whimsicalspirit
Well-known member
I keep my thoughts private all the time. But perhaps this time, I'm going to come out for a bit. I want to tell you what's been on my mind lately. Something's going to happen to me soon that'll get me in trouble. Still, before that happens, I'm going to try and at least reach out...if any of this sounds like it anyway.
If you took the time to read all of this, thank you. That means a lot to me, and I appreciate your comfort, your presence, and your consideration. Everything you're about to read comes from an online journal I never told anyone else about. I would trust that you keep that a secret, but there's no point in that if I'm going to be open and honest to you.
Thank you again.
And just like that, everything blew up in front of my face.
I had one chance. One chance to redeem myself for all the wrongs I've done trying to stay. But I think it's official. I let myself down. I was never meant to shoot any higher. Tomorrow is the day of reckoning for me. And I now how it's going to to turn out. I knew this was going to happen sooner or later. For the first time in my life in a few years, I've hated something. In fancy terms, it's an higher educational institution. But folks just call it college.
Yes, of all things, I failed college. And for real this time. And I'm not going to get anymore second chances. I tried my best, but it's clear to me that I wasn't meant for this. I wanted to do so many things, yet I felt like the experience let me down. I didn't feel involved. I couldn't forge the connections I needed to positively motivate myself to push further. And rather than doing my summary report and studying for my exam tomorrow, I'm typing this.
And yet, I don't feel like despairing. Perhaps I've already accepted defeat much sooner than I remember that I've gone past this stage. In any case, I should come out, and briefly explain why I hate college so much. I now know why I'm here, at least for the moment. I wasn't here to fulfill my dreams, or aspire for success. I'm nothing more than a tool to pay someone else's bills. I was insisted to stay in such a pitiful place, not knowing that it was a trap. And now, it has all fallen down on me. I was supposed to be the one everyone else needed, and in their eyes, I failed them. They're not wrong after all, perhaps I did. They're going to be extremely upset when they find out.
Everything has a cost. It's not just about failing college. Last quarter, I wanted to run away. Start my own journey, be the man I felt I was meant to be. Of course, I wouldn't do this alone, but these days, my generation doesn't have a "rite of passage" for all the men out there anymore. The only thing they have right now is tradition alone. And guess what? It wasn't enough. Now, we're lost. We're expected to know what to do because people put more faith in the educational system than anything else, and now there's over a billion dollars in student debt that's plaguing the entire country. "Land of Opportunity", they say? I doubt it.
Technology has shown me one thing, and it's the fact that the people of this world have become a joke. Instead of hearing about debates surrounding serious matters, all I watch and hear are the self indulgent, first world whims of the spoiled and entitled, rich or poor. I feel it so much; to say that it is strong would be an understatement. And yet these mindless zombies continue to attach themselves to old ideals and speak for parties that never asked for their voice, mine and many others possibly included.
I may sound like I'm going on a tangent here. Probably, But I want to say that I'm not. I'm not going to blame them for my problems, but I can't help but rant about them, because I continue to believe in them so much. This is a part of me that I will never allow to get the best of my outlook towards life. Even though I fail tomorrow, I'm not going to give up. I need to make it through this no matter what happens, but first, things need to change. We have to stop being so stubborn all the time. All I wanted was to believe and hope for a better tomorrow, but what point is there in doing so when I have to do that alone, all by myself? I've been doing that for a long time now. I know better than to be this reckless.
I remember back in the day when no one else was like that but me. This time, it's totally different. Now, I'm the one that's more outgoing, and yet I'm supposedly I'm still the "introvert". I learned to stand out from such a label later in life, and to an extent I had some freedom. I still have that freedom now and then, but the world's become a different place now. And because of all of it, I don't think I'll be able to shoot higher real soon. I just can't make it through college or anything else alone anymore. I need help, but I feel like I'm talking to a pitch-black abyss devoid of any life. There are so many things I could do this instant, but it will never shine any light in this situation, much like how it won't bring back the good times I've had before this all happened.
Can someone at least just whisper for once? Any voices out there would be nice. I'd ask you for help, but it's too late now. I guess I'm just going to talk for one last time before I get myself in a lot of trouble. Still, it's a good thing I've decided to make changes to my life before this happened. I'm spending a lot less time on technology of all kinds, I'm trying to be more polite in conversations, and I continue to cherish some of the things the physical world has brought to me. I know that I said that I hate college, but to be honest, I actually don't feel anything at all. I feel just fine, that's all. And there's nothing wrong with that right?
