disagree or agree already

[xBlindMelonx]

I have to ask y'all a question : If some one you love tells you that theyre gonna call child protective services on you and that they would get away with it, like they would take care of me. Why say that unless you are an abuser telling the abused that theres nowhere to go and no one will help you. I feel so abused right now. my boyfriend has told me so many many things to make me believe that he is pure evil. how can I stop getting abused by him? I just have to ask y'all. isnt that trying to intimidate you, saying that i could lose my child or get arrested? I am a very good mother. I have spent , from the moment i found out i was pregnant, i dedicate everything to my daughter. i need help. i am being abused.

 

[Callie]

There are women shelters and victims assistance hotlines you can call to get help. Look them up. You can also call the cops and make a report and possibly get a restraining order against him.

As far as CPS goes, I wouldn't worry about that. If you are doing nothing wrong, then there's nothing to be afraid of, even if he DOES call and report you for something he makes up. They will probably investigate it (they HAVE to in Ohio) but if there's nothing to be found, they can't do anything. They won't take your child away just because someone made a claim about you, they would investigate first.

 

[VanillaCreme]

How can you stop being abused by him? Leave him. People rarely change, unless you make the necessary steps so the law makes him change his ways. You're deciding to stay with him. I was in an abusive relationship, and I got out of it.

 

[A new life]

My best suggestion is to do two things IN THIS ORDER:
1) Find out-of-state friends or relatives who can take your kid for a while.
2) Leave the man, and get a restraining order if need be.

You don't need crazies in your life.
You don't want to get into "the system" if you aren't already. (I must respectfully disagree with Callie on this issue)

My alternate plan would be to VANISH with your kid to another state and leave no forwarding address.
Then get a prepaid cellphone and a borrowed car that aren't in your own name.



Good luck to you.

 

[VanillaCreme]

If that's his child, taking the child out of state would work against her. So I wouldn't suggest that. He'd have something to use against her. You know, the typical, "She's keeping my kid away from me!" bit. I wouldn't do that.

 

[Callie]

It may be different here than it is elsewhere, but I've dealt with victims assistance before and it was an ENTIRELY good call to do so. I'm giving her the options she has, she can take them or leave them, but those are basically it.

 

[ShybutHi]

I dont really have much advice as i have never been in or known anyone in this situation.

I am going to be brutally honest. Certainly leave him if it is possible.

Why do so many women get with and stick with abusive men? I mean seriously who would want to be with an abusive partner? That is NOT a relationship and if you think it is then you are simply lying to yourself. I think staying with someone abusive is quite possibly one of the worst things you can do with your life... what a waste of time dedicating your life to someone who isnt worth it, someone who simply has no respect.


I never understood why people allow themselves to suffer like this, why they would put themselves in a situation with someone who isnt worth it. I come from a social group where everyone has alot of respect, everyone is actually nice to each other and enjoy socializing, having a laugh. Thats what its like when it comes to relationships aswell with regards to all of my friends, there is always mutual respect and honesty with a partner. I mean surely thats the whole point in you being with your partner, you are with them because you respect them and love them as a fellow human being and what they are like as a person.

 

[A new life]

I dont really have much advice as i have never been in or known anyone in this situation.

I am going to be brutally honest. Certainly leave him if it is possible.

Why do so many women get with and stick with abusive men? I mean seriously who would want to be with an abusive partner? That is NOT a relationship and if you think it is then you are simply lying to yourself. I think staying with someone abusive is quite possibly one of the worst things you can do with your life... what a waste of time dedicating your life to someone who isnt worth it, someone who simply has no respect.


I never understood why people allow themselves to suffer like this, why they would put themselves in a situation with someone who isnt worth it. I come from a social group where everyone has alot of respect, everyone is actually nice to each other and enjoy socializing, having a laugh. Thats what its like when it comes to relationships aswell with regards to all of my friends, there is always mutual respect and honesty with a partner. I mean surely thats the whole point in you being with your partner, you are with them because you respect them and love them as a fellow human being and what they are like as a person.

Abusive men are "confident" aren't they?
And from everything I've heard and read that seems
to be the magic quality that makes all the other sins and flaws tolerable.
It could be all bullshit and bluster but they're "confident."
Could be a serial killer, or work for the IRS but if he's "confident"............

OK, I'm done. End of rant.

 

[Callie]

Because after a period of time, what they tell you, the verbal abuse that they instill in you becomes ingrained. We believe what they tell us, we believe that no one else is gonna want us. We believe that we would be worthless without them.
Whether they say those words exactly or not isn't the point. It's just there, something we have to realize isn't true. Hell it took mine leaving ME to make me see what was actually going on.
When we fight back, whether verbally or physically, they plead and make us believe in them again, make us trust them again. It's a never ending cycle until the person being abused sees what's actually going on and stops it. Doesn't mean we wouldn't eventually go back tho. Just means that at the time, we see it and we do what we have to do to be safe. People who aren't in an abusive relationship or who haven't been won't understand the psychological honeysuckle that goes on in our heads, it's impossible to know unless you've been through it.
Some may call us weak, and maybe we are... but we just wanna be loved, and sometimes it comes to us thinking THEY are the only person who is going to love us. Maybe it's not true, okay, it IS NOT TRUE, but in our heads, at the time when we are the weakest, it is. When we can push that away and go around it, then we can escape, then we can be safe... from ourselves, just as much as from them.

