L
Luna
Guest
I just...don't even know why I go on...
All along I deluded myself into believing that my family loved me for me.
But they love me out of obligation.
Their love is conditional...
I recall being told when I was young, that I was brought into this world so that I could financially support them in old age...
That it is my purpose as the eldest and the "smart" one out of my siblings...
The one relative.
The one that's closest to me.
Somehow turned the rest of my family against me.
Why do they believe her over me?
They KNOW her mouth spews up garbage, but they choose to listen to her and not me...
Why doesn't anyone listen to me?
My family constantly reminds me of how miserable I am...
How sensitive I am...
How too fragile for the world I am...
And I agree...
Because if I wasn't, I wouldn't care for their love...
They scold me from wanting to seek help from my doctor...
Saying that I'm bringing shame to the family...
That it's better to hide my problems and not lose face...
I don't know...
I'm in so much pain right now, but I don't know...
I wish I had a place to run to or someone to run to...
I want to run but I don't know where to go...
She doesn't even care about the pain she's caused me...
She's done it over and over again...
Laughs at me and calls me weak...
Some of the other family members, when I try to apologize and make things work, they'll ignore me because they want to upset me...
They've admitted to being emotionally manipulative...
I'll distance myself, and then be accused of being uncaring...
Which isn't true, so I run back...
And beg for their forgiveness...
And then the cycle repeats.
Yes, they have clothed me and fed me...
But all I am is an investment...
They put money into me, and expect that I put money back into them...
The only person that has shown me genuine love is my dad, but he died years ago...
He saved money for me to go to school, but I'll never see it...
I love my brothers, but they too are struggling...
I wish I could take them with me...
They are 17 and 13, but they have depression...
Sometimes I'm so blinded with my own problems, that I can't see theirs...
I don't live with them; each of us all live in separate homes because our family is constantly fighting...
They're selfish and manipulative...
The women in my family force us to take sides, and pit us against one another...
From an outsiders view, we look like a normal, healthy family...
Nice houses, friendly, stable respectable jobs, all married and no divorces, traditional...
But the women in my family are emotionally abusive...
I don't understand why the men in my family married them...
Why...
My father would come home, and the moment he stepped in the house, my mother would scream at him...
He would then lock himself in the bedroom, while she screamed the whole night and he would have to work the midnight shift again the day after...
I'm starting to see my family for what they are...
I've never talked about this side of them...
I just pretend it's okay...
We're fine and well...
But I don't know...
My first instinct is to run...
Run far, far away and never look back...
I love my brothers, but I want to move...
Just pack my bags and go...
If only I had the money...
I'm just waiting...
All along I deluded myself into believing that my family loved me for me.
But they love me out of obligation.
Their love is conditional...
I recall being told when I was young, that I was brought into this world so that I could financially support them in old age...
That it is my purpose as the eldest and the "smart" one out of my siblings...
The one relative.
The one that's closest to me.
Somehow turned the rest of my family against me.
Why do they believe her over me?
They KNOW her mouth spews up garbage, but they choose to listen to her and not me...
Why doesn't anyone listen to me?
My family constantly reminds me of how miserable I am...
How sensitive I am...
How too fragile for the world I am...
And I agree...
Because if I wasn't, I wouldn't care for their love...
They scold me from wanting to seek help from my doctor...
Saying that I'm bringing shame to the family...
That it's better to hide my problems and not lose face...
I don't know...
I'm in so much pain right now, but I don't know...
I wish I had a place to run to or someone to run to...
I want to run but I don't know where to go...
She doesn't even care about the pain she's caused me...
She's done it over and over again...
Laughs at me and calls me weak...
Some of the other family members, when I try to apologize and make things work, they'll ignore me because they want to upset me...
They've admitted to being emotionally manipulative...
I'll distance myself, and then be accused of being uncaring...
Which isn't true, so I run back...
And beg for their forgiveness...
And then the cycle repeats.
Yes, they have clothed me and fed me...
But all I am is an investment...
They put money into me, and expect that I put money back into them...
The only person that has shown me genuine love is my dad, but he died years ago...
He saved money for me to go to school, but I'll never see it...
I love my brothers, but they too are struggling...
I wish I could take them with me...
They are 17 and 13, but they have depression...
Sometimes I'm so blinded with my own problems, that I can't see theirs...
I don't live with them; each of us all live in separate homes because our family is constantly fighting...
They're selfish and manipulative...
The women in my family force us to take sides, and pit us against one another...
From an outsiders view, we look like a normal, healthy family...
Nice houses, friendly, stable respectable jobs, all married and no divorces, traditional...
But the women in my family are emotionally abusive...
I don't understand why the men in my family married them...
Why...
My father would come home, and the moment he stepped in the house, my mother would scream at him...
He would then lock himself in the bedroom, while she screamed the whole night and he would have to work the midnight shift again the day after...
I'm starting to see my family for what they are...
I've never talked about this side of them...
I just pretend it's okay...
We're fine and well...
But I don't know...
My first instinct is to run...
Run far, far away and never look back...
I love my brothers, but I want to move...
Just pack my bags and go...
If only I had the money...
I'm just waiting...