Friendly vs. Flirting

[sk66rc]

Have you ever been mistaken for flirting when you were trying to be friendly? Something happened today that reminded me of what happened while I was on vacation... I was down in Ocean City, MD... There's a place called "Fenwick Inn" just past the DE & MD border line... I've been going there for few years now & like many other hotels, it had a restaurant/bar... One night, I was sitting at a bar & it was pretty slow night... I was talking to the bartender & a girl walks in & sits 2 seats from me... We started talking & after a while, I offered to buy her a drink... Then she says, "You know, I'm not looking for a one night stand"... I busted out laughing... Apparently, she was under the impression that I was trying to pick her up or something... I'm not sure if it was the way I carried myself that night or she was that drunk... Afterwards, I did sortta felt bad for laughing so I proceeded to tell her I had no intention of "picking her up", at least not as how she implied it...

Ever been in a similar situation?

 

[Solivagant]

Yes, it's happened to me quite a few times. I can never figure out what I do that is interpreted that way. =/ It seems to me like I don't even do anything: As long as I'm not being rude, I'm "flirting".

 

[sk66rc]

I sortta understand her concerns though I thought she spoke prematurely... I didn't think I gave off any indication but she took it as that... Guess she felt a bit embarrassed when she realized I wasn't looking for a one night "hook up", she sortta backed off then left shortly after, saying she had to get up early tomorrow...

 

[TheSkaFish]

I haven't been mistaken for flirting, myself. At least not to my knowledge. Maybe I have at some point, I don't know. But it's hard for me to tell the difference. You'd think when someone practically bombs you with smilies and hearts much more than anyone else you know, and mentions how they say they are always saying how they want you to be around and they like the way you look and always talks about how awesome and sweet they think you are and how they want to hear you on the phone and how they are wanting to hug and cuddle with you, and even occasionally joke slightly about sex, you'd think that's flirting. I don't know what to believe anymore.

 

[Solivagant]

I haven't been mistaken for flirting, myself. At least not to my knowledge. Maybe I have at some point, I don't know. But it's hard for me to tell the difference. You'd think when someone practically bombs you with smilies and hearts much more than anyone else you know, and mentions how they say they are always saying how they want you to be around and they like the way you look and always talks about how awesome and sweet they think you are and how they want to hear you on the phone and how they are wanting to hug and cuddle with you, and even occasionally joke slightly about sex, you'd think that's flirting. I don't know what to believe anymore.

That sounds like flirting to me, but you can't take flirtation too seriously. You can't assume they mean what they say, or mean it 'forever', or want to pursue a relationship with you. I've made that mistake, and it was a painful lesson to learn. Most of the flirts I've met just do it for the sake of it. It makes them feel good when they get a positive response from you, but they're not necessarily serious about you. It's best not to trust it or emotionally invest yourself until their actions back up their words, though it can be hard to stay guarded.

I don't understand flirting at all (perhaps due to Asperger's). I don't know how to flirt, have no desire to flirt, and have a hard time knowing when someone is flirting with me.

 

[Mr Seal The Albatros]

I try to avoid being a boyfriend. I'd be a bad one.

I HAVE had a couple of crushes on people before though. This sometimes leads to me being nervous and acting overly kind to the person. I... think this may have been noticed despite trying to hide it.

 

[Sci-Fi]

Ugh yes that's happened to me, couldn't do one nice thing without having the person think I was flirting or interested in them. These were all females friends too btw this happened with. I once contacted a (female) friend from high school because I came across her on some website. First thing she says to me is telling me she was married. Uh duh I could see that from her profile and it was my brother she had a thing for back in high school not me. But because I was contacting her she thought I was trying to hook up.

There was one male friend in high school who I thought was being friendly, turned out he was flirting. Didn't even realize it then until someone told me the guy was gay. Big shock to me. Thankfully he transferred to a different school so I never had to have that awkward conversation that I'm not into dudes.

 

[TheSkaFish]

That sounds like flirting to me, but you can't take flirtation too seriously. You can't assume they mean what they say, or mean it 'forever', or want to pursue a relationship with you. I've made that mistake, and it was a painful lesson to learn. Most of the flirts I've met just do it for the sake of it. It makes them feel good when they get a positive response from you, but they're not necessarily serious about you. It's best not to trust it or emotionally invest yourself until their actions back up their words, though it can be hard to stay guarded.

I mean, it was like this for months and months on end. Nearly a full year. I don't know what to believe. I'd like to believe they at least meant some of it.

I don't understand flirting at all (perhaps due to Asperger's). I don't know how to flirt, have no desire to flirt, and have a hard time knowing when someone is flirting with me.

