Possible chance for happiness and I'm about to screw it up...

[futurecatlady]

So I've been out a few times with someone who I think likes me. It's possible--not likely, but possible--that eventually, it may turn into a real relationship. He's smart, funny, easy to talk to (not a trivial thing for me), and amazingly, he's pretty attractive on top of all that. And for a while, I was really interested in him. Until I found out that he was interested in me. Then suddenly, I was repelled.

This seems to happen a lot (and by a lot I mean the very few times anyone's actually been interested in me). I like a guy, pine for a while, realize he likes me back, and suddenly feel repulsion toward him. I tried to ride this one out and give it a chance, but every time we go out I feel less and less excitement and more and more dread. I don't like it when he stands close to me or looks at me or even compliments me. Everything is right on paper, but it just doesn't feel right. I WISH I could enjoy this, I WISH I could just go with it and let it happen, but I can't.

I don't know what's wrong with me. It's hard enough being undesirable to most men; it's even worse being repelled by the select few who can actually stand me. =(

 

[perfanoff]

I can't help but find this post funny. I am sorry

 

[Bob Arctor]

I feel like I've screwed up every opportunity I've had with women I was genuinely interested in by telling them I was genuinely interested in them. I don't think you're alone on this one, it seems like a lot of women just tend to want what they can't have. I'd have to ask, how did you find out for a fact that he was interested? I think your feelings of repulsion would be normal if he was coming on too strong or moving too fast, or maybe just said too much.

On the other hand, if you feel there was nothing wrong with his approach and you have trouble defining exactly what it is about him being interested in you that turns you off, I would hazard a guess that there might be some underlying self esteem issues at work. There's the old cliché that a person can't love another until they love themselves. This is all pure speculation on my part of course, but if what I've said rings true then I don't think there's anything wrong with you, certainly not relative to the whole spectrum of human behaviour. I mean some people have issues which lead them to constantly select the wrong partner. Pretty much everyone has different emotional issues or harmful behaviour to work through, and that stuff is almost never as prevalent as when relationships/intimacy come into play.

EDIT: Just on a side note, it's always the times when I'm not very attracted to the girl, or don't think she's interested in me, hence am not trying very hard or overtly expressing my interest, that I tend to have the most success. So yeah, definitely something to be said for being more aloof.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Self sabatage......

Some material Ive learned from recovery.

As you say...it dosnt FEEL right. Sometimes it's not always best to react/over react to our feelings.
As you also stated....it's a pattern. Perhasp you feel fear. Fear of getting hurt. So you
sabatage or push other people away first to protect yourself.
As unproductive or unhealthy it might be...it's comfortiable and familar to you.
You had probalby read plenty about breaking out of your COMFORTZONE.

As we try to break through our comfortzone we'll revert back to our old behaviors
from time to time.

it was also benificial to me to identify my fears and see fears in a different light.
FeARS are just another feeling. Everyone have fears.
Fear helps us....
There are 2 types of fears....
1 that will get you off of your ass.
The other will stop you in your tracks....

You might be reacting to the one that's stopping you in your track....

There's different ways to overcome these feelings....
Embrace it....welcome it.
Dive into it...sometimes feelings are like clouds....they lack substance.
You'll simply go through it like flying through a cloud.

Other technique is to simply LET GO of the FEELING...dont figure it out.

Another way is to tell yourself....
I love myself fulley and completely as I am even if i feel this way.
( the sieze fighting yourself methode)
You might also try you tubbing TAPPING to release your negative emotions.
It's the same principle....

Sometimes we miss identify our feelings...
Ahdreline as fears.
An example of this is from one of the women on the USA gymnastic team this year.
She had ahdreline pumping through her system as she was competing for the goal meddle.
It felt like fear to some people becuase the feelings are very intense.
Even if it was fear to her...she idenified it as the one that's getting off of your ass.

K, sometimes men are like dogs and rattle snakes.
Dont freakout....a dog can be trainned. Pussycats eat snakes.lol

 

[Stars]

What the heck?!?!!?!

I'm thinking it could be one of the following or some other reason that isn't listed here:
- You are scared of getting hurt and running away before it happens
- You have low-self esteem and feel anyone is a weirdo if they want you
- You simply like to chase badboys that don't want you

What the heck indeed!!!!!!!

Ask yourself...are you really repulsed by him? Or simply are you scared?
I don't understand because I've never been in your situation and it sounds absurd to me.

I suggest you don't run away from him or anything...work on your own issues...I think there's something deeper. Here is a nice guy that appreciates you and wants you...that's all really anyone asks for and it's so hard to even feel that mutually.

 

[putter65]

What the heck?!?!!?!

