such a coward

[vanderlei]

My mother just called me, and i quote, "a **** coward" because I didn't go to a party i was invited to the other day.

At first, I intended to go, but I spent the whole day at work obsessing about it... worrying out of my mind. When I got home, i was even hyperventilating. I called it off about an hour before I was about to go.

I've never been to a party before. I know i "have" to go some time, and everytime I skip out, it becomes harder and harder. Maybe I'll never pull it off.

I guess i am a coward. 20 years old, and nothing to show for it.

Anyway, moving to my own place in a little over a month. I don't see the social bit getting much better, but who knows. At least I won't have to live here. Sometimes this place is poison.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Your mom just had a different style of motivating ya.
Sometimes you have to learn how to read between the lines..
Her intension is for you to be happy. Even though it seem so adbrasive.

What did you wanted to hear come out of her mouth ?
What would be the right words for you to attend that party?

My mother for the most part is mellow with me...but at times she will say
things to me that would cut like knives...becuase I do fustrated the honeysuckle out of her.

However..after I chilled out a little bit and look at my mother's intension, it's always
have been for my benifits. Sometimes it'll take me a day to figure it out. Sometimes
weeks...

While it's not effective 1/2 of the time becuase i get so angery with her for treating me
like a child..after all I am her child. I'll rebel and not do as she told me or ask me.
In her eyes I will always be her boy no matter how old i am.
For the most part my mother is actaully pretty calm when she's couseling me.

It's was me most of the time that gets caught up into my fears.
Yet at the sametimes..she's telling me in so many different ways to face my fears.
If I want things out of life...I must face my fears.
I get fustrated with myself and with my mother..so i do nothing...bascailly i coward without her
having to tell me..I know I ran away from my fears...
Then i get fustrated for not gettting what i wanted.

Sometimes it's best that I take Que from my sponsor...an outside party to motivate me.
This way the relationship between my mother and I dosn't get damage.

The only draw back is...my mother knows me like the back of her hands...verse
my sponsor will only know what I reveal to him.

I had an incident with the purchase of my truck recently with my mother.
It really, really tick me off that she did what she did...it made me feel like a child.
Never the less..the end result is that my mother got me the best deal for my truck.
My mother for the most part had always looked out for my best interest through out the years.

Last months she was running my ass in circles in the morning and rushing me around.
I wasn't even late for work or any of that..but she wanted me to go do it this way and that way.
I was so piss-off....i didn't go into work and said fresia it all. I stay home becuase I was pissed off.
Then i started to isolate myself and not want to deal with anything. It took me a couple of days
for me to apologize to her.

It took me a while for me to forgive her for abandenting me as a child.
i hated her for it...for a long..long time..Yet sometimes I would also yank at her guilt.

The relationship i have with my mother almost mirrors the relationships I have with all of my GFs.
I seem to pick women that has the same triats as my mother. I create my own reality this way.
There's somethings that I needed to get resolved or sometype of healing...
The women i get involve with, do love me very, very much. At the sametimes very controlling.
At the sametime will leaving me feeling abandent emotionally then physically.

I love my gf very, very much...yet at the sametime..I have the same level of hate for them.
Even Jenni...at times I hated Jenni. Even though what she was telling me was for my best interest.
I hated that.. I just wanted Jenni to be my GF and not my mom...yet it's that understanding type of love
she has for me, as my mother has for me that draws me to her.

 

[Naleena]

It really sucks your mom talked to you like that.

 

[Porman]

a life lived in fear is a life half lived.

 

[Steel]

I'm sorry you didn't go to the party.

Next time, remember that you can just make excuses and leave if you're not having fun. While it's obvious you found it intimidating, social situations are generally a lot more enjoyable once you are there. Make plans to turn up at a party with someone else if you feel insecure about arriving on your own.

 

[SophiaGrace]

Your mom shouldnt have said it that way :/

THat wasnt nice.

You shouldve gone to the party, you mightve had fun! Dont think of it as a possibly negative experiance if you havent even gone! Youre not even giving yourself a chance if you do that. Besides, if you didnt like the party you couldve just left. That's what I do when I dont like social functions...

 

[Spare]

I'm sorry your mother spoke to you that way. It's very disheartening to hear that kind of thing from a parent, even if she was trying to motivate you. There are other ways to do it.

Keep in mind for next time that you were INVITED to that party. That means someone WANTED you to be there. So the next time you are invited to a party, or a social function of any kind, remeber; your presence there is not unatural, but desired.

