Amateur Therapists

[licorice]

Are you or do you know of anyone who's the kind of person everyone comes to with their problems? I've been getting that treatment quite a bit recently, especially online, and it's becoming overwhelming. My job consists mainly of working with others, and I have my own troubles...

I wouldn't mind so much if some of these people didn't talk over me like I'm not even a valid person. Just an object in the environment, there to make them feel better. Uninteresting and unlovable.

What do you think gives off that impression? How would one change to seem more like the kind of person others want a mutual interaction with?

 

[Sci-Fi]

I've had people come to me with their problems, asking for advice and what have you. Not sure why, maybe because when you aren't directly involved you can see things more clearly and objectively, and see things from more than once side.

Not sure what you mean by the rest of your post though. Are you saying that when you try to talk about your problems these people just start talking about theirs like yours mean nothing, or are not as important? I had a friend like that, she'd ask you what was wrong then would make it all about her and how much more horrible her life was. I stopped talking to her about my problems, and hers.

Those type of people aren't worth interacting with. It's hard to do sometimes when you just want to help people but when they can't reciprocate then they just aren't worth your time.

 

[licorice]

I've had people come to me with their problems, asking for advice and what have you. Not sure why, maybe because when you aren't directly involved you can see things more clearly and objectively, and see things from more than once side.

Not sure what you mean by the rest of your post though. Are you saying that when you try to talk about your problems these people just start talking about theirs like yours mean nothing, or are not as important? I had a friend like that, she'd ask you what was wrong then would make it all about her and how much more horrible her life was. I stopped talking to her about my problems, and hers.

Those type of people aren't worth interacting with. It's hard to do sometimes when you just want to help people but when they can't reciprocate then they just aren't worth your time.

They're just not interested in talking about anything but themselves. It would be one thing if we were close friends and they were going through some steep times where it was hard to think about anything else, but we don't know each other very well (or at all online).

A couple of the people online have launched straight into it, going from one aspect of their lives to the next with no pause. I am of no interest to these people except as an outlet.

Some people are more subtle. If I bring up television, technology, or culture, it gets a brief, disinterested response that might be no more than "yeah" or "that's cool." Once things die down, they change the subject to themselves.

Others just give a negative response to everything I ask about. Halloween sucked. The weekend sucked. They're sitting at home miserable because they were dumped or they had a fight with their boss. Oh, and by the way, their job sucks, too.

I do know it's not worth it, but... it's making me jaded about seeking out friendships. It's very tiresome to keep looking and trying not to judge too quickly, and I always leave feeling like I've had some of the life sucked right out of me. I prefer to keep my problems to forums where I don't feel like I'm directly burdening others, or to loved ones I know I can rely on.

 

[Seeker]

Yes, Licorice, I know one such person, myself. Let me share my story with you.

About 5 years ago I used to be exactly like you. I had so many people overwhelming me with their problems, and I always listened to them, thinking that this made me a good friend. Yet, when I tried to speak about my problems, they immediately changed the subject. It got to the point that I was so overloaded with problems that, in addition to my own issues at the time, I became depressed and ultimately suicidal. Worst period of my life. Finally, I've had enough and confronted people out front, telling them what they were doing to me and how it made me feel. Turns out that most of them didn't even know I felt that way, since I would always say yes to them, so they came to take it for granted. Once I confronted them, though, one of three things happened. Some left my life, in which case I realized they were not my friends at all, some continued to be in my life but never shared another problem with me again, and the third category apologized and tried listening to my problems too for a change. The third category includes the people who came up to be my best friends to this day.

My point is, if you tell people how you feel you get to see their true intentions. I got better after that, but spent years before advising people much. I do like doing it, though, so I found an outlet for this urge through this forum, maybe the fact that I can help people whom I don't know in real life is the best solution, since you offer advice when you feel like it.

 

[Mr.YellowCat]

Hey.
I think I can relate to what you are saying, at least the online thing. I too often searched for someone to talk to, not necessarily because of my own feels, but rather for talk alone, not to feel alone. But often I came up finding people that really, as you say, talked about nothing but themselves. I didnt force myself onto them, but I must admit that I often felt saddened that they didnt even ask a question about me. I dont know if most of the people I met are like this. But I met some nice people as well So I guess its just a communication incompatibility?
I dont know how you acted, but I spent quite a few hours listening to them, thinking about them, how to help them, and quite often felt really bad by not being able to help them.

