Strange Conversation in a Dating Site

[okidoke]

If by "young girls" you mean a woman well into her twenties....if it were a choice between that and dying a virgin, I'd take that, but I prefer a relationship to something empty.

Of course I meant of legal age and I thought you might. Also, a casual arrangement doesn't mean it has to be "empty". As for dying a virgin, well, even the right escort can be a meaningful experience.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I don't think that's the optimal familial setup for raising kids. Other than that, nothing. The fact that in this scenario the whole of the male gender would be constituted of Elon Musks poses a far greater problem.

Kids should have a father, you're right about that. But all fathers aren't created equal.

Take my boys for example...Well, just my younger one, actually...he was responsible, polite, well adjusted. I had him in a big brother type program and other things so he had those male role models. Then all of a sudden, daddy dearest realizes that this kid is into guns, knives and hunting, just like him, so daddy starts coming around more, taking an interest, being a father. (only to the younger one, mind you). My kid starts getting less responsible, less polite, less well adjusted because Daddy is so cool that he wants to be just like him, which is NOT a good thing, btw.

Single mothers are sometimes the better option.

I just used Elon as an example, I had to look up that particular information yesterday, so it was right there in the front of my brain. Lol

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Kids should have a father, you're right about that. But all fathers aren't created equal.

Take my boys for example...Well, just my younger one, actually...he was responsible, polite, well adjusted. I had him in a big brother type program and other things so he had those male role models. Then all of a sudden, daddy dearest realizes that this kid is into guns, knives and hunting, just like him, so daddy starts coming around more, taking an interest, being a father. (only to the younger one, mind you). My kid starts getting less responsible, less polite, less well adjusted because Daddy is so cool that he wants to be just like him, which is NOT a good thing, btw.

Single mothers are sometimes the better option.

I just used Elon as an example, I had to look up that particular information yesterday, so it was right there in the front of my brain. Lol

Not trying to make light of your situation, but I swear most men want children and not babies... it's weird that when the highly dependent stage is over is when most of them want to know. Anddd we are supposed to let them disrupt their whole life now they are ready to pretend to be a responsible parent (end rant)..... Sorry that just sounded too familiar...

My bad not trying to derail... my question for OP is..

Did you learn anything from this interaction? @Mr Preuss

 

[TheRealCallie]

Not trying to make light of your situation, but I swear most men want children and not babies... it's weird that when the highly dependent stage is over is when most of them want to know. Anddd we are supposed to let them disrupt their whole life now they are ready to pretend to be a responsible parent (end rant)..... Sorry that just sounded too familiar...

In my case, it wasn't until my kid was 13 that daddy starting taking an interest, so it wasn't so much a dependent thing for this particular guy.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

In my case, it wasn't until my kid was 13 that daddy starting taking an interest, so it wasn't so much a dependent thing for this particular guy.

No thats what I mean, now he's 13... no nappies, no late night feeds, there they are.. every time!!! They are so annoying lol Calllie stop bringing juicy stories I cant help but to rant. Mr P needs to know if he's weird...


Also Mr P... I was thinking, because she didn't unmatch you maybe it was one of the common tests, the falling on your sword test, many men fail this test sadly as men are often prideful and rational.

 

[randomguy]

I’ll let you in on a secret that’s not being talked about too frequently. Women are getting fed up with men, often to the point that they wash their hands of even trying to get a relationship.

It’s not just my observation either. In the United Kingdom women are increasingly choosing to stay single rather than date or marry a man. This is particularly true for women over 30. The Office for National Statistics shows that women not living in a couple, who have never married, is rising in every age range under 70. In the sixteen years between 2002 and 2018, the figure for those aged 40 to 70 rose by half a million. The percentage of never married singletons in their 40s doubled.

Singleness is no longer to be sneered at. Never marrying or taking a long term partner is a valid choice despite the social anxiety caused as traditional marriage models are upended.

 

[Bev Thornton]

An algorithm was involved in that "match", a mindless machination that was developed in the interests of monetary profit by the dating site owners. That's a kind of scam. They don't want you to ever stop using the site, they want you screen-addicted - that is what all of those websites are designed for regardless of what their promotional material may tell you. They are in it for money and nothing more and that money comes from the continuing engagement of the users one way or another (either direct fees or advertising and datamining revenues or all three). It's a scam, man.

