Maybe you have some advice to give me, I am at a point of non-return... this is going to be a long post, apologies.
I used to have a favorite aunt, well, my childhood was really very bleak, terrible relations with mother and father, I was left completely alone in a very unhealthy situation, and this aunt was young pretty funny and she would take me along on her trips, where I was mostly forced to stay with adults and scolded constantly because I wouldn't behave. But at least I would see some people, and to tell the truth I was not great company, I was completely shy and I would barely talk.
Later on we kept being "best friends", for years we would call each other almost daily (she lives in another city), and we knew everything about each other, although regularly every few years there would be a scene because she wasn't really paying attention to my feelings, so the problem was maybe always there.
Then in 2003 her mother died, and in 2004 I became very ill of an illness she didn't think was real (!), I don't know the cause but she started pulling away and not telling me about her feelings anymore.
She sometimes would drop that she was very depressed, but she refused to talk about it. For some years she was clearly drunk almost every evening, but wouldn't talk, then she stopped drinking. She admitted that she didn't call me much because I was talking too much about being ill (I was in a wheelchair for a long time, and struggled to find a way to keep living, being ill was all my life).
I noticed that the best way NOT to hear from her for a while was to say over the phone how much I appreciated her calling and if she could call more often.
I saw her once in four years, she didn't show any interest in my troubles, then I got better (a bit), I told her and THEN she decided to have her holidays at my place for three weeks. She was really upset that I still couldn't walk much and was not well, and she yelled at me for three weeks. After that we spoke less over the phone, and I had the impression that she wouldn't tell me things anymore like she used to, when I called her on that she, more than once, stated that "she was a superficial person and just enjoyed chit chat" (!). She has a phobia against illness of any kind, and can't even talk about it, tough luck for me.
In 2013 she came for christmas, again I offered her some days and she came for 10, and they were the worst days of my life, she was in a terrible mood all the time, angry at me all the time, scary angry so that I couldn't just set a boundary and tell her to stop. Also, she was still contributing to my living expenses (I was paying a really high rent then), so I owned her. Also she used to be my best friend, it was so painful.
After she left, I noticed that in months, maybe years, she never showed any interest in how I was, and that I was always volunteering information when she clearly didn't want to know. I decided to stop telling her anything meaningful about my life, unless she asked me. She asked me, after 14 months (!!). After I told her what happened in that period (lots), she was extremely angry that I hadn't told her, and refused to admit that she never asked me.
Now my life has changed completely, and she still has no idea of who I am and what I will do, but now she did ask very briefly by email to explain better what happened, and what I will do now.
She is planning trips all around the world, she has her acquaintances, she works, she doesn't seem so bad off, she just doesn't seem to care about me anymore even if she swears that "she lives just for me" (! just... wow). She said that she didn't call when she heard that I was having so many problems because "she was afraid that I would get angry".
Now I don't need her money anymore, and I just would like to tell her to f;&% off and get out of my life, because she still makes me so angry and sad (for years after each phone call or email I was crying and/or swearing for hours), but my mother says that I have no other relatives and that before there was so much love, so I shouldn't write her off completely.
She strongly refuses to admit that she is doing anything wrong, I even offered her to move to her city for some weeks to see a family therapist together, guess her answer. In parallel to all this, she makes phone calls to my mother to ask why I don't love her anymore, and how am I doing, but she never asked *me*. My mother told her to ask me directly, but she wouldn't do it.
I don't know what to do with this woman... honestly somewhere in the last two years I really stopped having feelings for her. She writes letters that are meant to a different person, I changed and she doesn't know me anymore, and she doesn't want to spend time knowing me.
What can I do? This is a huge sadness in my life, I miss how she used to be and I feel sad that I could be here to love her and she would have none of that. And I feel a LOT of resentment. I don't know if I should just keep distance, because now she asked me to tell her everything that happened last year, and I just don't know how to do that without blaming her for not being there for me.
And she WILL feel blamed and get angry. But if I don't tell her, she will get angry. No way out. I don't understand how to deal with her. Now she writes that she feels I am sad, but I am sad only when I think of her.