All I wrote is concerning online communication only. I do not get the feel you were asking about non-online communication.
Wish you luck

But to get to your point. I do not know what to tell you, as I have the same problem I dont know how you should act or what to do.
But I may have one suggestion. Maybe try to connect to people with interests, rather than problems. Maybe if you seek people who are interested in books, anime, cooking, sports, or something, the problems wont come up, but rather the conversation. And the talking about problems will come later, as a consequence of you getting close. By being close, not being under that anonymous barrier as wide it is during one random encounter on the web, one may be interested in the problems of others. Like that, I think, and hope, you could encounter someone with whom the conversation would be equal.

I hope I helped you at least a bit. I hope you will overcome this, and find someone who you can talk with freely.

 

[Sci-Fi]

I had a friend who sucked the life right out of me, it was horrible and exhausting to try and help her through her troubles. She would never take any of my advice (and not to toot my own horn but I was right) and then she'd call me up crying and expect me to make her feel all better, and would even tell me she should have listened to me. Made it hard to be sympathetic to someone who does that when all you want to do is club them over the head. Near the end of our friendship I would just tell her not to ask me my opinion or advice if she wasn't going to take it. I just couldn't do it anymore.

People like that just aren't worth you time. You know what you do, the ones that seem to have no interest and steer the conversation to themselves all the time, do the same back to the them. Turn it around and see what happens. They'll probably accuse you of doing the same thing you are talking about here, not realizing that is what they do. But it should get them off your back.

The thing with general conversation like tv or culture is that some don't have the interest in it or know what to say. So the best they can do is make a short simple reply, its a way of acknowledging what they said even if they don't have anything to expand on from it.

 

[ladyforsaken]

I had a friend who sucked the life right out of me, it was horrible and exhausting to try and help her through her troubles. She would never take any of my advice (and not to toot my own horn but I was right) and then she'd call me up crying and expect me to make her feel all better, and would even tell me she should have listened to me. Made it hard to be sympathetic to someone who does that when all you want to do is club them over the head. Near the end of our friendship I would just tell her not to ask me my opinion or advice if she wasn't going to take it. I just couldn't do it anymore.

That sounds rough. Sometimes there is only so much that you can do for someone.. just gotta know when to stop trying before you give yourself out too much and get hurt in the end.

 

[Rosebolt]

I had a friend who sucked the life right out of me, it was horrible and exhausting to try and help her through her troubles. She would never take any of my advice (and not to toot my own horn but I was right) and then she'd call me up crying and expect me to make her feel all better, and would even tell me she should have listened to me. Made it hard to be sympathetic to someone who does that when all you want to do is club them over the head. Near the end of our friendship I would just tell her not to ask me my opinion or advice if she wasn't going to take it. I just couldn't do it anymore.

That sounds exactly like a situation i've had. I still feel guilty for dropping her. It just feels wrong. I just wasn't good enough. Maybe i should try to contact her again. If i can bear the shame.

 

[Serena]

Hello there licorice!

I can relate to your story, although there haven't been too many people sharing their most precious inner life with me. I was always considered a person who would listen at any time and give advice, and I especially know the situation when you try to steer the conversation into a different direction but nobody cares about it and/or they ignore you. It still happens to me that I get ignored a lot, even by people who like me, and it still hurts every time you feel like you're not even there.

I am not quite sure if I can give any advice concerning your problem, but maybe you should be more "aggressive" when talking so you can direct where the conversation is going. You should start talking, keep the talk alive as much as you can, try to be dominant. Otherwise, I wouldn't really know what you can do if people just have a tunnel vision because they only see their own pain. Remember that if you talk to people with severe social and personal problems, it is likely that they will only want to get their worries off their chest to feel better, it is normal to be more self-centered when you feel depressed (at least, that is my viewpoint/opinion). Maybe keep those talks shorter so you can spend some time of the day with something/someone that makes you feel better? Just my simple ideas^^

If you ever feel like you need someone for intense discussions or just fooling around, send me a message. I have a ton of different interests and I almost always have an opinion about it as well. Since I know how rude it is to reply with one-word sentences, be assured that I will not make use of those unless it is suitable (who knows?).