I'm thinking it could be one of the following or some other reason that isn't listed here:
- You are scared of getting hurt and running away before it happens
- You have low-self esteem and feel anyone is a weirdo if they want you
- You simply like to chase badboys that don't want you

What the heck indeed!!!!!!!

Ask yourself...are you really repulsed by him? Or simply are you scared?
I don't understand because I've never been in your situation and it sounds absurd to me.

I suggest you don't run away from him or anything...work on your own issues...I think there's something deeper. Here is a nice guy that appreciates you and wants you...that's all really anyone asks for and it's so hard to even feel that mutually.

yes it does seem odd. He won't put up with it for long !

 

[AFrozenSoul]

Maybe it is that thing... a mental thing or something. You know you believe you are repulsive and when someone disagrees with you you cannot stand it? I do not know the exact name...

 

[Lonesome Crow]

It's repulsion towards him/them....as i read it.
Not from him/them.

fear for taking things to the next level. Everyone have their own next level.

The way the human mind works or our concious mind works is to try to keep things the same
as our mind adapt to certain conditions. This way the mind can operate at it's maxium.
(wheather it's healthy, unproductive or not). Hence the term comfortzone, auto pilot or SAFE.

As a person makes changes. it takes the mind time to readapt and gose through another learning curve.
If a person was critisized, selfcritical or punished as a child for making mistake such as spilling milk. (conditioned)
Hence procatinations, putting things off, pushing things aside....ect
If you dont do honeysuckle...you wont make a mistake or fresia up (SAFE). The so call perfectionist.

People make mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes. We all learned from our mistakes as we learn and adapt/adjust. its healthy.

 

[putter65]

It's repulsion towards him/them....as i read it.
Not from him/them.

fear for taking things to the next level. Everyone have their own next level.

The way the human mind works or our concious mind works is to try to keep things the same
as our mind adapt to certain conditions. This way the mind can operate at it's maxium.
(wheather it's healthy, unproductive or not). Hence the term comfortzone, auto pilot or SAFE.

As a person makes changes. it takes the mind time to readapt and gose through another learning curve.
If a person was critisized, selfcritical or punished as a child for making mistake such as spilling milk. (conditioned)
Hence procatinations, putting things off, pushing things aside....ect
If you dont do honeysuckle...you wont make a mistake or fresia up (SAFE). The so call perfectionist.

People make mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes. We all learned from our mistakes as we learn and adapt/adjust. its healthy.

I think if I met somebody who I really liked and they were interested in me, I would be a bit insecure, forever wondering and questioning whether they still liked me. But I don't think that would last for long.

I am guessing because I have never been a serious relationship.

They wouldn't repluse me though and I wouldn't try and sabatage it.

 

[Trent]

that can be a symptom of borderline personality disorder

it amounts to having such a horrible vision of yourself, that when someone likes you, you start to feel that they are pathetic and inferior, because how could ANYONE like you

very self-destructive

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I grew up from a dysfunctional enviorment. Experinced all kinds of odd or unhealthy behaviors.

Ive self sabatage and push people away from me plenty.
For me there wasnt one particular reason or triggers.
Sometimes Im fulley awear of my selfdestructive behaviors.
Other times it's subconsious. The pattern takes time to develope.
I dont believe I have a personally disorder.

Ive also been in recovery for a long time. I learned many copping skills.
Knowing what I know and still making decisions to engauge in unhealthy behaviors
or activities....It's more like an escape. A mental or emotional shut down....
It's still a self persivation or my brain will shut if Im overwhelm. ( self guard)
Kind of like living a double life...gambling addictions...sex addictions...ect

My methode of self sabataging are only the symtoms or the effects
of my deeper inner problems...
The cuase are my messed up beliefs...such as believing Im not good enough, guilt, shame...ect


The people I love and family members also engauge in very self destructive behaviors.
Some are more self destructive than I am
Recovery is possible. Change is possible. Healing is possible. Lots and lots of love and understanding.

 

[musicstoodstill]

that can be a symptom of borderline personality disorder

it amounts to having such a horrible vision of yourself, that when someone likes you, you start to feel that they are pathetic and inferior, because how could ANYONE like you

very self-destructive

Please use caution before you begin to toss diagnostic labels without foundation, knowledge or clinical expertise. *While she invited responses to better help her understand why she is experiencing what she is experiencing and it is fine to offer guesses, i think it is only responsible, not to mention sensitive, to refrain from a layman's misapplication of diagnostic disorders. That can be not only cruel and confusing but harmful to the recipient.

*having re-read this, she actually didn't invite any responses. She was simply posting her experiences.

---

FutureCatLady,

I hope it gets better for you and you find someone who will help you know that you are love worthy. You deserve that.

