Blah blah blah

[Doubt The Rabbit]

I feel like the very definition of social anxiety enables me to have spent so much time worrying about whether or not I truly am socially anxious based on the appraisal of my behavior from the people around me.
Ever since it got called into question I find I am constantly checking myself, constantly wondering what it is a true socially anxious person would do. An internal debate with me focuses on whether or not my symptoms are externalized enough to "matter" or if I'm just making excuses for being a lazy, unremarkable human being. Meanwhile, the single and possibly most concerning question I rarely ask myself is whether or not I feel there is something truly wrong with me.

I am lying to myself, I figure. I'm constantly spinning elaborate lies to the point where I am having symptoms that only I can see--I can't trust myself.
Because my palms don't sweat, because my face doesn't flush, my jaw doesn't lock and my heart doesn't flutter...because I don't chew on pencils or my lips, because, "I wouldn't think it if you hadn't told me!" Because I'm normal...
I don't deserve accolades for getting out of bed each morning or asking strangers for the time or riding on the bus every day or giving someone directions.
I don't deserve a pat on the back for making phone calls and sending emails, making requests or asserting myself.
Because these are normal things. Because normal people don't deserve recognition for doing normal things.

Because maybe I'm insecure and that's the only reason I can't stop writing, because I'm looking for just one person to either stroke my fantasy and let me be broken or say something that will jar me into submission, be overcome with normalcy and hollow, "I'm okay"s. Because maybe I would rather have someone else decide for me a definitive answer, because maybe that hurts a lot less than turning the puzzle over again and again with my own self, whom I cannot trust.

Strangely, even now I am afraid of what people might say and how I might sound, and that drives me to hesitate from letting these words go. But maybe, maybe that's just what they call the guilt of privilege.

Blah blah blah.

 

[sothatwasmylife]

Love the rabbit...You don't say if you actually have social anxiety as a diagnoses and even if you did and certain characteristics were associated with it ....why on earth would you assume that the entire raft of generalized symptoms would apply to you...but if this isn't the case and you are working on the basis of observations made from those around you....and then attributed their observations to your own diagnoses of social anxiety but having difficulty in not experiencing the entire catologue of symptoms you feel you have a right to expect...so from we can probably conclude that you are at least in some respects....mildly fruity... personally I don't see that as a major problem...just rather endearing....but heading into the realms of becoming obsessional re having/not having some degree of social anxiety I can see could in itself be quite distressing.

 

[EveWasFramed]

Seems more antisocial than socially anxious.

Also, I love you, Bunnicula. <3