Forties and Forgotten thread..

[LadyDaria]

I hope no one minds me breaking this down by age but I thought there are sometimes specific issues related to certain age.

I am 43 and it is getting very tough. First... EVERYONE at work is married or has kids. So I have lots of friends but on the weekend... they have stuff to do. Second, if they don't have kids or husband responsibilities they have sick / elderly parent things to do.

My parents have passed and I have a brother but he is pretty much the same. He has a kid and can hardly keep up with all his responsibilities.

It seems impossible to make friends with anyone or, find anyone like me.

Anyone in their 40s feel the same?

 

[Lost Drifter]

Can mid-thirties count please? Very much the same boat for me and I find the social stigma of not being like all the others (as you described) to be an increasing trend. Like you, all the people I work with are married with kids or taking responsibility of their parents. Every so often I get comments about not being able to understand because I have no responsibilities (hey I have a mortgage if that counts) or am wasting time by not having kids. I'm counting the days until I officially enter the creepy bachelor phase!

It seems that people don't bother making friends after their school years, once you hit your adult life that's it, no more messing around, kids, family, house, bills or you fail.

 

[LadyDaria]

Can mid-thirties count please?

Ok,, I guess...

Yes I feel like there is very much a "get married or else" vibe. First, I find that amazingly offensive because in my 30s I was taking care of my elderly parents and so I couldn't really date... of course, that is all forgotten now... even by my brother who, lets be real, wouldn't have had time to find his wife and get married if I hadn't been on deck for the parents....

But anyway...

But it is just that it is very hard to find anyone who isn't married in my life at the moment... it seems to be this middle age sandwich thing where everyone has some major life thing to deal with -- but I don't. I just was kind of out of sync with the timing of things... and now that makes it pretty impossible to get back in sync.

 

[Lost Drifter]

Being out of sync is a good way of describing it. Like somehow, you are not where your peers and society expects you to be, therefore you are judged in a negative light. I mean, there is obviously something wrong with you right? And with that pathetic mindset people will avoid you like the plague.

 

[LadyDaria]

Being out of sync is a good way of describing it. Like somehow, you are not where your peers and society expects you to be, therefore you are judged in a negative light. I mean, there is obviously something wrong with you right? And with that pathetic mindset people will avoid you like the plague.

I have found that it probably has hurt my career and even chances of meeting someone as now they all think there is something wrong with me. Sometimes they will suggest I date a person who is horrible, I swear, just to they can feel ease that I am dating someone. I swear my brother thinks I am like some secret Lesbian. But at 43 -- I think I am starting to get over it. i just don't care anymore what they think... the damage is done.

But, still kind of want to meet some good folks.

 

[Lost Drifter]

True that. I was once passed over for promotion and the reason given was that "as you don't have a family you're unpredictable". The sad logic being that the man with a wife and kids support will work hard at his job while someone like me...well...I may just walk in naked and start making monkey sounds at random office workers.

 

[Triple Bogey]

Being out of sync is a good way of describing it. Like somehow, you are not where your peers and society expects you to be, therefore you are judged in a negative light. I mean, there is obviously something wrong with you right? And with that pathetic mindset people will avoid you like the plague.

I have found that it probably has hurt my career and even chances of meeting someone as now they all think there is something wrong with me. Sometimes they will suggest I date a person who is horrible, I swear, just to they can feel ease that I am dating someone. I swear my brother thinks I am like some secret Lesbian. But at 43 -- I think I am starting to get over it. i just don't care anymore what they think... the damage is done.

But, still kind of want to meet some good folks.

I am 45 and roughly the same age of most of my work colleagues. Most of them are grand parents now, or there have teenage kids who have boyfriends or girlfriends. It seems so easy for everybody else. My last boss was married yet he had affairs. The area manager the same. Even the last few single people seem to be meeting people or getting set up by whoever. I do feel the bottom of the pile, the shite that somebody has stepped in. Single women sometimes complain about 'there are no nice men about' and other colleagues say what about 'triple bogey' ? as a joke and the girl pulls a face and says 'I am not THAT desperate !'

It's all fun and games. It's why I try to keep myself to myself.

 

[beautiful loser]

"I swear my brother thinks I am like some secret Lesbian. But at 43 -- I think I am starting to get over it. i just don't care anymore what they think... the damage is done.

But, still kind of want to meet some good folks."

I had to laugh when I read that, as I'm in the same boat. Mid 40's and never been married (could have been twice, but I just didn't see it working out, long term, in either situation). I swear my family thinks I'm gay, as sometimes they will joke about me not being married or in a relationship and then I'll hear "are you sure you aren't gay?" Then, it's laughs galore...LOL

Sad part, for me, is that when you are short-statured the majority of women don't find you attractive. So, in that sense, I've given up. I really do enjoy my hermit ways, but I do miss having someone to hang out with on the weekends, to get lunch, see a movie, etc. But at this age, I've gotten used to it.