These dating site profiles are generally a pack of outright lies, half-truths, and personal self-delusions. And that is what the website program runs on. Everyone makes mistakes, but if you want to make really big ones - involve a computer.

Online conservation is basically note passing, absolutely juvenile. Exchanging notes is just one step up from whistles and smoke signals and one step down from communication forms like ham radio. It's a great way to be misunderstood and to misunderstand.

You wrote, "I don't think she understood..." and that is second guessing which is not a good thing in any kind of communication attempt.

There is a real world out there. That real world has real matches that are based on real behaviours rather than only online posturing and some mindless algorithms. If you want a real relationship then you are looking in the wrong place anywhere online. Move on, get out, and get some in the 3-D world.

 

[user 190541]

Did you learn anything from this interaction? @Mr Preuss

I'm always learning. "To live is to learn", they say, though I'm not quite sure what did I just learn. I'm still trying to figure that out.

There is a real world out there. That real world has real matches that are based on real behaviours rather than only online posturing and some mindless algorithms. If you want a real relationship then you are looking in the wrong place anywhere online. Move on, get out, and get some in the 3-D world.

You're right. I have plans for that, but they'll only come into action next year. I'm joining a uni course which I have an academic interest in, but that's also made up of mostly women. Two birds with one stone.

 

[TheRealCallie]

There is a real world out there. That real world has real matches that are based on real behaviours rather than only online posturing and some mindless algorithms. If you want a real relationship then you are looking in the wrong place anywhere online. Move on, get out, and get some in the 3-D world.

There are a lot of people who meet online and spend wonderful lives together. Online dating allows you to meet people you might not have otherwise met. It's a tool, just like anything else. And honestly, it's not much different IRL. You still have the outright lies, half-truths, and personal self-delusions in person.

 

[homelessincheshire]

So I matched with this girl. She was nerdy and seemed to be quite fun. Not very attractive, tho, but it's not that important because at first it's just conversation, and conversation is fun and naturally you'd like to talk with people who have the same interests and hobbies that you do. All was fine until she asked me what I was looking for in that place, in particular (totally not the most cliché question ever to ask in dating sites), then I answered that, ideally, I would like to meet a very nice girl that views the world the same way as I do, and that, God willing (yes, for an agnostic person I mention God quite a lot), I would like to eventually have a relationship with such a girl, but since this seemed to be asking for too much (for dating site standards), I was content with just talking to people and didn't give the issue much thought. She then almost immediately replied that my answer was "weird". I asked why. She said that no one ever approaches anyone with the intent of having a relationship, and that the interest, at first, is always "casual". "How am I supposed to want to have a relationship with someone I don't even know?", she asked.

I don't think she understood that I meant to say that, so to speak, I'd be evaluating the women I match with in order to assess the feasibility (or lack thereof) of a relationship, but that's beside the point. I then made a couple of rhetorical questions with the intent of showing just how absurd her thinking seemed to me. First I asked, "so every man who approaches you has casual intentions?". She said "yes". Then I asked "have any of such casual encounters ever developed into an actual relationship?". She said that one of them did, and that that's how she got her ex-girlfriend. I answered that that doesn't count, that I was talking specifically about men. The lack of an answer to that seemed to imply that such a thing never happened, as far as men are concerned. You could tell she was getting slightly annoyed. She asked "and why do women not count, exactly?". I answered that I was trying to make a point about male psychology. She said "then do it". Then I told her one of men's (not so secretive) secrets: that men oftentimes view certain women as worthy of no more than sex, and other women as worthy of more than just sex. Predictably, that killed the conversation.

She didn't unmatch, though. Given her silence, I then proceeded to wish her luck in fiding what she was looking for, and I stated that I had no interest in partaking in anything "casual", be with her or any with other girl from that environment. Then I unmatched.

I find things like these absolutely fascinating. I'm only 27 years old, yet sometimes it seems like I have no choice but to be reminded of how certain social customs have changed in just 20 years or so. When I was a teenager, I heard my colleagues (from both sexes) saying "****, I wish I had a girlfriend/boyfriend" all the time. Actually, I was the one, maybe the only one then in the whole class who didn't think much of dating and relationships. I had other, more pressing concerns at the time, even going so far as to reject several advances by my female colleagues. Nowadays, it seems the situation is reversed. I feel as if I'm the only person who wants a relationship.

