Ok, I’ve been lurking this forum for some time now not really posting but doing a lot of reading. I’ve come to a few conclusions. Some of these may be a bit harsh I should warn you, but everything I’m saying has a full intent of helping someone not belittling them in any way.
I’m seeing a lot of normal looking / sounding people on these forums constantly talking about their fear of people and social situations. I’m also seeing a lot of prep talk and cheering up, which is great for every now and then, and I’m thankful that a place exists where people are so considerate of one another, but in the long run, it doesn’t really help anyone here start to experience life without depression.
If you experienced something tragic or if your illness ranges beyond just being lonely or a “social dunce,” then I’m sorry, I don’t have all the answers.
I have no idea where to begin my rant, so I’ll just pick random points. There’s a lot of brute honesty flying in this post, some of you might get angry at me for it.
Ok, after reading so many of these threads and posts, one of everyone’s biggest problem is just socializing and making friends in general. Well, if you all think you’re so bad at it, let’s take a step back and think why. Look at all these threads and all these posts inside them that just stink with negativity and people feeling sorry for themselves. Please, grow some backbone and toughen up. A person constantly analyzing how pathetic they think they are is not someone anyone WANTS to spend time around. Sympathy does not lead to friends. Think about it: who would you want to spend your day with? Someone who’s talking about how sad and lonely they feel or someone FUN TO BE AROUND? All these constant “nobody cares about some pathetic loser like me” posts in threads like “What’s the sweetest thing someone has ever said to you?” are not doing you or anyone else any good.
Also, a lot of people here seem to be normal people with a lot of intellect, only they spend all their time in their house afraid to go outside. I was forced inside my house one summer after surgery and of course I was the only person in town without a nice summer tan. (and with paleness being a huge stigma for me since I was little) I had to go outside eventually to get ready for the next school year. It’s actually really easy to tell who’s been cooped up inside their own room on looks alone. When I finally got up enough nerve to leave, I felt like EVERYONE I SAW WAS STARING AT ME AND JUDGING ME. It SUCKS, I know. I purposely avoided so many people so they wouldn’t think I was some hermit in old clothes and skin problems. I eventually got through it, though. Not because I wanted to, but because I had to.
To anyone who thinks they’re ugly, let’s talk about this. I’ve seen a lot of photos from the Faces Thread. Being totally straight with everyone, I didn’t see anyone that I considered completely unapproachable in any way, but I did see a LOT of pictures that just generated a sense of creepiness. Then I wondered, what makes someone look like a creep / unapproachable? Well, <b>the things that made some of you guys look creepy were:
pale skin (vitamin D from sunlight gives off a healthy glow on your skin EVEN if you’re still pale)
droopy eyes (looking into someone’s eyes tells you SO MUCH about someone. Half open, uninterested, unalert eyes are so unpleasant to look into)
bad posture (by holding your shoulders up and your neck back, you look more confident and feel more active. Slouching just shows you don’t care)
NO SMILE (ANYONE THAT GIVES OFF A GENUINE, HAPPY SMILE IS BEAUTIFUL IN SOME WAY. Don’t think about whether you have a crappy smile or not, if you smile in public people will see you’re happy about something and if you don’t look like a creep they’ll return one)
Old / plain clothes (I have plenty of “I don’t give a crap” shirts that if I wore in public would make me look unpreventable and old fashioned. It’s pretty easy to detect new and fresh clothing on people, this can show a lot about you)
In short, NO ONE IS “UGLY.” True, some are better looking than others, but that doesn’t mean someone who isn’t as good looking can be attractive too. Don’t get yourself down on it. If you’re concerned about your looks, you have to fix it. (weight problem, dorky glasses, boring hair, etc)
If you want to be a little less lonely and meet friends, just hang out with people you know more often. I mean, think about someone you know or have just recently met. What do you think they’re doing tonight / tomorrow? PROBABLY NOTHING IMPORTANT. Not everyone out there is living super cool stress free lives without you. Just find something fun to do and ask if they want to spend time with you. Having company and another person to convey thoughts about the things around you is a blessing to have.
Relationships and love?