 

[Nice But Dim Jim]

Well I'm not even 30 yet and I feel the same way you all do. 2 years out on my own and people can't work out why I haven't got another girlfriend... girls I work with just can't understand it at all, it's like a puzzle they need to solve! Ofcourse everyone my age that I know is married with kids and the singles I know mostly have kids too and well.... I don't like kids, I don't want to date someone with kids, I'm not ready to grow up! I was with my ex-partner but that different that took alot of time.

 

[Peaches]

Yup, I lost my 30ies to a nasty illness, 41 now - I usually hang out with younger people, but that way often I feel different and isolated, lately I have been trying to find people my age, but I can't. Often I just forget how old I am because of the company and the kind of life I do (going out in the evening, not a lot of responsibilities like children etc), then something reminds me. I don't really mind, but sometimes it feels weird because there were so many things that I was supposed to have accomplished at this age according to society and I just don't fit any of the boxes, since years I don't feel bad anymore for lack of accomplishments but I have the feeling that very few can understand and respect my position.
I have to say I saw 40 as a new beginning, because my health was better (even if not enough), and I try to stay positive with regards to finding some kindred soul(s), but yes, there are precious few around I can relate to. Sometimes I feel like on some kind of treasure quest, I really go out to seek other single people around my age, but it is difficult. Married people tend to be too busy for anything consistent.

---

True that. I was once passed over for promotion and the reason given was that "as you don't have a family you're unpredictable". The sad logic being that the man with a wife and kids support will work hard at his job while someone like me...well...I may just walk in naked and start making monkey sounds at random office workers.

ahahah, I wish I could see that

 

[LadyDaria]

I actually lost my teen age years to having to wear a backbrace. That put me behind in my development. So that made me different. Around 26 I was just starting to catch up to where I should be but at 30 my mother had a tremendous health scare that kicked off 10 ears of taking care of them. Amazingly my brother can't even conceive of any of this. It is as if I had the perfectly normal life. But anyway....

The irony on the gay thing is that both in the state I live in AND where I work (in law) if I were gay I would get promotions and I would be at the top of my career!! I currently have an intern who I can't tell what she is (she wears mens clothing but also make up) really, if I were gay things would be SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much easier.

And finally on the *it seems so much easier for them* I guess, well maybe it is, but sometimes I think it is easy... to get a girl or a guy... surely you must know that if you did this or that, you could get what you wanted. The point is, it isn't easy to do it and still respect yourself for what you want to be. And that is the rub. I could do certain things and get a guy tomorrow, but it probably wouldn't be the RIGHT GUY and I Probably wouldn't be happy with what I would have to do to get it.. I want the guy on my terms... or nothing.. and there is something about that that offends those around me who have settled or compromised.

 

[Case]

Yes, this resonates with me. I'm 47, and I tend to have younger friends partly because I look younger than my age would suggest and younger people seem comfortable with me, but also because younger people seem to mimic my own situation better than my peers of similar age. After all, I have no kids, no spouse, no property, and no family. Before my divorce, I had all of this. (One step-daughter, but no biological children.)

I don't feel that it is impossible to make friends, but I do feel the occasional pang of isolation that you describe when I'm around my similarly-aged friends. I also experience a strangeness due to my single status.

For instance, I tend to make friends with women easier than I do with men. (The men I meet tend to only talk about sports, cars, and building things, while women talk about emotions, which I like.) However, it can be strange for a single male in his forties to hang out with a married woman. Even though I mean no harm and would never do anything inappropriate, people talk, and it makes these situations difficult.

 

[HappyYogi]

I am 47 now and although in many ways I have a pretty good life (but not enough meaningful relationships) I am feeling a lot of pain this time of my life.

I didn't follow the maintstream path either. I could have! I've had boyfriends my whole life and wonder why? I have been thinking about this a lot lately and wonder if it's right. I do like quiet and need time to myself and I love animals...but still...yes, like you I am out of the mainstream and it does become another barrier in making friends.

Luckily, I am in a neighborhood where there are lots of singles my age and older and it's OK to be so. I live in an urban west coast city and they tend to be more open.

 

[Tiina63]

I am mid fifties and still single, not through choice.
It does get harder as you get older because, as several of you have said, most of our contemporaries are married and settled with children and grandchildren. And many of them take their good fortune at meeting the right person in their twenties or early thirties and having a family for granted. They underestimate or do not understand at all what it is like to look back on many lonely years of searching for a partner and not finding one.
I have had someone who had been happily married for decades and who has children and grandchildren tell me that at least I am not homeless. Yes, I am grateful not to be living on the streets, but it hurts when someone who has so much does not have the sensitivity to to see that I would love to have the sort of life she has, full of family, which she takes so much for granted.
TripleBogey-that is horrible, the way some of your colleagues speak to you. To them it is a joke, but I hate that sort of insensitivity to others.
Lady Daria-From another thread I got the feeling you had been a carer for your parents. I cared for my elderly parents as well for a number of years and it does mean that, as you found, that you were not really free to meet someone while you were a carer. Caring takes up all of your time and and emotional energy. And it can be hard to get back into the swing of things after caring ends. Your brother was very lucky to have you to take the caring role, as it freed him to build a life for himself. I have no siblings so there was noone else to do it.
Peaches-yes, I agree. Married people are often too busy for anything consistent on a social basis. And the fact they are married, even if they are quite free to go out and/or meet up, somehow puts them into a different category from us. I hate being the only single one in a group of married women.

