H
hiding
Guest
Hi,
I've been really down lately because I just realised something pretty basic about myself. Long, messy story:
I am a pretender, trying to be someone people will like. Feel like people will not like me automatically because of what I look like. Ummm, I am of what you could call undefinable race, which makes people nervous. Or makes me think it makes people nervous. Obsessed by it, paralyzed by it the first 18-20 years of my life and now just hiding from all the crap that I have never dealt with.
Another thing, or a related thing: I'm very shy and have low self-esteem without showing it. I act exactly the opposite: confident and outgoing. My boyfriend tells me he is attracted to how I can just go up to people and talk to them. Well, "I" don't really talk to anyone at all. Never have, perhaps. My persona talks and is gregarious and lives a social life. But there's a big disconnect and the real me just feels more lonely because all those people I talk to just get to know that persona better and better, but never get to know me. And the more time I spend with them, the better they get to know the persona and the harder it becomes to try and be myself with them. So I can actually feel lonely in every situation, but I often feel most lonely around good friends, family or my boyfriend.
Maybe that's why I try and talk to new people all the time.... But I feel so lonely, and so ashamed to be lonely in a sea of people, that I can hardly bare to turn on MSN because it kills me to see "no contacts online". That tells my whole story really, no contacts online.
Hope some of this makes sense.. and that someone might read this. Bye, I have to scurry back into my hole now and make way for the persona again. ! /
I've been really down lately because I just realised something pretty basic about myself. Long, messy story:
I am a pretender, trying to be someone people will like. Feel like people will not like me automatically because of what I look like. Ummm, I am of what you could call undefinable race, which makes people nervous. Or makes me think it makes people nervous. Obsessed by it, paralyzed by it the first 18-20 years of my life and now just hiding from all the crap that I have never dealt with.
Another thing, or a related thing: I'm very shy and have low self-esteem without showing it. I act exactly the opposite: confident and outgoing. My boyfriend tells me he is attracted to how I can just go up to people and talk to them. Well, "I" don't really talk to anyone at all. Never have, perhaps. My persona talks and is gregarious and lives a social life. But there's a big disconnect and the real me just feels more lonely because all those people I talk to just get to know that persona better and better, but never get to know me. And the more time I spend with them, the better they get to know the persona and the harder it becomes to try and be myself with them. So I can actually feel lonely in every situation, but I often feel most lonely around good friends, family or my boyfriend.
Maybe that's why I try and talk to new people all the time.... But I feel so lonely, and so ashamed to be lonely in a sea of people, that I can hardly bare to turn on MSN because it kills me to see "no contacts online". That tells my whole story really, no contacts online.
Hope some of this makes sense.. and that someone might read this. Bye, I have to scurry back into my hole now and make way for the persona again. ! /