I’m no expert, but I see a lot of nice guys here that don’t deserve to be rejected by women. A huge amount of us here have girl problems. You probably got the “nice guy” rejection a couple of times (if you’re male). Well, how can I stop being the “nice guy?” ok, being honest it’s probably from a list of reasons. Primarily, stop treating a girl like she’s some kind of goddess that automatically has your affection and love. Don’t make some girl your top priority that constantly occupies your thoughts, and DON’T MAKE EVERYTHING YOU SAY TO HER SOME DESPEREATE ATTEMPT AT CREATING SOME KIND OF EMOTIONAL POETRY. From my experience, if you have to go through the uninteresting “How are you? Good, you? Alright. How was your day? It was ok, your’s?” BS when you talk to her, she’s either not in the mood to speak to you at that particular time or you’re doing something wrong.
Please, stop thinking that every girl that speaks to you is some kind of precious gem no one can harm and it’s your duty to keep her safe from the world. Want to know something else, too? YES, GIRLS LOVE SEX. NOT EVERY GUY THAT TRIES TO HAVE SEX WITH HER IS “AN ******* THAT JUST WANTS TO GET IN HER PANTS.” GIRLS PRACTICE F*** AND CHUCK, TOO. NOT EVERY GIRL WANTS TO HAVE AN EMOTIONAL LOVING SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP.
Look, if there’s some girl out there that you want to meet and you’re admiring from afar, just suck it up and talk to her. If you never actually spoke to her, you got it easier! If a girl is interested in meeting guys (Yes, any guy), she’ll often be interested and curious about who you are. DON’T TALK ABOUT YOURSELF AT ALL UNLESS SHE ASKS YOU. Smile, laugh, and be GENUALLY INTERESTED IN THE THINGS SHE SAYS. (or at least learn to fake it). It’s NOT hard. You’ll fail many times, but whatever, just man up and don’t cry about it. Make sure you offer her something too. No girl wants some lonely guy with no friends and sits on his computer all day as a boyfriend. If you don’t soak up courage to talk to that cute girl, then chances are she’ll just find some other guy to grow attached to (and contrary to a lot of beliefs, he WONT be a ****** and he’ll probably treat her with a lot of respect and have some good success stories about his life).
It’s actually pretty easy to NOT be thought of as creepy. I’ve been called a creep many times before, but it’s not too hard to change people’s opinions. If you’re meeting a group of people for the first time, be one of the first people to say something, and make sure it’s funny, positive, and happy. (ex. In college when you meet a bunch of new people in all your classes, on the first day say something like “We should all go around the room and introduce ourselves!” or something as more of a joke.) If you present yourself as outgoing and happy in the first few seconds of meeting someone, that’s how they will almost AWAYS see you. Even if you head back into your depressive state, they’ll just think you had a bad day rather than depression. ***IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU WHAT’S WRONG, DO NOT TALK ABOUT SUICIDE, CUTTING YOURSELF, LONELINESS, DESPAIR, ETC. ONLY, AND ONLY SAY THIS TO SOMEONE YOU’VE KNOWN A VERY LONG TIME.*** Make something up. Most people need an excuse to be miserable (my car broke down, my sister’s in the hospital, etc).
I have a depressed friend which I sometimes invite along, but then stopped taking him places with me. The reason? He’s so **** quiet, reserved, and shy. If you don’t speak up in a group of people at first, it gets harder and harder to join in their conversations. I invited him with me several places with various groups of people, and every time he says something it’s always some kind of negative comment. And then he goes back to hiding in his shell. He kept trying to make some “image” of himself instead of just flowing with the conversation. He pretended he was some tough loner who didn’t need society or something dumb like that. If you seriously think of yourself that way around people, then just stop and think about how you searched the internet for a website where depressed and lonely people gather in a forum to talk about their troubles. Humans are social creatures, you can’t deny your need for interaction.