That's not to say, of course, that I haven't met any women that actually wanted a relationship. I have, but it never got to that point for other reasons, even if we both had that in mind. Still, it seems their numbers decrease by the day.

Any thoughts are appreciated, even if you want to agree with this girl and say I'm weird. I don't think I am, but don't they say that madmen have no idea of their own madness? That's what Brás Cubas tells the reader in his "Memórias Póstumas de Brás Cubas" when confronted with the possibility that he may be mad. He believes that he is not, but who knows, really?

Just be aware alot (the vast majority) of online dating apps and websites omit the fact that the ai was first being used on these sites, the technology eables companies to get literally thousands of peoples census info and much more, much like facebook was invented by the CIA to offer people an opportunity to blab about everything that if they were asked for on say a census form they would likely refuse to state.

Penpal sites and dating sites all boast auto generated thumbnails that to me anyway look to good to be true, I tried apps, penpal sites and dating sites and for the purpose of me not being under any illusions on forum moderation etc I wont say what I experienced in detail but some clever programmers were boasting using predominantly ai to fool millions of people under the simple fact you CANNOT SEE who your talking too.


Online dating apps and penpal sites and forums do offer many exceptions to this rule though and always used to invalidate the doubters claims that millions of online people simply do not exist beyond a auto generated thumbnail, small bio, a few "details" outnumbering real people possibly 100:1 (nobody can ever be sure who is really who online because online discourse cannot be verified).
With real-time body language, eye to eye or any of the thousands of small communicated nuances provided to the human brain from man to woman during a real life physical communication....they simply use your trust against you, a very simple method of interaction between you and something you have given your own verification towards being genuine.
The idea is during the first few exchanges your under a false sense of security, guard down and answering questions about your family, life, career, everything in the name of getting to know this online entity you have convinced yourself is genuine. With quantum computing strength, information mapping your style of linguistic prowess and acumen and IP address collection (even able to thwart vpn and annonymity over time!!) your shadow facebook account is simply another piece in this giant information excercise governments are desperate to create and update/maintain without peoples knowledge.

Don't take my word for it, you won't find this claim Anywhere online because it is something only a few individuals (with great observance and openmind) will indeed work out eventually for themselves (Im confident that will happen for some people who find online dating and apps etc a naturally alien or strange experience, normally people who who have experienced some adulthood before the internet became as big as it has, not to sound ageist against younger people, just a comparison younger people cannot make purely from a lack of knowledge of experience). You have more chance of making a lasting connection in REAL TIME REAL LIFE, ie walking your dog, in a library, or supermarket or somewhere else where the BODY LANGUAGE speaks for ITSELF.

 

[homelessincheshire]

OP, I definitely feel your frustration, but I just wanted to say this in general:

I think before we get all worked up about this one person who wanted something casual, it would be a good idea to stop and look around. I feel like sure, it's become more acceptable for people to want casual sex - specifically for women to want casual sex - but I still think the majority of men or women, still want a relationship.

As someone who messed up my life from catastrophizing, I think it's a good idea to not let ourselves freak out over the opinions of a still small segment of the population.

Spoken like a true Jedi


People I know locally who inquired about my relationships got the frankness of simple truth, having to remind them that I neither boast, glorify or condone my actions, simply more wise and aware of the danger I put myself in and now seek to avoid it happening again.

The self control level needed as a single person is always best helped by having a greater spiritual or moral goal in the absense of the more dangerous option of giving in purely to physical means, neglecting the spirit is the consequence and why often we feel either unhappy or regretful, unity between couples is not simply carnal it is spiritual, the bond between them is the key element preventing risks where both have become satisfied finding their missing half, to make themselves mutually whole.

 

[Bev Thornton]

There are a lot of people who meet online and spend wonderful lives together. Online dating allows you to meet people you might not have otherwise met. It's a tool, just like anything else. And honestly, it's not much different IRL. You still have the outright lies, half-truths, and personal self-delusions in person.

Outright lies, half-truths, and delusions are much easier to detect and interpret in face-to-face contact.

