Just venting

[user 190873]

I'm a 48 yo male. I don't dislike myself, I'm not unhappy, not objectively lonely, not depressed, not without some friends, I love my job and I'm loved by my partner. I just don't feel that I can be truly myself with others, well, with most people I meet. I'm good with them as long as I keep my masks on, speak their language and imitate their lives and share their pleasures. I think that in general I'm liked and accepted. But it's not really me whom people like and accept. It's someone who doesn't exist, just a picture I paint for them. I seem to live two separate lives and I can't bring them together regardless of how hard I try. Deep inside I feel different as if my brain works in some weird ways and processes facts differently. And when I try being myself people get confused. I don't think that what I am made of on deeper levels, the way I think and see things and my personal choices make much sense to anyone. I hate acting but I feel like an actor after all. I'm constantly torn. I am so exhausted. I want to rest and disappear.

Does anyone feel in a similar way?

I apologise for venting and the lack of proper introduction.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

I guess it depends on who's asking...

heh..

As for me, I am the quaking mess.

 

[user 190873]

I guess it depends on who's asking...

heh..

As for me, I am the quaking mess.

Thanks.

Do you know what is the reason or source of your mess? Has it always been like that?

 

[okidoke]

And when I try being myself people get confused. I don't think that what I am made of on deeper levels, the way I think and see things and my personal choices make much sense to anyone. I hate acting but I feel like an actor after all. I'm constantly torn. I am so exhausted. I want to rest and disappear.

So what if they’re confused? So what if they don’t understand you? Let them ask you questions, discover what you’re on about, what makes you tick. Let them learn who you are.

You are so lucky in many ways. Your whole intro is the complete opposite of my life and I wish each night to die in my sleep.

Take a chance and be yourself. You might lose some things, you might not. If you don’t want to risk any of it, learn to live with your acting or go see a therapist that might help you.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

Thanks.

Do you know what is the reason or source of your mess? Has it always been like that?

Good question.. Difficult question..

Ultimately, perhaps it is my own doing. I suppose it has come and gone, through out my life.

 

[user 190873]

Thank you Okidoki. I need to think about what you wrote. It all does make sense though. I feel sorry that life's so hard for you. Yes, I am somehow lucky.

 

[isthatso]

I'm a 48 yo male. I don't dislike myself, I'm not unhappy, not objectively lonely, not depressed, not without some friends, I love my job and I'm loved by my partner. I just don't feel that I can be truly myself with others, well, with most people I meet. I'm good with them as long as I keep my masks on, speak their language and imitate their lives and share their pleasures. I think that in general I'm liked and accepted. But it's not really me whom people like and accept. It's someone who doesn't exist, just a picture I paint for them. I seem to live two separate lives and I can't bring them together regardless of how hard I try. Deep inside I feel different as if my brain works in some weird ways and processes facts differently. And when I try being myself people get confused. I don't think that what I am made of on deeper levels, the way I think and see things and my personal choices make much sense to anyone. I hate acting but I feel like an actor after all. I'm constantly torn. I am so exhausted. I want to rest and disappear.

Does anyone feel in a similar way?

I apologise for venting and the lack of proper introduction.

I'm confused. It's all good but it's not all good?
As for acting, " life's a stage , we are merely players"
I'm acting now. Acting like I might understand a little of where you are coming from. But my acting is below par, isn't it.

 

[user 190873]

Good question.. Difficult question..

Ultimately, perhaps it is my own doing. I suppose it has come and gone, through out my life.

Your own doing? In the sense that you don't do enough or that consciously go against what may be good for you?

 

[isthatso]

I wish each night to die in my sleep.

I'm not quite there yet. Got a few things on my bucket list. And my dog needs me.
Wait until I'm better organised. Don't like leaving a mess. Must be my career in cleaning.

 

[user 190873]

I'm confused. It's all good but it's not all good?
As for acting, " life's a stage , we are merely players"
I'm acting now. Acting like I might understand a little of where you are coming from. But my acting is below par, isn't it.

Well, yes, eventually we all are actors on the life stage. I just don't particularly like the way my part is expected to be played. I just would like some more freedom.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

Your own doing? In the sense that you don't do enough or that consciously go against what may be good for you?

Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain...

 

[isthatso]

Well, yes, eventually we all are actors on the life stage. I just don't particularly like the way my part is expected to be played. I just would like some more freedom.

Rewrite your script. Spend more time editing. Shape into a character you might enjoy being around.

 

[user 190873]

Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain...

Alright, but from your perspective I am behind the curtain.

I think that's what I mean, I may try to pretend that there's no one there, but is that something they want me to? Does paying no attention to someone means that they don't exist. Omg, I'm sorry, Im getting tangled in my own thoughts

 

[TropicalStarfish]

Alright, but from your perspective I am behind the curtain.

I think that's what I mean, I may try to pretend that there's no one there, but is that something they want me to? Does paying no attention to someone means that they don't exist. Omg, I'm sorry, Im getting tangled in my own thoughts

From one man behind the curtain to another, perhaps.. heh heh

Now where'd I put my ruby slippers?


Perhaps I could remember, if I only had a brain...

And wasn't too cowardly to use it...

Maybe my heart is strong enough to pull me through...

 

[user 190873]

Rewrite your script. Spend more time editing. Shape into a character you might enjoy being around.

Yes, I've been thinking about it and I think it's doable. I'm not sure if I have enough energy and strength to start from the scratch.

 

[BabyAlligator]

I have a different problem, I cant wear a mask. You know that you are wearing a mask but can never quite match it to your face, as long as you know its a mask you can use it as an actor would; show the relfection of the world that always is and disappear into the background or show a Face on the mask. The Face of Comedy that goes along with the situation without your intervention, the Face of Tragedy that contradicts the situation to disasterous results, or a Face of Comedia shades the situation in the light of an Archetype. once you find yourself not changing masks you may find yourself not wearing one at all when you know your audience