The Trail

[Arianna]

I stood a spirit of the deer
out in the open meadow
ears twitching
brown eyes clear and watchful

you appeared
at first
the quiet brave
trapped in a mission
to hunt
my spirit

using neither bow nor arrow
steady fingers
rumbling againt your keys
beyond the maize

you drew closer
within a hairs breath
only as I let you
and perceived a revelation
that somehow you had found me

that you know me..

who I am...

what I am...

but you are wrong..

you mistrust
with a great lack of courage
you hunting brave of no
consequence
more a scornful child

in your error
to perceive who I am
your trail has grown cold
as I
spirit of the deer
kick jump beyond your reach

laughing softly
as I go
knowing had you
humility to extend your hand
and not a secret fist
you would have caught me
ever so gently

as I
would freely offer
the truth you seek

as your heart is..
your trail has grown cold

 

[lonewolf]

Beautifly written Arianna, an inspiration to us all

 

[IgnoredOne]

The imagery is *very* nice - there's a great sense of suspense where the meaning is unclear, and then becomes gradually revealed. I can't rate on technique as it seems to be free verse. I tried to see if there was any organization to the sounds, but beyond the potentially interesting jutaxposition of starting with "I" and "you" in the first two paragraphs, it didn't return to that pattern.

This part was strong, serving as the crisis moment before the climax of the narrative:

"that you know me..

who I am...

what I am...

but you are wrong.."

It feels like it could be stronger, however. The two harmonious sounds in the middle lack the third component, striking a dissonant chord. This could be intentional, but the rule of three usually strengthens the emotive effect. For the most part, I've only seen the rule of three intentionally broken for horror or suspense stories so far.

The first four lines were very strong as well. The alliteration of sounds tied to key visual points is understated, but subtly present, with deer,meadow, ears and eyes. Very effective.

All in all, though, its a pretty strong entry. The imagery really is the winner, and the overall flow is very sound.

Regards,
IO

 

[evanescencefan91]

I agree the writing is very unique and intriguing.


the transitions between the lines were very smooth, it gave a calm but strong mood.
The insght of a deers point of veiw approching a stranger felt very deep.

Many Kudos