Dating apps present a profile, and there is one idea of a person. Then, you contact the operator of that account and in chat or on phone then there is a different mental image of that person. After that, maybe you finally meet them face-to-face and then there is another version. Three versions of the same person.

Then there is the whole "match" thing which is just a machine following rules that some desk jockeys wrote. Humans just don't work that way, they don't correspond to the limited descriptions that machine algorithms use, which really only correspond to popular, common stereotypes rather than full, living beings.

Anywhere you ever go you can meet people who you might have otherwise never met. Online "social media" isn't really social at all, it's just a screen simulation with less actual contact than a CB radio or telephone call gives. That's not much.

 

[michael2]

So I matched with this girl. She was nerdy and seemed to be quite fun. Not very attractive, tho, but it's not that important because at first it's just conversation, and conversation is fun and naturally you'd like to talk with people who have the same interests and hobbies that you do. All was fine until she asked me what I was looking for in that place, in particular (totally not the most cliché question ever to ask in dating sites), then I answered that, ideally, I would like to meet a very nice girl that views the world the same way as I do, and that, God willing (yes, for an agnostic person I mention God quite a lot), I would like to eventually have a relationship with such a girl, but since this seemed to be asking for too much (for dating site standards), I was content with just talking to people and didn't give the issue much thought. She then almost immediately replied that my answer was "weird". I asked why. She said that no one ever approaches anyone with the intent of having a relationship, and that the interest, at first, is always "casual". "How am I supposed to want to have a relationship with someone I don't even know?", she asked.

I don't think she understood that I meant to say that, so to speak, I'd be evaluating the women I match with in order to assess the feasibility (or lack thereof) of a relationship, but that's beside the point. I then made a couple of rhetorical questions with the intent of showing just how absurd her thinking seemed to me. First I asked, "so every man who approaches you has casual intentions?". She said "yes". Then I asked "have any of such casual encounters ever developed into an actual relationship?". She said that one of them did, and that that's how she got her ex-girlfriend. I answered that that doesn't count, that I was talking specifically about men. The lack of an answer to that seemed to imply that such a thing never happened, as far as men are concerned. You could tell she was getting slightly annoyed. She asked "and why do women not count, exactly?". I answered that I was trying to make a point about male psychology. She said "then do it". Then I told her one of men's (not so secretive) secrets: that men oftentimes view certain women as worthy of no more than sex, and other women as worthy of more than just sex. Predictably, that killed the conversation.

She didn't unmatch, though. Given her silence, I then proceeded to wish her luck in fiding what she was looking for, and I stated that I had no interest in partaking in anything "casual", be with her or any with other girl from that environment. Then I unmatched.

I find things like these absolutely fascinating. I'm only 27 years old, yet sometimes it seems like I have no choice but to be reminded of how certain social customs have changed in just 20 years or so. When I was a teenager, I heard my colleagues (from both sexes) saying "****, I wish I had a girlfriend/boyfriend" all the time. Actually, I was the one, maybe the only one then in the whole class who didn't think much of dating and relationships. I had other, more pressing concerns at the time, even going so far as to reject several advances by my female colleagues. Nowadays, it seems the situation is reversed. I feel as if I'm the only person who wants a relationship.

That's not to say, of course, that I haven't met any women that actually wanted a relationship. I have, but it never got to that point for other reasons, even if we both had that in mind. Still, it seems their numbers decrease by the day.

Any thoughts are appreciated, even if you want to agree with this girl and say I'm weird. I don't think I am, but don't they say that madmen have no idea of their own madness? That's what Brás Cubas tells the reader in his "Memórias Póstumas de Brás Cubas" when confronted with the possibility that he may be mad. He believes that he is not, but who knows, really?

The majority makes the rules. Today most people are only interested in casual hookups. I feel like this is thanks to dating apps, which has made meeting new people way too easy. And when something is too easy, it loses it's value. People no longer value relationships with the opposite sex as much as they use to. So most people expect everything to be casual, because hey, for most women their options are endless on dating apps. If you show up as someone looking for a wife (eww!) or even a long term relationship your going to come off as a weirdo to most women under 30.

Obviously this isn't how things were meant to be. How do I know that? Look at birthrates. In many countries the population will start to decrease in the coming decades at the current rate. This super-lax attitude toward commitment and real relationships has led to this.