It’s not too difficult to accomplish your goals. I was a nasty mental mess until I decided to get on top of things. What worked for me is actually sitting down and writing lists of things. Some of these lists included a list of ALL my goals (long and short), workout / practice plans, and even a survey of all the thoughts that enter my head. [I strongly recommend the list of thoughts you normally think. Say you have some ex boyfriend or lost friend issues you always think about. Write it down, when you go back, look at it and find a way to either fix the problem, plan out how to fix it, or discard it as unimportant.] Meditation is very important too. Think about what you want in life, and figure out a REALISTIC AND PROGRESSIVE way of getting it done.
There were so many things I wanted to do with my life but didn’t have the motivation to do them. I wanted my depression to be over, but I had no idea how to ease it. Then one day, BAM. Everything was forced on me at once. My roommates came in and we all forced each other to go to the gym (I was unhappy with my physique, and I haven’t been to the gym in over a year but I kept saying how I wanted to go), I had to get my grades back up (I was on academic probation because the previous semester I had a mental breakdown and stopped going to classes), I realized my family has almost no money and I need to start growing up and getting it myself, and I met a cute girl who I really liked and I knew I had to gain some self confidence and esteem and make myself interesting if I ever wanted a shot at her.
Do yourself a huge favor; get the hell off your freaking computer. Is what you’re searching for in this box you’re looking at? Is what you really want what you have now? No? Well, don’t be a cry baby and man up. Think rationally about how you can fix or ease it enough for you to actually say you enjoy life. Sitting around thinking about how pathetic you are gets you nowhere and you know what else it does? It makes you a pathetic cry baby that can’t deal with the negatives of life without pampering and other people to spoon feed you hope. I’ve been at rock bottom, too. I know what it’s like. It sucks. Don’t make hitting that point the starting gun for your motivation for accomplishing your goals. No more living in a dream world for you, it’s clearly not working the way you want it to.
MOTIVATION WONT COME, ANSWERS WONT BE JUST GIVEN TO YOU, AND IF PEOPLE DON’T ACCEPT YOU NOW THEN THEY WONT ACCEPT YOU UNTIL YOU CHANGE SOMETHING ABOUT YOURSELF
FORCE IT.
FORCE IT. FORCE IT. FORCE IT.
If I helped just ONE person out of this, then I’m happy. To those of you with far worse problems than social anxiety, I’m sorry if I said anything to upset you.
But some people here had more of a need for a kick in the rear than a shoulder to cry on.
I’m seeing a lot of normal looking / sounding people on these forums constantly talking about their fear of people and social situations. I’m also seeing a lot of prep talk and cheering up, which is great for every now and then, and I’m thankful that a place exists where people are so considerate of one another, but in the long run, it doesn’t really help anyone here start to experience life without depression.
If you experienced something tragic or if your illness ranges beyond just being lonely or a “social dunce,” then I’m sorry, I don’t have all the answers.
I have no idea where to begin my rant, so I’ll just pick random points. There’s a lot of brute honesty flying in this post, some of you might get angry at me for it.
Ok, after reading so many of these threads and posts, one of everyone’s biggest problem is just socializing and making friends in general. Well, if you all think you’re so bad at it, let’s take a step back and think why. Look at all these threads and all these posts inside them that just stink with negativity and people feeling sorry for themselves. Please, grow some backbone and toughen up. A person constantly analyzing how pathetic they think they are is not someone anyone WANTS to spend time around. Sympathy does not lead to friends. Think about it: who would you want to spend your day with? Someone who’s talking about how sad and lonely they feel or someone FUN TO BE AROUND? All these constant “nobody cares about some pathetic loser like me” posts in threads like “What’s the sweetest thing someone has ever said to you?” are not doing you or anyone else any good.
Also, a lot of people here seem to be normal people with a lot of intellect, only they spend all their time in their house afraid to go outside. I was forced inside my house one summer after surgery and of course I was the only person in town without a nice summer tan. (and with paleness being a huge stigma for me since I was little) I had to go outside eventually to get ready for the next school year. It’s actually really easy to tell who’s been cooped up inside their own room on looks alone. When I finally got up enough nerve to leave, I felt like EVERYONE I SAW WAS STARING AT ME AND JUDGING ME. It SUCKS, I know. I purposely avoided so many people so they wouldn’t think I was some hermit in old clothes and skin problems. I eventually got through it, though. Not because I wanted to, but because I had to.