****, I'm in a rambling mood today... hope that made sense, cuz I don't feel like proofreading it.

 

[ShybutHi]

Some may call us weak, and maybe we are... but we just wanna be loved, and sometimes it comes to us thinking THEY are the only person who is going to love us. Maybe it's not true, okay, it IS NOT TRUE, but in our heads, at the time when we are the weakest, it is.

Yeah that is obviously not true because im sorry but anyone who is abusive to their partner does NOT love them and there are plenty of nice single guy's out there who would give a girl all the love she wanted if you let them. The reason for the abuse may be anger issues but even if that is the reason this person should not take anything out on their partner. I dont think anyone who is abusive to their partner really loves them no matter how much they say they do. They may have an attachment for the person, whether mental, physical or both but its not "love", its just "dependancy" on that person.


Also to reply to what A new life said. Confidence is key, I agree. Problem is there is confidence and there is Ego too... When someone is too confident its usually because they are egotistical, for some reason this seems to attract women anyway, personally I think having an ego is very weak. I dont think they deserve women, i think they deserve my fist hitting their face.

 

[Badjedidude]

Abusive men are "confident" aren't they?

Uhhh... most emphatically, NO.

Abusive men are abusive because they are NOT confident about who they are. If they were truly confident, then they wouldn't need to hurt someone else to feel stronger or to remain in control of their lives.

 

[ShybutHi]

Yeah you are right there Bjd, alot of guys out there who appear confident but its just a mask for their insecurities.

 

[A new life]

"You're like a diamond, and she treats you like glass. Yet you beg her to love you, but me you don't ask" ----- Gladys Knight

---

Abusive men are "confident" aren't they?

Uhhh... most emphatically, NO.

Abusive men are abusive because they are NOT confident about who they are. If they were truly confident, then they wouldn't need to hurt someone else to feel stronger or to remain in control of their lives.

Uhhh....
Hence my statement:
"It could be all bullshit and bluster...................."

 

[xBlindMelonx]

Thank you to all of you for caring enough to comment. I want to say a couple of things but before that I must say that this weekend I had the most traumatic fight with my boyfriend..and the reason why its getting to a point where I am NOW speaking OUT. No, It is not my choice to love someone who doesn't love me.No, I am not sticking around because I am crazy and I love to be abused. IT IS A LOT MORE COMPLICATED then "oh just leave him " and even with the abuse, I believe he loves me but he is too selfish to change. He is a con artist and he is very manipulative character. I never thought I would be in a relationship like this. I dont expect anyone to understand and I dont know why I am speaking out -all i know is that whats bottled-up inside must come out, so i can breathe in fresh air!!!!
wouldnt we have world peace if not a single soul had an ego?

 

[nerdygirl]

You've decided he's abusive, but you love him... and he loves you in his own special way. And regardless of how everybody else feels, it's your relationship, and your choice to stay with him. You're right. It's your choice to stay in an abusive relationship. You want to stay and put up with it for whatever garbage you've told yourself to make it acceptable? Fine. I leave you to it.

What about your daughter?

"I am a very good mother. I have spent , from the moment i found out i was pregnant, i dedicate everything to my daughter."

As long as you stay with a man who is a threat to your child, you are not dedicating everything to your daughter. I'm sure you could be a very good mother... but you're not there yet. Very good mothers do not force their kids to grow up in environments where they are constantly exposed to abuse. Very good mothers do not stay in situations where their children are in danger.

Don't fool yourself into assuming you're be safe if CPS gets involved. I've overheard case workers talk about enjoying the power trip of taking kids away. CPS says they'll try to place the child in foster care with families, but I've seen suitable homes rejected. This one girl's baby was taken before they even got out of the hospital from its birth because her divorce from an abusive guy (who was incarcerated when she got pregnant and who wouldn't be released for a couple more years) wasn't finalized yet. The girl wasn't just innocent- she was a victim who was trying to leave the situation. The baby was with another guy, and they wouldn't give him custody, either. So if you're relying on Truth, Justice, bla bla bla... forget it.

You can be a good mother, or you can raise a child in an abusive environment. Pick one, because you can't have both. Hate me for saying it if you want, but accept it.

