HangmanNoose
Active member
Tonight I went to the dam a few miles from my house. its actually a reservoir for a larger dam. anyway I layed in the bed of my truck and looked up at the stars, and listen to the rushing water flowing from the dam. So much lately has been getting to me, I feel more Alone now then I have in my entire life. My littel cousin is dating the boy down the road. and it making me feel alone, and even upset. My friend back home has been making it even more difficult in the fact she, started having an affair with her husbands bestfriend. oh but that's not all, my little cousin's older brother, sends me snapchats of Him and this girl he just met. and has to explain his sex life to me. plus, My ex after 6 years somehow still had my number. finds me on snapchat. and proceeds to talk to me, telling me how she is single and blah blah you know the rest. only to find out 2 days later she dating this dude for 2 weeks and of course Just makes me feel even more alone. oh but their is more. another Ex from about 4 years ago. who I told to delete my number decides to contact me telling me how she is in love with me and misses me and all, But She is married and She is an ex for a reason and she lives 4 hours from me.
I think the fact that my cousin dating that guy, why it bothers me so much is because I have to see them together, See how happy they are, the fun they have, and every other detail couples do, and it gets to me, I hate seeing happy couples and I hate feeling Alone. And a part of me wants to protect her, I don't know why I don't like the boy, but Something about him bothers me. but that puts me on big brother mode and On top of that I just feel like I don't exist.
But tonight, I tryed to talk myself into committing Suicide. I pictured my jumping off the dam, The after math of my body being found and the details of everyones reactions. but looking at the dam, I pictured jumping off. and either side would work, one side I be sucked under and spit out the other side. and the other I be pushed under water and probably snagged on a rock, or the fall could kill me if I did it right. I realized That my life doesn't really matter much, I mean after a year or so I be just a memory and after a few years I be just a person someone once knew. everyone's life would continue without me. I mean I don't have much worth in this world. My own family doesn't even acknowledge I even exist, my parents I think they just don't care anymore. they stopped really believing in me, and they certainly, are tired of me. My friends can't say I have any. The one person I talk to, Tonight she proved I don't really matter, I am just a sounding board to her. I try to tell her How I wanted to die. and she would only respond with details of her affair. Everyone else don't seem to care one way or the other.
But I know Why I stay alone. I don't trust people. Not family or friends. I also am so socially awkward i say and do things that Piss people off or they just don't know how to take me. Plus I am a real Downer, I try to make people laugh and I try to not be a downer. But Days like today, nights like tonight. I can't hide my misery. To much of it bleeds through me and Not to many people are willing to put up with that. And I can't say I blame them for that. I don't like it myself. So I stay miserable because I am alone, with out anyone to hang out with or anyone to love. and I stay alone because I am miserable. its a catch 22 no matter how you look at it.
And I hear the whole song and dance about how things get better, But my life history has proven that it doesn't get better. In fact for every good thing something Bad happens. After sitting down and writting out my life story. not enough good to out weigh the bad. The track recond isn't a good indication of future events. and I love hearing how you got to go out and make something happen to make it better. thats my favorite. When you are scared of people. and when you have anxieties that paralyze you from even doing simple things. going out and making things happen is like telling a 5 year old to go out and fly a plane with out any training or even any help. Trust me if I could just go out and make things happen I be doing it. I hate not working and I hate feeling worthless. and I hate not being able to do things. I hate when I try to do it, the overwhelming feeling and the exhaustion, The failure and the Pain and the numbness that all goes with it. and then the suicidal feelings that again crop up because you failed again and again and you realize that you just don't want to continue because what is the point. no one takes you serious because you don't work, you live with your parents, and you have no life. Yeah I hear that a lot. Mostly from me, but Others as well. But when you try and you try and your try. and all you have to show is the scars on your skin, and the tears in your eyes, and the deepest feeling of worthlessness you can imagine. it just becomes to much.
As much as I want to Die, and as much as I hate my life. I still can't bring myself to commit suicide. I am a coward of doing the act. Not scared to Die, But scared of the action it takes. I guess what keeps me alive isn't so much a reason anymore. but just the conscience of life itself. Anyway Not like anyone cares, But I just had to share. I guess; I guess I just needed to let it out. to vent.
I think the fact that my cousin dating that guy, why it bothers me so much is because I have to see them together, See how happy they are, the fun they have, and every other detail couples do, and it gets to me, I hate seeing happy couples and I hate feeling Alone. And a part of me wants to protect her, I don't know why I don't like the boy, but Something about him bothers me. but that puts me on big brother mode and On top of that I just feel like I don't exist.
But tonight, I tryed to talk myself into committing Suicide. I pictured my jumping off the dam, The after math of my body being found and the details of everyones reactions. but looking at the dam, I pictured jumping off. and either side would work, one side I be sucked under and spit out the other side. and the other I be pushed under water and probably snagged on a rock, or the fall could kill me if I did it right. I realized That my life doesn't really matter much, I mean after a year or so I be just a memory and after a few years I be just a person someone once knew. everyone's life would continue without me. I mean I don't have much worth in this world. My own family doesn't even acknowledge I even exist, my parents I think they just don't care anymore. they stopped really believing in me, and they certainly, are tired of me. My friends can't say I have any. The one person I talk to, Tonight she proved I don't really matter, I am just a sounding board to her. I try to tell her How I wanted to die. and she would only respond with details of her affair. Everyone else don't seem to care one way or the other.
But I know Why I stay alone. I don't trust people. Not family or friends. I also am so socially awkward i say and do things that Piss people off or they just don't know how to take me. Plus I am a real Downer, I try to make people laugh and I try to not be a downer. But Days like today, nights like tonight. I can't hide my misery. To much of it bleeds through me and Not to many people are willing to put up with that. And I can't say I blame them for that. I don't like it myself. So I stay miserable because I am alone, with out anyone to hang out with or anyone to love. and I stay alone because I am miserable. its a catch 22 no matter how you look at it.
And I hear the whole song and dance about how things get better, But my life history has proven that it doesn't get better. In fact for every good thing something Bad happens. After sitting down and writting out my life story. not enough good to out weigh the bad. The track recond isn't a good indication of future events. and I love hearing how you got to go out and make something happen to make it better. thats my favorite. When you are scared of people. and when you have anxieties that paralyze you from even doing simple things. going out and making things happen is like telling a 5 year old to go out and fly a plane with out any training or even any help. Trust me if I could just go out and make things happen I be doing it. I hate not working and I hate feeling worthless. and I hate not being able to do things. I hate when I try to do it, the overwhelming feeling and the exhaustion, The failure and the Pain and the numbness that all goes with it. and then the suicidal feelings that again crop up because you failed again and again and you realize that you just don't want to continue because what is the point. no one takes you serious because you don't work, you live with your parents, and you have no life. Yeah I hear that a lot. Mostly from me, but Others as well. But when you try and you try and your try. and all you have to show is the scars on your skin, and the tears in your eyes, and the deepest feeling of worthlessness you can imagine. it just becomes to much.
As much as I want to Die, and as much as I hate my life. I still can't bring myself to commit suicide. I am a coward of doing the act. Not scared to Die, But scared of the action it takes. I guess what keeps me alive isn't so much a reason anymore. but just the conscience of life itself. Anyway Not like anyone cares, But I just had to share. I guess; I guess I just needed to let it out. to vent.