To anyone who thinks they’re ugly, let’s talk about this. I’ve seen a lot of photos from the Faces Thread. Being totally straight with everyone, I didn’t see anyone that I considered completely unapproachable in any way, but I did see a LOT of pictures that just generated a sense of creepiness. Then I wondered, what makes someone look like a creep / unapproachable? Well, <b>the things that made some of you guys look creepy were:
pale skin (vitamin D from sunlight gives off a healthy glow on your skin EVEN if you’re still pale)
droopy eyes (looking into someone’s eyes tells you SO MUCH about someone. Half open, uninterested, unalert eyes are so unpleasant to look into)
bad posture (by holding your shoulders up and your neck back, you look more confident and feel more active. Slouching just shows you don’t care)
NO SMILE (ANYONE THAT GIVES OFF A GENUINE, HAPPY SMILE IS BEAUTIFUL IN SOME WAY. Don’t think about whether you have a crappy smile or not, if you smile in public people will see you’re happy about something and if you don’t look like a creep they’ll return one)
Old / plain clothes (I have plenty of “I don’t give a crap” shirts that if I wore in public would make me look unpreventable and old fashioned. It’s pretty easy to detect new and fresh clothing on people, this can show a lot about you)
In short, NO ONE IS “UGLY.” True, some are better looking than others, but that doesn’t mean someone who isn’t as good looking can be attractive too. Don’t get yourself down on it. If you’re concerned about your looks, you have to fix it. (weight problem, dorky glasses, boring hair, etc)
If you want to be a little less lonely and meet friends, just hang out with people you know more often. I mean, think about someone you know or have just recently met. What do you think they’re doing tonight / tomorrow? PROBABLY NOTHING IMPORTANT. Not everyone out there is living super cool stress free lives without you. Just find something fun to do and ask if they want to spend time with you. Having company and another person to convey thoughts about the things around you is a blessing to have.
Relationships and love?
I’m no expert, but I see a lot of nice guys here that don’t deserve to be rejected by women. A huge amount of us here have girl problems. You probably got the “nice guy” rejection a couple of times (if you’re male). Well, how can I stop being the “nice guy?” ok, being honest it’s probably from a list of reasons. Primarily, stop treating a girl like she’s some kind of goddess that automatically has your affection and love. Don’t make some girl your top priority that constantly occupies your thoughts, and DON’T MAKE EVERYTHING YOU SAY TO HER SOME DESPEREATE ATTEMPT AT CREATING SOME KIND OF EMOTIONAL POETRY. From my experience, if you have to go through the uninteresting “How are you? Good, you? Alright. How was your day? It was ok, your’s?” BS when you talk to her, she’s either not in the mood to speak to you at that particular time or you’re doing something wrong.
Please, stop thinking that every girl that speaks to you is some kind of precious gem no one can harm and it’s your duty to keep her safe from the world. Want to know something else, too? YES, GIRLS LOVE SEX. NOT EVERY GUY THAT TRIES TO HAVE SEX WITH HER IS “AN ******* THAT JUST WANTS TO GET IN HER PANTS.” GIRLS PRACTICE F*** AND CHUCK, TOO. NOT EVERY GIRL WANTS TO HAVE AN EMOTIONAL LOVING SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP.
Look, if there’s some girl out there that you want to meet and you’re admiring from afar, just suck it up and talk to her. If you never actually spoke to her, you got it easier! If a girl is interested in meeting guys (Yes, any guy), she’ll often be interested and curious about who you are. DON’T TALK ABOUT YOURSELF AT ALL UNLESS SHE ASKS YOU. Smile, laugh, and be GENUALLY INTERESTED IN THE THINGS SHE SAYS. (or at least learn to fake it). It’s NOT hard. You’ll fail many times, but whatever, just man up and don’t cry about it. Make sure you offer her something too. No girl wants some lonely guy with no friends and sits on his computer all day as a boyfriend. If you don’t soak up courage to talk to that cute girl, then chances are she’ll just find some other guy to grow attached to (and contrary to a lot of beliefs, he WONT be a ****** and he’ll probably treat her with a lot of respect and have some good success stories about his life).
