Torn.

[Belleza]

Hi everyone. :]
I want to apologise in advance for how long this is going to be… The thing is, I’ve never talked to anyone about this before. It’s something I’ve always kept to myself - some of my best friends know vague details, but I’ve never told them the whole story. I’m not sure why… I suppose I’m afraid they’ll judge me, or look down upon me for the situation I’ve put myself in. Anyway, here goes!

So my ex and I were together for 2 years. I started University last September - we stayed together until February, but mid-way through I ended it. Not because I no longer loved him, but because it was too hard. He lived back in Portugal, whereas I was now in England. We’d gone from seeing each other everyday to once a month, if that. During my first month, I tried hard to make friends. I went out, joined societies, etc. At my previous schools, I’d never been popular - here, people actually liked me and I felt like I fitted in. This meant I was busy quite a lot, and I wasn’t able to get on Skype to talk to my boyfriend every night. This led to many arguments, during which he would tell me I obviously no longer loved him.

Because I’m only 19, all of my friends were telling me that I was too young to settle down with someone and needed to ‘have fun’. My ex was also my first proper relationship, and I’d never been with anyone else intimately - I didn’t want to end up wondering ‘what if’, y’know? And I know that sounds horribly selfish now… But in the end, we broke up.

Now, I’m not going to lie. I did meet someone else while I was still with my ex. I never once met up with this guy while I was with my ex, nor did I ever do anything with him or even let him know I was vaguely interested. In generally, I avoided him. I didn’t want to jeopardise my relationship. After my boyfriend and I broke up, however, a few weeks later this guy and I met up. A few weeks after that, we got together. We’ve been dating ever since - just over 3 months now.

I care about my current boyfriend very, very much. In fact, I might even go so far as to say that I love him - but can you love two people at once? People have told me that you can’t, but… That’s honestly how I feel. I’ve tried more than anything to forget my ex and move on from him, and let him move on…

Recently, I found out a close friend of mine had met up with my ex and told him that I cheated on him. This made me feel… Betrayed? Because I never cheated on him, nor would I ever - I’m not like that. I care about people far too much, and it hurt to think that someone - no less a close friend - could think that of me. I thought that was as far as it went, but today I found out (through my ex) that this aforementioned friend had set him up with someone. So he’s now seeing someone.

I can’t even begin to tell you how much I wish I could be happy for him… And I was. I was happy that we were able to get along and remain friends even while we weren’t together. But then as soon as I heard those words, I broke into tears. And I mean immediately. For two hours straight. And I hate myself for feeling this way… I don’t want to feel this way, so why do I? I thought I was over my ex, but it just showed me how much I still care about him. The thought of him being with someone else makes me feel sick… Not because I’m jealous that he’s moved on from me or because I’m ‘so wonderful’, because I’m really not. All I could think of was him holding someone else, kissing someone else, being happy with someone who wasn’t me… And then I realised I wanted that someone to be me. This, however, made me feel even worse because… Essentially I am cheating on my current boyfriend, aren’t I? Just by feeling this way…

With my current boyfriend, things are just… So easy. We never argue, he’s amazing to me… More than I deserve. I’ve never known anyone to have such an impact on my life in such a short amount of time. He means so much to me, and I never want to hurt him. He is the only person I ever felt anything for while I was with my ex, and although I didn’t want to like him, I couldn’t help it. He’s honestly one of the most unique, special people I’ve ever met. The problem is, obviously I’m going back to Portugal for the summer, and when I come back to England in September he’s going to be leaving for Japan (for work) and he’ll be gone for 2 years… But with my ex, although I’d be in Portugal during the summer, I’d be back off to University in September… So either way, I wouldn’t physically be able to be with either.

