Comfort Addicts

[human_condition]

And attention whores.

I've noticed on here that are several users that post reams of threads talking about how much they hate their lives, how they wish it could all be over, how no one understands the pain they're in, etc., etc., blah, blah.

I totally understand where they're coming from, and I honestly sympathise.

For the first thread.

But there are some that just keep coming back to get the same reaction from you kind and thoughtful members... it just makes me think... are they addicted to the sympathy?

I know this kind of thing is especially common among teenage girls- they'll say to their friends "Oh, my hair looks so ugly today." And wait for the moderated reaction of "Don't be ridiculous, it's perfect." If they don't recieve this reaction, they get all moody.

However, the more reassurance they get, the more they become reliant on what their friends think- they don't build up their own opinion of, say, how their hair looks- their self esteem becomes dependant on the opinions of others. That isn't healthy.

The same things apply here. People keep posting things like "Oh, I want to die" and "My life is a black hole"- well, it's the same for many of us, or we wouldn't be here. Don't depend on some meaningless internet people to define the meaning of your life and who you are- you have to learn to love yourself before others love you. And it is possible, other people can do it- why are you any different?

Life is harsh, but we all go through it, and in the end it's you who has to make the effort to stay on top, not a bunch of quick-fix compliments from people who don't even know you.

Flame all you want, but I only speak the truth.

 

[Matt]

I know exactly what you mean. But I don't think it necessarily always applies here - there are some pretty extreme life situations and maybe should be read as depression rather than manipulation of sympathy. There's not really any way to tell without knowing the individuals in person.

As for your reference to teenage girls, it's worth noting that females are more likely to attempt suicide and "fail", and males are more likely to commit suicide with success. It doesn't take a psychologist to realize that the girls who "unsuccessfully" attempted suicide were more interested in the reactions from friends and family, while the males who successfully committed suicide obviously had no interests in reaping sympathy from friends and family. This is of course a generalization, but difference in failed/successful suicide rates for the two genders is statistically significant.

Still, when was young I occasionally "daydreamed" about friends' and parents' reactions to me committing suicide, and as the thread starter you happen to be female, so all this should be taken with the proverbial grain of salt.

 

[Robin]

Without concrete directions to what these people who do need attention should do instead of this so called prostitution, posts like this make little difference You know. As in; does more harm than good, regardless of Your intention to post it. Information like this doesn't quite cut it for people in the situation that most of the people on this website are in. They don't care, and why should they? This is a website devoted to loneliness, and if there is to be only one place on earth that people can do what You don't want them to do here, it's right here. This is no cakewalk, and it isn't supposed to be. As a long-term member myself who thereby have been exposed to this tragedy You refer to for many months and who is amongst one of the most competent and compassionate advisers this board has ever had i say that the members of this board are to be allowed to do exactly as they like with their time here as long as they follow the rules of it.

Now improvements, those are always welcome. But to simply express thoughts which You better believe have crawled hundreds of visitors here before You, in an outrage like this, where no concrete advise for an improvement is given, other than for people to simply "change", is unwelcome here and has already been laid out and discussed many times before without any meaningful, practical ways showing up. Give it more thought and write something helpful as well before You just blame the people here for doing what their humane instincts tell them to.

And by the way, i agree there is no long-term effect to someone's ego by simply giving them positive feedback and comments, but those who really care and and spend hours helping the same person can make an astonishing, permanent difference, simply by writing to them.

It isn't the victims of loneliness who are doing wrong, it's the one's trying to help them who don't do enough, most of the time. And there ain't many members here who first of all came here to spend hours at end helping others with their problems, let alone who are experienced with what You actually are supposed to do to get better.

 

[lonelyloser]

I think there are two sides to this. There are some people who have no one to turn to, and they do seek sympathy. It's only natural. If you've been neglected your whole life, that's a horrible thing to deal with, and to seek the comfort from another individual is understandable. It is amazing how much suffering people have to deal with in this world, and I think it's rather irresponsible for a lay person to criticize people for what they have gone through and how they deal with their pain (and what's usually not their fault). On the other hand, some people simply think out loud. They are not necessarily directed toward anyone, nor do they seek sympathy, but they have so many negative thoughts running through their head every day that writing it down is the only way for them to stay sane (in a relative sense).

Robin I agree with everything you said. I think it's important to be sensitive to the people who have faced extreme suffering, my heart goes out to those people because I know what it's like to be in a bottomless pit. There needs to be some sort of answer for these people when psychotherapy fails. Can it really be possible that the only option for these people is death? This website is a good start, and if anything, should be the place that people can vent their concerns.

 

[Robin]

Well said, LL.

 

[Qui]

...At least I'm not the only one that's bothered by that. But I do find it rather annoying, enough that I do avoid this site when I'm feeling particularly needy because I don't want people to think of me the way that I can't help thinking of the people here that do make thread after thread about the same **** thing. It's my personal oppinion that you should only create a new thread when you have something of substace to say that doesn't fit on an existing thread. It's prolly just me, but seriously I've started 3 threads in the several months I've been here. I've seen people make that many in a day. What's the point? No one's going to read them anyway.
Ah, sorry for that. I've wanted to get that off my head for a while now.

