You've said "hello" and then what?

[wolfshadow]

A few weeks ago I spent the night in police custody after headbutting a shopkeeper!
Actually that isn't true at all but it does inject some much needed drama into what, I warn you in advance, may be a rather dull thread.

For once I'm going to actually ask the site for some impartial advice, the head-scratcher that confounds me is as follows. After introducing myself to someone (the bit I enjoy) what comes next? How is one supposed to 'continue' the association?
As crazy as it seems, I feel almost burnt-out after conquering the very first hurdle. To further the intrigue/complication, the better the initial impression I make, the more pressurized I feel into upholding a certain standard.

If you have any insight into what I'm talking about, then by all means throw your hat in (and give me your opinion).

 

[Unacceptance]

Just say hello to them and things like "How's it going?" or "good weekend?"

Bullshit smalltalk.

 

[wolfshadow]

Not an unreasonable suggestion Unacceptance (thank you for commenting) and definately an element of my approach that is in serious need of refurbishment. As hard as it may be to believe, one of the most important aspects of engagement to me is the capacity to make someone else laugh. If I don't think that I can accomplish this then, without a clear objective, I find small talk extremely taxing.

 

[Unacceptance]

I find smalltalk absolutely useless, mind numbing, and pretty uncomfortable. However I still engage in it. It's not about achieving and objective it's about showing that you are a human being to other people instead of being perceived as some sort of sociopath ogre.

It's just to feel more comfortable around people, so that your true personality can eventually show through (though that can be a whole new can of worms)

 

[wolfshadow]

Ah......that (true personality shining through). Does that really factor in as much as one might think though?

From countless years of observation, one of the key qualities enjoyed by those who are successful in social spheres, isn't whether they're a good or bad individual but how able they are to make others feel at ease in their company (which sort of dovetails back into what you were illustrating by pointing out the value of small talk).

Oddly enough this seems to be an area in which many sociapaths excel. A friend of my Mum's once worked with or for a British figure of notoriety named Fred West. By all accounts he was the life and soul of the party.

 

[Unacceptance]

You can't get anywhere even to life of the party status without at first being comfortable.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

It's not about the small talk or what you say...it's about being at ease.
especailly around women...she dosn't have to say much to me..or i can say to dumbest
thing to her....Her body talks to me.

The keys is not to make yourself feel greater or lesser than the person you're having
enteraction with.

Somtimes you don't even have to talk...just listen.
Some people will tell you half of thier lives story in the first 5 mins...At least they tell me.

It depends on the indiviual..that you're encountering.
If that person is dis engauge or have a lot of trouble on thier minds..
The most you can do is have small talks or crack jokes.
You can't take that personal.

I don't take myself too seriously all the time...so most of the poeple know
I'm easy going in person. I'll say the dumpest thing or somtimes tell people
stupid and funny situations in m life...if I don't feel like telling jokes.
Probably becuase i lived with air head blondes all my life and it kind of rubbed off on me.

Then again...I've been attending recovery groups for almost 20 years.
I try to reach out to new comers and make them feel at ease.
I'll just intruduce myself...and most of the time..they'll just talk and i listen.
I've also learn how to share in front of groups of people so I'm not afraid to lay everything
on the table and say whatever is on my mind..if I need to.
Just being able to have a lot of practice doing that for such as long time...it's more natural for me now.
I don't think too much about it. Not everyone is going to recieve me will..and not everyone is going
to reject me.

It just carries over to other area of my life. Then again when I was drinking and partying I never thought too much
about it either. Then again...probably it's becuase I live in CA and some of us Califorinians are easy going cool people

fresia...I used to scrub out "MANAGER " on my bussiness card all the freaken time. fresia the status.
I used to scribble "dude" on all the bussiness documents i had to sign...FFS.
Why ???...becuase the truth is..people don't give a fresia what your status is...they have thier own problems on thier mind.

In other words...if you were to approch me...I can easy tell you're not thinking about me..lmao

 

[EveWasFramed]

Well, small talk is fine, if it's engaging and interesting to the other person. I try to stay aware of current local and world events, so that if I DO meet someone I'd like to have a conversation with, I have something to talk to them about. To talk to someone, you have to have something that connects the two of you. For example, if you use the subway, and you've read that the city is increasing prices, or upgrading its system, it might be a good start to a conversation. lol, silly example, I know, but I think you get my point. Once the chat moves to being interesting to both parties, you move from "small talk" to actual conversation. So, the more you know, the more you have to talk about, even with a stranger. They likley read or watched the news last night as well. Once you start talking, at some point, more personal conversation will likely take place. ie: Where are you from, do you work near here, etc. Oh, and stay clear of your best "jokes"....they might not be as funny to the other person, as they are to YOU. lol
I dont know how men view such things, but being female, I don't mind having a conversation with a stranger if he/she is polite and doesnt go all stalker-ish on me. I'd much rather talk to someone who read the newspaper the night before, than someone who felt he had to do his standup comic routine for me. lmao But that's just me, and Im a bit of an oddball.

