user 191117
New member
- Joined
- Jun 9, 2024
- Messages
- 1
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- 3
Hi y'all. I'm sorry this is going to be a long post but i really need to get this all off my chest. I'm 27 years old and I have no friends or social life. I moved to a town where I don't know anyone 9 months ago for a new job, and I haven't met anyone or even really tried to meet anyone since. All I do is go to work, go to the gym a few times a week, sometimes go on hikes by myself, and the rest of the time I just stay in my room. I've never been in a relationship, had sex, or even been kissed. A few years ago I accepted that I'm a lesbian (which I kinda always knew but denied for a very long time) but I'm so ashamed of every aspect of myself that I'm too afraid to try to seek out other gay people and I haven't explored that part of my life at all. I just really hate myself and I find everything I do or say to be so unbearably embarrassing and humiliating that I struggle to do anything at all. I've been lonely my entire life (complicated and strained family dynamics, bullied for my entire childhood and adolescence, etc etc) and I always hoped I would grow out of it some day, that one day I would become a real person.
Instead I'm worse then I've ever been. Even when I try to reconnect with people I considered friends in the past, I feel like a pathetic cringing dog begging for any scrap of attention. I live like a caged zoo animal; I pace around my room at night because I KNOW the life I want is out there but I can't break through the bars of my own isolation. And when I do go outside and try to interact with the world, it's like a wall of glass separates me from real life. Like I'm a ghost that can be seen but not touched. I think I'm missing some fundamental part that humans have that allows them to interact with each other; it feels like in every social interaction I have, we're all actors on a stage and everyone knows their lines except me. So I stay in my room and try to ignore the black hole of self hatred that's hollowing out my insides. I feel so disconnected from real life that I genuinely feel like I'm losing my mind. Even typing this all out, I'm struggling to articulate how dark and desolate and hopeless it all feels.
I want to get better, and I've been in therapy for a few months but it hasn't helped yet. I just want to go home, but I don't really have a home anymore.
Anyways, I'm not sure any of that made sense, but thank you to anyone who's read this far.
Instead I'm worse then I've ever been. Even when I try to reconnect with people I considered friends in the past, I feel like a pathetic cringing dog begging for any scrap of attention. I live like a caged zoo animal; I pace around my room at night because I KNOW the life I want is out there but I can't break through the bars of my own isolation. And when I do go outside and try to interact with the world, it's like a wall of glass separates me from real life. Like I'm a ghost that can be seen but not touched. I think I'm missing some fundamental part that humans have that allows them to interact with each other; it feels like in every social interaction I have, we're all actors on a stage and everyone knows their lines except me. So I stay in my room and try to ignore the black hole of self hatred that's hollowing out my insides. I feel so disconnected from real life that I genuinely feel like I'm losing my mind. Even typing this all out, I'm struggling to articulate how dark and desolate and hopeless it all feels.
I want to get better, and I've been in therapy for a few months but it hasn't helped yet. I just want to go home, but I don't really have a home anymore.
Anyways, I'm not sure any of that made sense, but thank you to anyone who's read this far.