As for my ex… He was never simply a ‘boyfriend’. If I hadn’t gone to University, I can guarantee we’d still be together. I loved him more than I can describe, and he was… Far too good for me. He was there for me right after my dad died, and when my mum developed depression and became an alcoholic. I can honestly say I wouldn’t have survived last year without him. We practically lived together last year as I was constantly getting kicked out of my house. On top of that, I have an eating disorder. I have done for 3 years, and I was so scared of telling him… But he completely accepted it, and although I’m a complete mess, he still loved me and looked after me. Yet our relationship is literally so difficult.

My current boyfriend also knows about my eating disorder, and has been helping me through it. He’s come to the hospital with me, come to all my blood tests and organised a psychiatrist. I find it so easy to open up to him without being worried about what he’ll think, and he never chastises me for my problems. My ex, however, did often get angry about my eating disorder, but I think that’s just because he would get so frustrated that he wasn’t able to just snap his fingers and make it go away - not for himself, but for me. To make me better, and happy.

I just… I don’t know what to do. My current boyfriend is just so easy to be with, and I can never say I’ve felt this strongly about someone in such a short amount of time. My ex, however… I was able to imagine getting married to him, and I’m one of the biggest pessimists when it comes to couples and vowing their ‘eternal love’ for one another. With anyone else, I would have said ‘Come on, let’s be realistic now…’ but with him it was different.

I’m torn between the two of them. I don’t want to hurt my current boyfriend - he’s been hurt so much in the past, and when he recently told me that he loved me, he said that he had been afraid to admit it because he was scared of getting hurt. In all honesty, I’ve never stopped loving my ex. He’s always been at the back of my mind, but I thought that I could get over him… Today has proved I just can’t. It’s been almost 5 months since we split, but I’ve never once not thought about him throughout the day. I’ve just been trying to push it away.

Essentially I have to choose… But I don’t even know where to start. I’m sorry this has been so long, but it just feels… It feels nice to get it all off my chest. Like a relief. I still don’t know what to do, and I’m still so confused, but just having somewhere to talk about it has taken away some of the ‘pain’, I suppose.

Thanks for listening, and any advice would be greatly appreciated. :]

 

[Szka]

:3 if you can't say you love him, you dont. relax you are still young, and you are not going through a divorce. be frank to yourself, if he is not what you want (current or ex) then leave him. good for everyone and time will take care of the rest.
and avoid dramas, leave the past to the past, enjoy the moment and what you have.

 

[Badjedidude]

but can you love two people at once? People have told me that you can’t, but… That’s honestly how I feel.

Can you eat more than two foods at the same time? I'm here to say YES YOU CAN!!

Love isn't a one-shot thing. Of COURSE you can love more than one person at the same time. But you still need to choose one and aim for that one; because it's the right thing to do. Do what you must to find closure with the one that you don't choose and move on!

don’t want to feel this way, so why do I? I thought I was over my ex, but it just showed me how much I still care about him. The thought of him being with someone else makes me feel sick… Not because I’m jealous that he’s moved on from me or because I’m ‘so wonderful’, because I’m really not. All I could think of was him holding someone else, kissing someone else, being happy with someone who wasn’t me… And then I realised I wanted that someone to be me.

Completely honestly? I find that most women are like that with their first love. It's hard for women to let go of that first flame for some reason; it's like a code built into a girl's DNA that won't let her just FORGET. *shrug*

So it may not be that you actually still love him, but that you're missing the good memories. Just try to remember that good memories still await you in the future, and that you can make PLENTY of great memories with your current bf.

Ultimately this is something that only you can decide. You mentioned that you're going to be moving around quite a bit in the near future... so sit back and think about who you'll be able to be with while you're moving around like that.

Good luck with everything. Really. *hugs*

 

[Belleza]

:3 if you can't say you love him, you dont. relax you are still young, and you are not going through a divorce. be frank to yourself, if he is not what you want (current or ex) then leave him. good for everyone and time will take care of the rest.
and avoid dramas, leave the past to the past, enjoy the moment and what you have.

