Apathetic and disengaged

[Cavonnier]

I joined this forum last week and I've been meaning to post a rant on this forum, but I didn't feel the motivation to do so until now.

As I revealed in a post on the relationships forum, I'm trying (and failing) to overcome a devastating breakup that included infidelity on the part of my girlfriend. While this by itself is good cause for somebody to be upset, it's also made me acutely aware of how lonesome I am.

Ever since sixth grade or so, I've been somewhat of an outcast. I'm strongly introverted and I've always had obscure interests. I seldom become interested in mainstream activities.

It doesn't help how I left my home state in 2008 and moved across the country for career purposes. My job is great, but lately it has started to feel routine and I feel like I don't have much room for advancement. Also, I have to work weekends, which makes it difficult to meet people because so many social activities are held those days.

And while I'd love to meet more people and have a better social life, it doesn't help when you feel like you have little in common with most people. I don't care about the local sports teams, I don't care about popular television shows, I don't care about upcoming movie releases, and I don't care about current music. I stopped following politics when I realized it was only making me cranky and cynical. I'm agnostic, so I can't find refuge in faith or a church community. These were underlying issues before the breakup, but until the end I remained passionate about my relationship.

It's hard to say what I am passionate about these days. I guess I'm in a rut. I'm a firm believer one should either make the necessary changes in their lives to be happy or stop complaining, but I frankly I have no idea what changes I need to make. I have gone out a few times to try to meet new people, but it seems like the conversation inevitably stalls, which makes even more painful knowing I had somebody who seemed to understand me before she broke my heart.

I don't know what to do. Is there anybody else here who deals with such feelings of apathy and disengagement? Maybe I should see a therapist? Maybe I have depression and I need medication? Maybe I need to return to my native state? Maybe I need to just ride out this painfully slow healing process? I'm definitely open to advice and suggestions!

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Since you had just gone through a traumatic
Even in your life.....yes, break ups are truamatic
For everyone..

Maybe its just your brain sort of shuting
Itself down so you dont going system overload.
thats why it feels like youre dis enguage to everything
In life....

But our career or employers dosnt care too much
about your personal life...their main focus is
Profit...

Maybe just give yourself sometime to heal.
Try not to worry so much about all these other
Things that will stress you out more....

Yes, its natural for you to try to correct
Conditions in your life.

 

[Phaedron]

Went through the same thing in the beginning of 2010. No matter how you try to handle it, you're going to continue to feel this way for I'd say about a year, depending on how serious it was and how much damage was done.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

The more you heal..the more you will feel or
See things differently...

Break ups with infidelity can really twist your mind.
Its very hurtful. Abd all ypu cam do is revolved
It within yourself

You simply just need ro heal. First and formost.

 

[Cavonnier]

Went through the same thing in the beginning of 2010. No matter how you try to handle it, you're going to continue to feel this way for I'd say about a year, depending on how serious it was and how much damage was done.

A year? Yikes! The thought of me feeling this way in December scares me. It's been only 3 1/2 months since this crisis began and I'm already weary of only going through the motions to get through each day.

It'd be easier if I felt confident I'd soon be able to meet somebody new who understands me for who I am, but I fear it's going to take a long time. I've been attracted to only a few women in my life, and so far only one had wanted to be my girlfriend. And it turns out she wanted to be with somebody else.

Speaking on a wider level, I think I yearn to feel like I belong to something bigger. I feel like I'm on an island of dorkiness and apathy. While I wouldn't wish this upon anybody else, I'm glad I found this forum because I feel like I belong, if only in a group of other people who also feel like they don't belong.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

It dosnt have to take a year..it takes what it takes.
Longer than a year for some.

I jumped into another relationship to
Early. So that didnt worked to well either.
Idk if that was the right thing...but
She was well informed.

It also depends how much emotional investment
You have for your ex.
Becuase i ended getting back with her.

It might be helpful to set sometype of a deadline.
so you dont prolong the grirving process.

Im single again. It hasnt been that long.
I do go out and play. Hang out with friends.
Met different women...ect its not a moral
Issue for me.

My heart still feels unsettled no matter what
I do. Act the sametime i cant sit home. Either.
It dosnt work for me.

---

I might come off as a womenizer to some people
but its not how i feel. I rather be with my ex
More than anything. But life hasnt delt that hand
At the moment.. or wish i can fall in love and love
Another woman as much as my ex...at this moment
I havnt met a woman that i have those my ex.

Its not even about thier looks becuase i met
Beautiful women. Nor its even about my confidence..
im just going through whatever funk at the moment.

 

[Cavonnier]

It also depends how much emotional investment
You have for your ex.
Becuase i ended getting back with her.

...

I rather be with my ex
More than anything. But life hasnt delt that hand
At the moment.. or wish i can fall in love and love
Another woman as much as my ex...at this moment
I havnt met a woman that i have those my ex.

One thing that frustrates me is how, despite how horrifically she treated me, I still long to be with her. Why would I want to be in a relationship with somebody who betrayed and deceived me like she did? I think it's related to how I have such a difficult time connecting with most people. Even with my closest friends, there's eventually a point where I run out of things to say and the conversation stalls. But with her, I could talk for hours and hours, and I could also enjoy spending hours together with her in silence.

