Needy and Self Centered..(I guess I am)

[LadyDaria]

I actually don't think that I am either. But I suppose what I have is a tremendous need for people to listen to me and talk about things that are happening to me. Or what I find, is that I can't get people to really listen to me... or, if I do, they eventually get sick of listening to me.

This confuses me... because it seems 99% of my day seems to be listening to others about things I do not care about and frankly I can't really understand anyway. Typical conversations include
co worker:
Did I tell you what (co worker I don't know) said?
No,
Well, (co worker I don't know ) said that (co worker that I also don't know) said ,, blah blah blah... ISN"T that FUNNY? And then I slap on the smile and laugh at I don't know what.. and then I start talking and "well I really have to get back to work."

I always feel like I get need like 50% more listening to than I get and that makes me lonely even with a zillion people around.

Also, something that irks me... when I am not out in the world... I get much better at not looking to people to tell my tales. After all there is no need to. But people are always seemingly asking me about myself and so out in the real world I tend to have something happen to me and think, oh got to save that for someone when I need taking points... then I am all in the *got to tell that to someone... mode*... only to have no one to really tell it too... it is the pain of having to have to push it back in that I think makes me feel lonely.

Anyone listening?

 

[EveWasFramed]

I think some people (myself included at times) like to share what's going on with them as a form of communication with others. We listen well and also like being heard. Unfortunately, some people just don't enjoy/like/aren't interested in other people's lives. There's nothing wrong with that - it's just the way some people are.

 

[Groucho]

I actually don't think that I am either. But I suppose what I have is a tremendous need for people to listen to me and talk about things that are happening to me. Or what I find, is that I can't get people to really listen to me... or, if I do, they eventually get sick of listening to me.

Exactly this with me. I think it's a social form of rubber duck debugging, in that instead of telling a rubber duck how or why something works, you tell a person.

The process of telling an actual person allows for the information to be analysed and used in such a way it can make it reveal problems or insights you didn't anticipate. And also the person, if they know something, can comment or observe and usually that can help.

Monologuing, and writing it down, don't have the same impact. The former involves talking that disables any analytical ability (because you're not in fear of someone hearing it so it's memory-to-audio only), and writing it down merely becomes tiresome because no-one will read it and again, analytical ability is switched off because no-one else is involved and thus you don't have to sort it for someone else to understand.


I cannot actually disable my lengthy posts. I do this naturally. All the time. I can talk you to death on a subject I understand. On a subject I don't, I go silent. Trying to write shorter posts results in a compressed language that is difficult to understand.

 

[Grackle]

Listening is a skill and not everyone ( actually very few people) have that skill. Not bragging but I'm an excellent listener mainly because I'm a very quiet person. I have a co worker who said "I like keeping my personal live separate from my work life" when I ask how old her son was ... the son that she talks about EVERY lunch break. The son thats the funniest, cutest, smartest, quirkiest son in the whole wide world. Am I perceived as a threat to her family ?? well then shut the fresia up about your kid. Ok, that was harsh but she has no idea people are sick of hearing about her son, obviously, but there I am every day listening to her yap about something I'm not allowed to show any interest in.

I would never open up to the people I work with and I would have a hard and lengthy time before I felt comfortable with sharing with new friends. But it does increase my loneliness

 

[Senamian]

I hear you loud and clear! I recall always being the one people decided to tell things to... From their (tmi) sex lives, their party lives, their crappy work lives, their family, their pets, their dreams, their ex, their ex's mom, their gossip, their pasts... Most of which I could really REALLY care less about but yet I listen and chime in my thoughts on it. Or if I have no thoughts on it I at least "nod and smile" (unless the convo requires frowning).

But the second I try to talk about anything... Something I heard or saw... Or how I feel.... It's really not worth it when they don't show the usual signs of listening (some you can just tell their minds changed the channel....). Or they interrupt without really listening to you and say something irrelevant or change the conversation.

As you can tell the "needy" is in us. Most (if not all) of us WANT to be heard. No... More like NEED to be heard. As Groucho explained wonderfully, it is the process of telling someone so you can analyse the information.

 

[Nightwing]

Anyone listening?

In theory, nobody is really listening. We're all just waiting for our turn to talk.

I must confess, when I ask people about themselves, sometimes I am genuinely interested to get to know them. Other times, I'm merely making conversation to appear polite. The way I see it, in either instance I'm going to listen to the answer. The needy are those people who will start telling you things about their life without you asking or showing any interest. This doesn't seem to include you LadyD. You sound like you want to be able to talk to those who ask and want to listen.

...I reckon that includes most of this forum. All of your posts so far have been wise and informative, so... you know... people are reading them carefully (I'm paying attention too)

 

[Edward W]

I think we're all a little needy and self centrered to some degree!