 

[Sci-Fi]

First, if he is the father of your child then you need to be extra careful what you do, depending on the laws in your area. I had a friend who lived in another province, when she decided to leave her husband she picked up the kids and flew half way across the country with them. He had no idea where she or they were until she got here and called him. He could have easily had her charged for kidnapping and had her tossed in jail, thankfully he didn't. He wasn't abusive or anything like your boyfriend, just a cheater. So don't do that, stay in your area.

Another thing you can do, depending on how bad he gets and if you fear for you child's safety you can call child services yourself. They will investigate the situation and assist you if need be. This will put you under their thumb and rules though, and if they find he's not a danger to the children then you could end up in a deeper hole so be careful doing that.

He sounds like a creep, sorry but he does. He knows exactly what to say and do, if you want out you have to stick to your guns and do it no matter what he says. Even if he says he'll get help, tell him to get it first then you two can go from there. You can't let him rule you and manipulate you into staying because he promises this or that, or makes you believe you will be worse off if you leave, etc. You can't stay with him anymore, even if you just go stay with family/friends, it will take you shaking up his world dramatically to get him to change and see the light. Until you do that things may never change, and you may never really know if he does truly love you like you've said. You don't deserve to be treated like that, no one does. But from what you've said here it sounds like staying isn't helping you much either. For him to use child services against you is a dirt bag move. If you don't mistreat your child you have nothing to worry about. Check it out for yourself if you want to. People have a misunderstanding of what child services is all about. All you hear are one sided horror stories from the parent, instead of the real truth behind what happened.

 

[xBlindMelonx]

TO: nerdygirl and anyone else who fits her mold
i dont hate what you said and to accept your sarcasm is retarded, it would be worse than eating garbage that has been rotten for months, I would erase my post but it is better to leave it up so anyone can see how people are so egoistic! . if you dont understand what i am writing down then dont reply with negativity and trying to quote shite i didnt say. DONT WORRY Y'ALL-I WONT BE POSTING MY PERSONAL BUSINESS SINCE THEY ARE STLL UNFRIENDLY PEOPLE OUT THERE TRYING TO PUT OTHERS DOWN TO MAKE THEMSELVES FEEL LIKE THEY GOT POWER

 

[VanillaCreme]

Exactly Sci-Fi, so for those thinking, "Oh, just take your child and leave," it's not that simple. She can't just "run away" to another section of the country. Regardless of being abusive, the father has rights too, that can't be taken away for no reason.

 

[ShybutHi]

TO: nerdygirl and anyone else who fits her mold
i dont hate what you said and to accept your sarcasm is retarded, it would be worse than eating garbage that has been rotten for months, I would erase my post but it is better to leave it up so anyone can see how people are so egoistic! . if you dont understand what i am writing down then dont reply with negativity and trying to quote shite i didnt say. DONT WORRY Y'ALL-I WONT BE POSTING MY PERSONAL BUSINESS SINCE THEY ARE STLL UNFRIENDLY PEOPLE OUT THERE TRYING TO PUT OTHERS DOWN TO MAKE THEMSELVES FEEL LIKE THEY GOT POWER

Nerdygirl is right though. This is classic denial just what to expect from someone in a bad situation like this. I mean you justify you partner and what he does even though he is abusing you?. You said he loves you... he does not love you. Its such a typical misconception from women in a bad relationship and its such a typical misconception of what the word love is defined as. No one who abuses their partner loves them and if they think they do then they need to learn a thing or two, they need to experience what its like being in a proper happy loving relationship or with a social group of nice people because these people in the bad situation have warped perception and definitions.

Sometimes you have got to be upfront with people when they cant see the truth. You got all defensive because you thought it was a personal attack when actually all it is, is brutal honesty to help you help yourself and get a better grasp on this seemingly bad situation that you are in.

 

[nerdygirl]

TO: nerdygirl and anyone else who fits her mold
i dont hate what you said and to accept your sarcasm is retarded, it would be worse than eating garbage that has been rotten for months, I would erase my post but it is better to leave it up so anyone can see how people are so egoistic! . if you dont understand what i am writing down then dont reply with negativity and trying to quote shite i didnt say. DONT WORRY Y'ALL-I WONT BE POSTING MY PERSONAL BUSINESS SINCE THEY ARE STLL UNFRIENDLY PEOPLE OUT THERE TRYING TO PUT OTHERS DOWN TO MAKE THEMSELVES FEEL LIKE THEY GOT POWER

I just read and reread my post. Sorry, there is no sarcasm in there. I was being absolutely up front and honest. You were fine and dandy with people telling you to leave because you've already thought about it and decided you can tough it out. You're upset with me because I pointed out that your child doesn't have a choice, and that a good mother has to protect her child.

Knowing that I could point out any truth and you'll probably dismiss it, and both you and your child would suffer... dredging up my own memories... you think posting made me feel powerful? If anything, it made me sad and uncomfortable.

I'm not sorry if I made you angry, because I doubt you thought about the ramifications for your child.