Good luck!

 

[vanderlei]

thanks a lot for the replies, people!

I've told them I'll join next time, whenever that'll be. I'll do my best to not make up any excuses then, and just do it.

it's just that i worry about _everything_, you probably know a thing or two about that, huh.

Like how do i get there? If i drive, I can't drive home again, because everybody will be drinking, so i guess i "have" to as well. Maybe that's "lighten" me up a bit. Also, i suck, so i have nothing interesting to say... but ...bah. i dont know

 

[Spare]

If i drive, I can't drive home again, because everybody will be drinking, so i guess i "have" to as well. Maybe that's "lighten" me up a bit.

NEVER, NEVER, NEVER let ANYONE tell you that you "have" to drink. You don't HAVE to do anything because society says it is what's expected. Peer pressure is the biggest joke on the planet.

I don't drink. I didn't drink when I was in shcool, either. Some people didn't understand, and I got hassled for a bit right at first, but after a while people stopped caring that i didn't drink. Heck, some people even admired me for it, especially now that I'm an adult in the adult world and still don't drink. It got to the point that if new people started bugging me about not drinking, others would immediately jump in on my behalf. People can be more understanding about this type of thing than you might think.

Besides, if you don't drink, there's more for them, and EVERBODY likes that!

 

[stella]

you're not missing much, parties are boring and uncomfortable

 

[Minus]

That was a bad way for your mother to talk to you but Lonesome Crow could be right in that it may have just been a desperate attempt to motivate you.

As Steel mentions, sometimes the parties become more entertaining after you have been there awhile. If not you can leave after you have made your appearance for awhile.

You don't have to have anything interesting to say. Ask people about themselves. Just learning can be interesting and can often keep a conversation going.

Since you have never been to a party before it may may be a good idea to at least spend some time at one. Maybe it will make the idea less of a monster even though you have no intent of become a party animal.

 

[Nyktimos]

It seems a really harsh way for your mother to have spoken to you. Has she become frustrated by your anxiety? If so, it has caused her to use a very poor method of trying to encourage you. You never have to go to a party. I find them fun for about two hours, and couldn't survive many social occasions without a drink. After that I need to get back to my own thoughts (dodn't ask me why; they only mess me up more). Take your time, and try to go to parties that involve plenty of people you are comfortable with.

Sometimes, we feel we have to 'shine' at parties, and be the life and soul. Very few people are like that, but they make us all feel pressured. You don't have to compete with those people.

 

[Flood]

Your mom probably thought it would be good for you to go and got frustrated with you. Parents can say foolish things though, don't take it to heart.

You ever consider taking like xanax before the party. When anxiety gets that unreasonable maybe that would help. It might be something to get your foot in the door figuratively and literally. That could take the edge off enough, for you to show up say hi, look around and head out. Then maybe next time you won't need it.

 

[Brian]

First off, you don't 'HAVE' to do ANYTHING. Don't ever let anyone make you feel like you have to; giving in to that is what a real coward would do. If you're going to do anything, it should be because -you- want to try it, on -your- terms.

A party now and then is ok; but the party lifestyle is generally for the real losers. A winner does better things with their time, and is then free to rub the success in the faces of people who previously tried to keep him/her down. Or, just let it sink in on it's own. That's even better.

I'd say try the party next time. You might consider a brief visit to a doctor to see about trying one of the drugs for social anxiety (but for the love of god, don't just go buy it off the street; that's called stupid). That could help you overcome that initial hump.

Anyway, it sucks when your parents say honeysuckle like that. I know it hurts. Every now and then my parents will pull the 'When are you going to get a girlfriend' card. Gee, mom, I dunno. Not that I'll bring her around your crazy ass anyway.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Errr..Xanax

Someone i knew took those **** things like freaken candy...Very addictive.

 

[Flood]

Errr..Xanax

Someone i knew took those **** things like freaken candy...Very addictive.

Yeah I was hesitant to recommend any drug, but for emergencies it works for me. It will take me over 4 months to finish bottle of 30. Sometimes I even break a pill in half, and it's only 1 mg.

 

[catwixen]

hmmmm you do not need drugs or alcohol....slippery slope there. Supportive, understanding people is what you need, and understand that sometimes our mothers think very differently to their children. They think they are doing good by being tough, maybe they were brought up that way.
If you get your own place, as you said, and find some good supportive friends, that is a very very good start.