Yeah I don't get it either. I mean, I get the point. It's essentially buttering someone up, getting someone's guard down. But they want you to, or at least enjoy playing the game so it's okay. At least that's the way it seems. I don't know. To me it seems like a tightrope act. I don't like playing head games. It's not fun for me. Also, I don't really feel comfortable making innuendos or talking dirty. I've never felt good about that. If I tried to talk dirty it would feel very weird, and it would make my own skin crawl. For me, what would function the same as flirting would just be a sweet conversation with some depth to it, as opposed to a dirty one. That's what I like. Sweetness, depth, deep-thought sharing. And lighthearted playfulness. I guess I am too safe for most girls. Dirty is what people want, so that's a big disadvantage to me.

 

[Mr.YellowCat]

Its not clear cut in my case, but I´d say yes.
It happened at least once, like when a friend moved into my city, and I was trying to show her around, introduce my friends, and hang out till she makes her own friends.
Later I was told she was under the impression that it may get more serious, like all that was happening till now was dating or something of that sort. That was not my intent. I really only wanted her to get to know the city, meet new friends etc.

It was not the only time when me being friendly was mistaken for interest.

 

[Solivagant]

I mean, it was like this for months and months on end. Nearly a full year. I don't know what to believe. I'd like to believe they at least meant some of it.

I couldn't say whether they meant it when they said it to you or not, but it doesn't matter how long. It's unwise to put serious stock into someone's words until they're followed up by serious actions. I once met a flirtatious man who led me on like that for over a year, and all the while he was saying the same things to several other women, as I later discovered. He had no intention of holding to his words; we were just "backups" he used to feel good about himself in the moment because he couldn't have the woman he really wanted, who was married. He wasn't the only man I've known who did that either, and I had to learn. Actions speak louder than words.

I don't like playing head games. It's not fun for me. Also, I don't really feel comfortable making innuendos or talking dirty. I've never felt good about that. If I tried to talk dirty it would feel very weird, and it would make my own skin crawl. For me, what would function the same as flirting would just be a sweet conversation with some depth to it, as opposed to a dirty one. That's what I like. Sweetness, depth, deep-thought sharing. And lighthearted playfulness.

^ Same here.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Yes, it's happened to me quite a few times. I can never figure out what I do that is interpreted that way. =/ It seems to me like I don't even do anything: As long as I'm not being rude, I'm "flirting".

Mhm, me too. Apparently, it's a common trait of Libras - if one believes in that sort of thing. I don't hang onto astrology's every word, but it seems to fit me, because I've been told that I'm flirty when I have absolutely no idea that what I say or how I act while saying certain things even borders being flirty.

I'm not a flirty person, so it really baffles me.

 

[Triple Bogey]

I probably flirt quite a lot. It doesn't do me much good though.

 

[TheSkaFish]

I couldn't say whether they meant it when they said it to you or not, but it doesn't matter how long. It's unwise to put serious stock into someone's words until they're followed up by serious actions. I once met a flirtatious man who led me on like that for over a year, and all the while he was saying the same things to several other women, as I later discovered. He had no intention of holding to his words; we were just "backups" he used to feel good about himself in the moment because he couldn't have the woman he really wanted, who was married. He wasn't the only man I've known who did that either, and I had to learn. Actions speak louder than words.

All I can say is wow, that's rotten. After that, I could hardly blame you for not wanting to randomly talk to people online anymore, like we were talking about yesterday about accepting random Friend Requests.

I don't like playing head games. It's not fun for me. Also, I don't really feel comfortable making innuendos or talking dirty. I've never felt good about that. If I tried to talk dirty it would feel very weird, and it would make my own skin crawl. For me, what would function the same as flirting would just be a sweet conversation with some depth to it, as opposed to a dirty one. That's what I like. Sweetness, depth, deep-thought sharing. And lighthearted playfulness.

^ Same here.

Yeah. It's just, to me, innuendos and talking dirty are like, in the same league as stuff like bathroom humor. Which I've never enjoyed either. It all just seems rather low-brow and tasteless. Like, I don't WANT to be the kind of person who is into that. I mean, yes, I'm ultimately seeking a sexual relationship but I don't think it has to be so vulgar. It's like, this is another manifestation of my general issue I have with people wanting things to be shocking and "bad" - I really don't get, or like, stuff like that and I don't see why it is so appealing, why just because something is forbidden or taboo automatically makes it awesome, and if you don't do it, you're seen as lame. I don't know. Maybe I'm just ruining things by over-thinking them, taking things too seriously again.

