Can relationships survive abroad?

[kalinatek]

Hello everyone,

It's been a while since I've posted anything useful in here. I want to know whether you believe relationships can survive long, overseas distance. If so, how?
My particular involves the following:

My girlfriend for over 4 years wanted to study a master's degree in the USA. I was pretty confident, since my current undisclosed location at Latin America had cheap, short non-stop flights to her intended American city. However, last autumn she started fantasizing with the idea of pursuing her master's at the UK. Money is not a problem for her (it is for me), so as soon as we went to a masters' fair I started applying to an MBA (scholarships and funding included), selling stuff and getting my sh*t together to move abroad.

Now that I have secured a place at the MBA and received a full tuition scholarship, talked to my superiors and quitting my job effectively on August 2024, selling all my stuff, she has got cold feet. When she told me about a week ago, it broke my heart. Don't get me wrong; even if I already have a master's degree and a good job currently, life seems boring and unfullfilling in corporate Latin American country. What started as her plan now is a plan of my own, and pursuing an MBA with full scholarship at the UK is a dream come true I cannot possibly throw to waste.

Yet, I feel deeply betrayed and sad.
Any comments/advice?

 

[TropicalStarfish]

She is still in the USA, but, now doesn't want to go to the UK to study anymore; and, despite this, you are now on track to go to the UK yourself and study abroad?

Personally, I think it's quite simple: when two people are, 'in-love,' and, 'on-track,' to pursue a life together, these things aren't even a consideration in the first place: the primary goal is to create a life, 'together.'

I think that kind of, 'togetherness,' is rare, but, I'm inclined to believe it exists. Two people like that are more like one organism. So, there aren't really any separate goals/dreams/desires, it's all one goal.

From a distance, without much information, it seems like she wanted to pursue her own thing, and you hung in there for it, and then she decided she wanted to continue pursuing that dream, but, the idea of you coming along kind of made it less appetizing.

She's already far away, no? Already has been pursuing her own thing, no? And now doesn't want to sort of, 'reunite paths.'

Sounds like she has different ideas of where and what she wants to be doing; and perhaps you do as well, now?

Ultimately, though, I don't think one can ever really know when it comes to love, what will happen.

You could give up your dream for some one, to be closer to them, only to find out, that, 6 months later, they will tell you they want to end the relationship. Also, you could forgo the needs of a relationship to pursue your dream, and find out, your dream has turned into a nightmare. Or, you could wait and wait and wait, and it may turn out to be have been worth the wait. Or you could wait and wait, and find out the fire was extinguished long ago.

So, I don't know, really. Love sure can hurt though...

On the bright side, love can happen quite unexpectedly, at almost any time. Journey vs. destination thing, maybe.

I think love is kind of one of those forces of nature, best left to it's self: like the sea. You can put up the sails when the wind is good, and when the seas are stormy, you can do your best to endure it; but, ultimately, it's not so much in our control. Except to say a ship that doesn't leave the harbor, has no journey and no destination.

And sorry if this, 'advice,' isn't very helpful. That's a difficult situation you describe... Sorry to hear it..

 

[MrLonely86]

She already decided for herself without even asking your opinion.
Long story short - that relationship is done.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I want to know whether you believe relationships can survive long, overseas distance. If so, how?

A relationship can survive practically anything. But only if BOTH people want it to work. If BOTH people are committed and ready to do what it takes to make it work.

If one person doesn't, even in the slightest way, it will not work.

Just out of curiosity, are you sure she got accepted to a program?

 

[randomguy]

My experience is that long-distance relationships suck. I’ve never met anyone who said, “Yeah, my boyfriend lives 14 hours away in New Zealand, it’s great!” On the contrary, everyone I’ve met in a long distance relationship ends up with that agonizing feeling that your heart is slowly being carved out of your chest by a butter knife and replaced with unsatisfactory Skype calls and blinking chat windows.

I get it. I’ve been there. Two of my significant relationships have involved long distance in some way.

As a young man who was terrified of any sort of commitment, I found that I could only allow myself to fall for a girl if she was at least 500 miles away. The first time, we both genuinely tried to make it work, but things fell apart spectacularly, mostly because we were both too young and immature to handle the distance.

The second time, we both agreed that our lives were taking us to different parts of the globe and we were probably better off letting it go, we then struggled to, you know, actually let go for another year, and it sucked.

 

[kalinatek]

[...]

Personally, I think it's quite simple: when two people are, 'in-love,' and, 'on-track,' to pursue a life together, these things aren't even a consideration in the first place: the primary goal is to create a life, 'together.'

I think that kind of, 'togetherness,' is rare, but, I'm inclined to believe it exists. Two people like that are more like one organism. So, there aren't really any separate goals/dreams/desires, it's all one goal.

From a distance, without much information, it seems like she wanted to pursue her own thing, and you hung in there for it, and then she decided she wanted to continue pursuing that dream, but, the idea of you coming along kind of made it less appetizing.

