Problems with the opposite sex.

[Willowtree]

Hello, I am new here. I have loads of problems with relationships. I am 31 and female. I just can't fall in love and have a couple relationship like the majority of people do (I always feel embarassed when people notice it and I hate it when they say "Why don't you find yourself a man?"). I am even pretty aware of what my problems are, but haven't found a way to change them yet. I have always been attracted by men who didn't feel the same way for me so I have always suffered for unrequited love. I have never been able to feel love for anybody with whom I've tried to be in a relationship. I had 2 boyfriends when I was a teenager but I didn't enjoy being with them (I forced myself to be more than one year with one of them, I forced myself to love him but I didn't succeed). When I think of them I feel like vomiting, I feel a deep disgust, but I can't tell exactly why, they weren't so bad to me. Then I had another one at 21, but I also didn't feel anything. Then I had some meaningless sex stories (which I didn't even enjoy, I just tried them to feel like I also had a sex life so I was normal, and to show it to others for the same reason).

My problem is connected with my low self-esteem: I don't like myself nor do I like anything that is mine, and the cursed trick that happens to me is that as soon as someone I fancy becomes my boyfriend I don't like him anymore! He starts to belong to my sphere and so I sink him instantly down where my self-esteem is. I start to judge him as silly useless crap as all my things are. No matter who he is. He could be the greatest guy on earth, but I don't like him anymore as soon as he likes me. I really don't know what to do with this honeysuckle. I am deeply unhappy. I am also tired of loving people who don't love me back. Too tiring and frustrating (the last deep feeling I had for someone it was 2 years ago for a guy with schizoid personality disorder, and of course it ended up badly). But I am not able to love people who could have affection for me either. So I just can't love anybody now and it's horrible. I have only felt happy in my life when I felt love inside (though at the same time I suffered because it wasn't reciprocated). Like this everything seems grey, flat and meaningless.

 

[Anten]

I was going to bust in this thread saying who doesn't have problems with women, it like having Oreos with no creme.

In response to your post i will first like to say, Willowtree I don't dislike women and that line above was a joke. Now back you your post. I too fall for the girls who don't like me or have a boyfriend(they really do) and it can be really frustrating. I don't know crap about love so i can't help you there but you can't really force feelings upon yourself because you really know deep down where you stand with that person. I don't really know what to say about your last part. You want someone to love you but they can't because you toss them out like garbage once they become your boyfriend. Basically no one can love you because you won't let them.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I definitely fall for a lot of girls who don't feel anything for me. I can relate to this.

It is hard for both genders, in different ways.

 

[kamya]

Tired of people who love you and tired of people who don't.

You might want to get checked out for depression and other kinds of mental illness.

 

[Willowtree]

Tired of people who love you and tired of people who don't.

You might want to get checked out for depression and other kinds of mental illness.

I am already "checked" out. I have been on a therapy for a long time and I don't have depression, I have avoidant personality disorder.

 

[kamya]

Oh That most likely has something to do with it. I'm sorry I'm not much help for this kind of problem. I hope some others here know what you are going through.

 

[ShybutHi]

I think I too have "Avoidant personality disorder" I have not been diagnosed but I have basically all the symptoms.

In regards to your post I dont really understand why you say "you just cant fall in love" as if it is something you can choose. Is that not usually something which is uncontrollable to the individual?

Certainly sound's like you are jumping to relationships for the sake of a relationship. I know all too well what it is like to desire being close to someone but personally I never just go for anyone. I only go for someone if there is a proper connection there. Problem is this happens very rarely and when it does my mind goes totally bonkers, although never to any end because they are always the type that would most likely not like me back or are already taken.

It could be different for women generally when it comes to this... They can get into relationship's easier in my opinion because I think men are less picky about who they would have as a partner. I find it incredibly hard to start a relationship, practically impossible, women are simply not interested in me. I think I could safely say I am a sensitive and romantic person with a desire to be with someone but it just isnt going to happen.


I dont understand why you would try and "sink someone down to your level" as it were. Why, even with avoidant personality disorder, would you ever start treating another person badly.

Anyway alot of what you say about loving someone and them not loving you back etc is normal for anyone and everyone. Sound's to me like you want a relationship not really so much to find love or because of a great admiration for the person, but more to feel socially accepted or something. I do not think you should do that because it will only end up in hurt. Atleast just try and naturally get to know someone and if there is a connection there, if you actually like the person (and not just oh this guy is ok he could make a decent boyfriend) I mean if you properly get on well with the person, share interests etc, then perhaps start something.

 

[Willowtree]

"Certainly sound's like you are jumping to relationships for the sake of a relationship. I know all too well what it is like to desire being close to someone but personally I never just go for anyone. I only go for someone if there is a proper connection there."

ergh.. I have been single 10 years, so I wouldn't exactly say that I jump to relationships..


"I dont understand why you would try and "sink someone down to your level""

that happens automatically, in my mind, I don't do it consciously, and I never treat anybody badly.


