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EveWasFramed

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Just something else I read.
If you guys aren't too lazy to read the entire article, they may get a little something out of it. :p

Smart men, foolish relationship choices
By Kent Miller

Men — even very smart men — can find themselves in all sorts of pitfalls, pratfalls and bizarre situations on the journey to finding true romance. Do any of these distinctly XY uh-ohs ring true with you?

Choosing a mate for her looks
Sure, looks matter. But be careful what you wish for: “What I find is often true with a guy who is dating a beautiful woman is that he starts out by feeling great that he’s with this hot person,” says Ron May, a psychologist in private practice in Madison, WI, who is on the editorial board for The Psychology of Men and Masculinity. “But then, he starts to fear that other men might want her. He becomes jealous, and that can undermine the relationship.”

Assuming you’re always the “reasonable” one
Men often take undeserved pride in being more rational, but the reality is that “everyone has a reasonable side and a side that can get unreasonable at times,” says Daniel L. Buccino, a clinical social worker and assistant professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine in Baltimore, MD. “In the early stages of a relationship, when there are a lot of hormones and lust, people sometimes overlook the underlying issues. If a woman behaves poorly, her partner could try to convince himself that this is OK, that it will pass and that she’s acting this way because all women are more emotional than men. The reality could simply be that she’s not a good match for him.”
“I often see the scenario of the so-called ‘nice guy’ dealing with the so-called ‘mean’ girlfriend, when it turns out they’re both being difficult. Despite his mellow exterior, a man can be very controlling about many issues. He really needs to have things his way. He tries to do this in what seems to be a very nice and reasonable way, but when she gets emotional in response to his inflexibility, he can step back and say, ‘Of course I am the reasonable one.’ Then he feels more righteous.”

Trying to “fix” everything
When presented with a relationship challenge, men often revert to Mr. Fix-It mode. “It’s a product of growing up in a male culture that emphasizes being in control. A lot of our work is oriented toward figuring things out and rationalizing things,” May says. Such skills are less valuable when it comes to relationships, where facial expressions and unspoken messages are key to good communication. “A woman might say, ‘When you’re off traveling on a business trip, I begin to feel lonely and scared,’” May says. “The classic “overly rational” male response — ‘That doesn’t make sense, you are a successful woman with lots of friends’ — invalidates her true feeling, which is that she wants to feel close to and desired by her husband.”

Suppressing negative emotions
Surprisingly, many men find the quintessential male emotion as scary as a dark room is to a small child. “Men are often afraid that if they allow themselves to feel angry, they will be violent. As a therapist, I try to get them to talk about whether they have lost control of their anger. I ask, “Have you ever hit someone or destroyed property?” says Bob Maslow, a clinical psychologist in private practice in Charlottesville, VA, and the author of Men, Women and the Power of Empathy. “When they realize they haven’t, that gives them the support they need to trust that they will be able to express their anger in a nondestructive way.” Says Maslow: “If you always bury your anger, you become distant and withdrawn. To a mature woman, that’s more threatening than an expression of anger.” Gloria Tate, a Dallas-based family counselor, observes that a man who’s learned to conceal his anger can punish his partner in many ways: “The public thinks that only women withhold affection, but it’s a controlling behavior on the part of men, too. Some men do it for years. Men also cheat when they’re angry.”

Picking partners that need to be rescued
Both genders can suffer from “White Knight Syndrome” — the desire to rescue a romantic partner from his or her personal problems. But because a white-knight man is also fulfilling the traditional role of caring for a woman, he might end up hiding his true motives from both his partner and himself according to LeslieBeth Wish, a social worker in Sarasota, FL, who writes the “Relationship Realities” column at qualityhealth.com. “If you feel damaged or empty psychologically; if you were the black sheep of your family, for example, you might choose someone who is more needy and therefore more vulnerable than you are,” Wish says, adding: “A man should ask himself, ‘Do I tend to be in cyclical patterns with women who look up to me? Would I be comfortable with a woman who makes as much as or more money than me, has lots of interests and capabilities, and doesn’t have any serious limitations?’”

