BANNING MEMBERS

[jales]

When I came to this site, and at certain points I was suicidal. And I did not always say the most polite things.

I think we mostly know that the reason most people are here is because in some way they have been rejected by people in the non-cyber world.

Banning people in the place where they have come when they are lonely feels really wrong. What if someone is banned here and that night they really have no one and try to kill themselves. And succeed.

Yes it sounds far fetched but I say this also because; this is going to sound bad, but I remember one night when I had no net and I tried to call someone but they were busy, I felt so rejected and I had no net, no alonelylife (yea I know i'm a crazy person) but yes I did really come way tooooo close to suicide.

I was lucky the only thing I had was pills that didnt do anything but make me sick.

My point is that I'm asking the moderators to

one...please try not to make people regardless of how mean they may seem feel unwanted, or rejected, because believe me that just adds to their pain. And yes you can stick up for someone a person insults without making the person themselves feel bad.

And two.. is it at all possible to ban people but restrict them to their own section of the forum so that they can still be a part of alonelylife and so that others can talk to them and they can talk to each other but so that they can not post in every single section?

Like in the same way that guest were able to post in only one section. If it is possible and the only issues is lack of a moderator, then I volunteer to be one of the moderators for this section.

Anyway this goes out to the moderators, and everyone in fact. Do you'll think this is a good idea? Do you'll think it is possible?

 

[Nyktimos]

I do think that here of all places a little sympathy should be shown to those suffering from a skewed perspective. I wasn't suicidal when I registered here. My posts were mainly positive, and I always felt that if I have nothing positive to post I shouldn't post. Lately I have been suicidal and it changes everything I do. I do my job with less care. I talk to people with less care. I've started smoking again after three years of giving up. And I've read back some of my posts and thought 'wtf were you thinking posting that'. I'm a different person right now. Desperate thoughts change someone.

Moderating a site like this is bound to be a hell of a lot harder than moderating a Star Trek or radish enthusiast site. I don't envy them the job. But sometimes retaliating against a post from a depressed person only invites more conflict, and alienates that person. Some things should be let be.

 

[darkwall]

I remember posting a thread on the link between anger and depression a while ago. Stella's contacted me saying that she's felt depressed lately - I do think that there seems to be a lack of sensitivity with regard to this.

Take the instance of Bluerose - now yes, she swore at people, but it is also obvious that she felt she was being ganged up on, and for God's sake this is someone who goes to support groups - so I felt completely repelled by how that all panned out. People telling her to "numb the fresia out", calling her a "glitter-speckled drama whore", a "pointless heap of human trash" and posting pics of the "up yours" sign at her? So then she says "your [sic] all pathetic" and a mod steps in and calls her paranoid and nasty. And of course it's Bluerose who gets banned. If you read the thread again there's something very much like bullying going on there.

These people should be PROTECTED. Instead the mod actually laughed at the "pointless heap of human trash" comment. The people who are the most aggressive are usually the most unhappy people - they never manage to hurt anyone but themselves, and yet are usually banned when it's obvious that they need the most help. If I went through what Bluerose did on that forum, I literally would feel pretty suicidal.

I think that two things should be established before someone is banned: one, that they hurt anyone's feelings (which is almost never the case) and two, that they aren't prepared to apologise. I'm sure that Stella would have apologised rather than face two days of loneliness and boredom, and also the very unpleasant and hurtful sensation of being kicked out from a community.

I firmly believe that in the event of someone being banned, a mod should contact them first with the name of another forum they can go to. We wouldn't have to set up anything on this site - just refer them to a sister site. That way, particularly with Stella, who seems to belong to a group of people continually being banned, there might be some familiar faces there ...

Peace,

LB

 

[Zak]

Take the instance of Bluerose - now yes, she swore at people, but it is also obvious that she felt she was being ganged up on, and for God's sake this is someone who goes to support groups - so I felt completely repelled by how that all panned out. People telling her to "numb the fresia out", calling her a "glitter-speckled drama whore", a "pointless heap of human trash" and posting pics of the "up yours" sign at her? So then she says "your [sic] all pathetic" and a mod steps in and calls her paranoid and nasty. And of course it's Bluerose who gets banned. If you read the thread again there's something very much like bullying going on there.

Bluerose's first thread - http://www.alonelylife.com/my-pathetic-life-t-4102.html
If you please read the replies there, you will know there were many helping hands.

Second thread - http://www.alonelylife.com/like-get-killed-so-dont-have2-deal-with-t-4166-6.html
There was a suicide post there

A thread she made after that - http://www.alonelylife.com/havent-had-any-friends-for-over-10yrs-t-4389-2.html
Many offered her friendship including me but it seems she wanted a female friend. Okay fair enough.

