Friends who want to catch up but not really

[edamame721]

Hi, so recently I have some distant friends who are sending me mixed signals. They don't really communicate about their lives to me but once in a while, they'll leave a message or e-mail saying they'll want to catch up. I've returned phone calls that go to message which is fine, but then they don't call back. I take the time to send a card or write letters, but they don't write back.

I realize some of this may be that they've become busy and forgotten to get back to me, but I don't feel a part of their lives or vice-versa. Are they just curious about my life so they can compare theirs to it? I wonder if some jealousy is involved.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I don't know if it's really a comparison thing. Honestly, if someone were to constantly ask me what was going on in my life, and I were to try initiate conversation about it, and was shut out nearly every time, I'd stop doing it. I'd stop caring to answer. I'd stop wasting my time and effort replying to someone who clearly doesn't want to make the effort or the time. I think it's nice some may ask, but if they truly wanted to know, they would make it certain that it wasn't a one-sided thing.

 

[Klaaster]

I was in a similar situation, as I moved to another city and a friend of mine, who I had been really close to before, just kinda stopped showing interest. At first we still contacted each other, but at some point she didn't reply anymore and although I still made effort to write e-mails and call her for her birthday (she didn't answer it), nothing changed. We don't talk to each other anymore.
I guess this is a little different to your situation, but I know that it's not easy to let things go, especially if there is no reason for the other person to behave that way.

 

[LonesomeLoner]

I'm sorry to hear they are confusing you a bit.

If they are not making the effort in return then I would say they are not really worth bothering with. I've had a similar situation in the past and in the end I just gave up on this person.

 

[Wayfarer]

I had some prank phone calls done to me by people I knew and with whom I hadn't spoken in years. To me this kind of thing is just childish and bereft of any importance.

On the other hand, I myself tried to talk or catch up with some people. They never answered back though... so I guess I can't say anything definite to you?

 

[Ymir]

I don't know if it's really a comparison thing. Honestly, if someone were to constantly ask me what was going on in my life, and I were to try initiate conversation about it, and was shut out nearly every time, I'd stop doing it. I'd stop caring to answer. I'd stop wasting my time and effort replying to someone who clearly doesn't want to make the effort or the time. I think it's nice some may ask, but if they truly wanted to know, they would make it certain that it wasn't a one-sided thing.

Yeah, you tested the waters and as far as I can see, this behavior only shows that the person doesn't *really* want to catch up, so why bother wasting your time with it?

 

[Peaches]

I know! isn't that annoying when they do like that? For my life I don't know why they do that, I guess people get bored from time to time, then write "hey, we should catch up" and then they are less bored and forget about it. Just a guess.

 

[edamame721]

I was in a similar situation, as I moved to another city and a friend of mine, who I had been really close to before, just kinda stopped showing interest. At first we still contacted each other, but at some point she didn't reply anymore and although I still made effort to write e-mails and call her for her birthday (she didn't answer it), nothing changed. We don't talk to each other anymore.
I guess this is a little different to your situation, but I know that it's not easy to let things go, especially if there is no reason for the other person to behave that way.

One of my friends moved, too. I sent her birthday gifts and she forgot to even call me one year. I suppose with her, it's best just to put less effort which is a shame because she was a positive influence in my life.

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I know! isn't that annoying when they do like that? For my life I don't know why they do that, I guess people get bored from time to time, then write "hey, we should catch up" and then they are less bored and forget about it. Just a guess.

I think this might be it. The problem is by the time we get around to talking, events are already old and there is nothing to talk about. Ah, exasperating!

 

[Case]

I had an estranged family member reach out to me, apologizing for past behaviors. She said she would understand if I didn't respond. Despite my history with this person, I chose to answer her saying that I wanted a better relationship with her. We emailed a few times, and it was nice. Then, she stopped emailing me. I have no idea why. My guess is that all she wanted from me was a "kind" response to make her feel better about herself. Once I gave her a kind response, she (apparently) decided to go back to no communication. Whatever.

 

[ardour]

The last time someone said that at the end of an email I responded "okay, well let me know when you want to meet up". Of course I haven't heard from them since. Sometimes people just say that stuff out of politeness.

 

[Four_in_the_morning]

Yeah I have the same problem... its so frustrating. Fortunately I do have a regular friend or two but they never want to go out and do things. I am going to attempt doing meetup groups etc.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

I've often said to people, "we should hang out." Or, "let's catch up some time." Then... completely did not follow through with it at all. Was too busy with my own stupid little life to find a way to want to take the time out to do so. I'd say it's not worth wasting your time or effort. They are probably just too busy to be able to sit down and just take it all in. I've also been on the other side of it too, quite a lot actually. It always bothers me a little bit I guess, not really bothers, but, a slight sadness, but I understand completely. People get busy, it get's harder to find the time...

Sucks, but I wouldn't take it personally in anyway, or lose any sleep over it. Keep making the effort to stay in touch if you feel like it, or don't, but don't let it get to you in anyway, I don't. Some people let it get to them, but I'm not one of them. Probably because I've done it to others, so I understand the reasoning behind it and accept it when I'm on the receiving end of it.