Cheating
Despite the swaggering image, the “player” or “lady killer” (to use that quaint term from our grandparents’ time) may not be as self-confident as he appears. “Cheating is a way of putting up a shield against intimacy and protecting yourself so you don’t get hurt,” says Karen Shanor, a clinical psychologist and neuropsychologist in private practice in Washington, D.C., and author of seven books on relationships. “A lot of times, very early on in a relationship we will get a lot of signals that a person is not trustworthy,” Shanor says. Emotionally aware people respond to these warning signals by getting out as fast as they can. But some men engage in what Shanor calls “defensive cheating,” thinking: “I better cheat on her first so she doesn’t hurt me.”

If any of the above behaviors sound a little too familiar, what can you do?

Self-awareness is critical to relationship success
Maslow says: “Typically, men won’t share vulnerable feelings with other men. But a man can get a lot of terrific support from a close female friend or possibly a sister.” Wish advises: “Get outside your comfort zone and date different kinds of women.” Buccino tries to get his patients — both male and female — to seek a partner who provides what he calls the “Confucian virtues” of being “responsible, reliable and trustworthy.” After all, explains Buccino, “The best way to elicit good behavior from others is to behave that way ourselves.”

 
Dammit, I'm total honeysuckle at being self aware. Is there a better way?
 
I don't participate in "dating" frequently and I think I know why. I don't play games with people, and dating seems to be all about this very thing. Too many rules. Too many games. Not enough realness. I was born into the wrong universe.
 
I completely agree.

A matured, stable sense of self-awareness is key in becoming a better person; and not just in a relationship-situation.
 
fresia you and your self awareness, I will remain blissfully ignorant on all matters of the self. One day I will wake up and go "limlim? who is that?" and that is the day I will be senile and finally able to live my existence without pants!
 
ah christ, another paradoxical list.

that list wants me to indulge my anger...

i like the part where it says "have you ever hit someone or destroyed property?"

to which the answer is: YES and YES

i have also done both simultaneously...

occasionally with no memory of it.

(they always had it coming)
 
I think the idea of indulging your anger is more for the people who DO NOT hit people or destroy property.
 
K....rings freaking true...

Sherry was a beautiful Blonde with
perfect titays that had guy hitting
on her all the time.She was also
a fucken social service worker that
was will educated in human behaviors.
Told me I had anger issue cause for
some stupid ass reason I didnt like
the idea of her gambling our lives
away...Never the less I loved her very
much. She also suffers from alcoholism.
Time and time I tried to save her ass

I aslo suffer from " I ll SHOW U *****"
syndrom....Becareful what u tell me.
she said " go out and find a younger beautiful women that will love you
like you need to love"..So I did.
Jenni was a very young beautiful woman. She lights up the room when
she walks in. She lite up my life.
In Sherrys eyes I cheated on her.
Too bad Jenni died..Jenni was trying
to save me.

Im fully awear of this...

Renae is the love of my life.
Shes is a total knock ou with really big ass titays.. Plenty of dudes wants her.
Time and Time Ive put my life on the
time to save her life and or love




Of course if Reenae fines out Im living wiht Jenn. She too is very pretty with
big boobies... Renae would say I never loved her or cared for her. Somehow the I violated our love and trust..

Whatever the hell syndrom I have...
Pray to the almighty pussy
But Helm to the mighty sword :p.


Destroying property.???

Errrr....Exwf told me she was to diorce me..take half of my money and belongings....I didnt like the idae
of her wearing her pink mini skirt
outfit. She too was drop dead gorgeous....
Errr....Im her badass crazy axe man.
whatever the fresia u do...dont touch
my guitar...So we just into a major
argument...broke everything in the
house. U can have all my honeysuckle..just
dont break my heart. After all our
love is more important than money
or material belongings???
I really wanted to believe her.

As for the cheating honeysuckle...
******** can drive my women...
Just dont drive my moher fucken car :

Dont touch my guitars N cars!!!. :p

So..If I stay single and date lots
of young beautiful. Wild sex
anyway I like it...
I shower these beautul with money and gifts. Just lots and lots of good time.
No commitment...but an agreement.
No strings. No issues. No problems

Someone ...somewhere is not going
to like it. Write artcle about me being
a womanier...

