No friends or not so good ones?

[itsmylife]

Not sure which is better!

Recently a friend from my past has come back. For years we were close. She just seemed to have two sides to her. On one side she was fun, caring and a good friend. On the other side she used people, argued and lied even to me, despite the fact she knew I knew she was lying! After many years it got to a point where I was the one doing most of the work keeping us going. She only seemed to contact me when she wanted or needed something and the rest of the time I would need to be the one to go to her. She messed me around quite a bit and I found myself being let down a little too often. She then had to move away, unfortunately at a bad time for me. I tried to keep up the contact but it started to get too hard when I kept getting knocked back. Eventually I had enough of her messing me around and managed to walk away. We spent a while where we didn’t talk at all. Now she’s recently come back here and wants to meet up. I now have to decide if it’s worth starting all that back up in the hope of getting a friend back, the good and bad sides, or if I’m better off keeping away and staying lonely.
Got to love decisions!

 

[ExtensivexLDL]

I now have to decide if it’s worth starting all that back up in the hope of getting a friend back, the good and bad sides, or if I’m better off keeping away and staying lonely.
Got to love decisions!

I say give her another chance, there's no point in staying lonely. Who'd want that anyway? Loneliness is an inhospitable, unfavourable condition by its definition, (as a contrast to 'solitude' for example).

Unless the people you associate pose some kind of physical threat to your well-being or an otherwise unbearing mental one, it's better to have people in your life you're not particularly thrilled with than to have no one at all. My two cents.

 

[jasmin]

Give her chance but this time be upfront with her, and tell her treating you like that is not ok. The worst part of being lonely is that you befriend people who aren't worth of your time. But you're worth more than that, and if you put effort in to a relationship, a good friend should match it. Let us know how it works of for you.

 

[Bluey]

No friends or not so good ones?

I have asked myself this many many times be for.

Mostly I end up doing the same as you. I take so much then I have enough and walk away.

I don't know what I would do here though. Only you can know that. Maybe give her another chance? How bad was it the last time is I think what you have to ask yourself and has she changed?

 

[itsmylife]

Hey, thanks all of you for your responses. I have given her chances before and unfortunately she's thrown them back. However there's always time for a change!
Any contact we have now is going to be complicated because of what she's done before and because of all the things I need to say to her that I never said! But I think I'm going to keep it going for a bit just to see. I'm just going to try to not be the one to contact her all the time and let her come to me. If it starts looking like we're going down the same road I'll know what I need to do.
Although that is way easier said than done lol.
Thanks again guys, appreciate your help.

 

[SimizAkri]

I don't know if I agree with the responses.
I have been in this situation myself, for about a year and a half.
I have given more chances then I thought possible but they never really changed anything.
Sometimes giving person a second chance really helps a relationship but if the person needs multiple chances, then isn't that an indication that nothing's changing?
If she really appreciated you, then would this whole problem even exist?

On and off friendships/ relationships don't usually end for the best.
I believe it's better to walk away, even if it does get lonely.
But think of it this way: When you're involved in a friendship that takes up your time, attention, thoughts, etc., then you're never really seeing the world for what it is. If you walk away, and realize that you're worth so much more, that curtain that has been obstructing your view will be pushed aside, and you'll finally be able to grasp opportunities you never really had before.

It's not easy to find a good friend but it's definitely worth the try.

 

[itsmylife]

Hey SimizAkri thanks for your message. I didn’t notice the thread had been added to so sorry it’s taken me so long to reply.

Sometimes giving person a second chance really helps a relationship but if the person needs multiple chances, then isn't that an indication that nothing's changing?
If she really appreciated you, then would this whole problem even exist?

I think you may be right about that. You can keep giving out chances but at the end of the day if they keep needing more something isn’t working. She proved that to me. She also proved she has a habit of sucking me back in! I think that looking back not only did I not want to lose the good side of our friendship but I was scared of becoming even lonelier without her that made me hang onto her just in case she changed.

On and off friendships/ relationships don't usually end for the best.
I believe it's better to walk away, even if it does get lonely.
But think of it this way: When you're involved in a friendship that takes up your time, attention, thoughts, etc., then you're never really seeing the world for what it is. If you walk away, and realize that you're worth so much more, that curtain that has been obstructing your view will be pushed aside, and you'll finally be able to grasp opportunities you never really had before.

It's not easy to find a good friend but it's definitely worth the try.

Not sure about that part though. I did manage to walk away from her. But I didn’t find any opportunities to grasp. It did make me see the world without her but it just made me feel more isolated from it.
About the finding a good friend part the trouble is she was a good friend back at the beginning and I keep thinking if she was like that once maybe she can go back to being like that. I guess it's not that simple. I hope you get your situation sorted and that it works out for you!

Thank you for your reply, I appreciate it.

 

[Unacceptance]

Mejor solo que mal acompañado.

 

[luciddisconnect]

If you have no good friends then you'll find yourself crawling back to the not so good ones when you become desperate for some human contact.

If you have any friends that are good, then do away with the not so good ones.

At least that's the way my life has gone. The last person that I really tried to befriend was such a user. Initially seemed like we had a lot in common. She'd be super glad to see me one time and would behave like I was worth less than nothing the next time we'd hang out. I think she killed my tolerance for that sort of person. Last time I saw this girl I realized that not only was all friendship dead on my side, but that I really hated her. Or I hated the way she made me doubt myself, and I hated that she couldn't just be honest enough to say: Sorry, really I'm not into you, even as just a friend. I respect it when someone honestly rejects me. Even though it hurts, it's better than being blown off.

 

[one lonely guy]

I now have to decide if it’s worth starting all that back up in the hope of getting a friend back, the good and bad sides, or if I’m better off keeping away and staying lonely.
Got to love decisions!

Every situation is unique. If it were me, I guess I'd re-start, but keep a bit of distance.
In my case, I've had this happen, but intentionally kept some distance the second time. Therefore, it didn't hurt as much when it crashed the second time. My policy is, unless they were totally abusive the first time around, I'll give people the benefit of the doubt on a second chance.
good luck

olg

 

[itsmylife]

Or I hated the way she made me doubt myself

Good point. Things changed without me noticing and it wasn’t until I was too involved that I realized that the way she made me feel wasn’t good enough. At this point though I didn't really have anyone else. It didn't help that she made me lose another friend, she split up with a guy she was seeing who I was friends with. She treated him badly and as a result he walked away from both of us. There's a whole lot more to it but I don't want to keep bringing this thread back too many times! Trouble is whilst I’m so angry at her I also miss her loads which makes it difficult to stay away!

Second chances yes. Third, fourth, fifth chances not so good!

Thanks for all your comments.