disgusted with the person i used to be

[Trent]

i used to be such a tool. i trusted everything that everyone said to me. i put my faith in people. i put their needs above my own. i believed in the honor of my fellow man. i believed in fairy tales and happy endings. i believed i was different, special, somehow 'inherently' deserving of good things. i was good-natured to a fault. subordinated myself to undeserving third parties as a way of fitting in. willfully wore blinders and somehow brainwashed myself into forgetting i had them on. through this all, i was incessantly jovial.

what the fresia was wrong with me?

anybody else ever look back with utter disgust and shame on the person you used to be?

if i saw the old me walking down the street now, i would sucker punch him in the face and steal his wallet.

 

[perfanoff]

Well I used to be that person.. now I give out myself to fewer people. But I do realize at some level that no good deed goes unpunished.

I really have a dream that at some point there will be people that I can implicitly trust. And if it's just a naive dream, I'm not sure I want to wake up from it. After all, without dreams, what do I have to live for?

 

[Bob Arctor]

if i saw the old me walking down the street now, i would sucker punch him in the face and steal his wallet.

Wow sounds like you've made great strides.

 

[Juri]

I wish I could be able to actually trust people instead of just getting paranoid over wether they just abuse my friendship or not... Especially if my distrust and envy ends up hurting the people I care about.

Being unable to trust is just as bad as to be blue eyed... It's about finding balance and good people...

I think our society is in a downward spiral that punishes just being a good person and having a heart. Good people get fooled and hurt by bad people and become bad people themselves and so on...

 

[IgnoredOne]

I'm pretty disgusted with who I was.

 

[Naleena]

if i saw the old me walking down the street now, i would sucker punch him in the face and steal his wallet.

I like that kind person you are talking about. He seemed compassionate and kind. I'd remind him that he needed to care for himself as much as he cared for others, but a person like that, I would think he was very special because of his heart.

 

[Sci-Fi]

No not really, just disgusted with how much I would trust people.

 

[Trent]

do you guys/gals think that it's a coincidence that many people who claims to be "lonely" (and find their way to this board) also seem to claim that they have "trusted too much" either in the present or past?

seems like a pattern.

curious what others may think...

 

[SophiaGrace]

I like that kind person you are talking about. He seemed compassionate and kind.

+1

 

[BrokenInside]

I was and i am still like that.

 

[Trent]

I like that kind person you are talking about. He seemed compassionate and kind.

+1

he was weak

he just didn't realize it

the world and its riches belong to the bold

and none other

 

[SophiaGrace]

I think we all enter this world trusting and believing in everything then, when the world shows us otherwise we shut that down. However, some people don't do that and this may sound strange, but when i meet someone like that, i simultaneously think they are a fool and cherish them for it.

I cherish them for believing people's goodness because so many people seem to not believe that, it motivates me to actually prove to them that I am a good person and makes me even more emotionally invested in them than I would be in others.

Believe in me, and you're going to get a return. Spurn me and I will hate you.

---

I like that kind person you are talking about. He seemed compassionate and kind.

+1

he was weak

he just didn't realize it

the world and its riches belong to the bold

and none other

You can be compassionate and kind without letting people walk all over you. You can protect yourself but also hold out a hand to those in pain.

I believe it can be done.

---

If in the past you have invested in someone with no return, that is not your fault. What you did was still a good thing and you should be proud of yourself for that.

 

[Gutted]

You remind me of a friend who I've not been able to speak to for a while now. He seems to have cut himself off from the world. I wish he would see how he is like you have. As for me, I was a bit of a trouble maker when I was younger. I think a lot of people go through such a phase though. I don't think I was a bad person though. In some ways, I was happier back then, despite having lots of troubles.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

do you guys/gals think that it's a coincidence that many people who claims to be "lonely" (and find their way to this board) also seem to claim that they have "trusted too much" either in the present or past?

seems like a pattern.

curious what others may think...