So yeah, I hope I could help in any possible way^^

 

[Midnight Sky]

Those kinds of people look for "void fillers", which is you. You're only there as a temperary outlet, while they are "waiting" for more meaningful people to show up again. Like a long term friend, or something. They almost always have some close circle jerker that they can't live without, and must go running to the nearest sucker that'll hold them over til they are "saved" by their hero.

You are right that they don't care about you. Deal with enough of them, and you can see them coming from a mile away and dispatch them easily. You deserve people that will hold real value in your time.

 

[ladyforsaken]

That sounds exactly like a situation i've had. I still feel guilty for dropping her. It just feels wrong. I just wasn't good enough. Maybe i should try to contact her again. If i can bear the shame.

You can do it, Sai.

 

[Midnight Sky]

I don't think Sai should. The situation will not be any different. It almost never is. The guilt is there because it went against your moral to do so. It's natural and ok to feel guilty over that, but understand that at some point, you need to put your own feelings before another. It is not right though to be taken advantage or have your soul siphoned away by inconsiderate people.

 

[ladyforsaken]

I don't think Sai should. The situation will not be any different. It almost never is. The guilt is there because it went against your moral to do so. It's natural and ok to feel guilty over that, but understand that at some point, you need to put your own feelings before another. It is not right though to be taken advantage or have your soul siphoned away by inconsiderate people.

If you are a good friend to someone like this, and you know you can't do anything more to help them - all you can do is really just support them. It doesn't mean you give yourself to that person, but to still keep in touch and be a friend, talk to them, check up on them, keep them company etc. Unless that person pushes you away? Then I'd say all right, no point, since that person doesn't even want you there.

 

[Midnight Sky]

Unless that person pushes you away? Then I'd say all right, no point, since that person doesn't even want you there.

This right here. They want you there, but they are not aware that their actions(or rather, they are not aware of the level of intensity of their actions)is pushing the person away.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Unless that person pushes you away? Then I'd say all right, no point, since that person doesn't even want you there.

This right here. They want you there, but they are not aware that their actions(or rather, they are not aware of the level of intensity of their actions)is pushing the person away.

Hmm.. then perhaps as a friend, if you realise that's the case.. what would you do? Keep supporting anyway or leave that person alone?

 

[dustgollum]

Hi licorice,
I've been that person and still am, went through a very similar experience to Seeker's post. I think it's easier for people to talk about their problems online for obvious reasons, and that's why if you show any empathy or kindness you have the potential to become a huge magnet for everyone's emotional venting.
It can be very overwhelming, especially if you have your own issues, and hurts a great deal when you discover most of them don't really care when you're the one who needs help. I call those types 'emotional vampires'.
The best way I've found to combat this and protect yourself is also similar to what Seeker said - you can find out easily enough if these people really care about you or not. If I know they're going to do it no matter what, I don't talk to them on a personal level. I change the subject or leave their space. I still want to help people, but I'm much more picky nowadays about which people I will spend the energy on. It took a lot of pain and feeling rejected for me to come to that conclusion, and a lot fewer people talk to me in my online world now, but that's ok.
I don't know how you become that person people want to mutually react with, I wish I did. I can do that on a casual level with some, but it seems most people only want that casual level. Let me know if you find an answer for that one!

 

[Solivagant]

I am one of those people, and I've been in the same situations as the other posters.

I don't have much else to add to what they've already said, at the moment.

 

[Rosebolt]

Hmm.. then perhaps as a friend, if you realise that's the case.. what would you do? Keep supporting anyway or leave that person alone?

I did the first, for a very long time. Trust me. It really drains to just check up on people when they are like that.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Hmm.. then perhaps as a friend, if you realise that's the case.. what would you do? Keep supporting anyway or leave that person alone?

I did the first, for a very long time. Trust me. It really drains to just check up on people when they are like that.

Makes me wonder what I would do and how far I could go.