I really don't mind listening to other people talk, I'd say on balance I'm more a listener than talker, albeit I sometimes want to say something sure.

 

[WallflowerGirl83]

Trust me you're not alone. There's times where I feel that way too.

And than I wonder if I'm too needy; but I believe everyone gets like this.

Trust me you're not alone. =)

 

[edamame721]

From what I've read, you don't seem needy. You've just ended up with people who like to be heard but who don't like to listen. However, I'd suggest trying not to care as much. If you start noticing percentages, wanting an exact equal exchange, then you're putting too much pressure on yourself and anyone you talk to. I've gotten angry at friends when I felt they weren't making the same efforts I was and that's caused rifts that take a long time to heal.

 

[LadyDaria]

Thanks for the support all.. I feel listened to.

It is easier said than done not to care. I do feel I am a good listener because I am sort of always waiting for them to shut up so I can talk, but I pretty much feel no one really understands that. The only time I really feel lonely is when I want to tell someone something and there is no one to tell it to.

 

[Senamian]

Well if you ever want to tell someone something, tell us! not the same as face to face... But we are here.

 

[LadyDaria]

Well if you ever want to tell someone something, tell us! not the same as face to face... But we are here.

You guys are so nice. Well, here you go. Today I closed on a new townhome. I will be moving Thursday. I am TERRIFIED. First, the payments are kind of double what I am paying now. And I know... I can afford it, but I just don't like it. The payments are so high that if I lost my job I probably wouldn't be able to afford the place. But, the chances of my losing my job do not seem likely, but still. And I kind of feel like the people that were excited for me in doing this are now kind of like no place to be found.

So today I went over to the townhouse and did some moving and I am PLUMB tired. I wish I had some help but no on has offered. I want to show them all my new toy and get them to help me a little bit so I am not completely wasted.. but no... alas.

So then I am MOST concerned about my cat. My cat has only known this little 600 square foot place and I am moving someplace double the size. He is a cryer and I know he is going to cry and be very upset -- everyone says so. In addition to being exhausted I am probably not going to get a ton of sleep. Everyone says silly platitudes like, oh he will get used to it or oh... he will adjust. But most people know the truth.. it will take about 1 week... for him to adjust where he isn't crying all the time and about 1 month for him to really adjust. I still don't know what kind of crazy things he is going to try. This place has vents on the floor one particular vent that sucks in the air and he would just be stupid enough to put his paw down the vent. And if there is something he can hurt himself with or eat or whatever, he WILL find it in the first few days.. so it is like a need a guardian to watch him 24-7.

At this very same time I will be trying to finish the sale of the place I am living now... except... I probably won't be at work to get most of the e-mails. I am kind of a newbie at this, and I don't know who is supposed to prepare what. I *think* the buyer is supposed to prepare everything... and I just show up and collect the check. But so far, I haven't heard a PEEP out of him. I don't want to get an e-mail when I am tired and punchy from my cat and the move saying -oh we need this this and this.

Then I am going though something at work where I may get a new boss who is amazing. But no one seems to know anything and my current boss seems to be actively trying to mess it up and I don't really know how to proceed. Everyday I want to run and tell people what I found out but no one cares.... And I kind of wish someone would talk to me and tell me their plans but they don't... leading to worry and uncertainty. Also, I can't mess up at all until it is decided.

 

[Senamian]

A tip for the cat... Put him in a large bedroom when you more, which keeps him from running, and lets you introduce him to the rest of the space later making it easier on his kitty heart it does help, in my experience. We did it with any cat we had in the family... Though they still always found that one spot to hide, that we never ever ever ever found... and you sure are right! It takes about a week for them to adjust.

Unsure of the buyer/seller process myself. Hopefully it goes smoothly for you!

Also, awesome to have an amazing boss. Hopefully that also goes smoothly.

 

[LadyDaria]

A tip for the cat... Put him in a large bedroom when you more, which keeps him from running, and lets you introduce him to the rest of the space later making it easier on his kitty heart

Yes, I have a guest bedroom with a window and I think that will be his spot. It also has a closet and I am preparing now by putting a towel in the closet along with a box. So he can feel safe... I will also put a box by the window so he can look out if he wants. There is enough room for his litter box and also... food dish to be comfortably apart. But I won't be able to comfort him too much.

When I brought him home as a kitten he was HORRIBLE. Cried all night long the first night. I ended up having to give him my room and my sleeping on the couch because he only felt safe under the bed and if he wasn't under there he cried.

People have told me to use this thing called feliway but my cat doesn't respond to it.

THanks for the place to spew.

 

[Senamian]

Our kitten was supposed to be older... Turned out she was barely 3 weeks old (grrr bad woman!!) and she too cried and cried and cried! little booger still does -sigh- guess we all have to adapt to things like that lol!!

And no problem I like this place because of it. Compared to a lot of forums... This one is most understanding.