Are you ALONE rather than 'lonely'?

[BornMisfit]

My situation is the state of being ALONE rather than simply being LONELY. I've read some of the postings and the members all seem to have connections; some are married, others have parents, or other family, or friends - so they don't know what it's like to actually be ALONE although their sense of loneliness may be profound.

I am 100% alone in the world; no family at all, and for the past ten years not a single friend of any kind (not even in the most casual sense). So my issue is one of total aloneless, and so far although I'm sure there must be others like me in the world I've not yet encountered anyone the same.

So my question is... are you also alone, like me? It would be interesting to find out. Thanks.

 

[h i]

what about online friends?

i have my mother for family.

thats about it.

 

[Elieser]

Very interesting thread. I know what you mean. I have no contact whatsoever with my relatives. I have two people I sometimes spend time with, but I tend to avoid them most of the time for the simple reason that every time we meet it's all about drinking far too much for far too long - no real connection there, then.'

You have been completely shut off from all manner of social interaction for ten years? If anything, I'm impressed. So what is the reason for this? As you can see by my post count I'm fairly new to this site, so I don't know how common it is to be utterly shut off, but reading your post, you're the closest thing to, well, me I've seen so far.

My problem is that I like being alone most of the time, which has alienated the friends I used to have. What would you say is the reason for your aloneness?

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I'm currently single. I have family and friends. This is the longest time I've very been single. I've pretty much have been in relationships most of my life.
The last 5 years of the last relationship I felt lonely and alone It was actaully weird to experince that. I never thought a relationship or my life would
turned out like that. My ex-gf relasped in her addictions and alcoholism. It was like living with Dr. Jeckle and Mrs Hyde...Eventaully Mrs Hyde took over.
I didn't even know who she was or turned into anymore. It was a struggle becuase I cared for her and didn't want her to die. She's so far gone..it's like
she's been pocess by some demonic demond.

I suffered PTDS living with her. I was mentally and emotionally torn up..I couldn't even think straight anymore. I couldn't focus.
Simple common task became a struggle for me. After the break up...I felt very, very lost and alone...it was very difficult to
break away from that toxic relationship.
Jenni stood by my side through all of that..we became close friends.
After Jenni died. i isolate myself...I felt very alone and lonely. Jenni and I were very close.
Jenni didn't drink. She was totally the opposite of my crazy ex-gf.
I guess she loves me that's why she understood me.
I guess I love her becuase we connected at many levels. i could talk to her about anything.
Jenni knew I was a very private person and only let a few people into my life..She was the same way.

I've been recoverying from that. I knew I needed to heal. I've also been working on myself.

I'm doing much much better today. I don't feel lonely or alone anymore.
I don't desperately feel the need to jump into another relationship.
There's only one person in this world that I would consider having a relationship with at the moment.
If that dosn't happen...i don't really know what to sAY. I'll crosss that bridge when I get there...if that bridge even exist.
Most likely I'll probably take the same approch as I did when I met her.
I was just minding my own bussiness, not really looking for anyone...Actaully I told myself "no more women" that day.lmaO
And hour later she asked me out and knocked my socks off...

Basically that how I also got together with Jenni...I was minding my own bussiness and was actaully okay being single.
At first it was kind of scary to live alone...I've had never lived alone before..After the innitial roller coster. I mellow out
and came to relization that I was okay. I learned a lot about myself in those 3 months.
I didn't see or heard from Jenni for 3-4 months. She thought I was still in a relationship with my EX...
She called me out of blues and asked me out...I guess a little birdie told her I was single.

I work with my long time friend at the moment...
I also work with the public so...I see all kinds of people and have to inneract with people all day long.

Well..I guess it kind of helped...becuase when I was younger. I had all kinds of friends that I used to hang out or party with.
It took me a while to adjust....actaully I kind of had a hard time adjusting...that's why my sweetheart was tripping.lol
For two years after my divorce...I used to drink and party hardie all the time...Gosh I can't remember half the people I met and the crazy stuff I used to do.
I guess I had to get that out of my system, epxerinced it for what it was so I don't feel like I'm missing anything if I wasn't the light of the party or getting drunk
doing crazy honeysuckle. It was fun while it lasted.

Anyway, I've been in long term relationships for a long..long time..I became a daddy. When you're a daddy your social status gose to non exsistence.
That's when I met my friend. I only had around 3-4 friends that used to come visit regularly...without drinking or partying involved.
We bascailly just hung out. Most of my time was dedicated to rasing my step daughters. I love them very much.
I wanted to give them something I didn't have as a child. A loving stable home that they can grow up in.
I was adandent as a child so...I kind of raised them not exactly as my parents raised me. I treated my duaghters as my equal and always encourage them.
Most important I let them know they were loved no matter what. Bascailly my gf and duaghters were my closest friends at that piont in time of my life.
My daughters never saw me drunk. I bascailly came home every night and play with them. On weekends we would do family things together.

 

[BornMisfit]

what about online friends?

i have my mother for family.

thats about it.

First of all; be glad you have your mother. When I only had my mother left I didn't think much of it either, but now she's also gone and I have no-one at all, believe me it's VERY different to having just her. So please make the most of it and appreciate her - she only has YOU also.

'Online friends' ??? there's no such thing unless you already know them as real life people. How can a 'virtual' person be a real friend? I don't believe in that delusion. No-one on this site nor any other site can pop round for a cup of tea and a chat, to laugh together, to be silly together, let alone do anything a real friend would do like care or phone or wonder how I'm doing or if I'm okay. Virtual 'friends' are a fantasy that exists only in the mind.