She's already far away, no? Already has been pursuing her own thing, no? And now doesn't want to sort of, 'reunite paths.'
Sounds like she has different ideas of where and what she wants to be doing; and perhaps you do as well, now?

[...]

I think love is kind of one of those forces of nature, best left to it's self: like the sea. You can put up the sails when the wind is good, and when the seas are stormy, you can do your best to endure it; but, ultimately, it's not so much in our control. Except to say a ship that doesn't leave the harbor, has no journey and no destination.

And sorry if this, 'advice,' isn't very helpful. That's a difficult situation you describe... Sorry to hear it..

Thank you very much TropicalStarfish, this was actually pretty helpful.
Right now we're still in our LatAm country. Initially, the idea of me coming with her to the UK sparked her eyes and we were quite excited for what was coming. I was actually the nervous one.

Months later, now I'm the one excited and she's the one with the cold feet. I'll still go to the UK, but the thought of she not coming broke my heart. I gave up everything for us, and she seems not ready to take the leap. I think you're right when you say it sounded "less appetizing" for her.

Thank you dearly for your words.

 

[kalinatek]

A relationship can survive practically anything. But only if BOTH people want it to work. If BOTH people are committed and ready to do what it takes to make it work.

If one person doesn't, even in the slightest way, it will not work.

Just out of curiosity, are you sure she got accepted to a program?

Of course, it's a two-way street.
These days I've felt the relationship has already ended, despite her efforts to comfort me and reassuring she loves me, just that she is not ready.

Yes, she has been accepted to a program at the same UK university. She just no longer seems so eager to start a life abroad together...

 

[MrLonely86]

Not the first or the last person who lost relationship cause future wants different things , happened to me 10 times at least so ....

 

[TropicalStarfish]

Thank you very much TropicalStarfish, this was actually pretty helpful.
Right now we're still in our LatAm country. Initially, the idea of me coming with her to the UK sparked her eyes and we were quite excited for what was coming. I was actually the nervous one.

Months later, now I'm the one excited and she's the one with the cold feet. I'll still go to the UK, but the thought of she not coming broke my heart. I gave up everything for us, and she seems not ready to take the leap. I think you're right when you say it sounded "less appetizing" for her.

Thank you dearly for your words.

So you are both living in physical proximity again?

I'm not sure I'll be able to fully understand the situation.

My understanding is, that, it seems like you've been doing a lot of, 'heavy lifting,' to try and keep the relationship alive; and you feel as though a lot of that has now been for naught. ?

I guess a few things to consider, might be the following...

-Her first time, 'studying abroad,' she wasn't so far away from home as the UK might be?
-Her financial situation is different, so whether she goes or doesn't go, is just sort dependent on whether she wants to or not?

I suppose my best guess here is that: you feel that she doesn't feel the same?

And I guess my answer to that is that: four years apart, like that, can create some emotional distance. There could be some distrust on your end; but, what that really may amount to is, an imbalance: the kind of acrobatics you've had to do, to try and keep the boat afloat, is not at all the same as what she has been doing: and she might quite literally, and plainly, not have that sort of strength: emotionally, commitment wise, mentally, psychologically. She might not be as strong as you. She may also not be as, 'willing,' as you; that's a possibility too. However, she may not be as capable either. Sort of like, to keep the relationship alive: you were willing to be a janitor and work nights; but, now, the tables are turned, and it's her turn to do the night shift, and... she just can't, she's not strong enough.

So, if it's a situation like that: that is tough. It's like a business partner in a business, finances split 50/50: you paid up your end of the initial investment, but, she's coming up short? That can create resentment, distrust, etc.. In her defense, she may not be as business savvy, not as capable, and therefore not a good business partner if the business is to succeed. And unfortunately, 'the business,' here, by way of analogy, is the relationship: and one can't be in a relationship alone.

So, to the best of my understanding: you may go to the UK, because you have to do right by your own investment, to honor yourself (which is a half a part of the relationship); and it may put an end to the relationship. However, if you put her first, again, and don't go, you are left with an unhappiness in the balance of the relationship, which also could put the relationship to an end.

So, it may not matter either way, which choice is chosen, as far as the relationship is concerned.

You'd be going to the UK to pursue a masters degree? I don't know if that's two years or four years.

I guess one practical way to look at things is: a masters degree will be with you your whole life. A relationship can end at any moment, for any number of reasons. But, that does seem an awfully cynical and practical way to look at things.

On the flip side, hugging a master's degree won't have the same affect as hugging some one you love, and who loves you.

Maybe I'm off the mark here. Seems like you invested _a lot_ of time and energy into getting this scholarship to study abroad, though. I think it's probably incumbent on you, to see it through; unless it's plainly clear, where home is, where the heart is, and where you really want to be.

You'll have to decide on your own ultimately...

*heh* I'm reminded of the Meatloaf song...


Sorry for the levity, I know it's a tough spot to be in. Good luck mate..