Death anyone?

[cumulus.james]

Was the only selfish thing I ever remember him doing. Been many years and I can't say I'll ever really forgive him.

Really? and you aren't selfish for wanting him to continue in pain? He probably suffered in silence if it's the only selfish thing you can think of that he did.

He had more close friends than anyone I know, and he never asked a one for help. He left behind a new born baby that will never know him.
I never said I wasn't selfish for what it's worth.

I wonder if they were really close friends if nobody knew what he was going through. To be able to put on an act like that...it probably required a lot of emotional energy.

Oh it does. I used to work in a large supermarket on the booze department (ironic ain't it) and we had an armoured store where the stock of alcohol was kept, and often times I was the only one on duty for that department, but I was often the duty (fill in) manager for the store or other departments. One day I took a pack of razor blades off the health and beauty, went and sat in my warehouse, began crying and cutting myself, then a call for me would come out on the tannoy. So I had to pull my sleeves down and compose myself and go out and tend to a customer and be all happy and smiley and "normal". This happened quite a few times before I went to my doctor and told them I was suicidal. It was emotionally exhausting.

But it also did me harm. Learning to contain my feelings and act "normal" I sometimes had a struggle to get the PDoc to believe I was depressed. People tend to think if you can speak normally, hold eye contact and converse that you have nothing wrong with you. Another thing about being male is you really don't like anyone to see your venerabilites, so there is a strong desire to hide them.

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Derealization/depersonalization doesn't mean you're crazy, far from it. It's simply a symptom of anxiety, a way of your brain and body coping when you get overwhelmed. Reading about the issues that affect you is a very important way of understanding what is going on with yourself, learning how to cope when you do feel strange and most likely will alleviate some of the stress and worry you've placed on yourself.

I don't like the fact I am severely mentally ill. From that first time the list of diagnoses and symptoms keeps growing and I really don't like it. People think you are a danger or wierdo.

I just wan't to be normal.

you ARE normal. You are a human, that's how humans are. We're not perfect. You had a bad past that hurt you and still haunts you, don't blame yourself for it. It's not your fault. Sadly, we don't get to choose fully what happens in our life.

While trying to find what troubles you and fighting it may help overcome it, sometimes focusing on that, and reaching the root of the problem may make things worse.
I'd say stop trying to find all your flaws, and focus on your good parts, get some confidence and try to stop disliking yourself so much. You are not alone, Im pretty sure the majority of us on these forums have issues too, and trust me, we dont see you as a weirdo or a freak. You're just a normal person that had a rough life, that's it, there is nothing wrong about it, other than the fact that it sucks that you dont feel good.

Thanks, I know the things I need to do, stop wallowing is the first thing.