It's quite common to not be aware that something is abuse for months, years or even decades. Even if you know what abuse is, you're often not going to realise that what happened to YOU is abuse. It's natural to automatically think that abuse is something that happens to others, and that what happens to you is just the norm even if frustrating or depressing. When you realise it, it's a huge shock but there's sometimes relief that others understand what you've been through and what it's like for you.
You do seem like you're still figuring out what really happened and how what you've long perceived as being a rentboy was actually grooming, child abuse and rape. I know you're getting support for alcohol, but have you tried getting support from these (national) survivor organisations? They are going to be trained in helping you figure out what really happened to you.
They know that if you contact them you're likely to have a lot of problems piled up as a result of the abuse, and they might be able to listen, help you cope with it and understand it and help you to kickstart your plan of action.
Being here and talking to us is great, but they're going to be a lot more qualified than us - they might be able to give you that extra additional push and help that you need to overcome the alcoholism.
The one I linked gives you just about every option you could want: visiting you at your home or elsewhere, phone, requesting a callback and e-mail, because everyone wants to talk about it in different ways.
Of all the different supports you could seek out for each problem that you have, you should just find a support organisation for the source of your problems: childhood sexual abuse. If you need additional support groups for your other problems, you'll know when you've talked to the survivor organisation.
cumulus.james said:
I think people don't understand what it is like to feel so worthless that you hardly care about yourself or what happens to you. I am well aware of what I should do to change my life for the better, but I don't care about myself and no one else does. So it's like whats the point? Something might make me feel better but I don't care about me so why bother?
A lot of people feel exactly the same about themselves, so they understand. Those not going through it probably won't understand it though, and the chances are, most of the people you've ever talked to aren't going through that.
I think it's hard to care about yourself, if you don't feel that someone cares about you. Just remember that we do.
We wouldn't be writing 9 pages worth of replies if we didn't.
cumulus.james said:
This is where I get really confused. What happened when I was 14 - the first time with anal sex really can't be described as anything other than a voilent rape. But I did not know that at the time. I thought that was how gay sex should be. I then spent many years seeking out painful and dangerous sex. I have a book which says something on it:
The Connection Between Arousal and Childhood Abuse
"It may seem impossible that sexual or physical abuse could be part of a persons arousal template, but it can and does happen. If as a child, for example, you felt both fear and pleasure during an act of sexual abuse, often you will have similar feelings as an adult - to the point of actually putting yourself in an abusive situation. In a sense, trauma becomes connected, even fused, to the arousal template. If you were abused as a child, then trauma, though painful, can become comforting too. Repeating the familliar trauma , you experiance a complex biological reaction that includes a neurochemical component that is biologically the sam as when you were a child."
So a painful rape mapped itself onto my arousal template and I was compelled to repeat the experience? It does my head in.
I was raped so I like being raped????? WOT!
If you experience something that gives you sexual arousal as a child, you're going to crave it in the future when you think about sex. I wasn't abused, but I did experience something abnormal that gave me sexual arousal when I was young, which made me crave it as an adult. So I think this is true.
You crave the experience of what happened to you because as warped, horrific and traumatic as it was, it also greatly aroused you.
It's normal to be able to crave sexual activities, even painful ones, as long as they arouse.
I don't know how people in your situation usually overcome that, so I can't advise. It'd make most sense to train yourself not to think of it or include it in your sexual expectations or fantasies (or as the book put it, your arousal template), but I don't know how that's usually achieved. This is why you need the support of a survivor organisation because this will most likely be a common result of childhood sexual abuse.
cumulus.james said:
No one forced me. I'm just wrong.
Nobody forced you. That's pedophiles' strategy. By grooming children to want it, they don't have to bother forcing them. That grooming itself is apart of the crime. It's of course hard for you to accept that what you felt was a conscious decision of your own was actually a groomed decision.
You entered a toilet on a regular basis, and they knew very well that at 3-5pm there were going to be kids coming home from school, so they waited around in there trying to tempt vulnerable kids (such as you) over time and prey on your vulnerability, which is grooming. They knew that what they were doing was a crime, because as you said, they even asked your age. Going back again and again after the first experience of sexual activity may have been a conscious decision, but you couldn't have made any other decision - once you've had it happen once, you're going to do it again whether because of feeling low and wanting the sexual stimulation, because of escapism or because it's become apart of your arousal template.
You wouldn't have made the decision to go back if they hadn't carried out the activities they did in the first place (when they knew you were underage). You wouldn't have had this be added to your arousal template either, so it wouldn't have made you desire it and go back for it. That's enough for it to be their fault and not yours.
cumulus.james said:
I know what I need to do, I need to stop drinking, start going to the gym again, get back to my university course and start going back into the world (I barely leave my flat these days). But I just cant seem to do any of it. Every day I drink I think to myself 'this is the last day' then when I do it again I think 'I'll just do it this one more time, just to say goodbye to it'. But I can't seem to get out of that pattern.
Saying 'I'll just do it this one more time, just to say goodbye to it' is a trap and the only way to break it is to say 'no' instead. I remember going through that trap once and it took me a month before I was finally able to say 'no' and actually tough it out (it wasn't with alcohol though).
A strategy that often works well for addictions is to tell your mind that you'll consume it in 4 hours, then when 4 hours is up, repeat and delay it by a further 4 hours.
cumulus.james said:
So I think maybey I keep a hold of those memories because I am the only one who could ever give that boy a hug. And I can't go back in time and hug him, so thats a pardox.
That makes sense. You can be hugged in the future though.