I can quite easily say that I love my ex, unfortunately. I can say that I love my current boyfriend as well, but... I know that my love for him isn't as strong as that which I feel for my ex. But a part of me is saying that's only because I was with my ex for 2 years, whereas I've only been with my current for 4 months, so obviously I wouldn't feel as strongly towards him, right?
But you're right - I am still young. =] My ex is 21, however my current boyfriend is 26. He's a lot more mature and understanding when it comes to things like this. He knows all about my ex and gets that it can be hard.
I'm trying my best to just enjoy the moment. :] Problem is I always get too caught up in relationships, it seems. I never mean to. =P

but can you love two people at once? People have told me that you can’t, but… That’s honestly how I feel.

Can you eat more than two foods at the same time? I'm here to say YES YOU CAN!!

Love isn't a one-shot thing. Of COURSE you can love more than one person at the same time. But you still need to choose one and aim for that one; because it's the right thing to do. Do what you must to find closure with the one that you don't choose and move on!

Completely honestly? I find that most women are like that with their first love. It's hard for women to let go of that first flame for some reason; it's like a code built into a girl's DNA that won't let her just FORGET. *shrug*

So it may not be that you actually still love him, but that you're missing the good memories. Just try to remember that good memories still await you in the future, and that you can make PLENTY of great memories with your current bf.

Ultimately this is something that only you can decide. You mentioned that you're going to be moving around quite a bit in the near future... so sit back and think about who you'll be able to be with while you're moving around like that.

Good luck with everything. Really. *hugs*

Haha, exactly. That's a nice way of looking at it - if you can eat two types of food at once, then hell yeah you can love two people as well. ;P

Thing is, my ex wasn't exactly my first love... I was in a relationship with someone else before for just over a year, and I believed I was in love with him. When I look back on it, I really wasn't. So perhaps my ex was the first person I truly fell in love with.

That's made me think, what you said about who I can be with while moving around a lot... I'm pretty sure that with my current boyfriend, although he's moving to another country, we would be able to make it work. The only problem is I don't know whether I want it to work. For it to work, we would have to stay together for 2 more years, as that's when he's coming back. I'm literally not going to be able to spend any time with him for two years, and that's scary... Whereas with my ex, I'd be able to see him everytime I go back to Portugal. Evidently something went wrong when we broke up while I was at University, but I think I've realised what it's like to not be with him... And I can barely stand it.

I think I've made a decision... It's just actually putting that decision into actions that scares me the most.
Thanks so much. :] <3

 

[QuietGuy]

Sorry to hear you're in such a tricky situation

I processed your first post with my special QuietGuy filter set to "remarks about current boyfriend", and here's what came out:

I care about my current boyfriend very, very much. In fact, I might even go so far as to say that I love him [...] With my current boyfriend, things are just… So easy. We never argue, he’s amazing to me… More than I deserve. I’ve never known anyone to have such an impact on my life in such a short amount of time. He means so much to me, and I never want to hurt him. [...] He’s honestly one of the most unique, special people I’ve ever met. [...] My current boyfriend also knows about my eating disorder, and has been helping me through it. He’s come to the hospital with me, come to all my blood tests and organised a psychiatrist. I find it so easy to open up to him without being worried about what he’ll think, and he never chastises me for my problems. [...] My current boyfriend is just so easy to be with, and I can never say I’ve felt this strongly about someone in such a short amount of time.

I realise you still love your ex, but - wow! - your current boyfriend sounds like an amazing guy.

I think I've made a decision... It's just actually putting that decision into actions that scares me the most.