---

Very interesting thread. I know what you mean. I have no contact whatsoever with my relatives. I have two people I sometimes spend time with, but I tend to avoid them most of the time for the simple reason that every time we meet it's all about drinking far too much for far too long - no real connection there, then.'

You have been completely shut off from all manner of social interaction for ten years? If anything, I'm impressed. So what is the reason for this? As you can see by my post count I'm fairly new to this site, so I don't know how common it is to be utterly shut off, but reading your post, you're the closest thing to, well, me I've seen so far.

My problem is that I like being alone most of the time, which has alienated the friends I used to have. What would you say is the reason for your aloneness?

My reasons for being alone... I only had a small family and they, plus my husband, are all dead. I used to have a super circle of friends and had an extremely hectic work and social life, but I got very sick from a virus and this took me out of the loop completely from social contact. Steadily my friends who were all very socially oriented fell away. I don't blame them at all for this, plus most of it was due to me 'pushing' them away, because I couldn't cope with anyone seeing me debilitated and feeble as I'd always been such a strong active person. After a few years of managing on my own I started feeling physically better, but I'd lost my personal confidence and all my social links. Plus I guess because my mentality and personality had changed due to all this it also meant that people avoided me anyway, and since I've found that I've lost the ability to make friends. The longer it goes the more out of touch I am about making friends, plus at my age (mid-40s) it's so much more difficult than it was in my 20s as people my age have established friends and family now, and don't have the need to make an entirely new friend. I've had some extremely close dear dear friends in the past, plus a loving husband, so I know I do get along with a few people in every thousand; however it's finding them that's the problem, and honestly I can't make the effort anymore, because at this stage I've settled into my aloneness and it's my state of being, so even if a super person did come along, I'm not sure how I would handle it anyway! Oh, and don't think I'm depressed - I got over the 'poor me' syndrome years ago!

 

[Elieser]

I beg to differ about your claim that online friends are a fiction. For the most part you're right, but I have an email friend whom I met on a forum, and for the last four years we've been emailing each other several times a day, and I've even been to visit him (he lives in England, I in Sweden) a couple of times. He's the best friend I ever had, and in a very real, present sense.

 

[EveWasFramed]

'Online friends' ??? there's no such thing unless you already know them as real life people. How can a 'virtual' person be a real friend? I don't believe in that delusion. No-one on this site nor any other site can pop round for a cup of tea and a chat, to laugh together, to be silly together, let alone do anything a real friend would do like care or phone or wonder how I'm doing or if I'm okay. Virtual 'friends' are a fantasy that exists only in the mind.

---

---

Unequivocally untrue. And...

"Oh, and don't think I'm depressed - I got over the 'poor me' syndrome years ago!"

If you think depression is a "poor me" sydrome, then you really must not be well informed on the subject.

 

[cheaptrickfan]

'Online friends' ??? there's no such thing unless you already know them as real life people. How can a 'virtual' person be a real friend? I don't believe in that delusion. No-one on this site nor any other site can pop round for a cup of tea and a chat, to laugh together, to be silly together, let alone do anything a real friend would do like care or phone or wonder how I'm doing or if I'm okay. Virtual 'friends' are a fantasy that exists only in the mind.

This is not true. I am part of a small group of close friends who first met through an online parenting message board. Through the years as our kids grew, we got closer and closer. We've met up IRL many times now.

They aren't "virtual," neither are they casual acquaintances. These women were the ones who got me through the early days after my husband left me, and they've been there for me ever since.

Absolutely I wish they lived closer so we could all pop round for coffee and a chat, but most of us manage to talk with one another every day.

My reasons for being alone... I only had a small family and they, plus my husband, are all dead. I used to have a super circle of friends and had an extremely hectic work and social life, but I got very sick from a virus and this took me out of the loop completely from social contact. Steadily my friends who were all very socially oriented fell away. I don't blame them at all for this, plus most of it was due to me 'pushing' them away, because I couldn't cope with anyone seeing me debilitated and feeble as I'd always been such a strong active person. After a few years of managing on my own I started feeling physically better, but I'd lost my personal confidence and all my social links. Plus I guess because my mentality and personality had changed due to all this it also meant that people avoided me anyway, and since I've found that I've lost the ability to make friends. The longer it goes the more out of touch I am about making friends, plus at my age (mid-40s) it's so much more difficult than it was in my 20s as people my age have established friends and family now, and don't have the need to make an entirely new friend. I've had some extremely close dear dear friends in the past, plus a loving husband, so I know I do get along with a few people in every thousand; however it's finding them that's the problem, and honestly I can't make the effort anymore, because at this stage I've settled into my aloneness and it's my state of being, so even if a super person did come along, I'm not sure how I would handle it anyway! Oh, and don't think I'm depressed - I got over the 'poor me' syndrome years ago!

I am very sorry to hear of your losses, sickness and subsequent isolation, and I can understand where your bitterness comes from, but you are mistaken if you think that depression is merely a shitty, "poor me" mindset.

Chronic depression is about as much a figment of a person's imagination as low insulin levels in a diabetic. Please have some more respect for those of us out there who may be suffering from depression or other mental ailments.


On a general, somewhat-related note: It disgusts me how mental illness is either brushed away completely as if it were entirely a matter of will, or treated as a terrible stigma.

 

[Bluey]

The accrual being physically alone doesn't bother me that much. I can go days with out seeing anyone.
But even when I am around other ppl I still do feel alone.

I do have family. All though they do sometimes make me feel moor alone then I think I would if I did not have them.
Sometimes its moor lonely to be with ppl then to stay at home alone.

I do have some friends. But they all have other ppl to put first be for me.
I Guss that's one reason am having to spend new years alone.

 

[Badjedidude]

Well now you have 3 acquaintances! The list is growing!

How ya doing, birdfly?

----Steve