If you took the time to read all of this, thank you. That means a lot to me, and I appreciate your comfort, your presence, and your consideration. Everything you're about to read comes from an online journal I never told anyone else about. I would trust that you keep that a secret, but there's no point in that if I'm going to be open and honest to you.
Thank you again.
And just like that, everything blew up in front of my face.
I had one chance. One chance to redeem myself for all the wrongs I've done trying to stay. But I think it's official. I let myself down. I was never meant to shoot any higher. Tomorrow is the day of reckoning for me. And I now how it's going to to turn out. I knew this was going to happen sooner or later. For the first time in my life in a few years, I've hated something. In fancy terms, it's an higher educational institution. But folks just call it college.
Yes, of all things, I failed college. And for real this time. And I'm not going to get anymore second chances. I tried my best, but it's clear to me that I wasn't meant for this. I wanted to do so many things, yet I felt like the experience let me down. I didn't feel involved. I couldn't forge the connections I needed to positively motivate myself to push further. And rather than doing my summary report and studying for my exam tomorrow, I'm typing this.
And yet, I don't feel like despairing. Perhaps I've already accepted defeat much sooner than I remember that I've gone past this stage. In any case, I should come out, and briefly explain why I hate college so much. I now know why I'm here, at least for the moment. I wasn't here to fulfill my dreams, or aspire for success. I'm nothing more than a tool to pay someone else's bills. I was insisted to stay in such a pitiful place, not knowing that it was a trap. And now, it has all fallen down on me. I was supposed to be the one everyone else needed, and in their eyes, I failed them. They're not wrong after all, perhaps I did. They're going to be extremely upset when they find out.
Everything has a cost. It's not just about failing college. Last quarter, I wanted to run away. Start my own journey, be the man I felt I was meant to be. Of course, I wouldn't do this alone, but these days, my generation doesn't have a "rite of passage" for all the men out there anymore. The only thing they have right now is tradition alone. And guess what? It wasn't enough. Now, we're lost. We're expected to know what to do because people put more faith in the educational system than anything else, and now there's over a billion dollars in student debt that's plaguing the entire country. "Land of Opportunity", they say? I doubt it.
Technology has shown me one thing, and it's the fact that the people of this world have become a joke. Instead of hearing about debates surrounding serious matters, all I watch and hear are the self indulgent, first world whims of the spoiled and entitled, rich or poor. I feel it so much; to say that it is strong would be an understatement. And yet these mindless zombies continue to attach themselves to old ideals and speak for parties that never asked for their voice, mine and many others possibly included.
I may sound like I'm going on a tangent here. Probably, But I want to say that I'm not. I'm not going to blame them for my problems, but I can't help but rant about them, because I continue to believe in them so much. This is a part of me that I will never allow to get the best of my outlook towards life. Even though I fail tomorrow, I'm not going to give up. I need to make it through this no matter what happens, but first, things need to change. We have to stop being so stubborn all the time. All I wanted was to believe and hope for a better tomorrow, but what point is there in doing so when I have to do that alone, all by myself? I've been doing that for a long time now. I know better than to be this reckless.
I remember back in the day when no one else was like that but me. This time, it's totally different. Now, I'm the one that's more outgoing, and yet I'm supposedly I'm still the "introvert". I learned to stand out from such a label later in life, and to an extent I had some freedom. I still have that freedom now and then, but the world's become a different place now. And because of all of it, I don't think I'll be able to shoot higher real soon. I just can't make it through college or anything else alone anymore. I need help, but I feel like I'm talking to a pitch-black abyss devoid of any life. There are so many things I could do this instant, but it will never shine any light in this situation, much like how it won't bring back the good times I've had before this all happened.
Can someone at least just whisper for once? Any voices out there would be nice. I'd ask you for help, but it's too late now. I guess I'm just going to talk for one last time before I get myself in a lot of trouble. Still, it's a good thing I've decided to make changes to my life before this happened. I'm spending a lot less time on technology of all kinds, I'm trying to be more polite in conversations, and I continue to cherish some of the things the physical world has brought to me. I know that I said that I hate college, but to be honest, I actually don't feel anything at all. I feel just fine, that's all. And there's nothing wrong with that right?
