Tuathaniel
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I'm sorry about what will most likely be a long post with hurt and confused ranting. It's almost 2:30 am where I live, and I was trying to go to bed and get some sleep, but I can't. My thoughts keep rewinding something that happened this evening, and surrounding circumstances.
I'll try not to get into all the endless details, but to make a long story slightly less long, I've been part of a large social circle for several years. Most of the people I've known and gotten along with, without us really being friends or anything, and some I've considered actual friends. A few have been considered close friends.
A couple of years ago, I started noticing some small changes. Some people I thought were my friends started excluding me from things. E.g. we had a regular game group, and suddenly that group started up other games, basically with each other and one new person instead of me. I tried bringing it up once, explain that it hurt, and more or less got yelled at with a snarky comment about "you can't expect to be part of EVERYTHING all the time." (Ignoring the fact that, apparently, that's what the others could expect.) I never brought it up again, but it's been stuck in my mind ever since, and after that I've never felt like I could truly be myself around them. Whenever something's been hurtful or uncomfortable, I've just ignored it.
Since then, things have gradually gotten worse. I've lost touch with more and more people, and I'm not sure why. One after another, they've all just started ignoring me and excluding me from stuff. I haven't had a fight with anyone, as far as I know, so I've obsessed a lot over possible reasons, and reached the conclusion that they've probably gotten sick of my depression, not wanting me around to bring them down (even though I try to not let it show when I'm around people).
This summer, someone I thought was a friend apparently had a birthday party. A pretty big one, in her large garden. My (then) best friend made the cake for it. I wasn't invited, didn't even know about it until after it was over, and my (then) best friend told me about her cake having been a big success. That hurt. Not only that I hadn't been invited, even though pretty much everyone I knew were, but also that my (then) best friend didn't even seem slightly insulted about the fact that I'd been excluded. "Some friend," I thought, but tried to forget about it.
I used to have another close friend. We hung out a lot last year. Then suddenly, in July this year, she ghosted. Claims she's going through stuff and can't really socialize and that she misses me, yet I notice her attending various social events all the time. She's active on Facebook and Snapchat, so it's easy to keep track. If she'd wanted to spend time with me, she would have.
Last weekend, there was some private, secret event going on. I randomly found out about it because a few people I know were invited and let it slip (one of them asked me to check on his cats while he was gone). The organizers were people I thought were friends. That also hurt. Tonight, during a game event, I made one bitter comment about it, and my ex best friend rolled her eyes and exclaimed "oh my god, how long are you going to keep bitching about that?" following her impersonating me with a mocking voice. I was stunned. Partly because that was the first time I had even mentioned to her that being excluded from the event was hurtful (I'm guessing she must have read a post on Facebook made by a common acquaintance who had also been excluded, where I commented my understanding and support), but also because I really would have expected her to sympathize. I certainly did not expect her to attack me like that, and mock me, in front of the four other people that were there. None of them spoke out in support of me. Not even my boyfriend. And that's basically why I can't sleep now.
She and the other girl (the one who ghosted) have pretty much been my only friends during the last year, so the fact that I now feel like I've lost them both is giving my depression a giant boost. I doubt I'll ever have the same relationship again with any of them, even if they at some point decide to include me in their lives again. It's devastating. Given time, I might be able to forgive, but I'm incapable of forgetting, and I know that once someone's hurt me properly, I will always associate the hurt feeling with that person, and start withdrawing. And I know I will never feel safe enough around them to open up and be myself again. I'll always be wearing my "I don't care about anything, see how happy I am" mask. That is, if we'll ever hang out again outside of a gaming event. Which, at this point, I highly doubt.
My hurt is doubled. First from being excluded from yet another event, and then now from having my ex best friend scold me for feeling that way. I feel hurt, embarrassed, angry and sad. After the game was over, I tried to talk to my boyfriend about it, because I was still so upset (after pretending like everything was fine for a couple of hours), but he just went straight for his phone and seemed completely uninterested. Another stab in the gut. Another tiny drop telling me that I'm worthless.
Another person I thought was a friend is having a Halloween party tomorrow. Guess who's not invited (though I have been every year before, up until now).
