TheSkaFish
Jedi Guardian
Disclaimer:
This is just a rant, basically - I'm not really asking for advice or solutions.
I'm handling this, in the way that I feel is enough.
I just wanted to get it off my chest.
Feel free to ignore if you don't wish to read, it's cool.
Anyway. That guy came around twice last week, trying to twist my arm into hanging out again.
I've mentioned him on here a couple times in the past:
https://www.alonelylife.com/threads/what-are-you-thinking-right-now.2065/page-2520#post-918879
https://www.alonelylife.com/threads/what-are-you-thinking-right-now.2065/page-2884#post-1065830
https://www.alonelylife.com/threads/what-are-you-thinking-right-now.2065/page-2902#post-1070017
I was just thinking he hadn't done that in a while, and that maybe me being assertive and setting boundaries was finally working. But it seems that it was not the case. The first time, I just didn't answer the door. I figured, if he's going to invite himself over without even knowing if I'm home, much less if I can or even want to go out, and I don't answer, then it's not me being rude, it's him being rude for coming over here without asking, and demanding that I go out. The second time, I had no choice but to answer the door. So I was terse with him, and I just told the truth: "What's up, I'm about to leave. I wasn't planning on anyone coming over today. I have to go. Bad timing. I'm sorry." Then I went inside and shut the door, waited until he left, then went back to what I was doing.
That's the thing with him - he invites himself over unannounced, and then expects me to drop whatever I'm doing, change any plans I might already have, just to hang out with him for the rest of the day, or at least enough of it where the day is, for all intents and purposes, shot.
I've told him to stop doing this, multiple times. I've said "you can't just come over randomly like this, I might have stuff to do, or I might not even be home". I've said that I need time to do both day-to-day tasks, and to figure my life out. I need time to myself. Plus if he comes over randomly, even if I'm here, he doesn't even know what I'm doing at the time. I've been interrupted several times like this, like when I'm eating dinner, or even once when I was in the shower.
He also keeps trying to get me to go running with him. This is another thing I don't want to do, because for me, running is a lot like shaving - it's maintenance of the body, something I need to get done. It's not a social call, and not one of my main interests in life - it's a task to check off. I try to just make it a half hour or so, which is what I read is the amount of cardio you need to be healthy. With him, he wants to do all these long runs, sprint workouts, all kinds of things that drag it out for hours. I've tried saying that look, I'm not doing this to be a runner, I'm just doing this to control my weight and get the mental health benefits. I don't have time to make this an all-day event.
There are a couple main issues causing the rift:
One, that what he wants out of life and what I want out of life are not the same. I don't know if he cares about getting a career, but he doesn't seem to care about getting good at something or getting a relationship. But if I don't get what I want out of life because I was too generous with my time and gave it to him instead of giving it to myself to figure out my problems in life, I'm going to be pissed. And he's not going to say he's sorry, wave a magic wand and fix it for me. He'll just say "I guess you missed out", or say it's MY fault that I didn't figure it out. He hasn't said this, but I know this guy enough to know that's how he'd be. Hanging out with him doesn't move me closer to my goals (career, get good at something, romantic relationship). It's just hanging out with him for its own sake, which usually means listening to him ramble for hours. We're not going in the same direction in life, or at least, I don't want to go in that direction - I want to go the opposite way.