 

[Trent]

that can be a symptom of borderline personality disorder

it amounts to having such a horrible vision of yourself, that when someone likes you, you start to feel that they are pathetic and inferior, because how could ANYONE like you

very self-destructive

Please use caution before you begin to toss diagnostic labels without foundation, knowledge or clinical expertise. *While she invited responses to better help her understand why she is experiencing what she is experiencing and it is fine to offer guesses, i think it is only responsible, not to mention sensitive, to refrain from a layman's misapplication of diagnostic disorders. That can be not only cruel and confusing but harmful to the recipient.

*having re-read this, she actually didn't invite any responses. She was simply posting her experiences.

---

FutureCatLady,

I hope it gets better for you and you find someone who will help you know that you are love worthy. You deserve that.

---

i said "can be a symptom of"

which is true

notice i didn't say "was" or "is" a symptom of "in your particular case"

beyond that, i'm not concerned with your analysis of my contributions

also, by virtue of that fact that she posted this in a "discussion forum", she did indeed invite responses.

there is a diary section that is for venting without response.

please save your misapplications of common sense for others.



here: http://lmgtfy.com/?q=discussion+forum

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Throughtout my recovery I had to be given salutions. (positive and healthy salutions).
I also had to find salutions that would work for me.

In order to used the various medthode of salutions that's avaliable to me....
I had to get to know myself. Not to condenm, judge or critisize myself.
Get honest with myself....Self acceptence.

Healing takes time and also effort on my part.
I didnt get that way overnight...Im not going to change overnight.
Progress...not perfections.
If the cuase is my messed up beliefs. The salutions would be to change my beliefs.
Change my thinking change my life.

So how do I go about changing my old ideas and unworkable beliefs????
Positive self talk. Surround myself with postive people.
Ignore or aviod negative people, place and things.

As corney as it may be....
I think i can...I think I can...I think I can...I know I can...I know I can I know I can.

My self worth or self esteme are what I think/see of myself and how i FEEL about myself.

 

[Sci-Fi]

Please use caution before you begin to toss diagnostic labels without foundation, knowledge or clinical expertise. *While she invited responses to better help her understand why she is experiencing what she is experiencing and it is fine to offer guesses, i think it is only responsible, not to mention sensitive, to refrain from a layman's misapplication of diagnostic disorders. That can be not only cruel and confusing but harmful to the recipient.

This is actually something for a moderator to say if needed. If you see something that may need taken care of use the report button or PM a moderator, and the staff will evaluate the post(s) in question and render a decision.

Thanks.

 

[futurecatlady]

that can be a symptom of borderline personality disorder

it amounts to having such a horrible vision of yourself, that when someone likes you, you start to feel that they are pathetic and inferior, because how could ANYONE like you

very self-destructive

While Borderline Personality Disorder might err on the side of extreme, it certainly is true that I seem to think less of people who think highly of me, and part of that is just disbelief. Like, there MUST be something wrong with them if they think they can't do better than me.

To those valiantly defending my honor, thanks. But I was indeed inviting responses, even critical ones! I really just wanted to get different perspectives on the situation so I can be more objective and maybe pry myself open to the possibilities.

Anyway, here is how it currently stands: I think my initial repulsion was just something like a panic attack. I was confused in an unfamiliar situation so my defenses shot up. It seems to have subsided, and I find myself wanting to be closer to him again. We'll see if that is still the case when I actually see him next, though. :X

 

[Trent]

that can be a symptom of borderline personality disorder

it amounts to having such a horrible vision of yourself, that when someone likes you, you start to feel that they are pathetic and inferior, because how could ANYONE like you

very self-destructive

While Borderline Personality Disorder might err on the side of extreme, it certainly is true that I seem to think less of people who think highly of me, and part of that is just disbelief. Like, there MUST be something wrong with them if they think they can't do better than me.

To those valiantly defending my honor, thanks. But I was indeed inviting responses, even critical ones! I really just wanted to get different perspectives on the situation so I can be more objective and maybe pry myself open to the possibilities.

Anyway, here is how it currently stands: I think my initial repulsion was just something like a panic attack. I was confused in an unfamiliar situation so my defenses shot up. It seems to have subsided, and I find myself wanting to be closer to him again. We'll see if that is still the case when I actually see him next, though. :X

good luck to you.

in my opinion, you are going to need to take steps to actively change your perception of things. that notion you have that people are lesser in value if they like/love you is not a minor thing. nor do i think it is something that you can just avoid/ignore or try to "work around". you would be well-advised to do some reading, employ some techniques focused at actually changing this perception, or even seek counseling in combination with those efforts.

in my experience, such powerful and deeply-help beliefs tend to be stronger than we think they are as we have fed and nurtured them silently for years.

you are 51% of the way there though, because you REALIZE you have an issue. so the question is what are you going to do about it? are you going to play nice or are you going to destroy that issue with extreme prejudice??!!