 

[Silvernight]

There's nothing to flame you for. It's true in many cases. I always make a point of not being excessively whiny, even when I'm feeling really down. This forum, without any exaggeration, is full of the most kind and compassionate people I ever saw. It's probably not surprising because only those who'd undergone/are undergoing the same situation (depression, loneliness, etc.) are most likely to be understanding. Some people abuse that. But often it's enough to receive just any kind of response (as long as it's not mean or rude) to feel better (if for no other reason that someone bothered to read and even to respond) and even if it's only your own similar sob story you can offer it may at least make another feel less inadequate knowing they're not some kind of unique freak to experience that.

However, call me a stupid softy if you want, I'd not outright call people seeking comfort attention whores. Especially on a board where that kind of statement is particularly likely to "hit the target", in a manner of speaking. For one thing, it is not going to help like Robin & lonelyloser have already stated. For another, those people aren't simply trolling, it's hard enough to admit you're lonely and (god forbid!) not "self-sufficient" in a society like ours that condemns any such manifestations of weakness. They merely want some positive attention which, in many cases, they cannot get anywhere else.

 

[Skorian]

I just have to say human that if you feel the need to vent, then feel free. Better to let it out then hold it in. Also, it's ok to want attention.

 

[IgnoredOne]

I partially agree with human_condition, but I also firmly believe that we don't necessarily have to read any posts that we don't want to. There are days when I don't visit here at all; days when I realize that any advice I give will be unconstructive and affected by my mood. But otherwise, sometimes some people just need to hear the same advice over and over again. Heaven knows that I didn't improve by one magical realization, but only after being told again and again on how I needed to take charge of my own life.

I do believe that it is important that we don't simply provide sympathy - that can turn into a feedback addiction like any other. Kindness is important, but should also be matched with firmness. I only really came into my own with two different girls helping me: one being sweet and caring, the other being firm and demanding of results from me. Without either, I think that I definitely couldn't have grown and gotten out of the pit that I was in.

Ultimately, people should know that they can always come here for support, but only they can truly help themelves. We can only cheer them on from the sidelines

Regards,
IO

 

[NeverMore]

FLAME FLAME FLAME FLAME, nah just kidding, in my personal opinion I think everyone should be granted a thread to vent, just one, that's what I do, ***** about stuff on the same one as to not clog things up too much

I think there are two sides to this. There are some people who have no one to turn to, and they do seek sympathy. It's only natural. If you've been neglected your whole life, that's a horrible thing to deal with, and to seek the comfort from another individual is understandable. It is amazing how much suffering people have to deal with in this world, and I think it's rather irresponsible for a lay person to criticize people for what they have gone through and how they deal with their pain (and what's usually not their fault). On the other hand, some people simply think out loud. They are not necessarily directed toward anyone, nor do they seek sympathy, but they have so many negative thoughts running through their head every day that writing it down is the only way for them to stay sane (in a relative sense).

Yes I agree entirely I'm someone who has to write things down and as I do it makes me feel better and sometimes just the process of writing things down gives me time to think things over and come up with my own solutions, this happens to me a lot...

 

[tennisgirl]

I personally think that this is the kind of place where people should be able to come to vent about whatever.. so what if they want sympathy? As long as they don't rely on it too much, I don't think it's too big a deal. I mean, it's probably annoying when there are loads of threads but, as someone said already, you can choose which threads to read/not. It is common, as you said, for people, especially girls, to seek reassurance over things like their weight and how they look etc, but, on here, the issues are way more serious. I personally feel a bit ashamed and embarrassed to pour my heart out on an internet forum but, that being said, I've done it. I know that my reason wasn't to get attention/sympathy, it was just a good release to type all my feelings down and kinda get them out of my head onto the screen... People on here are nice and they do sympathise, but it's not like "aww, i'm soo sorry, it must be so hard" kinda thing, but more, kind words with some really great advice. I reckon the people who do write those long threads feel like this is the kind of place where they can do so without being called an attention seeker. I definitely think one way to make people stop and think before they post those kinds of threads is to call them an "attention whore", so I'm not sure that was necessary. Everyone craves attention.. It's just how people work, even though everyone denies ever wanting any. Actually, I think it is more of the comfort thing, rather than attention. Those threads don't bother me, though, and if they do, I don't read them. I think if people need comfort, they should be able to get it from here without worrying about being judged. I imagine they're feeling embarrassed enough for posting it in the first place.

I can see how it might be annoying for some people, though.

 

[Guest]

And attention whores.

I've noticed on here that are several users that post reams of threads talking about how much they hate their lives, how they wish it could all be over, how no one understands the pain they're in, etc., etc., blah, blah.

I totally understand where they're coming from, and I honestly sympathise.

For the first thread.

But there are some that just keep coming back to get the same reaction from you kind and thoughtful members... it just makes me think... are they addicted to the sympathy?

seems to me that you're the one trying to grab some of that attention towards yourself with these types of threads jk.

You got a point that some people may have over done it with starting a few... ok, maybe more than a few threads in a day or two, but w/e you probably shouldn't be imposing these labels on them...

it's not going to do any good, but only make others hesitant to post, even when they trully might need the support.


ps. sry tennisgirl, i think i just said the same thing as what you said, but less detailed...