Also my question to women like this is: "if I looked like Nick Jonas would I have to work my way out of the friend-zone first?"

What happened to the old way of doing things. Where you meet a girl, get her number, within a week go out on a "date" with her to see if there is any chemistry, and either or stop seeing eachother or continue seeing eachother.

Now its like they want you to hang out in their friend-zone until they start to have feelings for you. Trying to get them to go out on a 'date' makes them feel like they have to make a choice or a commitment which they are afraid to do. And if they never get feelings for you, then you just stay stuck in the friend-zone forever. Its how they want things done because it only benefits them, not you the man. This is why I suggest men never be friends with women. It's not worth it. If she tries to put you in the friend zone just leave her alone. She's not sure about you enough to even consider you as a potential partner. That should scream run.

 

[user 190541]

The majority makes the rules. Today most people are only interested in casual hookups. I feel like this is thanks to dating apps, which has made meeting new people way too easy. And when something is too easy, it loses it's value. People no longer value relationships with the opposite sex as much as they use to. So most people expect everything to be casual, because hey, for most women their options are endless on dating apps. If you show up as someone looking for a wife (eww!) or even a long term relationship your going to come off as a weirdo to most women under 30.

Funny that you mentioned looking for a wife on dating sites, because once I met a girl who was there to look specifically for a husband. In her words, "someone to marry at most in a year". People just have different notions regarding relationships and different desires that are closely linked to the particular moment that they're living in their lives. If you're a dude and looking for a relationship, the cynical take is to say that you have no options, or that you do that because of your (supposed) lack of options, but if you're a woman, then the equally insensible idea is that you're just looking for a man to finance you. The truth is that reality is a lot more complicated than that. I'm not looking for marriage, though it's not something entirely outside the realm of possibility either, but she wasn't willing to settle for anything less. She wanted marriage, and marriage with someone she loved. We liked each other very much, never before I felt I understood a woman as much as I felt I understood her. I don't even understand my own mother that much, and she understood me very well as well. Eventually, as we weren't willing to compromise, we parted ways, but I understood her situation, and she understood mine.

After it was over with her, I made the mistake of telling about her to another girl I was then seeing. In a way it was a good thing because it exposed the faults of her character (the girl I was now seeing), but I didn't want to subject the previous girl to the preconceived notions and judgments of this girl I had more recently met. My ultimate mistake was not getting rid of her sooner. Sometimes people look for the same things, yet beyond the immediate physical aspect of things, they are utterly incompatible. Others they look for different things, yet are perfectly compatible.

Now its like they want you to hang out in their friend-zone until they start to have feelings for you. Trying to get them to go out on a 'date' makes them feel like they have to make a choice or a commitment which they are afraid to do. And if they never get feelings for you, then you just stay stuck in the friend-zone forever. Its how they want things done because it only benefits them, not you the man. This is why I suggest men never be friends with women. It's not worth it. If she tries to put you in the friend zone just leave her alone. She's not sure about you enough to even consider you as a potential partner. That should scream run.

My personal take is that I'll be friends with her if I really come to like her as a person and can effectively maintain a relationship with her that is completely non-romantic. This is admittedly difficult. Otherwise, if she's not interested, I'd just be done with it.

 

[smarty24]

You made your intentions clear which i thought was honest and respectable. Hope you have better luck in the future.

Exactly.

 

[ardour]

Outright lies, half-truths, and delusions are much easier to detect and interpret in face-to-face contact.

Dating apps present a profile, and there is one idea of a person. Then, you contact the operator of that account and in chat or on phone then there is a different mental image of that person. After that, maybe you finally meet them face-to-face and then there is another version. Three versions of the same person.

Then there is the whole "match" thing which is just a machine following rules that some desk jockeys wrote. Humans just don't work that way, they don't correspond to the limited descriptions that machine algorithms use, which really only correspond to popular, common stereotypes rather than full, living beings.

Anywhere you ever go you can meet people who you might have otherwise never met. Online "social media" isn't really social at all, it's just a screen simulation with less actual contact than a CB radio or telephone call gives. That's not much.

No offence. You're an older generation. It's become less socially acceptable in real life Online dating 'is it' as far as a safe environment to show interest without risking being creep shamed.