Two, he isn't respectful of my time. He expects me to drop what I'm doing and change my plans to hang out with him instead, and thinks he can come over whenever he wants and help himself to as much of my time as he wants. He takes my time for granted, as though it is his to waste. Maybe that one is my fault, because I was nice and accommodating in the past, and I would usually go out, and allowed him to talk, thinking he would wind the conversation down in a reasonable amount of time. But he'd go on and on, and then I would get stuck with the consequences of that as if it were my intention to go out all night when it wasn't. I would say "I have to go home", "I'm tired", and then he'd just keep going on and on, and not wanting to be mean or rude, I just went with it, trying to let the conversation end naturally instead of abruptly ending it. I guess I set a bad precedent. He may or may not even know he's being rude, I'd like to give him the benefit of doubt, but whether he's aware or not, it's still rude, and I've decided enough is enough. And he doesn't just say "OK" and go home, when I say I can't go out. He assumes I'm always available, and when I say I'm not, he tries to twist my arm. I used to let him talk then too, but when that happens now, I just cut him off and go inside, because there is no point in continuing the conversation. He's just going to keep trying to twist my arm, and I'm just going to keep saying I can't go out, and we're just going to waste more time saying the same things we said already. I don't feel guilty about cutting him off and shutting the door on him anymore, because the way I see it, he shouldn't have come over here without asking in the first place, and he shouldn't demand that I drop what I'm doing, change my plans for him, and go out, and he shouldn't take my time and availability for granted either. It's rude and disrespectful, and I'm not going to take it anymore.
Another thing was, he wanted to go out a lot during COVID. I kept saying no, I wasn't comfortable taking the risk. I didn't want to get sick, or bring it home. He kept trying to twist my arm. That, combined with the other stuff, was about when I started realizing that I needed to be assertive with this guy, set boundaries, and put myself first, make myself and what I want out of life a priority over aimless hanging out. I realized that hanging out with this guy wasn't helping me move towards getting what really matters to me in life, and that the older I get with my dreams unrealized, the less generous I can afford to be with my time. And also, I started feeling disrespected with my time and boundaries, that this guy was taking my availability for granted because that's the message I was sending by not being assertive enough before. Either way, he's not thinking of me and my happiness, he's thinking of himself and his boredom. But the thing is, his boredom is not my responsibility - my responsibility is fixing my own life and making it what I want it to be. Sometimes I want to tell this guy, "I don't want to hang out because I want to figure out my life, and I suggest you go home and figure out yours".
I don't really want to get mad and curse this guy out, for a number of reasons. He was/is a part of a friend group I know, and I don't want to create tension, awkwardness, bad blood. Also, while we don't really have a lot of common interests and goals, one of those interests is fandom of a lot of the same bands. So there's that (but that's also kind of a difference, I keep returning to the idea of wanting to learn an instrument for real, not just to fool around - if you're just going to fool around, might as well play video games - while he is content to just be a fan and go on and on about the greats, but that's another story). Finally, I don't actually enjoy cursing people out and picking fights as much as it might seem like I do at times. I really don't want to be that kind of person, especially to someone who isn't really an enemy, even though they are getting on my nerves at times.
As I get older, and I still don't have what I want, I'm trying to put myself first more. Plus I'm just trying to go from having lifelong issues with passivity, to being more assertive. I just get fed up with these unannounced visits, demands of my time, and trying to twist my arm, this disrespect of my time and boundaries whether he is aware of it or not. That's why I refer to this guy as "a horse's ass", because it's the perfect amount of rebuke - it's not quite "I hate you", but much like the literal meaning - when he comes over randomly, he makes himself into an interruption, an obstacle, a problem I have to deal with - like now I have to convince this guy to go home. It's like having a big horse's ass in your way, obnoxiously blocking the road.
I even feel bad for the guy a little bit, like I might be one of the last people he knows around here. But still, that's exactly why I need my time to myself - I have to figure out how to get my life to take off, just like everyone else. And I feel like I have to communicate to this guy that I'm not his babysitter, or his on-call personal entertainer. I'm sorry he's bored, or perhaps even lonely, but I'm not a toy sitting on the shelf waiting to be played with - I'm a person with a life of my own, and I have to prioritize myself and my goals and dreams first. Sometimes I'll be nice and say "OK, I can go for a short walk, but I just have an hour, that's it". I just keep in mind that when it comes to this guy, I have to set clear and firm boundaries, because at the end of the day, if I'm too generous and not careful enough with my time, I'll be the one that pays for it.
