um, I guess I should introduce myself

[hiding]

Hi,

I've been really down lately because I just realised something pretty basic about myself. Long, messy story:

I am a pretender, trying to be someone people will like. Feel like people will not like me automatically because of what I look like. Ummm, I am of what you could call undefinable race, which makes people nervous. Or makes me think it makes people nervous. Obsessed by it, paralyzed by it the first 18-20 years of my life and now just hiding from all the crap that I have never dealt with.

Another thing, or a related thing: I'm very shy and have low self-esteem without showing it. I act exactly the opposite: confident and outgoing. My boyfriend tells me he is attracted to how I can just go up to people and talk to them. Well, "I" don't really talk to anyone at all. Never have, perhaps. My persona talks and is gregarious and lives a social life. But there's a big disconnect and the real me just feels more lonely because all those people I talk to just get to know that persona better and better, but never get to know me. And the more time I spend with them, the better they get to know the persona and the harder it becomes to try and be myself with them. So I can actually feel lonely in every situation, but I often feel most lonely around good friends, family or my boyfriend.

Maybe that's why I try and talk to new people all the time.... But I feel so lonely, and so ashamed to be lonely in a sea of people, that I can hardly bare to turn on MSN because it kills me to see "no contacts online". That tells my whole story really, no contacts online.
Hope some of this makes sense.. and that someone might read this. Bye, I have to scurry back into my hole now and make way for the persona again. ! /

 

[teach]

Hello Hiding, and welcome.
Your story is very familiar to a lot of us here. I think most of society would be surprised at what really goes on behind closed doors with members of this forum, the solitude and loneliness. We give off a really positive or social image sometimes, not always, that people don't know we may be looking for others to reach out to us.

 

[NewBirth]

Hi,

I've been really down lately because I just realised something pretty basic about myself. Long, messy story:

I am a pretender, trying to be someone people will like. Feel like people will not like me automatically because of what I look like. Ummm, I am of what you could call undefinable race, which makes people nervous. Or makes me think it makes people nervous. Obsessed by it, paralyzed by it the first 18-20 years of my life and now just hiding from all the crap that I have never dealt with.

Another thing, or a related thing: I'm very shy and have low self-esteem without showing it. I act exactly the opposite: confident and outgoing. My boyfriend tells me he is attracted to how I can just go up to people and talk to them. Well, "I" don't really talk to anyone at all. Never have, perhaps. My persona talks and is gregarious and lives a social life. But there's a big disconnect and the real me just feels more lonely because all those people I talk to just get to know that persona better and better, but never get to know me. And the more time I spend with them, the better they get to know the persona and the harder it becomes to try and be myself with them. So I can actually feel lonely in every situation, but I often feel most lonely around good friends, family or my boyfriend.

Maybe that's why I try and talk to new people all the time.... But I feel so lonely, and so ashamed to be lonely in a sea of people, that I can hardly bare to turn on MSN because it kills me to see "no contacts online". That tells my whole story really, no contacts online.
Hope some of this makes sense.. and that someone might read this. Bye, I have to scurry back into my hole now and make way for the persona again. ! /

undefinable race doesnt exist were all something or another
u just have 2 find out what those something or anothers are LoL & accept them.... 2 hell w/other peeps


oops forgot 2 say welcome

 

[Blue Sky]

Hi Hiding and welcome to the forum.

 

[Vortex]

Hello hiding, I wish that you find what you're searching for here.

 

[MisterD]

oh yea i would say its pretty normal in todays society to be like something theyre not because of rejection afraid of how people would response to your true self when its there laid in the open.

in practical and reality of it this is so hard to fix, even i have to go for a different way i normally do to get people attentions and to be accepted. sometimes this is the only way you can do it because people are different we all seems to follow trend and if ur not into it ur out of it and u are isolated from the rest of world and it make us pretty **** shitty.

i dont really know but i would probably continue pretending to some people that accepts ur image ur portraying now and keep looking till u find that certain someone who will accept who u really are.

anyways its just weird ur bf doesnt seem to know who u really are.. u shud try to start showing him ur true self even bit by bit till u can comfortably show him ur complete true self. and here well see if anything would change.

 

[SadRabbit]

Well, hiding why do you feel lonely? Is it because you are not really doing the stuff that you don't like....or don't want? Then my only answer to you is that hummm... try being yourself. Don't be afraid cause that is what makes each of us special.

 

[lonelygirl]

Hello and Welcome! Please feel safe to come out of hiding and unmask yourself here. This is the place for no masks--you can breath freely and will not be judged!

May I ask how old you are? I know that I went through a similar situation in my youth from age 12 to about 22--I really didn't even KNOW who I was so how could I 'just be myself'?

Hugs,

LG.

 

[SadRabbit]

Hummm.... you have got a valid point there LG....so how did you find out who you were? Maybe hiding can learn from you?

 

[hiding]

Hi everybody,
wow, lots of postings-- sorry I've been away! I will try and answer.

I'm 31.
I am trying to open up to people and show myself, but I'm really good at telling people what I think they want to hear. Fully agree with teach and MisterD who have said that lots of people put on a mask for others. I guess my problem is that I don't want to do that anymore, but I've just gotten so good at it that I can't figure out how to stop. I have read a book on being assertive, and I try to practice some of the techniques in there to get myself to just say whatever it is I want to say. But it's very scary. This is regarding emotional things, not facts or sports or the like. I think it is my paralyzing fear of criticism, ridicule, rejection. I know I should just sort of stop having that fear, but I find it very hard to do. (Might be due to the experiences of criticism, ridicule and rejection I've had in the past.)

And to answer LG, I think I feel most lonely when I feel like (a) people don't know me and (b) it's my fault. I don't know how to break the cycle and start really connecting with the people I spend time with. Then I think it's wrong and disingenuous (sp?) of me to keep hiding behind words I don't really, truly mean, and that the person I'm talking with deserves to hear my true opinions and know my true self, but somehow I just don't get the nerve to come out with some "genuine information" until the moment has passed and it's too late. That makes me feel like I've taken a step in the wrong direction again, potentially pushing this person away because of my fears, perhaps misleading someone who potentially could have become a closer friend. And that just makes me feel lonely.... Hope that explains it.

 

[MisterD]

Hiding,

thats valid reason to feel lonely. not knowing whether u couldve shown ur trueself might gain a true friend rather than showing them ur mask. if u accidetanlly wore ur mask to a potential friend dont worry just yet remember MAGIC happens in the process. for all we know that person also having the same issue as u are and time will uncover all this. and u might unmasked a true friend. friendship is a hard labor and on going process theres always a hole u can fit in to feel comfortably. Until then find that hole that u can be who u are and gradually unmasked urself. One step at a time.

 

[lonelygirl]

Hiding,

I can totally hear you. Pretending to be someone else, some idealized version of a human with no faults or problems, can be really exhausting! Even Actors dont' have to work 24-7 jobs! They get a break when the lights go down off the stage!

SadRabbit, I think growing up is the process of trying to figure out who you are, why you were born, what you care about, what you love, and what you should do with your life. It's a huge struggle and so many of us head down the wrong path, then keep coming back. I am SO happy that my life has been refreshed and renewed...so I am trying to relax and enjoy the ride instead of keep on desperately trying to control everything! Control is an illusion!