 

[LadyDaria]

However, it can be strange for a single male in his forties to hang out with a married woman. Even though I mean no harm and would never do anything inappropriate, people talk, and it makes these situations difficult.

I find a lot of that lately. I make friends with interns and they want to be friends but they are too young and people want to know why i am hanging with them... so they are good friends but society won't let me hang with them without 'whispers' - basically society forces a small pool of people for you to choose.

---

From another thread I got the feeling you had been a carer for your parents. I cared for my elderly parents as well for a number of years and it does mean that, as you found, that you were not really free to meet someone while you were a carer. Caring takes up all of your time and and emotional energy. And it can be hard to get back into the swing of things after caring ends. Your brother was very lucky to have you to take the caring role, as it freed him to build a life for himself. I have no siblings so there was noone else to do it.

and i worked full time too. even now i get sick of my friends who don't understand. i do have a good friend who works with me and she talks all the time about how her life was ruined because she got knocked up when she was a teen. most of the time I want to say 'oh yeh... well i had a backbrace and elderly parents' but I find that i can't because those memories are painful and people don't want to talk about things that are really painful. so... they don't really know about them.

 

[Case]

I find a lot of that lately. I make friends with interns and they want to be friends but they are too young and people want to know why i am hanging with them... so they are good friends but society won't let me hang with them without 'whispers' - basically society forces a small pool of people for you to choose.

Absolutely. The only thing that saves me is that I don't look my age. People tell me I look like I'm maybe in my early to mid-Thirties, and the murmurs only start when I tell people my true age. (Which I never withhold because I try to never lie.) Just recently, I was hanging out with people 15 years younger than me, and when my age came up, several people were in a state of shock for a few minutes. It's a nice perk of genetics, I suppose, but it's also irritating to always have to deal with the shocked looks and the endless questions, but it happens all the time.

most of the time I want to say 'oh yeh... well i had a backbrace and elderly parents' but I find that i can't because those memories are painful and people don't want to talk about things that are really painful. so... they don't really know about them.

I think it sucks that I can chat all I want with people about fluffiness, cuteness and fun stuff, but the second I say something that's remotely "deep" or "emotional," they're bolting like a race horse. I hate fair-weather friends who run at the first sign of reality. Ugh.

 

[Tiina63]

I agree with you both, Case and Lady Daria-most people don't want to talk about anything painful, 'deep' or 'emotional.' This is another reason why so many of us are lonely because we have to hide so much of ourselves and of our lives, both past and present, from others.

 

[Case]

Yes, Tiina. And I hate hiding. Don't you? I like expressing my true feelings about myself to another who are eager to listen to how I feel, and I like knowing that this person will stand in support of me. I also like hearing others talk about their deepest feelings. It shows they give me their trust, as I give my trust to them.

But alas, these people seem too few and far between.

 

[Peaches]

I agree with you both, Case and Lady Daria-most people don't want to talk about anything painful, 'deep' or 'emotional.' This is another reason why so many of us are lonely because we have to hide so much of ourselves and of our lives, both past and present, from others.

yes, that

---

Yes, Tiina. And I hate hiding. Don't you? I like expressing my true feelings about myself to another who are eager to listen to how I feel, and I like knowing that this person will stand in support of me. I also like hearing others talk about their deepest feelings. It shows they give me their trust, as I give my trust to them.

But alas, these people seem too few and far between.

and also that

 

[Grackle]

I am mid fifties and still single, not through choice.
It does get harder as you get older because, as several of you have said, most of our contemporaries are married and settled with children and grandchildren. And many of them take their good fortune at meeting the right person in their twenties or early thirties and having a family for granted. They underestimate or do not understand at all what it is like to look back on many lonely years of searching for a partner and not finding one.
I have had someone who had been happily married for decades and who has children and grandchildren tell me that at least I am not homeless. Yes, I am grateful not to be living on the streets, but it hurts when someone who has so much does not have the sensitivity to to see that I would love to have the sort of life she has, full of family, which she takes so much for granted.

I don't think anyone who hasn't experienced a long spell of being single or lonely can possibly fathom what its like. I work with people who are always ( at every lunch break) one of them is complaining about the spouse or their children and then they say how lucky I am to be single. They just don't know what they are saying.