Anyway, yeah - just blowing off some steam.
This is just a rant, basically - I'm not really asking for advice or solutions.
I'm handling this, in the way that I feel is enough.
I just wanted to get it off my chest.
Feel free to ignore if you don't wish to read, it's cool.
Anyway. That guy came around twice last week, trying to twist my arm into hanging out again.
I've mentioned him on here a couple times in the past:
https://www.alonelylife.com/threads/what-are-you-thinking-right-now.2065/page-2520#post-918879
https://www.alonelylife.com/threads/what-are-you-thinking-right-now.2065/page-2884#post-1065830
https://www.alonelylife.com/threads/what-are-you-thinking-right-now.2065/page-2902#post-1070017
I was just thinking he hadn't done that in a while, and that maybe me being assertive and setting boundaries was finally working. But it seems that it was not the case. The first time, I just didn't answer the door. I figured, if he's going to invite himself over without even knowing if I'm home, much less if I can or even want to go out, and I don't answer, then it's not me being rude, it's him being rude for coming over here without asking, and demanding that I go out. The second time, I had no choice but to answer the door. So I was terse with him, and I just told the truth: "What's up, I'm about to leave. I wasn't planning on anyone coming over today. I have to go. Bad timing. I'm sorry." Then I went inside and shut the door, waited until he left, then went back to what I was doing.
That's the thing with him - he invites himself over unannounced, and then expects me to drop whatever I'm doing, change any plans I might already have, just to hang out with him for the rest of the day, or at least enough of it where the day is, for all intents and purposes, shot.
I've told him to stop doing this, multiple times. I've said "you can't just come over randomly like this, I might have stuff to do, or I might not even be home". I've said that I need time to do both day-to-day tasks, and to figure my life out. I need time to myself. Plus if he comes over randomly, even if I'm here, he doesn't even know what I'm doing at the time. I've been interrupted several times like this, like when I'm eating dinner, or even once when I was in the shower.
He also keeps trying to get me to go running with him. This is another thing I don't want to do, because for me, running is a lot like shaving - it's maintenance of the body, something I need to get done. It's not a social call, and not one of my main interests in life - it's a task to check off. I try to just make it a half hour or so, which is what I read is the amount of cardio you need to be healthy. With him, he wants to do all these long runs, sprint workouts, all kinds of things that drag it out for hours. I've tried saying that look, I'm not doing this to be a runner, I'm just doing this to control my weight and get the mental health benefits. I don't have time to make this an all-day event.
There are a couple main issues causing the rift:
One, that what he wants out of life and what I want out of life are not the same. I don't know if he cares about getting a career, but he doesn't seem to care about getting good at something or getting a relationship. But if I don't get what I want out of life because I was too generous with my time and gave it to him instead of giving it to myself to figure out my problems in life, I'm going to be pissed. And he's not going to say he's sorry, wave a magic wand and fix it for me. He'll just say "I guess you missed out", or say it's MY fault that I didn't figure it out. He hasn't said this, but I know this guy enough to know that's how he'd be. Hanging out with him doesn't move me closer to my goals (career, get good at something, romantic relationship). It's just hanging out with him for its own sake, which usually means listening to him ramble for hours. We're not going in the same direction in life, or at least, I don't want to go in that direction - I want to go the opposite way.
