Empty

[InnerWorld]

I want to love someone, but I hate myself.

I want someone to understand me, but I can't seem to understand anyone else.

I want to be close to someone, but I won't let anyone get too close to me.

I want to talk to someone, but I always stop myself once someone starts to listen, even on a forum like this one.

Each time I take a step forward in my life, my loneliness catches up with me and I end up destroying everything I worked for. I used to think I had goals, but recently I've started to realise that my self-destructive habits may well mean I never reach them.

I hate what I see in the mirror. I hate being my own worst enemy. I hate living inside my own mind, even though it's what I feel most comfortable with. I hate feeling so boring and ugly. Most of all I hate pretending. People I know may think I can handle myself, and I can - but what they don't see is the piece of my heart and my sanity that I have to sacrifice each time I push through another problem alone.

The future is bleak.

I don't really know what to expect to gain from this post, but I think I've vented enough for now. Back to my shell I go.

 

[ChiCowboy]

I know there's someone who loves you, InnerWorld. That's what someone told me when I was in your present condition. She was right, though I didn't believe her at the time.

Venting is always good. Lord, I know. Unfortunately, I made a pest of myself venting to everyone: Family, friends, co-workers, bartenders. They're all relieved that I've snapped out of it...for my sanity, but especially theirs.

 

[Solitary]

It is often like this for me as well. Those feelings that contradict each other are hard to overcome. All you could do is try to break this vicious cycle, but it's really not an easy thing to do, especially not on your own. That shell which you built has a purpose of keeping you safe, right? But it only traps your needs within yourself and there's no possibility of letting them out and getting a response to them which is so necessary.

You have no reason to hate yourself, that much I believe is true no matter what. And there is no shame in being where you are right now - you're not alone in feeling what you feel. Just remember that there's always something you can do to alleviate it - at least try. It may not help, but hey, at least you will have tried.

The point of this incoherent post is that you don't have to accept this as if it's meant to be that way. I don't know why it happened to you, but you know. And by knowing, you could try and counter it, try to return some spark into your life by breaking the shell. These are just words - I know. But there's good intention behind it, so please don't think I'm trying to just act like I know all about it. I'm just trying to tell you, however incoherently, that there's always something to be done. Always.

I believe there is always someone who is willing to help us somehow, only we sometimes tend to overlook that fact. We're not unlovable, no matter how much we sometimes convince ourselves that we are.

 

[grainofrice24]

InnerWorld, I couldn't have said it better myself. It's truly haunting how well you took the words out of my mouth. Best of luck brother...I'm pulling for you.

 

[Ivy]

life is like that, for many people in this world. Things you love, love you back. Then, they leave. Things you want to love, try to come. Then you go away. Funny how things work