What have you decided, if you don't mind me asking? (Of course you don't have to tell us if you'd prefer not to

)

 

[Belleza]

Thanks, QuietGuy. =)
Yeah... My boyfriend is quite an amazing person. I know it sounds so trivial, but it's just the little things... Like when he takes me out for dinner, doesn't allow me to pay for any of it - even if I insist - and says, 'The lady will have...'
It may be old fashioned, but lady?! My ex never used to do anything like that... And he always plans new stuff to do, like when he booked us tickets to go watch horse racing, and surprised me by taking me to go watch a musical (where he even paid extra for us to join in with a dance workshop beforehand). We've been out to dinner so many times, and everytime is a different place, with a different atmosphere, and he always treats me like I'm the most beautiful person in the world or something, which I'm obviously not. But it's nice to feel that way. :]

The thing is, I don't think I've given my ex... Well, a fair trial, y'know?
See, my ex and I were really good friends when I was around 11/12, but then when I was 13 he moved away to America. We didn't even get to say bye, nor did we stay in touch because we didn't swap contact details or anything. His dad would come back to Portugal every now and then, let me know how he was doing... Then in November '09 my dad passed away. I'd had a pretty rough year, and that was just the 'cherry on top', per se. A week after he passed away, my ex's dad knocked on our front door. I thought he was alone, but when I approached the door I realised that my ex was standing next to him. I hadn't seen him for 6 years. Anyway, we spent the whole day together... I just opened up to him about everything. Eventually we got together, and he admitted to me that he'd never forgot about me while he was in America.

My ex is completely different in comparison to my current boyfriend. He may not call me 'lady' and take me out to dinner and horse races, but we go on hikes together, explore the countryside, go on long drives and laugh when we realise we're lost... And he does everything he can for me. At one point, he'd spent a lot of time with me and was supposed to be working on his house (as he rents it out over the summer to people, that's basically his income) and had been slacking basically because of me... So he left, and about an hour after he left I suddenly felt really ill and ended up fainting. Not because he'd left... =P I just have low potassium levels, which causes me to be really drained of energy and I faint sometimes. Anyway, I rang him up because I was scared, and although he'd done almost no work and it should have been his first priority, he rushed back over.
He's also one of the most caring, understanding, loving people I've ever known. Sure, we may get into little fights every now and then, but that always happens in relationships, and the 'fights' only ever occur because he cares about me. His aunt is a nurse and she works alongside someone who specialises in eating disorders, and he got her number and rang her up to make an appointment for me to start seeing her. Most people wouldn't tolerate being with me... Just because of the way my 'problem' can make me such a selfish person. I mean, there are times when he's really wanted to go out with his friends - who he doesn't even see that often anyway - but I've said I didn't want to go because I felt too weak. was generally down because I felt fat or was scared that I would have to eat if I went out. It sounds ridiculous now that I type it out, because I shouldn't have been so selfish... But I told him to go without me. He said he couldn't leave me, and would rather be with me anyway.

After my dad passed away, my mum developed depression and became an alcoholic. I really don't know many people who would put up with a girl who - not only has an eating disorder that causes so many problems - but also has a mother who drinks herself into a frenzy and ends up screaming at everyone. One night she even burst into tears and just sat in the corner sobbing, and he went over to her, put his arm around her shoulder and talked to her for half an hour. He didn't have to do that... He could have just stayed with me, or left. But he just wanted to make it all easier for me.

I feel like... Things just aren't really 'over' with my ex. I know that we would still be together 100% if it weren't for University, and when we broke up, it was just me being... Silly. I panicked, wondering 'What if this is it? What if he's the only guy I'll ever really be with, and I'm missing out on someone here because I can't give them a chance?' and I didn't want to have any regrets or doubts if we were to end up getting married or something... Because I honestly could see that happening with him, which is something I've never, ever been able to do. I think the decision I've made is that... Even if I don't end up getting back with my ex, I don't think it's fair for me to be with anyone else because I can't commit myself to them fully. I can lie to myself, and to them... Tell them that I don't feel anything for my ex, and that I've cut off all ties... But I just can't do it. Maybe I could if I moved to a completely different continent... And when I'm in England, my feelings for my ex do... Fade a little, but they never go away. I just get distracted from what I'm feeling. As soon as I go back to Portugal for holidays, I tell myself that when I see him (which is unavoidable because we have all the same friends and only live 2 minutes away from each other), it will be different. I won't want to be with him anymore. I tried my hardest the last time I went home, which was a few months ago, but that lasted a whole week. So... I'm still not completely sure what I'm going to do, but I do know that it's not fair for me to try and commit myself to another relationship when I can't get my ex out of my head. So either I end it with my boyfriend, or I completely cut my ex out of my life and try to move on.