The perfect man should love and fall
in love with some woman hes not attracted to and kiss her ass.
Woooohoooo...dose this get me
into heaven?

Is Jenni waiting for me in Heaven?
I miss her beautiful face and smile sometimes....
 
Ive also been in a relationship
wihen Im not in love
with the woman.. This too
wiont ultimately work.
While the relationship was calm
without dramma. Learning to love
her wsnt natural....
It had the reverse effect on the woman....she starts having jealousy
issues. Becuase of lack of firey passion or romance A woman will notice this over time Even if I bring home flowers every so often...it had a
feeling of going through the motions
just for the sake of whatever a calm
ideal relationship should be..
Ultimalety she left me becuase she
felt bad about herself. Felt bad
about her womanhood.. She didnt
feel sexy.
And she always felt I was in love
with another woman. Even if
infidelty didnt happened...
That deep emotional bonding wasnt there. .
 
I dunno I don't even read his posts anymore, I never understand what he's saying.
 
I ment all helm to the might Sword....

I more than oneway to get a woman
to STFU :p
 
Lonesome Crow said:
I more than oneway to get a woman
to STFU :p

Gee, how sweet.

Perpetuating the stereotype that all women do is talk-talk-talk or nag-nag-nag?

You're a charmer.

 
I might have women problems
but it wasnt for the Lack of trying
and I wasnt living from Lack of love Lack of sec lack of fun.


Yes I get tired of starting over and over again. And it hasnt been Ideal lately
Yes theres consequence for the chioces
Ive made...but Im always going to Chioce Renae becuase of all those things on that liist...but thats list partial .


I dont blame anyone and Im not going blame myself.


Renae also told me Im the way I am becuase of her...She too had effected me...She bascailly talkig about whats on that list and more. .


The thing of it is. everthing on that list is something I already know what not to do . Maybe a normal person will
aby by or follow whats on that list

I dont believe people on this forum
are all in ther right frame of mind either :p

SICK..

Im so sick of me being sick of U...
In the way u LOOK n all the things U DO

U drive me crazy..U drive me crazy


Sick of being broke..cant pay for honeysuckle.
Im about to snap. I cant handle this.
Im going crzy...Im going crazy.

If ur SICK like me theres no stoping now...try break it up and just let it out

If I was sick like U ..I would fix a fire.
I would lite it up and watch it all burn down....
 
:club: This thread was supposed to (hopefully) provide a little informative info, not be a battleground.
 
Yes...
Ive falling in love with a slut.
She can use her good looks to
get what she wants out of men.
The cheating the fucken lying
The manipulations . The abuse
cuase of drugs abuse. All the fucken
arguments throwing honeysuckle. Breakiing
honeysuckle or even getting physical
when she messed up out of her god **** mind
Yes Im fucken co dependent
I wanna save her ass inspite of
everything...no matter what alanon
or any 12 step program tells
me what to do or should do...

Im a sick son of a *****...
Our daughter is a porn star.
Shes just like her mom..her good looks and everyting else.
My family is totally fucken sick...

There I said it....

Im thinking about converting to muslim...
There will be 70 fucken virgins waiting in the after life..
fresia Jesus...
Hell yes to fucken allah

:p

If god is a HE....GOD would have a mighty big dick.hahahhaaaa
 
I don't agree that a lot of the assertion of the article are always true and some of it seems not completely accurate - picking a woman for her looks to some extent is what most men to, and does a mild level of jealousy always undermine a relationship? On the other hand, a lot of it does make sense and it never tries to claim that its thoughts apply to /all/ relationships, so that gives it an essential validity and a lot of its points certainly have some resonance.

I'll suffice to agree entirely and completely that self-awareness is of essential importance. And being reliable, responsible and trustworthy are extremely vital.
 
jjam said:
I don't participate in "dating" frequently and I think I know why. I don't play games with people, and dating seems to be all about this very thing. Too many rules. Too many games. Not enough realness. I was born into the wrong universe.

Aint that the truth!
 
EveWasFramed said:
:club: This thread was supposed to (hopefully) provide a little informative info, not be a battleground.

er... is it a battleground? I don't *think* anyone is arguing. But I'm not sure...
 
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