Disclaimer: very long
(This is something I wrote on a blog 3 months ago and didn’t feel the need to re-write it. It was written clearly in depression and rage is a very clear glimpse into what I was going through at that moment. I’ll write an update of my current situation at the end):
I’ve lived a miserable life so far. I’ve been used and abused by my parents and when I was no longer of any use to them, they threw me away. I'm trapped in a lonely, solitary existence that I did not choose. I’m 6 hours away from home at uni and no one even calls me. If I don’t initiate a conversation it would be at least a month before my phone will ring. It is my mother calling to, “just to see if I’m still alive” as she so jokingly puts it. I’ve literally been a punching bag, a doormat. I was never allowed to have a voice so as an adult I’m now uptight, socially awkward, and don’t know how to be myself around people especially my own family. I don’t even know who “myself” is. I’ve done everything I’ve been told to do, even through physical and emotional abuse at the hands of my parents, I’m STILL the good daughter who wants to make them proud. My mom told me to go to school and get a job that makes “lots of money” so I can buy my “own house and cars, take care of myself, and travel everywhere. So that’s what I’ve done. I’ve struggled through a major that makes lots of money, which I don’t necessarily enjoy but hope will eventually “grow on me” because all the fields that I enjoyed didn’t “make enough money” to meet my money hungry mothers approval. So now I’m 3 months from graduating with my bachelors degree and I STILL have to go to graduate school and I don’t even know if I’ll get in since my grades are so low. Against my mothers wishes I’m taking a year break between because I mentally can’t take going straight to grad school in the fall. Maybe school wouldn’t be such hell for me if I at LEAST had support from the one person I’m in school for in the first place! I don’t even know what job I’ll get to pay my student loans in the meantime. I dread having to move back home. I just feel miserable and depressed. I cry a lot. I feel like I’ve wasted the last 5 years of my life living for someone else. I’ve been fooled into believing that materials and money are what bring someone happiness in life, but that’s not true. Now I’m 23 and I finally look up from behind the books and I have no friends. I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’m $60,000 in student loan debt and expected to take $20,000 more debt on for grad school. AND ALL FOR WHAT!? I have nothing to show for my life! Absolutely nothing. I guess I’m just expected to be alone with my degrees and money. I haven’t done one thing I’ve wanted to do in my entire life. I want to travel; I want to see the world. I want love and friendship and laughter. Those things will make me happy. But I don’t have any of it and don’t know if I’ll ever get it. I keep hearing “one day” …“one day”…“work hard and eventually you can do whatever you want”. It’s so stupid! I’ve wasted so much time; I’ve been tricked and fooled to take the advice of other miserable people. I’m disgusted with myself. I’m disgusted with my life. My future seems dim and bleak. I used to have so much hope and passion and believe anything was possible, but I have no hope anymore. I’m just so tired.
UPDATE: Here and there I do find some hope and things to make me happy but for the most part I feel the same. My mother has gotten off my back about grad school and that makes me feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I’ve since reworked my plans and given myself more career options that suit my interest, which makes me feel a little hopeful about my situation education wise. I graduate in three weeks and the only thing I need to focus on is getting a job. Once I get a job I hope to move out of my parent’s home within 3-4 months. I’m thinking I could be back in school within 1-2 years and the programs I’m looking at will be good for me because I won’t have to be in classrooms all day or taking out loans for living expenses and eating Ramon noodles. I can create some sort of life outside of academia, which I need now. For many people college is where they’re the happiest and most social, but for me it is actually where I am most lonely and I don’t think I can go through fulltime study like this again.
Although what was bringing me the most sadness 3 months ago is mostly resolved it has now moved on to other areas of my life and deepened. I’m now obsessed with my lack of social and love life and I experience so much nervousness at the thought of post grad life. I used to TRY to socialize and make friends but its senseless at this point because in a weeks time this will all be over and I’ll be moving back home. Now my days are going to school, then coming home and sitting in my room in the dark. Surfing the net and trying to watch some shows or movies that will entertain me. The only thing that gives me any kind of high is my newly acquired habit of excessive exercise, binge eating, and purging (aka bulimia).
I’m hoping it will get better. I’m praying this is just a “quarter life crisis” and excessive anxiety caused by making a new life transition. But I’m not sure. Although lonely, I’m generally a rational thinker but I kinda feel like “F-it!” this time. Where has my rational thinking got me so far?….exactly.