 

[QuietGuy]

It sounds a little silly to ask, but have you written down a list of the pros and cons of the two choices that you could make? You've shared a lot of information with us, and I think it may help you make your decision if you can condense it down to a list of bullet points. Yes, I know it's a nerdy approach, but I find it helps me make big decisions.

Your ex and your current boyfriend both sound like really wonderful caring guys, and it's a tough decision you have to make, but as BJD says, "you still need to choose one and aim for that one; because it's the right thing to do. Do what you must to find closure with the one that you don't choose and move on!"

You briefly mentioned that your ex was told that you cheated on him (which you didn't), and that he's currently seeing someone else. Do you know any more details about his current situation? Have you been in contact with him recently, and discussed things with him? Sorry to ask, but it's important. I don't think you can make your decision properly until you know how he's currently feeling about you.

Again, I'm really sorry you're in this situation Please keep posting here, and we'll do our best to help.

 

[Belleza]

I actually haven't written a pros and cons list... Although that does sound like a good idea, I'll give it a go. =]

Well, things have changed a little since I last posted.
My ex is no longer seeing that girl; he stopped seeing her once I got back to Portugal. He and I have been seeing each other everyday and he's told me that he loves me and wants to be with me, but doesn't think it can work out right now. He feels that we both need to be single while I'm still at uni, which is what I said right from the beginning when I first ended it.

The other night we were sitting in my room and he said to me, 'Do you think you only ever fall in love once?' which kind of took me by surprise, because he was basically insinuating that because he'd already fallen in love with me, he would never love anyone else. I wasn't really sure what to say to that, but he told me that he wanted more than anything to be with me after University. He told me he still wanted to talk to me all the time while I was at University, and that he wants to come and visit me - maybe with time. Since then, he's said that he doesn't think he can wait until after University to be with me, and he's opened up a lot more. I can feel him building his trust back up, which is nice. =] Because I did hurt him a lot when we broke up... It almost came out of nowhere... But it's giving me hope that this can really work out. I know that a lot of guys just say things, but he's honestly different. He's been completely straight with me, letting me know that he does still have feelings for this other girl and therefore can't be with anyone right now because it wouldn't be fair... And although I'm sad we can't be together right now, I'm happy he's being honest.

I've only been back in Portugal for about 4/5 days now, but already he's changed. In the beginning, he was hesitant and closed himself off to me - I suppose because he was afraid he would get hurt again. But as we've spent more time together, I can see my old boyfriend again. A few days ago, it was almost tense when we sat together and talked... But now we have those goofy conversations we always used to have. Even the little things, like him using my old nicknames and pulling me onto his lap when he sits down.

My grandma rang the other day and mentioned that I sounded sad, which caused me to burst into tears... I explained the situation and told her I didn't know what to do, and she just kept saying 'don't give up' and 'I'm going to pray for you, and my prayers are always answered'. She also said, 'I've only met him' - (my ex) - 'once, but I could instantly tell how wonderful he was, and I could tell just from the way he looked at you that he would do anything for you', and it really made me not want to give up. =] So I'm not really sure what's going to happen yet, but I'll keep you updated with what's going on!

And thanks so much for responding, QuietGuy. Really means a lot to have someone giving me advice. <3

 

[futurecatlady]

Belleza, you sound like such a sweet, lovely girl. Most people don't have the courage to do what you did--lose a sure thing (your current boyfriend) even though you might end up alone, because you knew it was the right thing to do. You and your ex do sound like you're in love, very much so.