 

[Triple Bogey]

work is just rife with innuendo and flirting at the moment.
It's mostly between me and these 2 women.
I wouldn't say 'no' to either of them.
I think it's just talk though. I give it back as much as I get it from them.

 

[Rainbows]

I think if I didn't have this problem with 99% of the people I meet, I wouldn't be on this site.

 

[Case]

I have flirted just for fun with no expectation of romance before. The only time I was simply being nice and it backfired on me was when friends introduced me to an inebriated woman at a bar. I was described by my friends as "single," and she suddenly lit up and started hanging all over me, but I had no interest. After many failed attempts to get me alone with her, she gave up, but not before she asked if I was both gay or a virgin. I was neither, but her drunk brain could not figure out why I wasn't interested. My friends later apologized to me for her behavior and agreed that I gave no indication that I was interested in her besides having normal conversation. I just chalked it up to us being on two different paths.

---

I think if I didn't have this problem with 99% of the people I meet, I wouldn't be on this site.

Sorry you have to deal with that. This reminds me of an ex. She worked a retail job and got hit on constantly and it angered her because they were persistent. She even saw guys slip her their phone numbers after she said she had a boyfriend saying, "Well, if it doesn't work out, give me a call." Rather than be jealous, I felt bad for her and also glad that she loved me enough to find these advances irritating.

 

[Batman55]

I believe in most cases when someone is showing many of the obvious signs of attraction toward you... smiling, waving, talking to others about you when they don't think you can hear, etc.. it means they like *something* about you. It doesn't mean they necessarily want a relationship, though. That's something for the recipient of the signals to find out, esp. if you're a guy, given that women will usually expect you to ask them out, etc.

I think there may be a few manipulative folks about who may be doing this for negative reasons, but I don't believe this is too common--I would like to believe it isn't. Secondly, I'm not going to retroactively go back in time and believe that of the several times when a woman showed interest in me, it was all fakery and she really liked nothing about me, that would not be healthy for my self-worth, and I can't really know, either.

 

[ardour]

Have you ever been mistaken for flirting when you were trying to be friendly?

Yes. It's incredibly annoying actually. That paranoia is a huge barrier to getting to know someone who happens to be a member of the opposite sex. The number of times I've made polite conversation, asked benign questions just for the sake of being friendly, only to see them become visibly awkward and uncomfortable. But if you don't make any effort then you can be viewed as the quiet passive-aggressive stalker type. It's such a fine line you have to walk, because literally anything you say or do (or don't do) can be interpreted in a negative way depending on what mood they're in, their prior experiences and hang ups.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Yes. It's It's incredibly annoying actually. That paranoia a huge barrier to getting to know someone who happens to be a member of the opposite sex. The number of times I've made polite conversation, asked benign questions just for the sake of being friendly, only to see them become visibly awkward and uncomfortable. But if you don't make any effort then you can be viewed as the quiet passive aggressive stalker type. It's such a fine line you have to walk, because literally anything you say or do (or don't do) can be interpreted in a negative way depending on what mood they're in, their prior experiences and hang ups.

Is it really as bad as that, ardour? I don't know. For a long time in my life I felt the same way. From grade school through early college, I felt that way about myself - I felt girls thought I was awkward if I tried to talk to them since I was not a high status dude-bro, but was seen as just like you say, "quiet passive aggressive stalker type" if I made no effort and kept to myself.

Then I realized it was all in my head and I started being more outgoing and women were nicer to me. Not to the point of dating me obviously, but enough that they would at least make friendly conversation with me.

I don't know, maybe the experiences you've had were that bad. But for me, I just don't think it's that rigid, I think most people are less antagonistic and more friendly than you might think at first.

 

[ardour]

Is it really as bad as that, ardour? I don't know. For a long time in my life I felt the same way. From grade school through early college, I felt that way about myself - I felt girls thought I was awkward if I tried to talk to them since I was not a high status dude-bro, but was seen as just like you say, "quiet passive aggressive stalker type" if I made no effort and kept to myself.

Then I realized it was all in my head and I started being more outgoing and women were nicer to me. Not to the point of dating me obviously, but enough that they would at least make friendly conversation with me.

I don't know, maybe the experiences you've had were that bad. But for me, I just don't think it's that rigid, I think most people are less antagonistic and more friendly than you might think at first.

Well I've probably missed out on knowing quite a few genuine, straightforward women due not wanting to seem as if I were hitting on them, which sucks, but of course there was always the option for them to make the effort, and since they didn't perhaps they weren't that friendly.