I used to have a favorite aunt, well, my childhood was really very bleak, terrible relations with mother and father, I was left completely alone in a very unhealthy situation, and this aunt was young pretty funny and she would take me along on her trips, where I was mostly forced to stay with adults and scolded constantly because I wouldn't behave. But at least I would see some people, and to tell the truth I was not great company, I was completely shy and I would barely talk.
Later on we kept being "best friends", for years we would call each other almost daily (she lives in another city), and we knew everything about each other, although regularly every few years there would be a scene because she wasn't really paying attention to my feelings, so the problem was maybe always there.
Then in 2003 her mother died, and in 2004 I became very ill of an illness she didn't think was real (!), I don't know the cause but she started pulling away and not telling me about her feelings anymore.
She sometimes would drop that she was very depressed, but she refused to talk about it. For some years she was clearly drunk almost every evening, but wouldn't talk, then she stopped drinking. She admitted that she didn't call me much because I was talking too much about being ill (I was in a wheelchair for a long time, and struggled to find a way to keep living, being ill was all my life).
I noticed that the best way NOT to hear from her for a while was to say over the phone how much I appreciated her calling and if she could call more often.
I saw her once in four years, she didn't show any interest in my troubles, then I got better (a bit), I told her and THEN she decided to have her holidays at my place for three weeks. She was really upset that I still couldn't walk much and was not well, and she yelled at me for three weeks. After that we spoke less over the phone, and I had the impression that she wouldn't tell me things anymore like she used to, when I called her on that she, more than once, stated that "she was a superficial person and just enjoyed chit chat" (!). She has a phobia against illness of any kind, and can't even talk about it, tough luck for me.
In 2013 she came for christmas, again I offered her some days and she came for 10, and they were the worst days of my life, she was in a terrible mood all the time, angry at me all the time, scary angry so that I couldn't just set a boundary and tell her to stop. Also, she was still contributing to my living expenses (I was paying a really high rent then), so I owned her. Also she used to be my best friend, it was so painful.
After she left, I noticed that in months, maybe years, she never showed any interest in how I was, and that I was always volunteering information when she clearly didn't want to know. I decided to stop telling her anything meaningful about my life, unless she asked me. She asked me, after 14 months (!!). After I told her what happened in that period (lots), she was extremely angry that I hadn't told her, and refused to admit that she never asked me.
Now my life has changed completely, and she still has no idea of who I am and what I will do, but now she did ask very briefly by email to explain better what happened, and what I will do now.
She is planning trips all around the world, she has her acquaintances, she works, she doesn't seem so bad off, she just doesn't seem to care about me anymore even if she swears that "she lives just for me" (! just... wow). She said that she didn't call when she heard that I was having so many problems because "she was afraid that I would get angry".
Now I don't need her money anymore, and I just would like to tell her to f;&% off and get out of my life, because she still makes me so angry and sad (for years after each phone call or email I was crying and/or swearing for hours), but my mother says that I have no other relatives and that before there was so much love, so I shouldn't write her off completely.
She strongly refuses to admit that she is doing anything wrong, I even offered her to move to her city for some weeks to see a family therapist together, guess her answer. In parallel to all this, she makes phone calls to my mother to ask why I don't love her anymore, and how am I doing, but she never asked *me*. My mother told her to ask me directly, but she wouldn't do it.
I don't know what to do with this woman... honestly somewhere in the last two years I really stopped having feelings for her. She writes letters that are meant to a different person, I changed and she doesn't know me anymore, and she doesn't want to spend time knowing me.
What can I do? This is a huge sadness in my life, I miss how she used to be and I feel sad that I could be here to love her and she would have none of that. And I feel a LOT of resentment. I don't know if I should just keep distance, because now she asked me to tell her everything that happened last year, and I just don't know how to do that without blaming her for not being there for me.
And she WILL feel blamed and get angry. But if I don't tell her, she will get angry. No way out. I don't understand how to deal with her. Now she writes that she feels I am sad, but I am sad only when I think of her.