Two, he isn't respectful of my time. He expects me to drop what I'm doing and change my plans to hang out with him instead, and thinks he can come over whenever he wants and help himself to as much of my time as he wants. He takes my time for granted, as though it is his to waste. Maybe that one is my fault, because I was nice and accommodating in the past, and I would usually go out, and allowed him to talk, thinking he would wind the conversation down in a reasonable amount of time. But he'd go on and on, and then I would get stuck with the consequences of that as if it were my intention to go out all night when it wasn't. I would say "I have to go home", "I'm tired", and then he'd just keep going on and on, and not wanting to be mean or rude, I just went with it, trying to let the conversation end naturally instead of abruptly ending it. I guess I set a bad precedent. He may or may not even know he's being rude, I'd like to give him the benefit of doubt, but whether he's aware or not, it's still rude, and I've decided enough is enough. And he doesn't just say "OK" and go home, when I say I can't go out. He assumes I'm always available, and when I say I'm not, he tries to twist my arm. I used to let him talk then too, but when that happens now, I just cut him off and go inside, because there is no point in continuing the conversation. He's just going to keep trying to twist my arm, and I'm just going to keep saying I can't go out, and we're just going to waste more time saying the same things we said already. I don't feel guilty about cutting him off and shutting the door on him anymore, because the way I see it, he shouldn't have come over here without asking in the first place, and he shouldn't demand that I drop what I'm doing, change my plans for him, and go out, and he shouldn't take my time and availability for granted either. It's rude and disrespectful, and I'm not going to take it anymore.
Another thing was, he wanted to go out a lot during COVID. I kept saying no, I wasn't comfortable taking the risk. I didn't want to get sick, or bring it home. He kept trying to twist my arm. That, combined with the other stuff, was about when I started realizing that I needed to be assertive with this guy, set boundaries, and put myself first, make myself and what I want out of life a priority over aimless hanging out. I realized that hanging out with this guy wasn't helping me move towards getting what really matters to me in life, and that the older I get with my dreams unrealized, the less generous I can afford to be with my time. And also, I started feeling disrespected with my time and boundaries, that this guy was taking my availability for granted because that's the message I was sending by not being assertive enough before. Either way, he's not thinking of me and my happiness, he's thinking of himself and his boredom. But the thing is, his boredom is not my responsibility - my responsibility is fixing my own life and making it what I want it to be. Sometimes I want to tell this guy, "I don't want to hang out because I want to figure out my life, and I suggest you go home and figure out yours".
I don't really want to get mad and curse this guy out, for a number of reasons. He was/is a part of a friend group I know, and I don't want to create tension, awkwardness, bad blood. Also, while we don't really have a lot of common interests and goals, one of those interests is fandom of a lot of the same bands. So there's that (but that's also kind of a difference, I keep returning to the idea of wanting to learn an instrument for real, not just to fool around - if you're just going to fool around, might as well play video games - while he is content to just be a fan and go on and on about the greats, but that's another story). Finally, I don't actually enjoy cursing people out and picking fights as much as it might seem like I do at times. I really don't want to be that kind of person, especially to someone who isn't really an enemy, even though they are getting on my nerves at times.
As I get older, and I still don't have what I want, I'm trying to put myself first more. Plus I'm just trying to go from having lifelong issues with passivity, to being more assertive. I just get fed up with these unannounced visits, demands of my time, and trying to twist my arm, this disrespect of my time and boundaries whether he is aware of it or not. That's why I refer to this guy as "a horse's ass", because it's the perfect amount of rebuke - it's not quite "I hate you", but much like the literal meaning - when he comes over randomly, he makes himself into an interruption, an obstacle, a problem I have to deal with - like now I have to convince this guy to go home. It's like having a big horse's ass in your way, obnoxiously blocking the road.
I even feel bad for the guy a little bit, like I might be one of the last people he knows around here. But still, that's exactly why I need my time to myself - I have to figure out how to get my life to take off, just like everyone else. And I feel like I have to communicate to this guy that I'm not his babysitter, or his on-call personal entertainer. I'm sorry he's bored, or perhaps even lonely, but I'm not a toy sitting on the shelf waiting to be played with - I'm a person with a life of my own, and I have to prioritize myself and my goals and dreams first. Sometimes I'll be nice and say "OK, I can go for a short walk, but I just have an hour, that's it". I just keep in mind that when it comes to this guy, I have to set clear and firm boundaries, because at the end of the day, if I'm too generous and not careful enough with my time, I'll be the one that pays for it.
Anyway, yeah - just blowing off some steam.
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