I talked to her over the telephone on Tuesday night and she said, "I guess I never knew what I had given up until it was gone" and even said "Never said never," which seems to imply there's at least a small part of her that would like to get back together with me. The problem is that there's nothing she could do or say right now that would prove to me she's 100% committed and that she wouldn't make another screw up. If we got back together, I wouldn't be able to enjoy it because I'd be living in constant fear she'd stray from me again or wouldn't be able to handle moving from her native state to live with me.

So, like you, I fear I'll never love somebody as much as I loved her, and having friends tell me, "It's her loss!" or "You'll meet somebody else!" gives me no reassurance or consolation at this point. There are few people I want to be friends with, much less have as a girlfriend. Right now, I feel like my disengagement is not only making it impossible to make friends, but is also preventing me from once again experiencing the romance I had with her.

In your case, it seems frustrating meeting other people but not being able to fully experience what you once had. It's amazing and depressing how we, as humans, can let others affect our emotions and psyche so much.

 

[passage]

Very simply, TRY to move on. Really try hard, and then later try to forgive and/or forget about her. She cheated on you, and is now just stringing you along because she is probably an attention whore, or takes satisfaction at the fact that she can fresia with your head so much, and the fact that you still want to be with her. Move on, do and think about other things. Don't become insane, looking for a "chance" encounter with her since you probably know some of her habits/hobbies...etc.

Doing this is a lot harder than it sounds.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Yes, my friend tells me the samething.
I know care and wants me to feel better.

Ive gone through a divorce before.

And ive gone several rounds with Sassy
So its not as,if i dont know how to move
On with my life.

As wierd as it was..my exwf actaully
contacted me and kind of talk me
Through it. It eased my pains a liitle
Bit.....if any other woman i would have
That love for..it would be my exwf....
But thats not going to work cuase she's
Married and moved on with her life....

Thats why i say.....at this moment.
At this particular junction in my life.
Its how i feel...i dont like feeling this way.
Im not jumping for joy..
Im just doing the best as i can

---

I dont even know if i want sassy back in my
Life at this moment. I know i still love her.

Its just weird. Its not normal how im feeling.

Maybe i might wake up tomorrow or
Next week feeling differnt.
Maybe sassy and i might be able to work through this
Somehow.
Maybe i might run into a person thatll ill be
Heads over heels for.....idk
So i get up everyday and still have those
Sort of hope.

Not feeling it today....though.

---

And i don't wanna be feeling this way for a year
Either....
Its like someone telling me im gonna tortured
For another year....lol

---

Very simply, TRY to move on. Really try hard, and then later try to forgive and/or forget about her. She cheated on you, and is now just stringing you along because she is probably an attention whore, or takes satisfaction at the fact that she can fresia with your head so much, and the fact that you still want to be with her. Move on, do and think about other things. Don't become insane, looking for a "chance" encounter with her since you probably know some of her habits/hobbies...etc.

Doing this is a lot harder than it sounds.

That dose not help....
Banging chick half my age is like forgiving
And forget maintenance...

Think she's a pyscho *****..is about as a banage
As it gonna get?

You actually know how many times ive forgive
And forget? Pray to god....let go
Listen to forgivenesss meditations ?

Almost every other day...

 

[Cavonnier]

As wierd as it was..my exwf actaully
contacted me and kind of talk me
Through it. It eased my pains a liitle
Bit.....if any other woman i would have
That love for..it would be my exwf....
But thats not going to work cuase she's
Married and moved on with her life....

Thats why i say.....at this moment.
At this particular junction in my life.
Its how i feel...i dont like feeling this way.
Im not jumping for joy..
Im just doing the best as i can

---

I dont even know if i want sassy back in my
Life at this moment. I know i still love her.

Its just weird. Its not normal how im feeling.

Maybe i might wake up tomorrow or
Next week feeling differnt.
Maybe sassy and i might be able to work through this
Somehow.
Maybe i might run into a person thatll ill be
Heads over heels for.....idk
So i get up everyday and still have those
Sort of hope.

Not feeling it today....though.

---

Heh, I actually sought out an ex (of sorts...it was complicated) for advice on this issue. I'm glad I did, and I'm glad my romantic feelings for her faded enough that I could have friendly dialogue with her. I'd like to one day have the same with Anna, but I think it's going to take a LONG time before my bitter and romantic feelings subside to the point where I can be "just friends" with her.

It's wonderful being with that special person who completes you, but it makes it that much rougher if it comes to an end because you are left wondering if you'll be able to find somebody else who is like that. I wish I had some advice for you, but I'm experiencing the same thing myself!

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I didnt sought Chelle...she makes it her habit
To come after me when Sassy messes me up.
Thats how i met Chelle...she asked me out
6 months after Sassy and i brole up the first
Time.

Actually Chelle was rather very angery at me.
So for her to reach out to me was some sort
Of divine intervention. Shes said she been
Praying for me to be happy...and god told
Her to reach out to me..

She still calls me honey and tells me she still
Loves me very much. Talks to me like she
Used too when were married.
And she still not afriad to tell me Im an
******* for not following her instructions.lol
She too know how to give me those bitter
Sweet feeling....