I hope some of this makes a small amount of sense.

 

[SophiaGrace]

well ask them a few questions about themselves people love that !

But dont go too deep. . Listen to them, scope them out...talk to thema bout mutual interests you might have.

Just be chill.

Though maybe I'm not a great person for advice because I feel like I dont have any close friends in real life

 

[Leatherbadge]

Carrying on conversations? Hah. That's the bane of my existence, there. Sometimes I think that all the principles of human communication (useless small-talk and all that) should be re-thought, to make it... well, easier. That, and take the edge of the intense pressure I bite back whenever talking to someone. I don't know, call it social anxiety.

Do you mean introducing yourself to someone for the first time, out of nowhere? If its a particularly long introduction, at that, I suppose it'd be harder for them to acquiesce your ascendancy to any another topic. You have to try quite earnestly to make every word out of your mouth flow, and flow smoothly. *Laughs.* I might not know what I'm talking about, but I've literally forced myself in the past, to have conversations particularly uncomfortable, bringing me to haphazardly pick up what my anxiety would otherwise completely block me from learning.

In a group conversation of, say, 3, I function amazingly. More are always welcome, because they fill all of the awkward gaps that usually kill it, and put less pressure on you to talk all the time. Meanwhile, I can squeeze in a clever comment every so often that awards me some laughs. Out of the blue, I found to be good at that kindof thing. One on one, though. Aye. I'm dead.

 

[wolfshadow]

Well, small talk is fine, if it's engaging and interesting to the other person. I try to stay aware of current local and world events, so that if I DO meet someone I'd like to have a conversation with, I have something to talk to them about. To talk to someone, you have to have something that connects the two of you. For example, if you use the subway, and you've read that the city is increasing prices, or upgrading its system, it might be a good start to a conversation. lol, silly example, I know, but I think you get my point. Once the chat moves to being interesting to both parties, you move from "small talk" to actual conversation. So, the more you know, the more you have to talk about, even with a stranger. They likley read or watched the news last night as well. Once you start talking, at some point, more personal conversation will likely take place. ie: Where are you from, do you work near here, etc. Oh, and stay clear of your best "jokes"....they might not be as funny to the other person, as they are to YOU. lol
I dont know how men view such things, but being female, I don't mind having a conversation with a stranger if he/she is polite and doesnt go all stalker-ish on me. I'd much rather talk to someone who read the newspaper the night before, than someone who felt he had to do his standup comic routine for me. lmao But that's just me, and Im a bit of an oddball.

I hope some of this makes a small amount of sense.

That makes a great deal of sense. Especialy the the bit about keeping abreast with with the current events because that provides a little stockpile of tidbits that you can share with anyone and it certainly beats an, oh-god-my-life-is-a-complete-mess, style introduction (even I can see the possible 'snags' in that approach ).

On the female front, in the real world, I tend to operate a policy of avoidance. I won't not talk to a woman, but doing so will only usually be as a response. This isn't a policy that I apply with any ethusiasm to be honest, but it does make thinks a lot simpler and lessens the scope for misunderstanding exponentially.

The consensus here seem to be that relaxation is the key which means I might just have to grit my teeth and accept the way things are for the moment because I can barely relax in my own company.
Never say never though.

Thanks for the input all.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Well, small talk is fine, if it's engaging and interesting to the other person. I try to stay aware of current local and world events, so that if I DO meet someone I'd like to have a conversation with, I have something to talk to them about. To talk to someone, you have to have something that connects the two of you. For example, if you use the subway, and you've read that the city is increasing prices, or upgrading its system, it might be a good start to a conversation. lol, silly example, I know, but I think you get my point. Once the chat moves to being interesting to both parties, you move from "small talk" to actual conversation. So, the more you know, the more you have to talk about, even with a stranger. They likley read or watched the news last night as well. Once you start talking, at some point, more personal conversation will likely take place. ie: Where are you from, do you work near here, etc. Oh, and stay clear of your best "jokes"....they might not be as funny to the other person, as they are to YOU. lol
I dont know how men view such things, but being female, I don't mind having a conversation with a stranger if he/she is polite and doesnt go all stalker-ish on me. I'd much rather talk to someone who read the newspaper the night before, than someone who felt he had to do his standup comic routine for me. lmao But that's just me, and Im a bit of an oddball.

I hope some of this makes a small amount of sense.

That makes a great deal of sense. Especialy the the bit about keeping abreast with with the current events because that provides a little stockpile of tidbits that you can share with anyone and it certainly beats an, oh-god-my-life-is-a-complete-mess, style introduction (even I can see the possible 'snags' in that approach ).