I guess......I have fucken trust issues. i can admit that.
Have you ever thought about reading some co dependency literature?
I read on some of your histroy. Been on the addiction side myself.
The codependent honeysuckle is really wierd...cuase Im clean and sober
doing those fucken patterns.lol

However...I am a sweet and loveable dude.
All those good quilaties I have are reason why some women are attracted to me.
The think of it is...I can never hate myself for loving Renae.

I wasnt borned yesterday or wet behind the ears...
I dont have all the answers...But im knowlegeable about plenty of things...expecailly toxic realtionship, drugs abused, alcholism...ect
Whatever lies Renae or honeysuckle she's gonna pull Ive heard them all before. I dont live in denial of it. Im will awear of it.....

She wansnt the first person I lived with that has issues and tons of it.
It's a family disease. Maybe by DNA and lots of conditioning.

Our duaghter hitted the jacket. She sufferes from both side of the coin
as we do....Very loving, very trusting. She's having a hardtime coming
to terms with it herself.....

I cant hate myself...Trent
My duaghter needs me.
See...even what I juat wrote is a pattern....of putting other people above myself.
Yes...she's my daughter. i love her very much. Sometimes it's not easy to wrap my head and heart around our lives....

I need me...man.
I need me...even if it's not all about me...I stll need me first and foremost.
Beating up on myself with guilt and shames isnt going to do anyone any good, especailly me.
I love Renae and Kimi very much....

 

[Trent]

I cant hate myself...Trent
My duaghter needs me.

bingo

 

[ardour]

Embarrassed by your former need-to-pleasiness... yes ok I can understand, but "disgusted"?

 

[Felix]

I have to agree with SophiaGrace on this one. Being "bold" or being "tough" might be a good quality in this world... But if you're like that all the time it ends up being weak... It's like you're masking something deep inside you that you can't tolerate to see. Something you can't get over so you just hide it behind a strong appearence to everyone, including yourself.

 

[ardour]

I have to agree with SophiaGrace on this one. Being "bold" or being "tough" might be a good quality in this world... But if you're like that all the time it ends up being weak... It's like you're masking something deep inside you that you can't tolerate to see. Something you can't get over so you just hide it behind a strong appearence to everyone, including yourself.

a bit like overcompensating for insecurity.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I dont think Trent was over compensating. I read his story.
I can relate to him in a lot of ways.

As males...we were taught of what it is to be a real man. Family centered.
To provide for our family. Make whatever sacrifies of ourselves for our love ones and our children.
I was also ex-military. So whatever sacrifies I needed to make..i'd laid down my life so others can live.
We believe in people. See the best in people...especailly our love ones.
In love and in sickness..through the good times and bad times..that we would stick it out and see things through.
Most it not all our lives we were taugh this. It's ingrained into us. Its our beliefs.

Trent tried to save his ex. Stood by her side through the hardtimes...but at the end she still ran out
on him. On top of that...there's a child envolved...It's not always easy nor cut and dry.
He's duaghter still loves her mother and in the back of her mind and heart...she still wish for her family.
The guilt and shame of not being able to keep his family together. A sense of faliure.
The pain he feels from his daughter's broken heart as well....
Yeah...as a man you do what you must do to try to keep it all together and make it work.
Bending over backward, swallowing your pride, put up with lots and lots of honeysuckle....
Be strong...Be strong...Be a man.
It's a totally different ball game than just dating someone or taking someone on a test drive.

The best posible thing that I did for myself was to date lots of different women.
I can write all day long that not all women are the same. I needed that experince. Hands on.
So that my mind, body and soul can fulley grasp it. I couldnt separate Sherry from other women no matter how much I read about.
I also had to take a chance on getting hurted again. I also learned how to say "no" to certain women.

Renae is definitely not the same as Sherry.
Reane is also the mother of my child. Renae gets plenty of leadway or room. I dont even put up with half the honeysuckle with other women
as I do with Renae.

 

[mawmaw]

you are not alone on this one. i hate the person that i used to be, made too many stupid mistakes. but i forgave myself at the end, made peace with my past. otherwise life goes hard on you and you know what is the benefit of hating the person that you used to be: nothing. it doesn't have any point since that you can't change your past, right? they are just memories. just focus on today. who you are today is the only thing that matters.