Freakin_Amazin
Well-known member
The phone doesn't ring.
It hasn't for some time, a reminder that I have very few friends, and all the things I have done wrong. For some reason the silence is comforting. I have gotten used to being alone, ever since I was in middle school and no one liked to be with me. At first I fought it, I tried to get myself into groups, tried to be normal I guess. But it didn't work. By the time I was in tenth grade I had accepted my role as a loner, not by choice, but by obligation.
It's been, what, five years since then? And I'm still the same old loner. Now it's just apathy that remains; I don't care much for keeping in touch with people, calling friends or whatever. I will write on facebook ocassionally, but I'm not addicted to any one means of communication, unlike most of the people from my generation. I never went to sleepovers, almost never went out to see movies with others my age when I was a kid, really never had the sort of "growing up" experiences most people have. I came to college with the combined experiences of a 13 year old. Only when I started living alone did I really grow up.
I went out with the friends I made, as I found out that college is a little bit different from middle and high school. When you have 15,000 students in one place at the same time you're bound to find people like yourself. So I went out to drink, find girls, dance (or try to). At first I thought it was the honeysuckle. This was real life, I told myself. It's what I've always wanted to have - the freedom to do as I wished. And in the degenerate society I was thrust into now, anything was possible, with a little bit of luck of course. And we all love our degenerate society.
So when I had the opportunity to finally have sex and lose my virginity I did what any redblooded male would do: I took it. Took me three years in college. I was 20. I wanted to be normal. And so I did it. Got into a relationship first because of the sex and then because I thought, if she's giving me this, it means she loves me, and third, because no girl had ever given me that much (or maybe, I think now, I hadn't allowed anyone to give me that much). What a naive thought, huh? Getting into a relationship for all the wrong reasons. I don't know why it had to happen this way. It's wierd how suddenly one realizes that the life you lead is empty, and you haven't done anything to make it change. It's sad to yearn for your youth and know you didn't live it to the fullest, to know it isn't coming back, and to live with that. It's hard to understand with a finality that kills dreams that oportunities come once, not twice, and if you miss it the first time you'd be lucky to get it again.
So here I am at home on a dreary day writing about how stupid I have been, in hindsight. I feel like the general who watches a battle from a faraway cliff and realizes that he is partly responsible for the carnage he sees, and that it is madness for a trivial cause. Is this life trivial? Is this all there is, just a mishmash of people, some marry, some divorce, some get killed, and some live to tell about it?
That's it for tonight. See you around.
It hasn't for some time, a reminder that I have very few friends, and all the things I have done wrong. For some reason the silence is comforting. I have gotten used to being alone, ever since I was in middle school and no one liked to be with me. At first I fought it, I tried to get myself into groups, tried to be normal I guess. But it didn't work. By the time I was in tenth grade I had accepted my role as a loner, not by choice, but by obligation.
It's been, what, five years since then? And I'm still the same old loner. Now it's just apathy that remains; I don't care much for keeping in touch with people, calling friends or whatever. I will write on facebook ocassionally, but I'm not addicted to any one means of communication, unlike most of the people from my generation. I never went to sleepovers, almost never went out to see movies with others my age when I was a kid, really never had the sort of "growing up" experiences most people have. I came to college with the combined experiences of a 13 year old. Only when I started living alone did I really grow up.
I went out with the friends I made, as I found out that college is a little bit different from middle and high school. When you have 15,000 students in one place at the same time you're bound to find people like yourself. So I went out to drink, find girls, dance (or try to). At first I thought it was the honeysuckle. This was real life, I told myself. It's what I've always wanted to have - the freedom to do as I wished. And in the degenerate society I was thrust into now, anything was possible, with a little bit of luck of course. And we all love our degenerate society.
So when I had the opportunity to finally have sex and lose my virginity I did what any redblooded male would do: I took it. Took me three years in college. I was 20. I wanted to be normal. And so I did it. Got into a relationship first because of the sex and then because I thought, if she's giving me this, it means she loves me, and third, because no girl had ever given me that much (or maybe, I think now, I hadn't allowed anyone to give me that much). What a naive thought, huh? Getting into a relationship for all the wrong reasons. I don't know why it had to happen this way. It's wierd how suddenly one realizes that the life you lead is empty, and you haven't done anything to make it change. It's sad to yearn for your youth and know you didn't live it to the fullest, to know it isn't coming back, and to live with that. It's hard to understand with a finality that kills dreams that oportunities come once, not twice, and if you miss it the first time you'd be lucky to get it again.
So here I am at home on a dreary day writing about how stupid I have been, in hindsight. I feel like the general who watches a battle from a faraway cliff and realizes that he is partly responsible for the carnage he sees, and that it is madness for a trivial cause. Is this life trivial? Is this all there is, just a mishmash of people, some marry, some divorce, some get killed, and some live to tell about it?
That's it for tonight. See you around.