My boyfriend is quite an amazing person. I know it sounds so trivial, but it's just the little things... Like when he takes me out for dinner, doesn't allow me to pay for any of it - even if I insist - and says, 'The lady will have...'
It may be old fashioned, but lady?! My ex never used to do anything like that...
...
My ex is completely different in comparison to my current boyfriend. He may not call me 'lady' and take me out to dinner and horse races, but we go on hikes together, explore the countryside, go on long drives and laugh when we realise we're lost... And he does everything he can for me.

It would be a little inaccurate to say that I believe in soulmates, because I don't think there is just one soulmate for each person, but I do believe that two people can connect in a way that transcends all other qualities. Your England boy sounds wonderful on paper, but it seems like it is your ex--with all his flaws and imperfections--is the one who you truly have a soulful connection with.

I wish you the best of luck! <HUG>

 

[Vic Sage]

I don't really have any relevant advice, just that I can somewhat relate to this. You're not alone in that regard.

 

[Belleza]

Aww, thank you so much futurecatlady. I honestly wouldn't give myself any praise for that though... Anyone in my position should do the same thing, albeit difficult... And to be fair, I should have made a decision a long time ago. I'd dragged it on too long and ended up hurting people unnecessarily... =[

Yeah, I'm not entirely sure whether I believe in the whole soulmates thing either, but I do believe what you say too - and I honestly think that this is what I have with my ex. With the guy in England, he is lovely on paper... You can't fault him whatsoever. But when I'm with my ex, things just feel so right. Like... When I'm on my own, I can be an absolute idiot. I can dance around my room like a crazy person without being afraid of someone watching me, thinking I'm insane. I can make faces in the mirror and see how many different expressions I can come up with when I'm bored. Well, with my ex, I might as well be on my own. I can do all of those things in front of him, and he wouldn't even give me a second glance. Well. He wouldn't ignore me, per se. =P But what I mean is, he wouldn't think I'm strange. He would just chuckle, kiss me and tell me I'm cute or whatever.

Thanks, Vic Sage. =] As melancholic as it sounds, it's a little comforting to know that someone else knows how it feels. I hope everything works out in your situation. =[ *hugs*

 

[Badjedidude]

Yeah, I'm not entirely sure whether I believe in the whole soulmates thing either, but I do believe what you say too - and I honestly think that this is what I have with my ex. With the guy in England, he is lovely on paper... You can't fault him whatsoever. But when I'm with my ex, things just feel so right. Like... When I'm on my own, I can be an absolute idiot. I can dance around my room like a crazy person without being afraid of someone watching me, thinking I'm insane. I can make faces in the mirror and see how many different expressions I can come up with when I'm bored. Well, with my ex, I might as well be on my own. I can do all of those things in front of him, and he wouldn't even give me a second glance. Well. He wouldn't ignore me, per se. =P But what I mean is, he wouldn't think I'm strange. He would just chuckle, kiss me and tell me I'm cute or whatever.

What you just described is chemistry. You are two people who go well with one another. But that doesn't necessarily make it love.

Just something to think about. *shrug*

 

[futurecatlady]

BJD, I think it's more than just chemistry. I think it's... being on the same wavelength, so to speak. And I agree that such a connection doesn't necessarily imply romantic love, or vice versa. You can have it with a sister, parent, classmate, imaginary friend. And on the flip side, you can love someone without having that connection. But, it seems like Belleza has that with her ex in addition to loving him, and that's the part I think is really special.

 

[Badjedidude]

*shrug* It's not for me to say either way, really.

I just think it'd be wise to keep what I said in mind, is all.

 

[hipertogbog]

I need help my dog had his leg back applauded in June 2007 and the other leg is weak and not getting any stronger, I am looking for a flexible brace to help with a force that is flexible, so it can go pot. Can you help me or direct me to someone who can. You know how we can get the knee brace that you can get at Walgreens, how about a dog version. He is a Rototiller.

 

[cheaptrickfan]

He is a Rototiller.

This looks like a Mad Libs exercise.

 

[EveWasFramed]

His leg was "applauded?" So he can go "pot?"
err...lol, is that a serious post, or someone pulling our legs?