It’s actually pretty easy to NOT be thought of as creepy. I’ve been called a creep many times before, but it’s not too hard to change people’s opinions. If you’re meeting a group of people for the first time, be one of the first people to say something, and make sure it’s funny, positive, and happy. (ex. In college when you meet a bunch of new people in all your classes, on the first day say something like “We should all go around the room and introduce ourselves!” or something as more of a joke.) If you present yourself as outgoing and happy in the first few seconds of meeting someone, that’s how they will almost AWAYS see you. Even if you head back into your depressive state, they’ll just think you had a bad day rather than depression. ***IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU WHAT’S WRONG, DO NOT TALK ABOUT SUICIDE, CUTTING YOURSELF, LONELINESS, DESPAIR, ETC. ONLY, AND ONLY SAY THIS TO SOMEONE YOU’VE KNOWN A VERY LONG TIME.*** Make something up. Most people need an excuse to be miserable (my car broke down, my sister’s in the hospital, etc).
I have a depressed friend which I sometimes invite along, but then stopped taking him places with me. The reason? He’s so **** quiet, reserved, and shy. If you don’t speak up in a group of people at first, it gets harder and harder to join in their conversations. I invited him with me several places with various groups of people, and every time he says something it’s always some kind of negative comment. And then he goes back to hiding in his shell. He kept trying to make some “image” of himself instead of just flowing with the conversation. He pretended he was some tough loner who didn’t need society or something dumb like that. If you seriously think of yourself that way around people, then just stop and think about how you searched the internet for a website where depressed and lonely people gather in a forum to talk about their troubles. Humans are social creatures, you can’t deny your need for interaction.
It’s not too difficult to accomplish your goals. I was a nasty mental mess until I decided to get on top of things. What worked for me is actually sitting down and writing lists of things. Some of these lists included a list of ALL my goals (long and short), workout / practice plans, and even a survey of all the thoughts that enter my head. [I strongly recommend the list of thoughts you normally think. Say you have some ex boyfriend or lost friend issues you always think about. Write it down, when you go back, look at it and find a way to either fix the problem, plan out how to fix it, or discard it as unimportant.] Meditation is very important too. Think about what you want in life, and figure out a REALISTIC AND PROGRESSIVE way of getting it done.
There were so many things I wanted to do with my life but didn’t have the motivation to do them. I wanted my depression to be over, but I had no idea how to ease it. Then one day, BAM. Everything was forced on me at once. My roommates came in and we all forced each other to go to the gym (I was unhappy with my physique, and I haven’t been to the gym in over a year but I kept saying how I wanted to go), I had to get my grades back up (I was on academic probation because the previous semester I had a mental breakdown and stopped going to classes), I realized my family has almost no money and I need to start growing up and getting it myself, and I met a cute girl who I really liked and I knew I had to gain some self confidence and esteem and make myself interesting if I ever wanted a shot at her.
Do yourself a huge favor; get the hell off your freaking computer. Is what you’re searching for in this box you’re looking at? Is what you really want what you have now? No? Well, don’t be a cry baby and man up. Think rationally about how you can fix or ease it enough for you to actually say you enjoy life. Sitting around thinking about how pathetic you are gets you nowhere and you know what else it does? It makes you a pathetic cry baby that can’t deal with the negatives of life without pampering and other people to spoon feed you hope. I’ve been at rock bottom, too. I know what it’s like. It sucks. Don’t make hitting that point the starting gun for your motivation for accomplishing your goals. No more living in a dream world for you, it’s clearly not working the way you want it to.
MOTIVATION WONT COME, ANSWERS WONT BE JUST GIVEN TO YOU, AND IF PEOPLE DON’T ACCEPT YOU NOW THEN THEY WONT ACCEPT YOU UNTIL YOU CHANGE SOMETHING ABOUT YOURSELF
FORCE IT.
FORCE IT. FORCE IT. FORCE IT.
If I helped just ONE person out of this, then I’m happy. To those of you with far worse problems than social anxiety, I’m sorry if I said anything to upset you.
But some people here had more of a need for a kick in the rear than a shoulder to cry on.