"if you actually like the person (and not just oh this guy is ok he could make a decent boyfriend) I mean if you properly get on well with the person, share interests etc, then perhaps start something."

I haven't felt anything for anybody for a long time. And even though I might have things in common with someone and so on, it seems that I can't like them if they want me. I mean: I do like them as a person, etc., but I have NO sexual attraction. So they can be no more than friends for me.

Maybe I haven't been able to explain well what happens to me, maybe due to english not being my first language.

 

[paulo]

you dont like your self, for some reason you think youre not good enough.
so anyone that does like or love you is either wrong, stupid or a lier.
you cant really fall in love with one of those now can you.
so all thats left are people that dont wanne be with you.
loving them is pretty pointless.
but theyre smart and wonderfull enough to see you for who you are.
(who you think you are, how you see yourself).
how can you not love someone that awesome.
but if they did change their minds and love you back,youd feel they had to be stupid or lying again.
and you cant love someone like that.

youre traped is your own little circle.
the onely way out is, start liking yourself.

or maybe not
just thinking outloud.

 

[blurst of times]

Hi Willowtree,

I've been there before. I don't know if I have avoidant personality disorder, but I do know for a fact that I subconsciously shut out people who would have been very good to me, usually due to fear of abandonment. It's a very shitty thing to do.

You say your problem is low self esteem and that all your things are crap and that you sink these guys to where your self esteem is. Do you feel like you're not worthy of love? If that's what you believe, then its no shock to me that you send guys packing as soon as they catch feelings for you. No one likes to be proven wrong, even when being proven wrong could be the best thing in the world for you.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

I think your self-esteem is the huge issue here.

As cliched as it sounds, it's hard to feel love or even attraction to others if you feel really down about yourself. It's like trying to walk in one direction while running in the other!

Focus on things you aren't happy with about yourself and try to improve them, perhaps? If there's anything you don't feel good about, just attempt to conceptualise how you can work on it to make it better.

Also, have you had many male friends? Perhaps if you fancy a guy, just become friends with him?

Having a good male friend might just really let you interact with a guy in a healthy manner without having to leap into romance and go into the whole self-esteem spiral. And if you feel like things are working well, you could go ahead and flirt with him and so on ^^

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I agree that it's your self esteem that is stopping you.

And guys can pick up on this. Just like girls don't want a guy with no self esteem, guys don't usually want girls with no self esteem.

And the scary part is, abusive men are drawn to girls with no self esteem, so you definitely need to raise it if you want to get into a healthy relationship. As someone who has had friends and family members who went through that, I know what I'm taking about.

 

[Willowtree]

"youre traped is your own little circle.
the onely way out is, start liking yourself."

I think you are just right.


"You say your problem is low self esteem and that all your things are crap and that you sink these guys to where your self esteem is. Do you feel like you're not worthy of love?"

Somehow I think I feel so. I have been bullied and treated badly when I was a kid and I grew up thinking I was not good enough and couldn't be accepted the way I was. So I have subconsciously always made friends with people who had that kind of rejecting attitude, it was kind of familiar. And I have only been able to connect with men who didn't show affection for me. Now I am really sick of that, but still I can't seem to feel emotionally attached and sexually attracted to men who appreciate me too much. This is something I have discovered during my therapy. I wouldn't have noticed otherwise.

 

[blurst of times]

Somehow I think I feel so. I have been bullied and treated badly when I was a kid and I grew up thinking I was not good enough and couldn't be accepted the way I was. So I have subconsciously always made friends with people who had that kind of rejecting attitude, it was kind of familiar. And I have only been able to connect with men who didn't show affection for me. Now I am really sick of that, but still I can't seem to feel emotionally attached and sexually attracted to men who appreciate me too much. This is something I have discovered during my therapy. I wouldn't have noticed otherwise.

I can relate to that completely, but while I shut people out because I was afraid of rejection, you are actively pursuing rejection because it's familiar to you.

You obviously want to form healthy relationships with better men, but something is holding you back, and I'd bet real money that its fear. The question is: what are you afraid of?

 

[Willowtree]

"You obviously want to form healthy relationships with better men, but something is holding you back, and I'd bet real money that its fear. The question is: what are you afraid of?"

Oh, I don't know if it's fear. I feel immediate anguish when I am in a couple and I am not able anymore to tell if I like my partner. I get overwhelmed by big confusion and I am not able anymore to be spontaneous, I feel like I am forced to act like a girlfriend is supposed to, I am forced to love, I am forced to have sex, everything becomes a duty, I don't feel anything anymore and I feel oppressed by the possibility I might hurt the other.

 

[paulo]

sounds like you have a lot of extra feelings getting in the way of feeling love (or whatever you want to call it) for some one.

if there is already so much going on inside you that needs to be figuered out and put into place anything extra, good or bad just gets in the way.
no mater how much you want to like love or be happy with some one its just more feelings that need to be dealt with.
if you dont have room for that than anything good or bad will just be something you dont have room for and need to be pushed anway.
being in a relationship than wil feel like acting cause you have no room to really feel what youre suppost to feel.