Thank you for reading. I really needed to get this off my chest. Now maybe I can try again to get some sleep.
I'll try not to get into all the endless details, but to make a long story slightly less long, I've been part of a large social circle for several years. Most of the people I've known and gotten along with, without us really being friends or anything, and some I've considered actual friends. A few have been considered close friends.
A couple of years ago, I started noticing some small changes. Some people I thought were my friends started excluding me from things. E.g. we had a regular game group, and suddenly that group started up other games, basically with each other and one new person instead of me. I tried bringing it up once, explain that it hurt, and more or less got yelled at with a snarky comment about "you can't expect to be part of EVERYTHING all the time." (Ignoring the fact that, apparently, that's what the others could expect.) I never brought it up again, but it's been stuck in my mind ever since, and after that I've never felt like I could truly be myself around them. Whenever something's been hurtful or uncomfortable, I've just ignored it.
Since then, things have gradually gotten worse. I've lost touch with more and more people, and I'm not sure why. One after another, they've all just started ignoring me and excluding me from stuff. I haven't had a fight with anyone, as far as I know, so I've obsessed a lot over possible reasons, and reached the conclusion that they've probably gotten sick of my depression, not wanting me around to bring them down (even though I try to not let it show when I'm around people).
This summer, someone I thought was a friend apparently had a birthday party. A pretty big one, in her large garden. My (then) best friend made the cake for it. I wasn't invited, didn't even know about it until after it was over, and my (then) best friend told me about her cake having been a big success. That hurt. Not only that I hadn't been invited, even though pretty much everyone I knew were, but also that my (then) best friend didn't even seem slightly insulted about the fact that I'd been excluded. "Some friend," I thought, but tried to forget about it.
I used to have another close friend. We hung out a lot last year. Then suddenly, in July this year, she ghosted. Claims she's going through stuff and can't really socialize and that she misses me, yet I notice her attending various social events all the time. She's active on Facebook and Snapchat, so it's easy to keep track. If she'd wanted to spend time with me, she would have.
Last weekend, there was some private, secret event going on. I randomly found out about it because a few people I know were invited and let it slip (one of them asked me to check on his cats while he was gone). The organizers were people I thought were friends. That also hurt. Tonight, during a game event, I made one bitter comment about it, and my ex best friend rolled her eyes and exclaimed "oh my god, how long are you going to keep bitching about that?" following her impersonating me with a mocking voice. I was stunned. Partly because that was the first time I had even mentioned to her that being excluded from the event was hurtful (I'm guessing she must have read a post on Facebook made by a common acquaintance who had also been excluded, where I commented my understanding and support), but also because I really would have expected her to sympathize. I certainly did not expect her to attack me like that, and mock me, in front of the four other people that were there. None of them spoke out in support of me. Not even my boyfriend. And that's basically why I can't sleep now.
She and the other girl (the one who ghosted) have pretty much been my only friends during the last year, so the fact that I now feel like I've lost them both is giving my depression a giant boost. I doubt I'll ever have the same relationship again with any of them, even if they at some point decide to include me in their lives again. It's devastating. Given time, I might be able to forgive, but I'm incapable of forgetting, and I know that once someone's hurt me properly, I will always associate the hurt feeling with that person, and start withdrawing. And I know I will never feel safe enough around them to open up and be myself again. I'll always be wearing my "I don't care about anything, see how happy I am" mask. That is, if we'll ever hang out again outside of a gaming event. Which, at this point, I highly doubt.
My hurt is doubled. First from being excluded from yet another event, and then now from having my ex best friend scold me for feeling that way. I feel hurt, embarrassed, angry and sad. After the game was over, I tried to talk to my boyfriend about it, because I was still so upset (after pretending like everything was fine for a couple of hours), but he just went straight for his phone and seemed completely uninterested. Another stab in the gut. Another tiny drop telling me that I'm worthless.
Another person I thought was a friend is having a Halloween party tomorrow. Guess who's not invited (though I have been every year before, up until now).
Thank you for reading. I really needed to get this off my chest. Now maybe I can try again to get some sleep.