T
tennisgirl
Guest
I am really struggling with my depression at the moment, I have no concentration, I don’t want to be around people and I feel so useless, as well as not trusting anything I do. I always feel like this to an extent but the severity has increased to a level I feel I can’t cope with. I am feeling so much despair, I don’t know what to do. I’ve no idea why I’m posting this... there’s no point to it. I just felt like writing. The problem is, people forget. I’ve told my mother, father, sister about how I feel... They sympathise for a while and they forget. They move on with their lives but they don’t see me rooted at the same spot with a pained look in my eyes. They try to cheer me up and it may even work for all of 1 hour. Then what? I feel bad, though, because why should I let my problems affect their lives? When you're depressed and you have "loved ones" trying to make you get out of it, they just don't get it, it's like your own little world, and people need a password to get in. I just feel worthless and like I’m a burden on everyone around me. It hurts, I feel so alone, and I feel like screaming because no one knows the pain. When I try to let people in, I just end up feeling guilty for dumping all my problems on them. The worst part is when you have no one to talk to... & you feel like you are a burden to those very few that you do have in your life. I even feel like a burden to the one person I feel comfortable opening up to online, or like I’m relying on them too much. I know that I can do things for myself to make myself feel better. Most of the time It’s so hard to even do that. I played piano a little bit today and that was okay. I just feel overwhelming sadness right now and my anxiety is so bad, it ******* hurts. I feel like such a weak person and I find it so hard to talk about how I feel. I get embarrassed and ashamed to be like this. I even feel ashamed for posting this here... but then, none of you know me, so I guess that makes it easier. Why is guilt so alive when you are down. Eh, who knows if I’m even making any sense here. I am one of those people that by anyone else's standards shouldn't be depressed (have supportive family, good education etc) but I guess questionning whether I have the right to be depressed compared to others is not going make any difference to the way I feel. Telling myself that I shouldn’t be depressed because there are people worse off than me just makes me feel even worse. When does that day come when I don’t need to spend most of my time at home because I can’t go out due to depression and anxiety? When will my heart will be released from pain? I’m just so tired and lost. I feel too weak to get better, yet I'm too weak to end things. Everything is a mess. I'm so pathetic. I can't do even simple things... god what the hell am I going here on this planet, why am I still alive... everything just goes so wrong. I need too much help. I feel so lost and disconnected from this society. I thought I was ok. I felt, dare I say, good for a few days, I've tried to think rationally about the steps I need to take to overcome this and the anxiety. Now, suddenly, it feels like the floor dropped out from under my feet. Why? I don't understand. Life is one mystery and I don’t want to feel this pain anymore. People say “try to be happier”... Am I the only one who feels like I didn’t get that manual on how to be happier? Somewhere along the way, I didn’t pick up the tools, so why do people keep telling me to be happy when I just don’t know how. I honestly can't remember what it feels like to be happy. Everything just seems so out of control, and I think I’m going to lose it pretty soon. I’ve run out of reasons why I should live. I am always afraid of everything. I am always alone... even when I’m not. I live a nightmare each and everyday and I feel trapped within my own mind. I can’t get out. I feel like I don’t want to live, but I’m kept alive by a small part of me that is silently holding on to the hope that things might get better. I’m going to see a therapist next week. Probably should have done this years ago. I feel as if it is the last option. I can’t do it on my own anymore... but what is she going to tell me that I don’t already know? I’m having a very hard time and just want to give up. I don’t want to deal with it all anymore. I just want to scream “why the hell am I like this, why can’t I just feel happy?” I don’t know why I feel like crap and why I just can’t see the light. I can’t think of a reason why I am this person, I mean I know that it’s all my fault that I have depression, but it’s affecting my whole life. I just want some hope that things can change.
Ok, that’s enough. Sorry for writing all this rubbish. I don’t even know why I’m posting this. I probably sound like an attention seeking brat. I know I’m negative, pessimistic and all those other bad things and I really should have tried to be more “positive” with my post... I guess I just wrote what was in my head.
Ok, that’s enough. Sorry for writing all this rubbish. I don’t even know why I’m posting this. I probably sound like an attention seeking brat. I know I’m negative, pessimistic and all those other bad things and I really should have tried to be more “positive” with my post... I guess I just wrote what was in my head.