(This is something I wrote on a blog 3 months ago and didn’t feel the need to re-write it. It was written clearly in depression and rage is a very clear glimpse into what I was going through at that moment. I’ll write an update of my current situation at the end):
I’ve lived a miserable life so far. I’ve been used and abused by my parents and when I was no longer of any use to them, they threw me away. I'm trapped in a lonely, solitary existence that I did not choose. I’m 6 hours away from home at uni and no one even calls me. If I don’t initiate a conversation it would be at least a month before my phone will ring. It is my mother calling to, “just to see if I’m still alive” as she so jokingly puts it. I’ve literally been a punching bag, a doormat. I was never allowed to have a voice so as an adult I’m now uptight, socially awkward, and don’t know how to be myself around people especially my own family. I don’t even know who “myself” is. I’ve done everything I’ve been told to do, even through physical and emotional abuse at the hands of my parents, I’m STILL the good daughter who wants to make them proud. My mom told me to go to school and get a job that makes “lots of money” so I can buy my “own house and cars, take care of myself, and travel everywhere. So that’s what I’ve done. I’ve struggled through a major that makes lots of money, which I don’t necessarily enjoy but hope will eventually “grow on me” because all the fields that I enjoyed didn’t “make enough money” to meet my money hungry mothers approval. So now I’m 3 months from graduating with my bachelors degree and I STILL have to go to graduate school and I don’t even know if I’ll get in since my grades are so low. Against my mothers wishes I’m taking a year break between because I mentally can’t take going straight to grad school in the fall. Maybe school wouldn’t be such hell for me if I at LEAST had support from the one person I’m in school for in the first place! I don’t even know what job I’ll get to pay my student loans in the meantime. I dread having to move back home. I just feel miserable and depressed. I cry a lot. I feel like I’ve wasted the last 5 years of my life living for someone else. I’ve been fooled into believing that materials and money are what bring someone happiness in life, but that’s not true. Now I’m 23 and I finally look up from behind the books and I have no friends. I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’m $60,000 in student loan debt and expected to take $20,000 more debt on for grad school. AND ALL FOR WHAT!? I have nothing to show for my life! Absolutely nothing. I guess I’m just expected to be alone with my degrees and money. I haven’t done one thing I’ve wanted to do in my entire life. I want to travel; I want to see the world. I want love and friendship and laughter. Those things will make me happy. But I don’t have any of it and don’t know if I’ll ever get it. I keep hearing “one day” …“one day”…“work hard and eventually you can do whatever you want”. It’s so stupid! I’ve wasted so much time; I’ve been tricked and fooled to take the advice of other miserable people. I’m disgusted with myself. I’m disgusted with my life. My future seems dim and bleak. I used to have so much hope and passion and believe anything was possible, but I have no hope anymore. I’m just so tired.
UPDATE: Here and there I do find some hope and things to make me happy but for the most part I feel the same. My mother has gotten off my back about grad school and that makes me feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I’ve since reworked my plans and given myself more career options that suit my interest, which makes me feel a little hopeful about my situation education wise. I graduate in three weeks and the only thing I need to focus on is getting a job. Once I get a job I hope to move out of my parent’s home within 3-4 months. I’m thinking I could be back in school within 1-2 years and the programs I’m looking at will be good for me because I won’t have to be in classrooms all day or taking out loans for living expenses and eating Ramon noodles. I can create some sort of life outside of academia, which I need now. For many people college is where they’re the happiest and most social, but for me it is actually where I am most lonely and I don’t think I can go through fulltime study like this again.
Although what was bringing me the most sadness 3 months ago is mostly resolved it has now moved on to other areas of my life and deepened. I’m now obsessed with my lack of social and love life and I experience so much nervousness at the thought of post grad life. I used to TRY to socialize and make friends but its senseless at this point because in a weeks time this will all be over and I’ll be moving back home. Now my days are going to school, then coming home and sitting in my room in the dark. Surfing the net and trying to watch some shows or movies that will entertain me. The only thing that gives me any kind of high is my newly acquired habit of excessive exercise, binge eating, and purging (aka bulimia).
I’m hoping it will get better. I’m praying this is just a “quarter life crisis” and excessive anxiety caused by making a new life transition. But I’m not sure. Although lonely, I’m generally a rational thinker but I kinda feel like “F-it!” this time. Where has my rational thinking got me so far?….exactly.