On the female front, in the real world, I tend to operate a policy of avoidance. I won't not talk to a woman, but doing so will only usually be as a response. This isn't a policy that I apply with any ethusiasm to be honest, but it does make thinks a lot simpler and lessens the scope for misunderstanding exponentially.

The consensus here seem to be that relaxation is the key which means I might just have to grit my teeth and accept the way things are for the moment because I can barely relax in my own company.
Never say never though.

Thanks for the input all.

The next level is body...contact.
Slight as it maybe...that's why sometimes when we greet people
with hand shakes...in the USA anyway.

I have a female friend ...we make alot of body contacts.
It's almost as if we're childhood friends. She's also open
to me things that are way...way beyound breaking the ice.
She'll come up to me and rub my back or put her arms around
me. When we communicate sometimes we'll stand shoulder to
shoulder with our bodies touching...relaxed and just talk about
whatever..serious conversations or just joking about.
A level of turst had been stablish....we can even talk about
if there's sometype of sexaul attractions we have...
We're both mature and open enough to each other.
We both respect each other enough to be truthful to each other
and knows what our bondaries are. The fear of rejection had
be disminished. No...I'm not her lover. I'm her friend.
Yes...yes the friendzone and it's okay.
She's not a pshyco ***** ..I don't find her attractive in that way...even though she's good looking.

When aprroching other women for the first time...I don't flip out no matter how good looking she is.
Knowing that I'm capiable of forming a healthy relationship with another human, male or female.

 

[ExtensivexLDL]

The key is finding something in common to talk about with the other person right away.. Things in common might be (no particular order): 1. the environment that you find yourself whilst in the company of the said individual(s) (depends on where you're situated) 2. Mutual friend(s) (if you're at a party for instance) 3. (not ACTUALLY a thing in common),, but you can start off by paying the other person compliments (what they're wearing, how much you like their this and that, etc.)
FINALLY: when all else fails .. and i mean when EVERYTHING fails.. mention something about the weather

 

[wolfshadow]

FINALLY: when all else fails .. and i mean when EVERYTHING fails.. mention something about the weather

I usually begin with the weather, a clue perhaps to where it may be going wrong

 

[Lonesome Crow]

well...I just got done spending an hour with my female friend.
Lots of body contacts as always. We joked around a little bit.
Then she started asking me some pretty deep striaght forward questions
and I answered them as striaght forward as I can. I'm at ease with her.
She cares about me alot as a person. She even tells me that she loves me.
She's getting closer and closer me as I open up myself to her.
Sometimes we have these heart to heart talks, but not always.
I'm having an intimate relationship with her and it has nothing to do with sex.
A pultonic relationship. I've only known her for 3 months.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

well..., i just got done spending another couple of hours with my female friend this morning.
We kind of hung out and just talk about whatever. We sit next to each other and lots
of body contacts as always.

It didn't happen over nite...our relationship/friendship did not happened over nite.

I was sort of feeling bad yesterday. I called her and left her a funni message.
She called me this morning and said we should spend some time together...I enjoy her company.
She gave me the biggest hug when she first saw me....i needed that.

 

[wolfshadow]

I must admit that I've never been one for tactile gestures, outside of an intimate relationship it jut seems so....informal. This is probably just down to my upbringing though and I do bend those rules once I've had a drink or two lol.

 

[jjam]

I think Eve has a **** good point up there. A lot of us may not like to admit it, but I'll just go on and admit it about myself right now. I suck at conversations probably because I am ignorant as hell. I don't know much about much. I know a lot about **** that **** near no one I speak to on a regular basis or could potentially speak to (a stranger) would give a **** about. It's why I keep telling myself to expand my horizons... get into doing MORE, and paying more attention to things happening in the world.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Ok....tonight I hung out with my female friend again. She brought another friend.
Ok, we all have something in common. This kind of got toss out in the open.
The girls are really into music...this is what I'm learning more about her and her friend.

She wrote a song and she sung it to me. She has the most beautiful vioce.

I turned her on to some of my music and she likes it.
She never knew I play the guitar...I never knew she can sing.

Now we're talking about recording and making music together.
It's a project we want to pursuit. We have a common bond or subject we can talk about all day long aside the weather.
An activity we can take a part in, have fun with one another and enjoy our time together.
Now..I know another person and my circle of friends is expanding.

It's also very healing for me...I miss making music. I miss playing in a band.
It's healing for the girls too. It's wierd that we all have our talents and no one had cared enough to asked us about.
And now..by the stroke of luck or destiny...that we're doing this. There's hope for all of us after all.
The second girl is really, really into this. It's like her spirit wants to sing and let it all out.
Imagine that...I, the horniest dude on this site gets to spend my days with 2 beautiful women and not talk about sex