Can anyone relate to this?

[Solitude72]

Hi there, i'm a forty something divorced male and having a bit of an identity crisis and wondering if anyone else has a similar pattern of behaviour, i'm not like it all the time but in the last week or so i have signed up to an adult swinging site and the following day i feel i want join a church, then back i go to the the adult stuff. I have always struggled to a) find the middle ground be it with a hobby, money, anything b) be accepted by other people.

Today seems particularly bad as i have joined MeetUp only to a few hours later delete my profile. I've also deleted my POF dating profile which was always a big disaster.

I sometimes delete accounts as a form of tidying up, both physically and mentally.

is there any hope? haha

 

[oh-kay?]

Identity crisis is a rather vague term. Is it a question of who you are or is it about where you fit in?

I have and always will be against online dating sites. They are a marketplace for possibly self centered individuals, since the information you get from there is placed there by the people who have the most to gain from deception.

 

[Solitude72]

Its more about the person I want to be and which direction I want to go in, both either end of the spectrum, no strings sex or the church, ridiculous really.

 

[Tiina63]

No, it isn't ridiculous. I think we are all 'split' as people between the part of us which wants to be 'good' and morally upright (as defined by our society and our conscience) and the part of us which is 'darker' and which wants to have our basic desires met in whichever way we can.

 

[Solitude72]

But it's decision I dont need to make, im not sure why I just cant live my life without trying to put a label on it. Perhaps I just need a problem to deal with.

 

[BeyondShy]

But it's decision I dont need to make, im not sure why I just cant live my life without trying to put a label on it. Perhaps I just need a problem to deal with.

At your convenience get in contact with me. I'll give you one of mine.

 

[oh-kay?]

No, it isn't ridiculous. I think we are all 'split' as people between the part of us which wants to be 'good' and morally upright (as defined by our society and our conscience) and the part of us which is 'darker' and which wants to have our basic desires met in whichever way we can.

That's a false choice. There is the entire spectrum of consciousness between those two perimeters and no one has ever been able to connect morality and goodness, since morality is subjective and goodness is not.

Character is the most important issue when goodness desired. From my experience Morality leads almost always to judgmentalism, which in turn often leads to determining if another deserves to be treated with goodness or be ignored.

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But it's decision I dont need to make, im not sure why I just cant live my life without trying to put a label on it. Perhaps I just need a problem to deal with.

No. You don't need a problem. You need a solution, which I would suggest looking to expanding yourself beyond that which you've been comfortable with.

Try reading or getting educated i something you have always been interested in. Pick up a musical instrument or getting into some arts or crafts.

What I think is happening is that you are thinking too much about your issue and I find that nothing will ever change for the better if you concentrate anxiously on it.

It's the same reasoning behind the saying, "A watchpot never boils."

What you have of yourself right now is not working for you. That means, also that the groups you run with are equally not working out. You really need to get into something that will also bring in more people into your life. The more well rounded you become the more people you can network with and they will distract you enough that when the person who you truly need in your life appears you will be less about your needs and more about your qualities.

I've found out that when I stop looking for a mate, I find them everywhere and the more interesting you are they larger the pool of prospective people you can pick from

 

[Solitude72]

That's very good advice, thank you.

 

[oh-kay?]

Well, as far as labels are concerned. It's apart of the brains attempt to cope with the chaos that human beings constantly inflict upon the world. Let's face it. We are our own drama queens and those who orbit around themselves are the most destructive to themselves as well as others.

I think it is primarily defensive mechanism, because it evaluates much more than it categorizes.

 

[Mouse]

Hi there, i'm a forty something divorced male and having a bit of an identity crisis and wondering if anyone else has a similar pattern of behaviour, i'm not like it all the time but in the last week or so i have signed up to an adult swinging site and the following day i feel i want join a church, then back i go to the the adult stuff. I have always struggled to a) find the middle ground be it with a hobby, money, anything b) be accepted by other people.

Today seems particularly bad as i have joined MeetUp only to a few hours later delete my profile. I've also deleted my POF dating profile which was always a big disaster.

I sometimes delete accounts as a form of tidying up, both physically and mentally.

is there any hope? haha

Not that I have indulged in being a Swinger, my impression is church goers and their leaders would probably crap themselves because sexual activities are not acceptable in church society or its biblical teachings thereof.

Let me say right now I am not judgemental in any way, okay? I'm not interested in anyone else's morals except my own. While I have a core belief in God I will not attend church because lesbianism or bisexuality is generally regarded with horror by the church and its pastor, so my having been divorced from a man to later have a full-on relationship with my lovely girl, I stay at home and mind my own business reading my daughter's Christian Bible. Get more peace that way. Less earache from bible thumpers. :club: heh heh heh...if you insist going to church, wear a crash helmet.

 

[HoodedMonk]

Hi there, i'm a forty something divorced male and having a bit of an identity crisis and wondering if anyone else has a similar pattern of behaviour, i'm not like it all the time but in the last week or so i have signed up to an adult swinging site and the following day i feel i want join a church, then back i go to the the adult stuff. I have always struggled to a) find the middle ground be it with a hobby, money, anything b) be accepted by other people.

Today seems particularly bad as i have joined MeetUp only to a few hours later delete my profile. I've also deleted my POF dating profile which was always a big disaster.

I sometimes delete accounts as a form of tidying up, both physically and mentally.

is there any hope? haha

Not that I have indulged in being a Swinger, my impression is church goers and their leaders would probably crap themselves because sexual activities are not acceptable in church society or its biblical teachings thereof.

Let me say right now I am not judgemental in any way, okay? I'm not interested in anyone else's morals except my own. While I have a core belief in God I will not attend church because lesbianism or bisexuality is generally regarded with horror by the church and its pastor, so my having been divorced from a man to later have a full-on relationship with my lovely girl, I stay at home and mind my own business reading my daughter's Christian Bible. Get more peace that way. Less earache from bible thumpers. :club: heh heh heh...if you insist going to church, wear a crash helmet.

Yep, true privilege there. I can remember sitting in church once while the pastor went on about homosexuals. It was uncomfortable sitting there.

Happily that church is now closed down.

Society doesn't change quickly enough.

 

[Phaedron]

Well I recommend you stay away from the churches. Look for the truth about things online. Big things are happening in the world. Hang in there.

 

[HoodedMonk]

I have and always will be against online dating sites. They are a marketplace for possibly self centered individuals, since the information you get from there is placed there by the people who have the most to gain from deception.

I deactivated my Okcupid account today. Just nobody out there that I click with. :/

 

[StormChild]

When I first divorced I threw myself into all sorts of things, trying to find a new identity. When you're with one person for a long time you define your identity along with theirs. When you separate (even if it was your idea), all of a sudden you need to figure out who you are on your own.

Your identity will come back slowly but surely -- no harm in exploring all your interests while it does (you're not tied to anything you don't care for once you try it). I doubt you'll be the only swinger on the church pew!!!