I am ashamed of myself and what I've become. I no longer enjoy anything, going anywhere or meeting new people. I am in my mid 30's and have no friends. Each day, I find a new gray hair and I'm reminded how old I'm getting. I lost a good woman because of my insecure ways and there's NO getting her back. I've been depressed for well over a year and I can only blame myself. I hate being so f@cking shy and insecure all the **** time that I just don't know what to do. I hate life and that’s me trying to sugar coat it. I started seeking professional help because I just can’t take it anymore but due to the costs I will be limited in sessions. I’m literally typing these words with tears in my eyes. I’ve made so many mistakes in life, missed so many opportunities and lost so many good people. When someone special comes into my life, I’m so bitter I chase them away. I’m tall, skinny and ugly. I have no kids and have never married. My ex was pregnant with my child and I pushed for an abortion. I live in a world of silence and feel like it’s my punishment. It takes a lot of work just for me to get up out of bed and go to work. I blame no one but myself for my poor decisions. My ex now has a bf and seems happier than ever in pics I’ve seen online. I seen them in pics doing the things that I was too afraid to do. Meanwhile, I sit here, mope and rehash all the dumb insecurities I displayed in our relationship. I’ve been like this for three months now since my ex and I broke up. To make matters worse, every time I see new/old pic of my ex with her bf online it makes me slide deeper into a depression. I’m just now discovering the extent of my ex’s relationship with her bf and realizing that it has existed for a lot longer than I originally thought. SO basically, I’ve been madly in love with someone else’s gf and didn’t even know it. It explains why she would come back two to three weeks at a time, until we argued and then she would disappear for another month or so. She only came back to me because I had become her safety net. Then once her and this guy patched things up, she bounced me like a bad check. I really feel like blowing my brains out.