This was made after the previous one - http://www.alonelylife.com/any-female-pals-out-there-t-4414.html

She got many replies but she wasn't ready to take the first step of pming anybody, According to me, the common courtesy would be "if you are asking for friendship, you should atleast have the manners to pm the people first who are offering it" other than saying things like I want friendship but you 'should' pm me first

http://www.alonelylife.com/find-this-lady-totally-rude-one-support-groups-t-5740.html

Finally the thread where she got banned cos as I see it, she wasn't ready to be friends with anyone though she kept asking for friendship. All comes back to the point, if you need friendship, you will have to give friendship first. She was like getting mad by seeing other people becoming friends (just "friends" not any couples or dating partners or sex buddies or anything but just friends) at the same time she wasn't ready to initiate anything but kept asking for friendship and asking everyone to pm her to help her. If you go to the 5th page, you can see my post too. I just asked a doubt and I was pretty pissed at her reply to me, though I chose to not hit back in the same manner.

I don't know, maybe just my assumption. I am sorry if I am wrong.

 

[DayvanCowboy]

I am just putting this out there, but how about an infraction system for the users in this forum? Can this be done or at least tried for a little bit?

 

[darkwall]

That just makes me more convinced as to her unjust treatment:

1. So she's a victim of abuse with an incredibly painful life experience.

2. So she's SUICIDAL.

3. So she hasn't had a friend in ten years.

4. So she'd prefer a female friend, probably cos of aforementioned abuse.

5. Then we get to the post in question.

Can you REALLY act as if you thought she was rude, given that she has been through a level of pain that neither of us can conceive of? Do you REALLY expect someone who's been beaten by her parents until an adult to behave like a party socialite ... ?

I see your point, but more clearly I see an exceptionally troubled person who was subject to a torrent of very personal abuse.

 

[Zak]

That just makes me more convinced as to her unjust treatment:

1. So she's a victim of abuse with an incredibly painful life experience.

2. So she's SUICIDAL.

3. So she hasn't had a friend in ten years.

4. So she'd prefer a female friend, probably cos of aforementioned abuse.

5. Then we get to the post in question.

Can you REALLY act as if you thought she was rude, given that she has been through a level of pain that neither of us can conceive of? Do you REALLY expect someone who's been beaten by her parents until an adult to behave like a party socialite ... ?

I see your point, but more clearly I see an exceptionally troubled person who was subject to a torrent of very personal abuse.

Yeah I already told you. It may just be my assumption that I see it as a rude behaviour or I missed to see the real truth behind it. People have different perception and I think I fail to see the matter from yours. I apologize.

 

[darkwall]

No, no, please don't apologise - as I said before, I totally see what you're saying. It's a tricky situation when someone who is clearly in a lot of pain behaves unacceptably. I was bringing it up here as an example of where the system of banning has perhaps failed an individual - or at least ended sadly for all concerned.

 

[Zak]

No, no, please don't apologise - as I said before, I totally see what you're saying. It's a tricky situation when someone who is clearly in a lot of pain behaves unacceptably. I was bringing it up here as an example of where the system of banning has perhaps failed an individual - or at least ended sadly for all concerned.

Well I hope mods will share their view about the matter. I mean about the infraction system or maybe like jales said is it at all possible to ban people but restrict them to their own section of the forum so that they can still be a part of alonelylife and so that others can talk to them and they can talk to each other but so that they can not post in every single section?
I see your point too LB. When somebody is in pain, they just become negative in order to reduce it by fighting or cursing. I have done this too and many times, though not in this forum.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

From my opinion/experince IRL and on forum. Sometimes when people are in pain they usually
seek comfort or releave...however if they seek comfort and releave by get messed up out of
their fucken my. Strange and nuratic behaviors are known to occure while people are numb out of
thier fucken mind.

However numb out you are , a person has no excuse to attack or inflict more pains upon others.
I belive the modes on here gives people plenty of rope before banning anyone.
The modes are filters or punching bags....Ooops i mean they're people too.
Heck maybe modes have thier personal challenges too...imgine that.lol
Somebody has to hold somebody accountiable somewhere alone the line...

Yes...there's soft love and there's tough love...

The modes on here are a bounch of softies...man

 

[Starman]

Sorry

There's not a chance in hell that Bluerose is a genuine poster

someone's been having fun

 

[darkwall]

@ Lonesome Crow: I think the issue is how much pain has been caused vs. how much pain has been dealt.

Say someone refers to someone else as an idiot and then the mods ban them for two days. Wouldn't the punishment be disproportionate to the crime? Bluerose, I'm sure, thought she was being bullied:

http://www.alonelylife.com/bullies-t-5716.html

Then, as the Libertines say, "Cornered the boy kicked out at the world - the world kicked back a lot ******* harder".

@ Starman: No one spends six months on a site putting up painful post after painful post for "fun".

