Hello everyone, I really need some suggestions because I again put myself in a difficult situation.
As some of you can recall, I have to deal with a disability which means that I have less time of activity than most people in a day (say, 7 to 8 instead of 12 to 14, and zero on bad days), and I don't have friends who would come visit me to watch a movie or a partner, so my life is pretty miserable.
Now I got this job, that doesn't involve 9 to 5 work and requires only a couple of days a week of presence, but still the contract is for 4 days a week 8 x 4 = 32, and when I go to the office say from 11 to 18 I have to stay in bed the day after, sometimes I am able to work but sometimes I am not, which means 2 days at work, one or two days in bed, plus one or two days work from home, total of 5 to 6 days alone because at work you don't really make close friends, at least in my line of work, hasn't happened in many years and is not going to happen now.
My illness is such that I will never get benefits, unless I get another illness on top of the first which I really hope won't happen, and I don't have a rich family to support me indefinitely without working, but again I am falling into the deepest depression because I am so much alone and without energy to meet anyone.
It is nice to be able, in spite of being so ill, to do things and get jobs and a little recognition and feel like contributing to society, but that is not enough to contrast the depression that rises as soon as I spend many days completely alone (lately I tried to meet people almost every day because the depression was so bad that I was scared something bad would happen).
Now I feel that if I go on with this life either I will get worse depression and one day kill myself even if I don't really want to, either I will just get cancer or something because I am so unhappy.
But, again, a job with people with flexible hours is basically impossible to find, and I must work to live - but is this life?
I would like to know your thoughts about this situation, I know that for many the experience of disability is out of their world, but maybe you have some ideas anyway. I am doing my best to get better and have more energy, but I don't know if that is ever going to happen.
As some of you can recall, I have to deal with a disability which means that I have less time of activity than most people in a day (say, 7 to 8 instead of 12 to 14, and zero on bad days), and I don't have friends who would come visit me to watch a movie or a partner, so my life is pretty miserable.
Now I got this job, that doesn't involve 9 to 5 work and requires only a couple of days a week of presence, but still the contract is for 4 days a week 8 x 4 = 32, and when I go to the office say from 11 to 18 I have to stay in bed the day after, sometimes I am able to work but sometimes I am not, which means 2 days at work, one or two days in bed, plus one or two days work from home, total of 5 to 6 days alone because at work you don't really make close friends, at least in my line of work, hasn't happened in many years and is not going to happen now.
My illness is such that I will never get benefits, unless I get another illness on top of the first which I really hope won't happen, and I don't have a rich family to support me indefinitely without working, but again I am falling into the deepest depression because I am so much alone and without energy to meet anyone.
It is nice to be able, in spite of being so ill, to do things and get jobs and a little recognition and feel like contributing to society, but that is not enough to contrast the depression that rises as soon as I spend many days completely alone (lately I tried to meet people almost every day because the depression was so bad that I was scared something bad would happen).
Now I feel that if I go on with this life either I will get worse depression and one day kill myself even if I don't really want to, either I will just get cancer or something because I am so unhappy.
But, again, a job with people with flexible hours is basically impossible to find, and I must work to live - but is this life?
I would like to know your thoughts about this situation, I know that for many the experience of disability is out of their world, but maybe you have some ideas anyway. I am doing my best to get better and have more energy, but I don't know if that is ever going to happen.