, but we just did not get along so it was a miserable time.

Also, it's a good idea to limit your time on the site. Like sign in Monday, write some messages or respond to messages, then don't sign in again until Wednesday. Some girls seem to judge you a lot by how often you log in or how often it shows you are online.

I do the same, I will notice a girl seems to be on 24/7 and start to wonder if that's all she ever does with her time.

 

[duff]

Hey guys, havent posted here in a while but I've still been lurking and reading. So about a month ago I finally bit the bullet and signed up for an online dating site. I figured it was a low risk, high reward. Most girls dont respond to my messages but I dont really get bothered by it too much. I did have some friendly conversations with a few, and even a couple flat out called me attractive/cute which REALLY boosted my confidence.

So the other day, I met up with this one girl I had been messaging. Now, I am only an average looking guy and I know its not good to put girls on a pedestal but man this girl is very attractive, def out of my league. I'm surprised because I didn't let this get to me and I thought the "date" actually went really well. She's really cool. We hung out for like 2 hours and the conversation kept going for the most part. We hugged it out at the end of the night. I texted her a couple hours after our date and we kept some friendly convo going on for a bit. I dont want to seem so needy though so I wont contact her for a couple of days.

Here's the tricky part...she's new to town and just moved like 2 weeks ago. So part of her online profile did hint that she was trying to make new friends in a new city. So what does that mean for me lol? Is that the only reason that a cute girl like her agreed to go out on a "date" with me? How do I avoid the friendzone (if I'm not already in it)?

So I kinda need some advice. What's the next course of action? Keep in mind that I have never been in a relationship before (loser!) so this is new territory for me. I really dont want to fresia this up! I'm planning to maybe ask her out again next weekend (1 week seems like a good enough distance). But how can I make sure that she knows I'm interested in being more than friends? And how can I tell if she feels the same way? Should I go in for the kiss on the second date? I dont want to quickly mess things up...but again I also dont want her to think we're just friends.

Sorry for the super long post but I'm not sure where else to go. I may be overthinking this but again, I'm new to this dating/relationship stuff. I am excited/nervous about the possibilities.

just do what you feel is right.

If it doesn't work out, move on and learn from the experience.

Good Luck !

 

[Batman55]

I am really into Anne Sexton and it seems like a lot of women have approached me based on that.

I usually just have my self summary be an Anne Sexton quote and nothing else.

And list her book of poetry, the Complete Poems of Anne Sexton in my books.

That has seemed to lead to a lot of interactions. It's not hard to get into her stuff, it's like poetry for people who would normally find poetry boring.

Another good one has been Flannery O'Connor.

I've never read these authors because I find poetry boring and too hard to interpret. It might be lying for me to put that up there. But if it works as "bait" of some kind, maybe it would be worth a try.

You have to be creative about some things without lying straight out, like my job is basically a janitor but it's also a career as far as I am in an excellent union and my pay increases a lot each year as part of our contract. But most people associate janitor with loser or poor so I write that I am a foreman for a company that does building maintenance. Foreman just sounds better than head janitor.

About my current status, I wish I was in a position to be creative, quite frankly the best I can do right now is put "rather not say" in those spaces, and hope they can look past it, or simply ask. But that is not working for me. Yes, I am in a pathetic situation, so I wonder if I just need to forget about the whole dating site thing until I make myself "slightly less pathetic."

Instead of saying email or chat off the site, after four messages if it's going well just ask them for an in person date and send them your number.

You might lead with saying, "I don't mean to be forward but maybe you'd like to meet up sometime?"

I've read this exact advice on other sites, there is no mention of asking for email/chat or whatever, they just say to try and arrange something or ask for her number. It doesn't make much sense to me because it really is forward, and I think you need to know a bit more about someone before you get to that point.

 

[nerdygirl]

... Batman55, if you're seriously the type of person who puts stuff in your profile as, "bait"... there's probably a very good reason people don't want to take things to another level with you. Also, depending on the type of person you're talking to, four to five messages aren't enough to feel comfortable going off of the site.

 

[mintymint]

Try anal.

So they let you post from prison now?

 

[Badjedidude]

So they let you post from prison now?

Well you're in the next cell, so...

 

[Batman55]

... Batman55, if you're seriously the type of person who puts stuff in your profile as, "bait"... there's probably a very good reason people don't want to take things to another level with you. Also, depending on the type of person you're talking to, four to five messages aren't enough to feel comfortable going off of the site.

I'm not really the type of person to do that. But I have considered doing it because I have such a poor response rate, which I believe I have correctly attributed to keeping certain statistics hidden. Using my own logic, I would think status should not be the entire reason girls will not be interested, because there are many there who don't even put in their profile that they want a longterm relationship. There are many profiles there implying that "short-term," whatever that means, is what they're looking for.

But regardless of what these women are looking for, I keep coming back to "status"--if you keep that hidden in your profile, apparently they will not reply to you, they will not show interest. My profile is well written and it is clear that I have at least "adequate education," this is also clear in the messages I write. So what if I don't put status in there? Can't I keep some things private and tell you when you ask?

 

[nerdygirl]

I'm not really the type of person to do that. But I have considered doing it because I have such a poor response rate, which I believe I have correctly attributed to keeping certain statistics hidden. Using my own logic, I would think status should not be the entire reason girls will not be interested, because there are many there who don't even put in their profile that they want a longterm relationship. There are many profiles there implying that "short-term," whatever that means, is what they're looking for.

But regardless of what these women are looking for, I keep coming back to "status"--if you keep that hidden in your profile, apparently they will not reply to you, they will not show interest. My profile is well written and it is clear that I have at least "adequate education," this is also clear in the messages I write. So what if I don't put status in there? Can't I keep some things private and tell you when you ask?

I'm glad you wouldn't actually misrepresent yourself. That's a pretty lousy thing to do. I don't know what to tell you about the "status" issue. I don't really look at that.

---

So they let you post from prison now?

Well you're in the next cell, so...

Oh, dear. Now I'm thinking of the two of you doing all sorts of naughty things together in prison. So flustered!