 

[Spare]

Sorry

There's not a chance in hell that Bluerose is a genuine poster

someone's been having fun

Herein lies the rub. Ultimately, there is no way of knowing whether someone who is exhibiting extreme behavior is truly suffering through some kind of crisis or not. We have only their written words to go by, and if we could trust everyone to be posting for honest reasons there wouldn't be such a concept as internet trolls at all.

There are also always going to be cases that forums like this one simply aren't equipped to handle. This isn't a forum where one can find professional help; this is a community, a support group. Support groups can be very theraputic, but in some tragic cases it just isn't enough. Some of these cases can even be cancerous, spreading negativity throughout the rest of the group.

The mods have a lot of variables to consider when dealing with unruly posters, and I believe that by and large they are doing a fair job. This is, of course, my opinion.

Remember also, the mods are human like the rest of us.

 

[Starman]

@ Starman: No one spends six months on a site putting up painful post after painful post for "fun".

um..... a total of 32 posts

people have er "fun" on forums for years let alone months- and for thousands of posts let alone 30.

don't be made a mug of

 

[darkwall]

Look, I am not saying that everything she said was the truth. For example, it seems like she suddenly acquired a boyfriend once blokes offered her friendship. She might not have been beaten, she might not have been an alcoholic. BUT YOU CAN'T ACT AS IF PEOPLE ARE LIARS. Especially in this case, where what she was saying was so serious.

No, she obviously wasn't having fun. No-one does that for six months if they're trying to "trick" a community. Was she trying to get attention? Possibly. But what is inarguable is that the interaction in the frozen thread makes very grim reading. You can't justify people telling her to "do the world a favor and become sterile" by saying she was probably lying.

 

[Starman]

Look, I am not saying that everything she said was the truth. For example, it seems like she suddenly acquired a boyfriend once blokes offered her friendship. She might not have been beaten, she might not have been an alcoholic. BUT YOU CAN'T ACT AS IF PEOPLE ARE LIARS. Especially in this case, where what she was saying was so serious.

No, she obviously wasn't having fun. No-one does that for six months if they're trying to "trick" a community. Was she trying to get attention? Possibly. But what is inarguable is that the interaction in the frozen thread makes very grim reading. You can't justify people telling her to "do the world a favor and become sterile" by saying she was probably lying.

there's no probably about it... in my opinion- and I'm not trying to justify any nasty remarks- that's a seperate topic

having a look at those links, i would personally have been tempted to ban her after the first of those posts.

 

[Steel]

A number of points spring to mind. As this is a post, I am talking about my own perceptions, and not necessarily those of the other mods.

While any ban is regrettable, it is always done on a basis of anti-social behaviour. As has already been stated, some vulnerable people use this forum..most of whom never cause any trouble. The reality is that people ARE driven away from this site by being flamed (I know, I have deleted their accounts at their request). So should we allow someone whom has never posted in an agressive manner to be driven away.. and perhaps even contemplate suicide.. simply on the basis that the person doing it may be going through a challenging time in their life as well?

Clearly.. we have a duty to the community at large. Depression may EXPLAIN someone's actions, but it doesn't EXCUSE it.

There is no need for a banned section of the forum.. simply because there are not many people at any one time who are banned. The VAST majority of those banned are banned for spamming. Currently, there are the grand total of 1 member with a durational ban.. and that expires in less than 2 days. I believe this shows how rarely we ban. Bluerose's ban, for instance, expired a long time ago.

In response to Little Buddha's posts, which focussed on specific cases:

I do not like discussing individual cases of banning publicly, as I have stated many times -but I will make some points based on your examples. Coincidentally, Bluerose was the one who posted the "Up yours" picture... among others. Before she was banned, she had MANY posts edited and deleted, for content which consisted of offensive animations or language. She was warned.. and carried on. Coincidentally, her ban expired long ago.

Stella I will not discuss here at all, as she is an active member of this community. Also, she is more than capable of defending herself.

 

[Minus]

We can not have a situation where all actions are justified because of what a person is going through or has gone through. There is enough trauma in the people on this board that it could be a real free for all and many others just don't need to be a target for some one else's excesses.

Since there is a lot of social isolation and difficulty in social interactions among the population here it would seem more important then usual that this doesn't become a place to attack people.


As far as the request for other forums there are countless ones depending on what you are looking for.


Psychology & Self Help Forum [includes anger management]
http://www.uncommonforum.com/

Psychology Forum
http://psychologyforum.us/

Depression Forum
http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/forums.html

Depression Forum
http://www.takethislife.com/

 

[EveWasFramed]

I don't think I can really add anything that the other mods haven't already said.

 

[Pasha Selim]

Currently, there are the grand total of 1 member with a durational ban.. and that expires in less than 2 days.

I hope is not torontonian-xenophon